Question about Childfree Outlook

[Suezoled]

When people ask me if I have children, I (usually) politely answer no, I don't. If they ask me when I'll have them, I'll (not so politely) say I don't want them. Then comes the barrage:

1.) Oh, you'll change your mind
2.) It'd different when it's your own
3.) accidents happen
4.) you can't plan for these things but you'll do fine when your time comes
5.) Why not?
6.) That's a life altering decision you're making and I don't know if you've thought it through
7.) why are you so selfish?
8.) kids are where it's at! You'll love them when you have them!
9.) who's going to take care of you when you're old?
10.) kids are your immortality
11.) what's wrong with you?
12.) you're just saying you can't have kids, right? There's always adoption.
13.) Do you hate kids?
14.) were you abused as a child?
15.) have you found God?

Any decent replies that won't offend the populace? I can't tell people "you're a rude whackjob to even ask such a thing" forever.

Why do some people have such a hard time believing that while there are some people who want kids, there are also some people who don't? I don't hate kids, I just have no desire for my own, and; while I am young, I don't appreciate people talking to me as if they know me better than I know myself.

[arcticpenguin]

Originally posted by Suezoled

Any decent replies that won't offend the populace? I can't tell people "you're a rude whackjob to even ask such a thing" forever.

The polite way to say, "You're a rude whackjob to even ask such a thing" is to turn it into a question: "Why do you ask?". This is supposed to make the inquisitioner examine themselves and come to the realization that this is none of their business. Those most extreme in their rudeness and whackjobness will not come to this realization. Say "la vive".

[kittynh]

Hey, I'm looking forward to being childfree again!

I love kids enough to work with them everyday in my job. But I also really enjoy the time when I am alone with my husband. And babies...never again! Asking why you don't have children is very personal. When you only have one child people ask you why you only have one, and don't you think it's unfair to the child? or won't the child become a spoiled brat (or the child WILL become a brat).

Then there is a friend who told me I was being selfish having a child at all when there were so many children that needed adoption. So you can't win.

[Wile E. Coyote]

Oh, you'll change your mind ... when you have your own. :D

Seriously, though, not everyone has to breed. Perhaps you can (and do)contribute to humanity in some other aspect. My contribution is to try and raise a person who will be happy and healthy and benefit society.

I would like to make some great contribution to mankind myself, but it may never happen. At least with a child, there is the possibility he will be better than I.

To each his own ...

[Peach Jr.]

Well, you could always use this...

"I dont' feel it's any of your business. If you ask again, Chthulu, my lord and master, will choke you with his tentacles."
:D

I'm one of those freaks (just ask my many childfree friends) who has always wanted children. Until we were placed with The Littlest Peach, we were facing the very real possibility that we would be childfree as well. It's not something I was happy about, but I was willing to put that part of my life behind me.

Not everybody who is capable of having children wants them. IMO, it's better to not want them and not have them than to have them and resent them...or worse...

[Suezoled]

Ooh! Have you seen the Santa Chthulu? It's so dang cute! Little bells hanging off his tentacles and everything.

Since when did Chthulu get so cute?

Back on Topic: mainly, I save the "wackjob" comment to people who just keep asking and use any variation of the comments above. They want to know WHY WHY WHY and some ask What kind of monster could I be to not want my own babies? That's when I get really unsettled. It's not like I eat babies. Well, okay, on holidays and every other Sunday, but only because Chthulu told me to. :D

[Denise]

Isn't it great that people have a choice? 100 years ago there would have been no question about it, unless one was celibate of course.

[Zep]

Point at yourself and say: "You can't improve on perfection."

[Yahweh]

I have a few predetermined answers that I have formed for each and every scenario depicted below:

1.) Oh, you'll change your mind

I'm no so sure of that.

2.) It'd different when it's your own

Yeah, and I dont have my own.

3.) accidents happen

Accidents can be fixed.
(Is that shallow or what?)

4.) you can't plan for these things but you'll do fine when your time comes

I cant plan? Well, I alreay dont plan because I dont want kids. I the time comes, that means I've ruined my life.

