For Those Considering Parenthood...

[Mr Manifesto]

If one or more of the following points apply to you:

You think having children will be cute, like owning a dog.

You're going to have a child that will be everything you couldn't be.

You think that, by the age of 2, the kid will respond to your verbal commands.

You still want to see all your friends and have fun, go to parties, when you have your child.

You think you won't need your relatives to look after your kid at all.

You believe your spouse will pick up the slack when you're too tired to look after your kid (in return for you picking up the slack for your spouse when (s)he's too tired to look after your kid).

You don't think any precious items, atiques, heirlooms, applicances, etc, will be destroyed because you'll 'raise your kid right'.

You think parents are exaggerating or making excuses when they say they 'only turned their back for a second' when relating some fatal-or-near-fatal disaster their child got into.

Everything you know about children you read in Readers' Digest or heard from Bill Cosby.

You're barely getting by on the money you have now, but will be able to look after a child because you'll 'make sacrifices'.

You are a teenager.

Can I humbly suggest that you <h1>DON'T HAVE CHILDREN!</h1>

If you're already pregnant, contact your local adoption agency or referring doctor. There's a reason why I don't have children.

As you can guess, I'm at saturation point after the antics of one of my more idiotic relatives.

[Vorticity]

Originally posted by Mr Manifesto
If one or more of the following points apply to you:

Well, lets see... my girlfriend/partner/whatever are expecting our first child (a boy. see this thread: http://www.randi.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=17153&highlight=Jrefer ) in a little less than a month, so I feel qualified to respond to this.

You think having children will be cute, like owning a dog.

I don't believe it will be like owning a dog (I own a dog). It will occasionally be cute, but the rest of the time there will be poop.

You're going to have a child that will be everything you couldn't be.
No. I don't think that.
You think that, by the age of 2, the kid will respond to your verbal commands.
Now, I've seen two-year-olds do this, so I expect ours to also respond to verbal commands. Just not most of them.

You still want to see all your friends and have fun, go to parties, when you have your child.

I have no friends, and I hate parties. Solves that problem.
You think you won't need your relatives to look after your kid at all.
I think we will need the relatives to look after him. The grandparents are already lining up to do so.
You believe your spouse will pick up the slack when you're too tired to look after your kid (in return for you picking up the slack for your spouse when (s)he's too tired to look after your kid).
I genuinely believe this will occur. Sometimes.
You don't think any precious items, atiques, heirlooms, applicances, etc, will be destroyed because you'll 'raise your kid right'.
I believe anything and everything will be destroyed and/or covered with poop.
You think parents are exaggerating or making excuses when they say they 'only turned their back for a second' when relating some fatal-or-near-fatal disaster their child got into.

I don't think they're exagerrating. I take such stories seriously.
Everything you know about children you read in Readers' Digest or heard from Bill Cosby.
No. There's also that Spock guy (from Star Trek).
You're barely getting by on the money you have now, but will be able to look after a child because you'll 'make sacrifices'.
We're starving grad students. Well, actually we're doing OK now financially, and it'll get a lot more OK in a few months.
You are a teenager.
Alas, no.

Can I humbly suggest that you <h1>DON'T HAVE CHILDREN!</h1>

No.

If you're already pregnant, contact your local adoption agency or referring doctor.
**** you. :)

There's a reason why I don't have children.
I believe there are pumps for that.

As you can guess, I'm at saturation point after the antics of one of my more idiotic relatives.
And yet they're the ones whose genes will live on. Details?

[Zep]

It's like this: Most people will breed at some time, at least once, whether they intended to or not. Even the idiots somehow manage to work out how to do this (in fact, they are usually the worst offenders).

But some people prefer not to.

Whatever.


Just remember that YOU were once that precocious, terrifyingly annoying and exasperating brat who got seriously up the noses of your aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Yet they didn't kill you off, much as they may have wanted to...! :)

[Eos of the Eons]

Noone suggesting killing anyone. If you can't feed a dog, then spare a kid the hell you'll bring it into until you can feed it.

[Abdul Alhazred]

Can I humbly suggest that you <h1>DON'T HAVE CHILDREN!</h1>


<font size=+5>BRAVO!</font>

[Zep]

AA, wait until you have your own lovely little bundle of joy in your arms before you say that! :)

[Glory]

If everyone really thought long and hard and clearly about all the things you mention, no one would ever have kids. There is a kind of veil over the eyes of people engaged in making a family. This veil cannot be lifted or pierced. It occludes all the facts you listed and more. The fact that kids make more noise than you can possibly imagine. That having a baby hurts, a lot. That sleep deprivation is a torture technique. That kids have disgusting stuff often coming out the front end as well as the rear. ( my kid gagged a lot. That usually resulted in her vomiting.) That a child with a cold is a snot factory that walks.etc... The veil ensures the survival of the human race.

