Fear of EVER getting married

[Iamme]

I am trying to coax out all the single posters. Don't be bashful. And of those who are already married or plan to be soon, let's hear you comments.

I have enjoyed my freedom now for 32 years. Never been married. I am set in my ways. But here is what i actually fear:

I fear, that if I were married, that the novelty would wear off. I don't want that to happen. I want to retain that euphoric feeling I get when I lay my eyes on a cute, sweet girl in the grocery store. What would I do, if I was married? I'd be sick. Wouldn't I?

I also envision being married to a woman that turns out the way my grandma did. She went senile. Walked around with underwear outside her clothes. She also grew a beard. Ewwwww. Who wants THAT? My grandpa didn't like it. He yelled and threw things at her and called her a dumb bunny. (Iamme thinking of THAT image...now thinking of images on video entitled "Girls Gone Wild".)

Then, I fear the kids aspect. Do I want kids? Yes and no combined. My fears are the responsibilty. It also creeps me out to imagine them growing into teens because when THAT happens, I know I would be old. THEIR aging would be a measurement of time for me. The way it is now, I can pretend I am not getting old.:D I'm not too fond of the thought of going to parent/teacher meetings either. I would hate to have to relive the entire school thing all over.:eek:

Hugh Hefner, here I come?

[arcticpenguin]

1) What does this have to do with religion or philosophy?

2) We don't want you to have kids.

[Disco]

going on 20+ years. Yes, the novelty does wear off, but you can experiment with a lot of different things sexually during the course of a lifetime. The trick is to continue to grow along with your mate, not away from them. Hubby & I still try new things from time to time.

And you can still appreciate young hotties you see - either in person or through media. I learned early on in our relationship that pointing out hot chicks turned on my hubby. He knew I appreciated his libido, & I trusted that he was only lusting in his heart (oh I know it's really his head.) ;)

IMO, fantasy in the bedroom is required & should not be censored. Sometimes couples may try something that doesn't work, so you don't do it again. Key is to communicate & be willing to accept boundry lines. Takes some work & commitment.

I wouldn't want to be going from one relationship to the next. Growing old with someone who knows me better than anyone else, who gets all of my inside jokes, who has shared so many good & bad times with me, is something I cherish.

And I'm a sappy, cheesy gal. Oh well!

MHB

[TruthSeeker]

Originally posted by arcticpenguin
1) What does this have to do with religion or philosophy?

2) We don't want you to have kids.


The penguin is cranky :)

[Yahzi]

Originally posted by Iamme
My fears are the responsibilty.
Yes, that's quite clear. You fear accepting responsibility. Why does this not surprise me?

The meaning of life is found in the responsiblities we accept. Yes, a responsible life is not as much fun; but it is much more meaningful. But I suppose adulthood is not for everybody.

[Yahzi]

Ack. Double post.

[Keneke]

Marriage (or lack of), children, and finding a love occupies my time, thoughts, and brain more than skeptical thought ever could. Being 30 and single is harsh down here in Alabama; traditionally everyone marries quickly. My apparent good looks and money doesn't matter when there's no one left in town I still want (but I'm not impossible to please, no worries there). Yeah, I look around on the internet, shameful as that seems to me.

Even though life seems meaningless, and life's reproductive urges exist without purpose, I have a hard time overcoming the sadness I feel of being alone. I know its all about the culture, but it's really hard to get over.

[Iamme]

Poor Keneke!:eek: Don't they have a low age of consent law down there? I happened by chance once, to see in my World Almanac (I swear I wasn't looking this up) that some State has a 13 year old age of conscent law. 13! And it wasn't Alabama, or Mississsippi either. It was like...hmmm.Vermont?

Are you seriously down in the dumps over this? And you are good looking and have money? What's your problem? Too picky? Are you afraid of girls? (You know...like they'll go and tell their friends about how you are in bed, and what 'size' you are?...and stuff?)

[jan]

I would say evolution shaped the human brain so that it can stand and even requires a certain amount of stress. Young people go to the amusement park to use the roller coaster, or they date, and when they are older, they marry and get children to get their needed dose of stress.

