The death question and what to say to kids

[NeilC]

Over the weekend I got the Death Question from my 3 year old son.

Talking about dinosaurs and plants etc the subject of death came up, as it has done several times. But this time the penny dropped and it occured to him that HE might die and asked about it, and about me dying and everyone else.

I think its a bit of tricky question for one so young who doesn't really understand the implications or even the way life operates at all.

If I were religious I could go for the heaven option which would be nice and easy. But I'm not so I couldn't.

I imagine other atheists here must have come across the same situation and am interested to hear how they dealt with it and their approach to death in general.

[Ocelot]

Lives on in our memories, makes space for new babies. How specific and leading was the question? Was it "what happens to us after we die?" or was it more general?

If so I think that it might be acceptable to outline other people's beliefs here. If not then simply answer honestly.

[NobbyNobbs]

I got the "why" question from my kids when our cat died. I told them it was to make room for more cats.

Of course, then we had to go out and actually get one.

[NeilC]

He was asking why things die (I gave the making room answer) but also "will I die" and then when I said yes but not for a long time he then came back with "but I don't want to die".

[Phil]

I don't have any kids, but I always imagined I would tell them that all living things are wonderful, but they're not perfect and as such don't live forever. And that's what makes life so precious, so don't waste a minute of it.

Of course, a scared little face looking up at me might cause me to invent new forms of mortality to impart instead.

[Demigorgon]

Just be honest but don't make it overly complicated. I told my 4 year old something to the effect of "Nobody really knows what happens to you when you die". - which is true. If you want, you can go on with "Some people beleive....<insert stuff here> and some people believe...<insert stuff here>..."

If they bring up "I don't wanna die" or "Will I die soon" or "Will you die soon" or what not, just LIE and say no. Don't f-up your kid for the point of being correct. To the "Will I die?" in particular I told her "Everyone dies, but not for a long time" - CHANGE SUBJECT

[HarryKeogh]

well, you don't want to scare your kid so just tell him an all-loving god is going to welcome into heaven unless he messes up one too many times in which case he'll drink from a lake of fire for all eternity.

[Autolite]

unless he messes up one too many times in which case he'll drink from a lake of fire for all eternity.

Well "Mr Grumpy", still harbouring a few old issues are we???

[NeilC]

Just be honest but don't make it overly complicated. I told my 4 year old something to the effect of "Nobody really knows what happens to you when you die". - which is true. If you want, you can go on with "Some people beleive....<insert stuff here> and some people believe...<insert stuff here>..."

If they bring up "I don't wanna die" or "Will I die soon" or "Will you die soon" or what not, just LIE and say no. Don't f-up your kid for the point of being correct. To the "Will I die?" in particular I told her "Everyone dies, but not for a long time" - CHANGE SUBJECT

That is pretty much exactly what I did.

I was on guard since informing him of germs causing colds - for a month I had him telling me he could feel germs inside him and pointing to large insects shouting "look daddy a germ".

[Paul C. Anagnostopoulos]

I use the "we just wear out after awhile" explanation. If someone asks what happens after we die, I say "nothing, we're just dead."

~~ Paul

[Rasmus]

Just be honest but don't make it overly complicated. I told my 4 year old something to the effect of "Nobody really knows what happens to you when you die". - which is true.

Hardly.

We know a lot of what happens when you die, and most importantly we know that you simply cease to exist forever.

[Tsukasa Buddha]

Heh, I'm glad I'll be teaching older kids. One can only imagine the terror I would inflict on younger children.

"What happened to Mr. Cricket?"

"Well, Mr. Cricket died last night."

"Oh, okay... Why?"

"Well, we might not have fed him enough, or it could have just been old age. Every living thing dies."

"Are we going to die too?"

"Yup ^^."

"When am I going to die?"

"Well, you could die at any time. You could get hit by a car, or get sick from an infection..."

"What happens after we die?"

"Well, first your body will go into rigor, then it will slowly start to decay. It will start bloating as gases are built up, and bugs will come and lay eggs in the soft tissue..."

":eek:"

"Yes, now start doing your addition ^^ !"

Luckily, I'm not planning on having children :) .

[triadboy]

I don't have any kids, but I always imagined I would tell them that all living things are wonderful, but they're not perfect and as such don't live forever.

When you have a child - you'll never be able to say that. :)


Death is not an imperfection - it's a state of 'not being'.

[triadboy]

I imagine other atheists here must have come across the same situation and am interested to hear how they dealt with it and their approach to death in general.

My Mother-In-Law told my wise daughter about Heaven when she was about 4 years old.

Daughter: Can we fly in Heaven? Do we have wings?
Mom-inlaw: Yes!
Daughter: I can't wait until I die so I can go to Heaven and fly!!


Mother-in-Law was aghast!

"Thanks for that, Mom."

