The Great Pumpkin

[triadboy]

I just received this email. Is this as ickey as it sounds?

***************************************
A woman was asked by a coworker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"

The coworker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then he cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., and then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."

This was passed on to me from another pumpkin. Now, it is your turn to pass it to a pumpkin. I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch
****************************************

He carves you a new smiling face?!

[whitefork]

I guess it's Satan that purees your essence for pumpkin pie, then. Maybe that's the real meaning behind reincarnation.

Once the candle goes in, the pumpkin is no longer suitable for baking.

[Nyarlathotep]

Originally posted by triadboy
I just received this email. Is this as ickey as it sounds?

***************************************
A woman was asked by a coworker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"

The coworker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then he cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., and then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."

This was passed on to me from another pumpkin. Now, it is your turn to pass it to a pumpkin. I liked this enough to send it to all the pumpkins in my patch
****************************************

He carves you a new smiling face?!

Washes the dirt off of you and cuts off the top? WTF? Does this mean being a Christian involves a nice bath followed by a lobotomy? If it does, it would explain a lot.

[Upchurch]

God also removes our natural defense mechinisms like doubt and fear, huh?

[Nyarlathotep]

I have seen idiotic glurge before, but this one deserves a place in some sort of 'Idiotic Glurge Hall of Fame'. It has to be just about the stupidest analogy ever made.

[zakur]

This has got to be a spoof. I can't imagine anyone reading it and saying, "Yeah, that analogy is spot-on!"

[zakur]

Originally posted by zakur
This has got to be a spoof. I can't imagine anyone reading it and saying, "Yeah, that analogy is spot-on!" I stand corrected. It's posted all over the web on Christian sites. Some add this final line: "It is our choice to either leave Christ on the outside and rot on the vine, or invite Him in and become something new and bright." :rolleyes:

[whitefork]

Originally posted by Upchurch
God also removes our natural defense mechinisms like doubt and fear, huh? Yes, I think that pretty much sums up the essence of Christianity.

Of course, it uses doubt and fear to get you to faith in the first place, but once you're there, all doubt and fear are removed.

Cue one of my favorite songs, the incomparable John Cale.

Standing waiting for a man to show
Wide eyed one eye fixed on the door
This waiting's killing me, it's wearing me down
Day in day out, my feet are burning holes in the ground

Darkness warmer than a bedroom floor
Want someone to hold me close forever more
I'm a sleeping dog, but you can't tell
When I'm on the prowl you'ld better run like hell
You know it makes sense, don't even think about it
Life and death are just things you do when you're bored
Say fear's a man's best friend
You add it up it brings you down

Home is living like a man on the run
Trails leading nowhere, where to my son?
We're already dead, just not yet in the ground
Take my helping hand I'll show you around
You know it makes sense, don't even think about it
Life and death are just things you do when you're bored
Say fear's a man's best friend
You add it up it brings you down

[neutrino_cannon]

Ahar, being a christian is like bein' pirate booty. God takes yah, and then he makes yah his. And then, when all the struggle and strife is over, yah get to go off in the man's own galleon. Arrrr.

[Nyarlathotep]

Originally posted by zakur
I stand corrected. It's posted all over the web on Christian sites. Some add this final line: "It is our choice to either leave Christ on the outside and rot on the vine, or invite Him in and become something new and bright." :rolleyes:

Maybe there IS a lobotomy involved. It's the only explanation I can think of. I know just reading the thing made my IQ drop by five points.

[Bentspoon]

So when he puts the candle in, is that when you see the light?

By the way, I bear no relation to Hand Bent Spoon. Paternity suits will be vigorously defended against.

Bentspoon

[triadboy]

I hope HE carves me some of them funny teef.

[triadboy]

Originally posted by Nyarlathotep


Washes the dirt off of you and cuts off the top? WTF? Does this mean being a Christian involves a nice bath followed by a lobotomy? If it does, it would explain a lot.