If you don't marry and get children, you will find some less comfortable sort of stress, or otherwise your brain will implode due to the lack of stress.

[Keneke]

Age of consent? ew. Even 18 and 19 year olds are rarely mature enough for me, not even mentioning anyone younger. You must be joking.

Picky? I don't go out with just anyone, but I am quite tolerant, patient, and forgiving. So in an even playing field, I'm just about right, but I could be considered picky in my current conditions. I just need to move to NYC...they say single straight men are an endangered species up there.

And yes, Jan, I see how lack of stress can cause that. I *want* to fall in love, get into arguments, worry about someone when they're gone, punish a child when he does something wrong. It's that urge to pass on my genes and my philosophy that focuses my life. But the women around here who feel the same way are already getting down to business doing just that.

[TruthSeeker]

Hello Keneke,

Well, to begin, it feels strange discussing dating strategies with the Pope. Didn't you take a vow?

What are you doing to meet women? Are you "out there" or are you waiting for her to knock on your door?

I know how hard it is and how scary it is.

[Keneke]

Well, what I do to meet women is I go out into the congregation, and I see someone I like, and invite them for a ride in my popemobile... :p

But seriously, I do go out, as well as look on the internet. Trust me, my methods are good enough. There are women out there, it's not like I am in the Australian outback or something.

Maybe I am just too picky? Not as charming as I think I am? Too worked up with love to actually BE in love? Am I objectifying women? Rushing? I don't think I am, but I always could be wrong.

Oh, and one last thing: I find this objective assessment of my love life embarassing!

[TruthSeeker]

Hey, I'd go for a ride in the popemobile any day! :D


Well, then, enough about your love life.

The people I know who are seriously looking make it a priority in their life. One woman is committed to meeting/"screening" at least one man each week. They join single's groups, interest groups or clubs, answer/place personal ads etc. etc.

There is a single life coach website (http://www.singlelifecoach.com) that might be useful. Others have found it helpful.

Finding a partner is a numbers game. The more people you meet, the greater your chances.

[neutrino_cannon]

Originally posted by arcticpenguin
1) What does this have to do with religion or philosophy?

2) We don't want you to have kids.


I, however would like to have your children mister penguin.

The problem with marriages is that sometimes they suck. Sure, there are low-fall out divorces, or at least, I've been told they exist, but on the whole it's not a fun thing for those involved or those in a fairly wide radius.

[Suggestologist]

Originally posted by Keneke
Well, what I do to meet women is I go out into the congregation, and I see someone I like, and invite them for a ride in my popemobile... :p

But seriously, I do go out, as well as look on the internet. Trust me, my methods are good enough. There are women out there, it's not like I am in the Australian outback or something.

Maybe I am just too picky? Not as charming as I think I am? Too worked up with love to actually BE in love? Am I objectifying women? Rushing? I don't think I am, but I always could be wrong.

Oh, and one last thing: I find this objective assessment of my love life embarassing!

How many women do you actually talk with when you go out? What do you talk about?

[Keneke]

Plenty. And we small talk.

[jj]

My spouse and I were both "confirmed bachelors" who people were convinced would never ever get involved, let alone marry.

We met each other by getting into an argument on netnews, just after it came into existance.

We still act a lot like kids. It's been, err, um, 18 (19?) years married, and, um, like 22 together.

That's just one data point.

[Zep]

Interesting that this thread is called "FEAR (in big letters) of ever getting married". Why "fear"? If you fear it but you want it, then you don't seem to know what it is about marriage that is causing you such angst.

Can I suggest you either try harder, or stop trying. One leads to success by means of determination and exhaustive search, the other to success by happy circumstance. Either way, you have a higher success rate, but just don't go looking about with a jaundiced eye and discarding what you find by being too critical.

Remember, you are looking for a GOOD match, not a perfect match. No-one will be "perfect" for you.