[triadboy]

well, you don't want to scare your kid so just tell him an all-loving god is going to welcome into heaven unless he messes up one too many times in which case he'll drink from a lake of fire for all eternity.

Don't forget the daily anal rapings by Hitler.

[articulett]

It's weird, because the kid may be asking about the body... what happens to it... my husband died when my son was 3... and that's what he wanted to know. When he said he didn't want to die, I agreed-- I said I hope I die long before him, because I couldn't stand to live without him. When he was afraid I'd die, I told him that I'd probably hang around longer then he could stand... but that kids grow up and they are meant to live after their parents.

As for conjecture to what happens to "us" after we die... "I imagine it was just like before we are born".

Nobody chooses to enter this world and no one gets to stay forever.

[triadboy]

We know a lot of what happens when you die, and most importantly we know that you simply cease to exist forever.

Unless you are cryogenically frozen. A lot of people don't believe in it, but I'm betting my child's inheritance on it.

I've heard - you are brought back to life as a head in a floating glass jar. Many of you may think this a bit restrictive, but I can see a future in it. I'll still be able to play solitaire - but now on some ultra-fast, string-theory computer of the future. So life will go on for me.

I hope many of you join me.

[IMST]

Heh, I'm glad I'll be teaching older kids. One can only imagine the terror I would inflict on younger children.

"What happened to Mr. Cricket?"

"Well, Mr. Cricket died last night."

"Oh, okay... Why?"

"Well, we might not have fed him enough, or it could have just been old age. Every living thing dies."

"Are we going to die too?"

"Yup ^^."

"When am I going to die?"

"Well, you could die at any time. You could get hit by a car, or get sick from an infection..."

"What happens after we die?"

"Well, first your body will go into rigor, then it will slowly start to decay. It will start bloating as gases are built up, and bugs will come and lay eggs in the soft tissue..."

":eek:"

"Yes, now start doing your addition ^^ !"

Luckily, I'm not planning on having children :) .

I'm starting to get the feeling we see eye to eye on lots of things. That's pretty much how I'd put it. Good thing my kind doesn't reproduce, eh?

Oh, and NeilC, sounds like you handled it as well as is possible. Tough situation.

[DrDisco]

I have a 6 year old daughter and a 3 year old son. My son hasn't asked the question yet but my daughter has...repeatedly.

I pretty much just told her the truth. When she put two and two together and realized I was going to die some day, she was pretty upset. She doesn't seem to be upset about her own death someday, just that of her daddy and mommy. I explained that it won't happen for a long time and not to worry about it. When she asked what death was like I told her I didn't know but I thought it would be a lot like nothingness. That was difficult for her to understand so I showed her pictures of me as a kid, and as a young adult and as an older adult. I explained that in all those pictures she didn't exist yet. I then asked her if that was a "bad" thing. And she agreed that it really wasn't. I then told her there would come a day when we wouldn't exist again; just like before we were born. That seemed to comfort her as she realized that she was in no pain and nothing terrible happened before she was here so maybe it would be ok when Daddy wasn't here any more, either.

Using "before there was a you" is a good way to explain what death is like. There was a time when there was no "you" and there will be a time when there will be no "you" again. So, this time we have now is real special and should be enjoyed as much as possible.

[Phil]

When you have a child - you'll never be able to say that. :). . . .


No. I'll be deep into Mexico by then.

[Rasmus]

Unless you are cryogenically frozen. A lot of people don't believe in it, but I'm betting my child's inheritance on it.

That doesn't change how you go "dead" though. It stops the body from rotting away afterwards and might be possible to revive you later. But that would, presumably, not make you any less dead for the time in between, would it?

[Beerina]

If I were religious I could go for the heaven option which would be nice and easy. But I'm not so I couldn't.

I couldn't even do that. Presume all is as Christianity claims. Now you can only get into Heaven by praising and acknowledging the ass-who-cannot-die, who sentences us to death, the ass-who-cannot-feel-pain, who sentences us to pain, the ass-who-cannot-feel-terror, who sentences us to terror.

"Dear child, if you worship and praise such a piece of s***, you will be rewarded with an eternity of sycophancy. Otherwise, this kind being who will never experience pain will torture you for ever and ever."

So, at best, Christianity is a philosophy of broken servitude. Teach your child this? No way.

[matthew 7-3]

I don't know but you may want to tell them the truth? We are all going to die because we live in a fallen world. After we die we will be judged by our thoughts, words, and deeds. Everyone of us is guilty, but then you could throw in the Good News about God sending a Savior to pay the fine for our sins. Then you could explain that to recieve ever lasting life you must repent of your sins and put your trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, and then your sins will be washed away and you get to live with the Lord for eternity in paradise. I think the tricky part is explaining why everyone doesn't believe in God.