:roll:

I guess that explains baptism and faith

[c4ts]

I guess being religious really is like being a pumpkin. God cuts your head open, scoops out all your brains, and carves a gap-toothed smile on your face that's identical to the rest of the congregation's.

[hgc]

This metaphor sounds so much like having your brain removed, it's incredible to think that it's taken seriously. It points to a total lack to awareness (or sense of irony) on the part of some true believers as to the possibility of the distinction between thought and blind faith.

[zakur]

From a friend to whom I forwarded the pumpkin story:But they're right. Being a Christian IS like being a pumpkin. The church plucks you out of your natural home, splashes water on you as if that will really remove all the "dirt" you've accumulated, stabs you with a knife when you least expect it, and attempts to remove your brain and internal makeup with the spoon of blind acceptance, leaving you completely hollow and unable to grow and think for yourself. It then carves a fake, superficial, blank-staring face on you, and sends you out into the world to scare everyone else. A flame is put inside you because now you are not allowed to express your true feelings - you must keep those fires inside, bottling them up until one day you lose control and smash yourself against a mailbox. If you do manage to avoid suicide, you are left on the doorstep, grinning your fake smile and slowly rotting away. Meanwhile, the church is enjoying it's own luxury, as it bakes your vital life seeds into a tasty, salty snack.

[ktesibios]

Originally posted by zakur
From a friend to whom I forwarded the pumpkin story:

But they're right. Being a Christian IS like being a pumpkin. The church plucks you out of your natural home, splashes water on you as if that will really remove all the "dirt" you've accumulated, stabs you with a knife when you least expect it, and attempts to remove your brain and internal makeup with the spoon of blind acceptance, leaving you completely hollow and unable to grow and think for yourself. It then carves a fake, superficial, blank-staring face on you, and sends you out into the world to scare everyone else. A flame is put inside you because now you are not allowed to express your true feelings - you must keep those fires inside, bottling them up until one day you lose control and smash yourself against a mailbox. If you do manage to avoid suicide, you are left on the doorstep, grinning your fake smile and slowly rotting away. Meanwhile, the church is enjoying it's own luxury, as it bakes your vital life seeds into a tasty, salty snack.



And then, when you've gone all soft and rotten, you wind up smashed to bits by some stupid kids on Mischief Night...
:wink8:

[reprise]

I can think of some people I'd like to see turned into Halloween lanterns...

I always thought that God was the Great Pumpkin :

"Now Snoopy swore that he'd get that man
So he asked The Great Pumpkin for a new battle plan..."

[Yahzi]

Originally posted by zakur
unable to grow
Didn't anybody else get this part of the analogy - that becoming Christian kills the pumpkin? The poor gourd doesn't even get to reproduce.

This whole analogy only makes sense if you objectify people - if you assume that people are to be used for something.

Which of course describes Christianity.

[Ralph]

Yeah.....and about one week after you've scooped out all that "yucky stuff"............the whole thing's turned into a rotten slimy mess that falls apart in your hands.

Thanks--but I think I'll just keep my "yucky stuff".................

[triadboy]

Originally posted by Ralph
Yeah.....and about one week after you've scooped out all that "yucky stuff"............the whole thing's turned into a rotten slimy mess that falls apart in your hands.

Thanks--but I think I'll just keep my "yucky stuff".................

You're a sinner anyway, because even if you keep your yucky stuff, you still have your naughty bits.

[Nyarlathotep]

Originally posted by triadboy


You're a sinner anyway, because even if you keep your yucky stuff, you still have your naughty bits.

Actually, the phrase "Yucky Stuff" was one of my favorite touches. I wonder if the original author of this tripe considers independant thought to be "Yucky Stuff"

You don't need that yucky ol' brain anyhow. Let Jesus take it away and handle your thinking from now on. This seems to be the underlying message.

[c4ts]

Oh great pumpkin carver, free us from thought and responsibility!