Glory

[jimlintott]

If everyone really thought long and hard and clearly about all the things you mention, no one would ever have kids.

Luckily for the future of our species we can count on many people not thinking at all. Let alone long and hard. (Long and hard is usually why the thinking stops.)

This probably isn't the place to say that my kids are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. So I won't.

[MoeFaux]

Oh, I'm a breeder. I'm just not ready yet.
After helping raise a baby sister (with bad parents not doing thier job), and then being a Nanny for two years, I know a little something about kids. I adore babies. They're exhausting, but so wonderful.
I think that when I decide it's ready, and then get pregnant, finding out will be the happiest day of my life.
Not ready yet, though. I need to get my life together first, have some money in the bank, and ...ahem...have some help.

[UnrepentantSinner]

If only more people would head Mr. Manifesto's advice.

Two more to add to the list.

If you're not mature enough to say "penis" or "vagina" and not giggle or blush, then you're not mature enough to use them for sex.

If your dad abused and then walked out on you and your mom yells at you all the time because you won't clean your room and you smoke too much pot and no one loves you, but you're convinced if you have a baby it'll love you forever and without question, do not have a baby.

[Eos of the Eons]

Originally posted by MoeFaux
Oh, I'm a breeder. I'm just not ready yet.
After helping raise a baby sister (with bad parents not doing thier job), and then being a Nanny for two years, I know a little something about kids. I adore babies. They're exhausting, but so wonderful.
I think that when I decide it's ready, and then get pregnant, finding out will be the happiest day of my life.
Not ready yet, though. I need to get my life together first, have some money in the bank, and ...ahem...have some help.

Sounds like your sister was darn lucky you're such a great person. I hope you had someone like that in your life taking care of you. If not, then I'm sorry, and all the more I admire how you are a great person.

[kittynh]

Good for you Moe! Some people just know they someday want kids. I had two of the most useless parents, they had kids because theywere supposed to. I got through it, but when ever I think about how to raise my kids I think, "what did mom and dad do? Oh yeah, don't do THAT!" So far it works great!

Even better, they grow up (and cost even more). When I had my emergency surgery it was Kitten who saved the day! She was a rock, and I kept thinking, "this adult is my little kid who ate rocks as a toddler?" (it's called Pica). When I had surgery her Senior Year of high school she even left boarding school and took the bus home to look after me (Pool Boy was in Europe as usual...). I told her "DO NOT LEAVE SCHOOL, I'M FINE' and she ignored me! I will not say, "she's my best friend!" One thing I learned from my mom, your child needs a parent more than they need another friend. (my mom was the one we waited up for on a Saturday night...sigh....)

But, kids cost money, and they eat up a lot of your time and emotions. Oh, and all my friends that said, "we won't let the baby change our lifestyle, she's just going to have to keep up with us!" They soon learn the Scandinavian saying, "The youngest child is the ruler of the house."

[Suezoled]

You think you won't need your relatives to look after your kid at all.

Or, if you think your relatives are obligated to help you out at all.

I've heard too many people say "He's your grandchild/nephew etc. You HAVE to watch him." Um, no. No, in fact, it does not fall to others to help in your choices, responsibilities, or mistakes.

[Flame]

I thought these journal entries from a site called 'writing.com' where I occasionally go to unload might help out potential parents in their decision making...
bear in mind that these were written in a private journal and while they are humorous now my mental state at the time was not exaggerated.

11-14-02


Today even my kids can't scare me

My coffee sits to the right- in front of me. Unfortunately, so does my mind.
At least I haven’t ‘lost’ it again- That’s always a pain in the ass.
I’m just experiencing a slight dislocation in my brain/head area.
I believe the whole thing started when I turned to explain something to my daughter.
That always results in some sort of brain pain/injury.
Will I never learn?
As I reach for my coffee I gently nudge my most precious organ to the side. You know, it’s a lot easier to disregard in this situation.
Maybe this isn’t so bad!
I’ve not so much gone ‘out of my mind’ as my mind has ‘gone out of me’ and really, aside from the weight loss
(which is excellent- couple pounds gone, so easily!)
There’s also the fact that when my kids look at me now they don’t even start. There’s something to be said for looking absolutely brain-dead, I guess.
I think my poor brain decided that it’d heard enough of things like:
‘COME AND WIPE MY BUUUUMM’ and ‘Mom, I think Nick’s been sick’
and just decided to slip out (quite literally) for a bit when it saw the opportunity.
Well done It… I only wonder, will I be able to convince it to come back when these kids seize their own opportunity to get out?