5.) Why not?

I wouldnt want a pint sized little critter that thinks like me to be running around any time soon...

6.) That's a life altering decision you're making and I don't know if you've thought it through

No, its not life altering. Life altering would be the indroduction of the child, until then my life is running pretty stable. You incompetent ass...

7.) why are you so selfish?

*Punches person in the nose*

8.) kids are where it's at! You'll love them when you have them!

No, honestly, I wouldnt love my own kids.

9.) who's going to take care of you when you're old?

I will never be old, I refuse to grow old, in fact next year, I plan to celebrate my 25th birthday (its been working just fine for the last 7 or 8 years).

10.) kids are your immortality

What the Hell does that mean?!

11.) what's wrong with you?

I'm sorry, am I sick or something, do I need to freshen up *smell self*...

12.) you're just saying you can't have kids, right? There's always adoption.

I hate hand-me-downs...

13.) Do you hate kids?

If I answer "Yes" will you stop asking stupid questions.

14.) were you abused as a child?

Yes.

15.) have you found God?

Yes, and my god could kick your god's ASS!


Hee hee hee, I'm evil :D.

[uneasy]

I don't know what to say Suezoled other than to say I'm in your situation. Shrugging off the questions and giving a cold stare sometimes works. :)

Once a sister was giving me a hard time about providing no cousins for her kids. I told her I always want to reserve the right to be alone any time I wanted to be. She blinked and said then maybe I shouldn't have kids. I don't know if it was my tone or what, but she doesn't bring it up any more (much :)).

[kittynh]

well uneasy, I used to tease my brothers to be really nice to my kids as they would be picking their old folks homes. Then my one brother had kids! Hey, no cousins means more presents from grandma.

My daughter is dating a boy who is the result of the one child policy in China. It's interesting for one person to be the focus of so much attention by various older relatives - but it certainly has made his life easier!

I like kids, but I'm not big on newborns. They are so not interesting and sleep too little. While I had newborns I spent most of my time tricking them (a Raggedy Anne doll face is a great sub for mom at 3am). About 6 months I begin to enjoy them. I don't like them, but I can take care of one until they get likable.

[Suezoled]

7.) why are you so selfish?

*Punches person in the nose*



I've officially enrolled in the Yahweh fanclub.

Does this mean I'm not an atheist anymore?

:roll:


Anyway, thanks for the remarks everyone. Having been raised by wild dogs, I was really unprepared for the barrage of people who decided they knew what was better for me for my life.

[uneasy]

Originally posted by kittynh well uneasy, I used to tease my brothers to be really nice to my kids as they would be picking their old folks homes. Then my one brother had kids! Hey, no cousins means more presents from grandma.
I feel sorry for my oldest niece. The thankless job of taking care of old people usually gets stuck on the women in the family, and she's such a responsible person. I think she will end up with the task of putting me in a home. I better start being nice to her. :)

[juryjone]

Originally posted by Yahweh
12.) you're just saying you can't have kids, right? There's always adoption.

I hate hand-me-downs...


As an adoptive parent, I would hope that you wouldn't actually respond this way. We tend to get rather sensitive, because we are asked a whole bunch of other stupid questions (the most imbecilic being, "How much did she cost?").

Suezoled, all I can say is - YOU GO, GIRL! Stick to your guns! And come here every now and then and vent. There are obviously a lot of people here who sympathize with your dealing with idiots.

[kittynh]

uneasy, Claires is a great store, also Limited 2. Gift certificates...

Plus, all kids love music, but don't pick it out yourself. Gift certificates...

Send her one for Halloween, oh and never send a holiday card without some money or a gift certificate in it. That could be the difference between a state run and a privat facility.

[Chanileslie]

People are insensitive jerks sometimes and for some reason, many people feel that if they have kids, that everyone else should have them as well. I don't agree with that. I have children; I love my children more than anything, and they are my world, but to assume that you should feel exactly the same or something is "wrong" with you, is absurd. I think that those who want and would cherish having a child should and those who do not choose to do so should be respected for their choice as well. I think we can see many examples of people who should not have had children, and not everybody is cut out to be a parent nor does everyone have the drive or desire and that is neither selfish nor self-centered.

