Frank Newgent
25th September 2003, 03:03 PM
TOMAHAWK RUN WV (Reuters) President Bush today signed an executive order mandating the immediate execution of forty percent of America’s school children, thereby bringing the nation's education system into compliance with his “no child left behind program”.
Vice President Cheney, the architect of this bold move, dismissed claims from the left that this action was rash and overly harsh. “These children refused to learn and showed antisocial tendencies” said the veep. Cheney also stated that the “under achieving” students were a threat to national security and came from homes that fostered liberal sentiments.
The students, primarily from inner city and lower income homes as well as immigrant families, were chosen because of low scores on the recently implemented national education tests. Cheney denied that the student’s failure on the tests was the result of the Bush administration defunding of 90% of the federal education programs. The vice president also noted that decimating the ranks of what was “surely the next generation of welfare frauds” would free up funds for the war on terrorism” Cheney stopped short of declaring the under achieving juveniles of being terrorists but did note that their names and the names of their families had been sent to the Justice Department for FBI background checks. All questions concerning the constitutionality and legality of this surprise move were referred to attorney general John Ashcroft.
Ashcroft was less guarded than Cheney with his comments on the new program. “We know that most of these miscreants were confirmed recidivists and came from homes that promoted anti-administration feelings as well as democratic principles” said Ashcroft. The nation’s chief law officer also said that “The nation cannot afford to be squeamish in these times of terror. With one bold move we have eliminated a vast reservoir of anti-American sentiment and freed up future prison space for domestic terrorists and Democrats. God will praise us for our courage and perseverance in these trying times” The rest of the attorney general’s remarks were unintelligible as he sprayed the press corps with lugies while aides led him away from the podium to receive his medication.
Vice President Cheney, the architect of this bold move, dismissed claims from the left that this action was rash and overly harsh. “These children refused to learn and showed antisocial tendencies” said the veep. Cheney also stated that the “under achieving” students were a threat to national security and came from homes that fostered liberal sentiments.
The students, primarily from inner city and lower income homes as well as immigrant families, were chosen because of low scores on the recently implemented national education tests. Cheney denied that the student’s failure on the tests was the result of the Bush administration defunding of 90% of the federal education programs. The vice president also noted that decimating the ranks of what was “surely the next generation of welfare frauds” would free up funds for the war on terrorism” Cheney stopped short of declaring the under achieving juveniles of being terrorists but did note that their names and the names of their families had been sent to the Justice Department for FBI background checks. All questions concerning the constitutionality and legality of this surprise move were referred to attorney general John Ashcroft.
Ashcroft was less guarded than Cheney with his comments on the new program. “We know that most of these miscreants were confirmed recidivists and came from homes that promoted anti-administration feelings as well as democratic principles” said Ashcroft. The nation’s chief law officer also said that “The nation cannot afford to be squeamish in these times of terror. With one bold move we have eliminated a vast reservoir of anti-American sentiment and freed up future prison space for domestic terrorists and Democrats. God will praise us for our courage and perseverance in these trying times” The rest of the attorney general’s remarks were unintelligible as he sprayed the press corps with lugies while aides led him away from the podium to receive his medication.