11-16-02 (muminlaws come into play when there are kids, but not when it comes to babysitting)

A horrid velvety horror

So I am going out to a friend's house for the evening, and even as I type these words, my three year old is shouting
"Mom, Mom.. Mom, watch me!!!" She is stomping around the room with a blue see-through board yelling 'yippee-yooooo yipee-yooooo'.
Yes, watch her indeed.

My mother-in-law has just dropped the girls, Anna - 3yrs and Matti - 7yrs, back after taking them to see Lilo & Stitch and buying them the most bloody awful outfits I have ever seen.
"Oh yes sweetheart, that's absolutely gorgeous" I croon to Matti, who is holding up a mass of bright reddy-pink velvet. To add to the mood of the outfit, there is little spangly mirrors all over the top and the pants.
Anna has fared a little better, she's the slightest bit more like myself - although, I don't see her wearing doc martens like me in the future.
My mother-in-law is chuckling, she doesn't have bad taste, she just knows she won't have to be seen with them in the offending outfits.
With a cheerful goodbye (and a furtive nasty look) I bid the mother-in-law goodbye.

11-17-02


Goodbye to my sanity

Sunday night has arrived. I cannot believe that it has gone so quickly - the weekend I mean.
My husband has gone out to take out the bin for tomorrow morning. He's been gone ten minutes, I'm beginning to wonder if he's had as much fun as I have these past couple days.
Six people in one average sized house, all with colds and four of the people under four feet high-my personal hell.
No, seriously.
If I ever commit a serious crime and they are looking for a suitable punishment then I will suggest a term or so of playschool teacher. That'd teach me- or scare the ___ out of me anyhow.
I'd be slow to re-offend for sure.
Husband's just shown up, Phew- don't think I could go this life alone!
I suppose they (my kids) aren't that bad. They don't throw tantrums in public, they don't steal (mostly), they don't swear (imagine that, I'm not the greatest role model on that account).
They don't hit (mostly), and they don't wreck stuff (again, mostly).
It's just that kids are horrible and nasty by nature- That's all it is. I guess they can't help it.
I see more poo close-up every day than I had imagined existed...
Snot, puke and drool are the fluids that I most commonly come into contact with (including beverages and all other classes of fluid).
Kids are loud (especially when there are four of them under the age of eight) and usually what they are being loud about is something I'd like to NOT hear.
They fight, stomp and plot against each other.
They go out of their way to cry just when I've started my essays, need their bums wiped as soon as I've gotten on the phone with an important call.

Right, so here I am 'editing' this entry, because as if to illustrate my point, James woke up crying. James is eight months old, and he's got a cough. This is not ok with him, and though he's normally my 'jolly little fat man' he has been a bit cross lately. Oh well, if I can deal with his puke, snot and poo, I can take a bit of crankiness too...

Thing about me and my kids is, no matter how much I can't stand other people's children (especially in places like restaurants and movie theatres) I quite like mine.
It's like one minute I'm about to reach my boiling point and just as I'm about to flip my lid, someone bangs their finger (or falls off the couch OH MY GOD) and I'm nearly in tears and ready to kiss, cuddle and croon.
Funny, ask me ten years ago if I'd be kissin' boo-boos ... you'd get a hardy laugh and a profane reply.
Oh well - guess things turn out the way they are meant to be... and hopefully for the best.
I think the kids' beans are cooled now
(*they hate beans... small payback on my part)
so with an 'Eat them, they're good for you' and a motherly grin - I'm off to serve them up


and this is long so one last one in case I've scared potentials off...

11-19-02

Kids

They make it so hard to do everything. They take forever to get on their coats, shoes, hats and bags.
Not for long.
They do all the things I tell them not to do. They nod their heads in time with my repeated warnings not to leave their stuff in the middle of the floor, then they run off leaving a trail of mess and muddle behind them.
Not for long.
They fight, yell, pout, stomp and whine. They hardly ever appreciate anything that you buy or do for them. They want you to play more, say more, read more, just one more puhleeze?
Not for long.
They need you to watch every single little thing they do. They need to talk to you right away when you are on the phone, or in the toilet.
They want to be tucked in and have their favorite teddys and dolls.
Not for long.
They let you kiss their cheeks, their toes, and their boo-boos. For now, they tolerate- sometimes even like it when you rain kisses upon them.
Not for long.