Be strong and realize that there is nothing wrong with you. Just smile next time, and say, something like, "Why do you want to know?" Or my favorite line when people say something stupid, "That's nice." BTW, nice is old English for stupid. :-)

[Peach Jr.]

Originally posted by juryjone


As an adoptive parent, I would hope that you wouldn't actually respond this way. We tend to get rather sensitive, because we are asked a whole bunch of other stupid questions (the most imbecilic being, "How much did she cost?").

I hear ya. That's one of my least favorite stoopid adoption comments. The one I hate the most - "Oh, but she looks so much like you!"

My response? "And yours looks like the UPS man".
;)

[Professor Frink]

I would tell them the horrors of the emergency operation which rendered you infertile and start screaming "why did you have to bring that up! The memories are flooding back!" Beat the perpetrator about the face and neck with exaggerated swings of your fists. That'll teach 'em.


Seriously, I commend you on your thoughtful decision to be child-free. I know people who are child-free by choice and some not by choice, and it is such a personal decision/issue that I would never bring it up with someone I didn't know.

Frink

[arcticpenguin]

Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?

[Suezoled]

Articpenguin, are you saying I should spiral down into eventual mental illness ending in suicide? Because, well, I have other things to do. But I do appreciate the suggestion. I'll even put it in my "suggestion" box. :p

[kitsune]

How about "I don't hate kids, I just have no desire for one of my own"?

It's definitely polite enough, gets the point across, and works for me. Granted, I also don't keep persisting on the "you want kids, right? You don't HATE kids, right?" questions, either.

The more clueless of us humanthings may keep persisting, and I'd just restate your feelings on the matter. You like your life just fine, and you can't see yourself with kids.

Oh, and please if you just so happen to run into a friend/stranger who is infertile for whatever reason, please, don't ever say "Well, there's always adoption..." Every time I hear that I want to thwack them.

[Suezoled]

Here's a riddle: I have 2 brothers and 1 sister. I am the youngest of all of us, but I was the third child my parents had. How can I be third of four children but still be the youngest?

Answer: adopted

I hear the adopted stuff myself:

1.) you don't look like your parents/sister/brothers
2.) Don't you want to find out who your real parents were?
3.) So how much of a tax deduction do adopted kids get?
4.) don't you wonder about your real family?
5.) do you have any natural brothers and sisters?
6.) what's your real name?
7.) do you think your real parents would love you more?

Head explody. Nothing but head explody. My reply: I used to tell them about my (fictional) gynocological visit and my (fictional)itch "down there" but don't worry the (fictional) doctor said he's pretty sure it's not contagious or at least the last (fictional) rash wasn't supposed to be but he was wrong last time so who knows about this time....?

Hey, if these people want to hear stories, they'll hear I story I want to tell.

Okay, I only really used the "fake gyno rash story" 2 times.

[arcticpenguin]

Originally posted by Suezoled
Here's a riddle: I have 2 brothers and 1 sister. I am the youngest of all of us, but I was the third child my parents had. How can I be third of four children but still be the youngest?

Answer: adopted

Could you go over this in detail, please? Specifically, I want to know how this child could be the third child the parents had == he/she was adopted before the fourth was born, and also be the youngest of the four.

Perhaps he/she was adopted before he/she was born?

Or perhaps the fourth was adopted as well, at a later date but an older age?

Thank you.

[arcticpenguin]

Originally posted by Suezoled
Articpenguin, are you saying I should spiral down into eventual mental illness ending in suicide? Because, well, I have other things to do. But I do appreciate the suggestion. I'll even put it in my "suggestion" box. :p
:D
Buy the movie on DVD and loan it to the next people who ask stoopid questions about your procreative choices.

[Checkmite]

Originally posted by Suezoled
When people ask me if I have children, I (usually) politely answer no, I don't. If they ask me when I'll have them, I'll (not so politely) say I don't want them. Then comes the barrage:

Well, a lot of those questions are admittedly rude, but...