As for long-term, I'm willing to bet that no married couples here, including those with kids, has had the perfect life together. As well as the good stuff, there are ups and downs (including double entendres) to negotiate, and compromises to be made. Kids are not always angels either, but at least if you want to promote your own genes, they are the way forward...

That's life, I'm afraid! Why not be in it? It's much better than the alternative...

[Some Friggin Guy]

TO Keneke:

TO quote Hugh Jackman (his philosophy on this I whole-heartedly agree with)

"To know when you are ready and have found the right person, you have to be single. You have to be happy being single. And I don't mean content. YOu have to be THRILLED to be single. When you find a person who makes you even happier than that, THAT'S when you are ready."

I have been happily married for 5 years using that philosophy.

[Suggestologist]

Originally posted by Keneke
Plenty. And we small talk.

Well, I'm trying to get some objective facts here. About how many is "plenty". And what do you mean by "small talk" -- do you talk about the weather and the quality of the music in the bar? Or what?

In general, small talk is fine as a start. But telling stories about yourself that make her laugh, etc. can improve her impression of you.

[Keneke]

I think you're trying to get down into the nitpicky parts, Suggestologist, as if my delivery is suspect. How I carry myself around women is fine, I'm not a total social retard.

If you must know, then yes, I small talk and then segue into personal info, slowly testing boundaries and expressing interest, over the course of several conversations. This can take days or weeks or even longer, depending upon the reaction of the woman. I really don't think that is the issue here.

And yes, SFG, I've been happy being single before, and then even happier when I found someone, but she left me. I've had some chances and blown them.

[jimmygun]

I've been married to the same woman for 33 years. If I had not been married I would have starved to death at McDonalds 25 years ago.

Marriage has its ups and downs, it in and outs, its push and pulls, its give and take, do's and don'ts but after this many years I still love my wife, probably more than I did when we first started out. I still find her exicting, comforable, sexy, entertaining and good company. I enjoy to the nth degree doing things for her, with her, because of her (and to her). I consider myself very lucky that I choose this wonderful woman so many years ago and was smart enough to recognize the things that I need to do to keep her.

I must say that I am not blind to the other women of this planet. I appreciate a pretty face, a fine figure and winning ways. These attributes are not necessarily those of youth though. They are part and parcel of the package.

[sorgoth]

Originally posted by jan
I would say evolution shaped the human brain so that it can stand and even requires a certain amount of stress. Young people go to the amusement park to use the roller coaster, or they date, and when they are older, they marry and get children to get their needed dose of stress.

If you don't marry and get children, you will find some less comfortable sort of stress, or otherwise your brain will implode due to the lack of stress.

Hmm.....interesting. I like this... You know, it would also explain why parents with children, even if they DO have the time, rarely do any dangerous sports, or even play stressful video games(It's a rush to have things shot at you!)

[Dorian Gray]

I think that if you read the love/poison/candy thread, it would convince you even more not to be married.

Lust is a far superior "emotion" to love.

[AmateurScientist]

Originally posted by Yahzi


The meaning of life is found in the responsiblities we accept. Yes, a responsible life is not as much fun; but it is much more meaningful. But I suppose adulthood is not for everybody.

The meaning of life, as Monty Python so aptly conveyed in their eponymous movie, is that there is no meaning of life.

Life just is. It means nothing.

If you choose to give your own life "meaning," whatever meaning you assign to it is rather arbitrary, in the grand scheme of things. The cosmos cares not about such "meaning."

AS

[Whoracle]

My fear is very different from all of yours. I am afraid of getting married because of all the horror stories I have heard. When a woman can cheat on you and still get half of your money in divorce court, and vaginamoney (alimoney) on top of it, stuff is seriously messed up. Being that I live in California, one of those god awful community property states, I have heard tons of horror stories of guys being taken through the cleaners. Hell like at Jeff Gordon's soon to be or maybe even now ex wife, she wants $100 million in the divorce! I also have another fear, which living in the middle of suburban hell I see every damn day. I'm afraid the misses will turn into the classic "american bitch." You know, cut off her hair, gain weight, stop having sex with me, and start getting an attitude. I don't want any part of any of that. It's not the fear of committment, I could easily spend the rest of my life with someone, or at least try. I just don't want them taking half of all my money if things don't work out.