[TruthSeeker]

I thought this was going to be about Linus :(


I love the idea that once God has used you for an evening's entertainment, he puts you in the composter.


And don't jackolanterns often have scary faces?

[c4ts]

Originally posted by TruthSeeker
I thought this was going to be about Linus :(


I love the idea that once God has used you for an evening's entertainment, he puts you in the composter.


And don't jackolanterns often have scary faces?

It's to inspire the fear of Hell in the uncarved ones.

[espritch]

It's to inspire the fear of Hell in the uncarved ones.

Now there's an idea. Istead of calling ourselves "Brights", let's call ourselves "the uncarved ones". :D

[Yahzi]

Hey... I actually like that better than "bright."

The Uncarved Ones.

:)

[Prospero]

Okay, so does god just through out all the insides or does he at least make a pie? I mean, come on, wasting a good pumpkin like that? Or maybe he plants the seeds in the backyard to make more pumpkins! But wait, they're the seeds of doubt, hate and greed, etc! Which means that's where all the pumpkins come from! Well, no wonder, then, that god has to rework all those pumpkins! They all come from bad seeds! (Oy, I had to use a pun...) :nope:

[Zep]

We normally chop pumpkins up, bake them in an oven, and eat them for dinner as a side vegetable.

Now THERE'S an analogy that makes more sense...

[SquishyDave]

Originally posted by reprise
I can think of some people I'd like to see turned into Halloween lanterns...

I always thought that God was the Great Pumpkin :

"Now Snoopy swore that he'd get that man
So he asked The Great Pumpkin for a new battle plan..."
"He challenged the german to a real dog fight
While the baron was laughing, he got him in sites"
There you go, being clever again reprise ;)

I laughed till I puked reading this thread. Why do they even try with these weird analogies. Why say "Well I'm like a vegetable..." when "I'm christian coz it makes me happy, SO BACK OFF!" would work far better.

[Finella]

I'll bet ya this actually was a spoof, was sent to some innocent and (wide-eyed, gap-toothed) Christian who actually took it seriously, who passed it onto others saying, "Whoo! We got here some deep stuff about punkins!" And it's been taken waaaay too seriously ever since.

I'm still on the vine, with my seeds and guts in place just as God intended, thank you.

---,---'--{@

[triadboy]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Finella
I'll bet ya this actually was a spoof, was sent to some innocent and (wide-eyed, gap-toothed) Christian who actually took it seriously

If that is the case, then it was brilliant. It's been forwarded around the country to smiling, scooped-out Christians.

[arcticpenguin]

Man injured by exploding pumpkins (http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,7397899%255E1702,00.html)

Perhaps that has something to do with the crusades...

[Starrman]

I got rocks. :(

[c4ts]

Got any more metaphors, anybody?

Such as "Christianity is a chocolate coated vitamin- there's something good inside but by the time anybody gets there they spit it out or swallow it whole so it comes out covered in crap..."

[Janus]

Originally posted by c4ts

Such as "Christianity is a chocolate coated vitamin- there's something good inside but by the time anybody gets there they spit it out or swallow it whole so it comes out covered in crap..."

Hmm. Swallowing the vitamin might be good for you.

How about: The Bible, chocolate covered cyanide for your mind.

[c4ts]

Hmm. Swallowing the vitamin might be good for you.

That's the point, though. Religion isn't all bad, since it often contains some form of morality. It's just that religious justification for morality is usually bullsh** and that it is ignored by certain religious organizations anyway.

[sorgoth]

Finally, the religious and nonreligious agree on something! We both think the pumpkin metaphor fits.

[arcticpenguin]

Maybe we should start referring to Christians as 'pumpkinheads'.

[triadboy]

Originally posted by c4ts
Got any more metaphors, anybody?

I heard this explanation of the Trinity from an xian:

The holy Trinity is like the 3 forms of water: it can also be ice and steam. It's still water - but in a different form.


I remember Aquaman and Iceman. But I can't remember a super hero made of steam.