5.) Why not?

...

8.) kids are where it's at! You'll love them when you have them!


I don't think these two must indicate that your conversation partner is necessarily a "rude whackjob".

[Suezoled]

I don't think these two must indicate that your conversation partner is necessarily a "rude whackjob".

How about do if I turned this around?

1.) Do you have kids? Why do you have kids? Justify to me for my satisfaction why you chose to have kids.

2.) Or how about: kids are where it's at! You'll love them when you have them!

Well, here's the story behind that one: I made the mistake of trying a dating service. I had specified: "no kids, does not want children" on the little "prefers kids?" column. Well guess who answers me? Fathers and guys who want to be fathers. Guys who are fathers or want to be fathers and want to be fathers again (or for the first time) ASAP. Guys telling me that they're fathers, and I don't know what I'm talking about, of course I want kids. Of course I want kids WITH THEM. Guys who believe I'll be so into the idea of having kids as soon as they talk to me.

I could only thank these lovely men for openly treading on my lifestyle choice right off. At least I knew their relationships goals.

What's so rude about the comments? After I explain to these people I don't want kids, they brush off my reasons like dirt on their shoulder and proceed to try and convince me right then and there I should change my mind.

[Suezoled]

Or perhaps the fourth was adopted as well, at a later date but an older age?

Bingo!
:D

[RPG Advocate]

Well, I'm glad there are at least a few other people out there who see the wisdom of not having children. For some reason, it just seems like it's an unspoken rule that you will get married and have children. For me, it's just a matter of resources. Children would reduce my available resources that would not be offset by any benefit that children would bring me, so therefore it is irrational for me to have children. I understand the tension between preservation of personal resources and the continuity of society and the human race, but I think the crazy people that have huge families will take care of that for me.

In any case, I would answer the questions as follows:

1.) Oh, you'll change your mind

Maybe.

2.) It'd different when it's your own

Indeed it is. My own children would drain resources that could be used for my own personal benefit. Others' children do not.

3.) accidents happen

Not if you don't put yourself in a situation where an accident could happen. Besides, if it did, there's always abortion, or hell, YOU could adopt the unwanted child, since you're such a child lover.

4.) you can't plan for these things but you'll do fine when your time comes

You can plan for them fine.

5.) Why not?

Because children drain resources like time and money.

6.) That's a life altering decision you're making and I don't know if you've thought it through

Actually, I have. It's much more rational for me not to breed than to do so.

7.) why are you so selfish?

Implying that it's selfish not to have children has a lot of strange metaphysical implications. Do you really want to commit yourself to that?

8.) kids are where it's at! You'll love them when you have them!

The love would be outweighed by the loss of resources.

9.) who's going to take care of you when you're old?

Either myself, or the State if I become incompetent.

10.) kids are your immortality

When I cease to exist, everything becomes irrelivant, so it wouldn't matter.

11.) what's wrong with you?

Nothing.

12.) you're just saying you can't have kids, right? There's always adoption.

I am capable of having children.

13.) Do you hate kids?

No.

14.) were you abused as a child?

No.

15.) have you found God?

I'm not looking.

[Eos of the Eons]

Originally posted by Suezoled
When people ask me if I have children, I (usually) politely answer no, I don't. If they ask me when I'll have them, I'll (not so politely) say I don't want them. Then comes the barrage:

1.) Oh, you'll change your mind
2.) It'd different when it's your own
3.) accidents happen
4.) you can't plan for these things but you'll do fine when your time comes
5.) Why not?
6.) That's a life altering decision you're making and I don't know if you've thought it through
7.) why are you so selfish?
8.) kids are where it's at! You'll love them when you have them!
9.) who's going to take care of you when you're old?
10.) kids are your immortality
11.) what's wrong with you?
12.) you're just saying you can't have kids, right? There's always adoption.
13.) Do you hate kids?
14.) were you abused as a child?
15.) have you found God?

Any decent replies that won't offend the populace? I can't tell people "you're a rude whackjob to even ask such a thing" forever.