[Professor Yaffle]

My 4 year old was asking about death recently and I used the its like "before you were born" analogy. He seemed happy with that. But I would caution against using the words "not for a very very long time", as young kids aren't able to dicriminate well between it being a long time until christmas, or a very long time till they go to secondary school etc and really long timescales. Instead I said I wouldn't die till after he was all grown up and even older than I was now. Then I pointed out that my mam and dad are still alive.

[VulcanWay]

Heaven is just a human creation to quiet the primal fears of those who don't want to die...

[Ocelot]

I don't know but you may want to tell them the truth? We are all going to die because we live in a fallen world. After we die we will be judged by our thoughts, words, and deeds. Everyone of us is guilty, but then you could throw in the Good News about God sending a Savior to pay the fine for our sins. Then you could explain that to recieve ever lasting life you must repent of your sins and put your trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, and then your sins will be washed away and you get to live with the Lord for eternity in paradise. I think the tricky part is explaining why everyone doesn't believe in God.

So you believe all that stuff in the Bible then? Good for you. That must make your understanding of death so much more comfortable but be careful not to think about it for too long. Eternity is a scary prospect and what are the odds amongst the numberous churches and beliefs that you've lucked upon the correct secret formula?

Neil is an atheist. He doesn't believe in eternal life. He thinks that your story is no more likely to be true than Vallhalla or Sto-Vo-Kor.

As such your advice is not very helpful or appropriate.

However thanks for popping by, there might have been someone here who hadn't heard of that belief before and if so I'm sure you've made their day.

[Hammer_of_Thor]

Just as others of you I am also going through this with my 7 year old daughter. We have had fish and hermit crabs die. I also had the same thing as triadboy happen. My mother in law didnt want my wife and me to go sky diving because we may die. Great. :rolleyes:
Anyway, when the fish and hermit crabs die she wanted to know why. I said that things die for lots of reasons. Things get sick and die. Things get old and die. Things die because they have accidents. Things have to die to make room for other things and that sometimes it is better when things die. No more pain and suffering. I tell her nothing about heaven or hell because, well, I dont believe it.

[Cactus Wren]

When I was about five I asked my mother, "After you die, can you get up again?"

Yes, you do, she said, and went on to explain about resurrection and Heaven, and how you leave your body behind but your soul lives forever.

Which annoyed the heck out of me, because I had heard all that already. What I wanted to know was, Kid Bro and I were playing cops-and-robbers and I'd "shot" him and he was "dead" -- should he be allowed to get up again and "shoot" me?

[Uncle Vanya]

When I was young I asked my mom if I would die.

She slapped me upside the head and told me to bite my tongue.

[six7s]

I don't know but you may want to tell them the truth?

I agree. The truth is the easiest and best option

I was asked about death two days ago, by my four-year-old

So, I answered with the truth... perhaps not the WHOLE truth, yet nothing but the truth

I said:
"We die because we're just the same as all living things - like that tree over there, and that cat, but not that hill, and not those clouds - and we get old and wear out"

We are all going to die because we live in a fallen world

I didn't mention this, simply because its not the sort of thing a four-year-old needs to think about

We quickly moved on to what happens after we die and I said:
"Well... trees fall over and slowly turn into compost... and maybe some of their seeds will start to grow in the mushy bits of the old tree... Hey! Imagine if you could bury a dead cat and kittens grew out of the ground!"

This immediately steered the conversation into a succession of (essentially fact-based) highly imaginative and rather humourous musings of what it means to be alive... an altogether much funnier topic, esp for a four-year-old

After we die we will be judged by our thoughts, words, and deeds.

I didn't mention this either, simply because its crap

[triadboy]

That doesn't change how you go "dead" though. It stops the body from rotting away afterwards and might be possible to revive you later. But that would, presumably, not make you any less dead for the time in between, would it?

I have a bad habit of not adding 'smiley faces'. That cryogenic stuff was just a joke. Actually instead of being frozen - I'm going to be cremated






....in a light ginger sauce. :)

[Rasmus]

I have a bad habit of not adding 'smiley faces'. That cryogenic stuff was just a joke.

Oh, I didn't think you were seriously going for that option - but it is a valid point; if perhaps not for the discussion with a little child.

[matthew 7-3]

I think this thread shows one big difference between atheist, or agnostics, and Christians. Some here like to compare human death with the death of a tree, cat, hermit crab, dog or whatever and fail to recognize that humans are different because we have a soul and conscience. This may be how many people can be pro choice, or for things like "mercy" killings. But if you believe in the "theory" of evolution I guess we are all pretty much the same. From Goo to the Zoo to You!

[SomeGuy]

I think this thread shows one big difference between atheist, or agnostics, and Christians. Some here like to compare human death with the death of a tree, cat, hermit crab, dog or whatever and fail to recognize that humans are different because we have a soul and conscience. This may be how many people can be pro choice, or for things like "mercy" killings. But if you believe in the "theory" of evolution I guess we are all pretty much the same. From Goo to the Zoo to You!