So that's just a few days in a week of being a parent. Not for the fainthearted, do you think it's worth it?

I do - shhhhhhhhhh don't tell anyone

Toni

[kittynh]

well, Pool boy claims he thought kids would just kind of be there, every once in awhile coming over for him to pat their head.

Recently someone asked Pool Boy for parenting advice (no one can figure out how Kitten turned out so well). He actually said this, "My best advice, when you leave a bowl of cereal out for the kids to eat in the morning, don't pour the milk in it that night. The cereal will get soggy and the kids will come wake you up. Leave a little container of milk for the kids to pour on the cereal. Make sure it's small enough though, because if the kids spill the milk they will come wake you up. I found the average 2 year old can handle this, oh and have the tv channel tuned to PBS, and they can't wake you until Seasame STreet is over."

this in answer to a man who wondered how our daughter got in the Ivy League.

[MoeFaux]

Kittynh, that's too funny.

[ManfredVonRichthoffen]

On a less negative note, here are some reasons to have kids:

You are tired of getting up to get the remote.

Your wife won't play video games with you.

You find it funny when guests come over if a short person runs through the room naked.

There is no one around to enjoy your witty witticisms about Uranus.

Try as you might, no one over 30 will pull your finger.

You enjoy having this conversation:
"Dad, watch."
"I'm watching."
"Are you watching?"
"I'm watching."
"Just keep watching."
"OK, I'm watching."
Then quickly turning away before something spectacular happens.

You have the urge to teach someone to grill, and the neighbor seems to think he already knows.

You need someone to repeat the nasty things you say about people in private to the people in question.

You need a weed connection.

[Mr Manifesto]

Originally posted by ManfredVonRichthoffen

You enjoy having this conversation:
"Dad, watch."
"I'm watching."
"Are you watching?"
"I'm watching."
"Just keep watching."
"OK, I'm watching."
Then quickly turning away before something spectacular happens.


You... BASTARD!!!! My Dad did that to me! I thought he was just being distracted! Just wait till he gets back from Canada...

[Suezoled]

Manfred is Mr Manifesto's father????
:eek: ;)

[Vorticity]

Originally posted by Mr Manifesto
Can I humbly suggest that you <h1>DON'T HAVE CHILDREN!</h1>
http://www.randi.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=30834&perpage=40&pagenumber=1

nyah-nyah-nyah-nyaaah-nyaaaaah! :p

[Chanileslie]

Originally posted by jimlintott

This probably isn't the place to say that my kids are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. So I won't.

Mine too. I wouldn't trade them or the experience of each and everyone of them (I have three) for anything. Oh, and don't tell them I said that. I have been trying (unsuccessfully) for years to convince them they are one step away from being sold to the circus! :D

[Chanileslie]

Originally posted by MoeFaux
Oh, I'm a breeder. I'm just not ready yet.
After helping raise a baby sister (with bad parents not doing thier job), and then being a Nanny for two years, I know a little something about kids. I adore babies. They're exhausting, but so wonderful.
I think that when I decide it's ready, and then get pregnant, finding out will be the happiest day of my life.
Not ready yet, though. I need to get my life together first, have some money in the bank, and ...ahem...have some help.

Smart woman!!

I didn't wait for any of the above before having my first, and I won't say it was easy, but we made it and I wouldn't trade him for anything. He is very special and he always can make me smile. I love when I get home from work and he says: "How was your day, mom?" Or when he does something of which he is very proud, and he wants me to come see. "Come, mom, come." Or when he thinks I am being too silly, "MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!" and then covers his eyes and shakes his head.

[Chanileslie]

Originally posted by Flame


So that's just a few days in a week of being a parent. Not for the fainthearted, do you think it's worth it?

I do - shhhhhhhhhh don't tell anyone

Toni

Me too!! Ain't it grand!! ;)

[jj]

Been there, done that. Twice. Did't carry any of the illusions you list, though.

It's actually quite rewarding, especially when they answer the door when the JW's call.

Now one is a teenager. It's a bit more, erm, interesting, but less so than when she was .5...