Why do some people have such a hard time believing that while there are some people who want kids, there are also some people who don't? I don't hate kids, I just have no desire for my own, and; while I am young, I don't appreciate people talking to me as if they know me better than I know myself.


Can I introduce you to a guy I have never met in person, but also doesn't want kids? He's about 30 ish, maybe 28...he's feeling alone in the "I don't want kids club". I sent him a link on VHEMT, but hey, you'd be way more interesting! He lives in California, but doesn't like it much.

Can I pm his email to you?

[Suezoled]

Hi Eos! Sorry about the delay in reply. I took the weekend to take care of a neighbor's dog at the dog's owner's house.

Sure PM the email. Thanks.

I think. Unless it's a cop pretending to be a teenage girl or boy who wants to meet. Then I would have issues. :D

[roger]

VHEMT - I just did a google search on that - it's so funny!

While I'd love to congratulate myself on not want to have children because I am concerned about the Earth's biosphere, it's merely a personal decision.

As far as how to answer people who question your decision, I have no answer, because I just don't care what other people think about my decisions. Just like this forum has quite a few members who are convinced that they have every single answer on politics, society, etc (answers not just for them, but for everyone), there are people who are convinced they know how you should run your life. Yawn.

Maybe it's because I'm more the observer/introspective type, but I find these conversations an interesting exercise in cultural anthropology - trying to find out why this person's views are so rigid and narrow. Turn it around on them, make them squirm :)

[Andonyx]

I think the next time I see someone with kids at a social occassion, whom I don't know well, I'll just strike up a conversation with this:

"So you had kids huh?"

"Ummmm...yes, that's my boy over there."

"Really? What made you do that?"

"Well....I....uh...do I know you?"

"Man, I decided not to have kids, it's the best decision I ever made."

"Look, I really think you're crossing-"

"I bet in a few years you'll change your mind...then where will you be? Man I love the freedom, the extra money, I'm not adding to the pool of unwanted children all over the world, and my household contributes less waste! Man You'd have to be CRAAAAZY to want kids."

"I'm going now."

"I mean what, do you like little boys or something?"

"I'm calling the police."

[Eos of the Eons]

Originally posted by Suezoled
Hi Eos! Sorry about the delay in reply. I took the weekend to take care of a neighbor's dog at the dog's owner's house.

Sure PM the email. Thanks.

I think. Unless it's a cop pretending to be a teenage girl or boy who wants to meet. Then I would have issues. :D


This thread is so funny!

Nope, he's so not a cop. Big star wars fan like me though, and he has a doggy, really cute little pup. You can just let him know that you're in a great group of folks who don't want to have kids.

Kudos for following what you feel is best!

[Melissa Johnson]

Found this thread late, as usual.

We don't have kids. We don't want them. We're having too much fun without them right now. This is my response:

"Oh, and how many kids do you have?"

*Give 'em a flat, humorless glance* "I don't have kids, I have cats."

Or

"I have one kid--my husband. That's enough."

My answer when they ask why? There are six billion people on this planet. Me not squeezing out a couple of bundles of joy won't matter here nor there, and nobody will remember anyway in another hundred years. Of course, rant on about this in a group of mothers and you'll get looks of pure malice, so I tend not to bring it up too much. I don't have any animosity toward children, as long as they aren't hurting my pets or touching my stuff with sticky hands :D

[gethane]

Originally posted by kittynh
I like kids, but I'm not big on newborns. They are so not interesting and sleep too little. While I had newborns I spent most of my time tricking them (a Raggedy Anne doll face is a great sub for mom at 3am). About 6 months I begin to enjoy them. I don't like them, but I can take care of one until they get likable.

I'm the opposite, I adore newborns. Once they get ambulatory, I just can't wait until they are 3 or so and understand full sentences :)

As for those who don't want kids, good for you! Do what makes you happy, not what society says you should. Do try to understand that its just as bad for those of us on the other end of the stick. Defying the "norm" of 2 children, 1 boy and 1 girl, gets you an AWFUL lot of rude comments as well.

"Don't you know what causes that?"