Do you have a point to make other than noticing that people have different opinions?

[matthew 7-3]

umm yes humans are different than trees, and cats

[-Fran-]

I don't know but you may want to tell them the truth?

And then you still go on with something that is quite the opposite of the truth.


I think this thread shows one big difference between atheist, or agnostics, and Christians. Some here like to compare human death with the death of a tree, cat, hermit crab, dog or whatever and fail to recognize that humans are different because we have a soul and conscience. This may be how many people can be pro choice, or for things like "mercy" killings. But if you believe in the "theory" of evolution I guess we are all pretty much the same. From Goo to the Zoo to You!

umm yes humans are different than trees, and cats

Humans are different because we have a brain that enables us to grieve when someone close to us die (some animals can too, to a certain extent, I suspect, though I don't know enough about this to say for sure). Physically there's no difference though. There is no soul that will live on after death. Just as with a tree, or a cat, when we are gone, we are gone. The human brain also let us fear death, that's why some need to invent a soul that can live on. I can understand a kid inventing such things for comfort, but you're an adult I gather? Learn to deal with it.

ETA:
Regarding the OP. It's tricky, I sure wouldn't want to lie to a kid, but it would break my heart to scare them as well. I am sure there is a good way to explain that will do neither. But when I think about all these tricky qustions a kid can give you, I am kind of relieved that I decided to not have kids :o

[Hokulele]

I think this thread shows one big difference between atheist, or agnostics, and Christians. Some here like to compare human death with the death of a tree, cat, hermit crab, dog or whatever and fail to recognize that humans are different because we have a soul and conscience. This may be how many people can be pro choice, or for things like "mercy" killings. But if you believe in the "theory" of evolution I guess we are all pretty much the same. From Goo to the Zoo to You!


How do you know you have a soul?

[-Fran-]

How do you know you have a soul?

I think someone told him :D

But I would seriously also really like to hear a real answer to that question.

[enjoytheview]

...fail to recognize that humans are different because we have a soul and conscience. This may be how many people can be pro choice, or for things like "mercy" killings.
Maybe. But considering that the existence of a soul is unlikely, then there is probably a different reason for being pro choice. I can assure you that my reason has nothing to do with a soul, and is based more on the fact that I don't think it should be my right to make decisions on behalf of a parent or parents, especially when I don't know their circumstances and aren't going to assist them in raising the child that I've decided they shall keep.


But if you believe in the "theory" of evolution I guess we are all pretty much the same. From Goo to the Zoo to You!
Just to let you know, it would have been a good idea not to put the word 'theory' in quotation marks there. The use of "mercy" means that it isn't actually merciful, so then "theory" means it isn't actually a theory. If you don't consider evolution to be a theory, then what is it? Reality perhaps?

[SomeGuy]

umm yes humans are different than trees, and cats

Ahhh... here we get to the crux, so you're a christian because it make you feel special.

Cool.

We're indeed different than trees and cats, but we die just the same (well we die the same as cats, not really sure if plants age/die in the same way).

[Ocelot]

I think this thread shows one big difference between atheist, or agnostics, and Christians. Some here like to compare human death with the death of a tree, cat, hermit crab, dog or whatever and fail to recognize that humans are different because we have a soul and conscience. This may be how many people can be pro choice, or for things like "mercy" killings. But if you believe in the "theory" of evolution I guess we are all pretty much the same. From Goo to the Zoo to You!

There I was going to ask when you thought our lineage evolved a soul, the ability to live forever beyond this mortal coil. Then I read that you reject the overwhelming evidence for evolution.

This is why your beliefs are a bad thing. They lead you into irrationality. Feel free to take up the creationist viewpiont in another thread. This one is for rationalists.

[Autolite]

trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, and then your sins will be washed away and you get to live with the Lord for eternity in paradise.

Does this option have any wiggle room? I think that I would rather spend eternity living in paradise with Annette Funicello (circa 1962) ...

[Beerina]

Just as others of you I am also going through this with my 7 year old daughter. We have had fish and hermit crabs die. I also had the same thing as triadboy happen. My mother in law didnt want my wife and me to go sky diving because we may die. Great. :rolleyes:


"Aww, mom, how sweet!"

"No, it's not that. I just don't wanna get stuck with the 7 year old because she'll crush my groove in Vegas and Hedonism II."


:eek:

[triadboy]

Some here like to compare human death with the death of a tree, cat, hermit crab, dog or whatever and fail to recognize that humans are different because we have a soul and conscience.

As with a tree, cat, hermit crab, and a dog - when we die, we cease to exist. So there is a comparison.

So we have to make the time we have count. I don't know about you - but if I had a big-ass pincher claw like a hermit crab, life would be even sweeter!