[Wudang]

Originally posted by AmateurScientist

Life just is. It means nothing.
AS

Quite - in one of Zelazny's books a character says something about not looking at life as a book which has to have meaning but as a piece of art in which one strives to strike a certain balance or rhythm.
My apologies for the mangling of the quote.

Who said : "I used to wonder what the meaning of life was and then one day I looked in the dictionary and there it was"?

[jan]

Originally posted by Whoracle
Being that I live in California, one of those god awful community property states, I have heard tons of horror stories of guys being taken through the cleaners.

Interesting. I used to think you Americans can make contracts before marriage to rule out such outcomings?

[Iamme]

Zep---No...it's the fear of *EVER* getting married.

[Suggestologist]

Originally posted by Keneke
I think you're trying to get down into the nitpicky parts, Suggestologist, as if my delivery is suspect. How I carry myself around women is fine, I'm not a total social retard.

If you must know, then yes, I small talk and then segue into personal info, slowly testing boundaries and expressing interest, over the course of several conversations. This can take days or weeks or even longer, depending upon the reaction of the woman. I really don't think that is the issue here.

Well, what's your weak spot? Getting the first date? Getting the first kiss? Getting the bra off?

[Whoracle]

"Interesting. I used to think you Americans can make contracts before marriage to rule out such outcomings?"


You can but they are finding all kinds of ways to void them in divorce court.

[Zep]

Originally posted by Whoracle
"Interesting. I used to think you Americans can make contracts before marriage to rule out such outcomings?"


You can but they are finding all kinds of ways to void them in divorce court. Gee, talk about having a positive attitude to start with!!! :wink:

[Keneke]

Originally posted by Suggestologist
Well, what's your weak spot? Getting the first date? Getting the first kiss? Getting the bra off?

My weak spot is going from fun to seriousness. I have had f***-buddies in the past, and have also remained monogamous (and once, celibate) to honor girlfriends that make potential mates...but long-term plans always fall through. I have female friends, and single life ain't too horribly bad. I just want something more. (cue Ashman & Menken) Maybe none of them were ready for it yet, who knows?

[Suggestologist]

Originally posted by Keneke


My weak spot is going from fun to seriousness. I have had f***-buddies in the past, and have also remained monogamous (and once, celibate) to honor girlfriends that make potential mates...but long-term plans always fall through. I have female friends, and single life ain't too horribly bad. I just want something more. (cue Ashman & Menken) Maybe none of them were ready for it yet, who knows?

Were they of an age where they could have wanted to settle down?

Personally, I'm not interested in long-term relationships and/or having children. But from what I've seen, getting too serious will only scare the girl away. Keep things fun. Test the waters before proposing a more serious relationship. And build response potential before you ever get around to doing so. This can involve watching movies where characters end up married in the end ("The Wedding Singer" crosses my mind, now), and talking about it, and so on...

[epepke]

Originally posted by Keneke
[B]I think you're trying to get down into the nitpicky parts, Suggestologist, as if my delivery is suspect. How I carry myself around women is fine, I'm not a total social retard.

If you must know, then yes, I small talk and then segue into personal info, slowly testing boundaries and expressing interest, over the course of several conversations. This can take days or weeks or even longer, depending upon the reaction of the woman. I really don't think that is the issue here.

Sorry to butt in here, but I struggled with this for many years and eventually figured out how to get out of it.

You have to signal interest very quickly, not necessarily enough to be definite, but enough enough to put a wedge in the door. By "very quickly" I mean that five minutes is usually too long a time span. Fifteen seconds is more like. Of course there are exceptions, but most of the time, unless there's a spark there, you're doomed to LJBF.

The technique for doing this is usually called "flirting" and is deliberately ambiguous; it's a form of play, without serious intent (or is it?).

After that, you can slack off a bit and be cautious, for months or even years.