Good lord! No, I don't. Could you fill me in?

Mom of 3, soon to be 4.

[Chaos]

Originally posted by gethane


I'm the opposite, I adore newborns. Once they get ambulatory, I just can't wait until they are 3 or so and understand full sentences :)

As for those who don't want kids, good for you! Do what makes you happy, not what society says you should. Do try to understand that its just as bad for those of us on the other end of the stick. Defying the "norm" of 2 children, 1 boy and 1 girl, gets you an AWFUL lot of rude comments as well.

"Don't you know what causes that?"

Good lord! No, I don't. Could you fill me in?

Mom of 3, soon to be 4.

Another "nice" comment I heard once: "Don´t you have any other hobbies?"

[Pirate_Lad]

Hmm, I'm late to the party but I'll chime in anyhow.

I kind of sit on the fence on this issue. On the one hand, how cool would it be to get to show my own kid the zoo for the very first time? Or teach them to swim, or any of the million other 'firsts' that you could explore?

On the other, I love being independent. I could up & move anywhere in the U.S. tomorrow if I felt like it. I also realize having a kid would endanger that freedom. I'd have to cancel the world tour with my brother, start buying baby shoes. baby shoes!

I'm right at the age where a lot of women are getting out of school with their degrees, and they're wanting to settle down. The last two girls I've dated wanted kids. Right from the start they knew I didn't want them, didn't want to get married, had travel plans and goals to achieve. But slowly, insideously, they tried to change my mind.

In a perfect world where I had a few million bucks, I'd love to have kids. But I'm starting to realize that I'm probably never going to make big bucks and having kids would cause me to lose some of the freedom & flexibility I love so much.

So, ixnay on the idskay until I win the lottery. I don't think I'll be reproducing for a long, long time (if ever).

[Keziah Mason]

I've never wanted kids. I don't had a shred of a maternal instinct and do not find kids 'cute'. I simply have no calling or need or deepseated (or not-so-deepseated) or any other sort of feeling that I should have a child.

I've heard most of the things on Suezoled's list and a few more:

"Oh, your parents must be so unhappy."
No, they are just fine with my decision and even if they weren't, so what? People should not expect to live their lives through their children.

"Oh, I feel sorry for you."
This one pretty much boggles me. They're sorry because I don't have something I don't want to have?!? That's a bit like the "You're selfish" (I've gotten that bunches) - how is it selfish to not want something?

Ah well, at least I've reached the ripe old age where the "You'll change your mind" is starting to sound utterly ridiculous. Although the next person who hatefully asks "How come you hate children?" is going to get a nice lecture on how much I love and adore children. And if they doubt me, they should be sure to buy my cookbook that is being published next spring. ;)

[Andonyx]

Originally posted by Pirate_Lad
Hmm, I'm late to the party but I'll chime in anyhow.

I kind of sit on the fence on this issue. On the one hand, how cool would it be to get to show my own kid the zoo for the very first time? Or teach them to swim, or any of the million other 'firsts' that you could explore?



This enters my mind occassionally but then I also think to myself, "How many millions of children out there right now need to be shown a zoo a school and a book for the first time? How many need a parent who wants to do those things for them, and how many will go to bed hungry, alone and dreaming about those things?"

My kids can wait, there are plenty right now who could use my help if I feel like parenting.

[Samus]

Kids are great...with Worcestershire sauce.

My jury is still out on whether to have kids. Or get married, for that matter. My girlfriend wants to have kids, and her time frame is basically within the next 5 years. One can count back from that and determine when she has to be married by, and when she would have to be engaged by to make that happen. I think she's trying to tell me something. :)

Anyway, I have no problem with folks that don't want kids. I'd just assume those people not have kids, because there are already enough unwanted offspring. A friend of mine has a very cute kid that's about two years old. Great kid, fun to be around. For every one of him, I've seen many kids in the grocery store, restaurant, in my family, etc. that are but a walking headache.

Besides, flying is expensive, and I don't know if I could afford wife, kids and flying. Out of the three, the pilot's license came first, so it will have priority.