Religion and Atheism, in a relationship

[alex04]

I've recently fallen for a girl who happens to be religious. As I happen to be an atheist.. well, i can foresee some obvious problems, despite that we're both very tolerant of other people's beliefs. Aside from that, we're crazy about each other.

My question is, is anyone in this forum, in a relationship where one person's an atheist, and the other a believer? Remembering that, in the case of this girl, "God" is a very important part of her life.

[ImaginalDisc]

I've recently fallen for a girl who happens to be religious. As I happen to be an atheist.. well, i can foresee some obvious problems, despite that we're both very tolerant of other people's beliefs. Aside from that, we're crazy about each other.

My question is, is anyone in this forum, in a relationship where one person's an atheist, and the other a believer? Remembering that, in the case of this girl, "God" is a very important part of her life.

Does she insist on making religion an important part of your life?

I've been in a long relationship with a fairly religious girl and we got along fine.

[Rasmus]

Would she insist in making religion an important part of the life of your future children?

I want to be important to my partner, and I've had huge problems being seen as a gift from some other entity, being firmly put in second place at best and other such things.

Never mind such minor incompatibilities that I cannot and will not have a religious marriage ever.

[burrahobbit]

I am in a relationship with a fairly religious girl. As ImaginalDisc said, the issue is not whether She is religious. The question is whether she wants You also to be religious. I have seen many relationships with one very religious person and one atheist/Agnostic work very well on the basis of mutual respect and avoidance of argument on the subject.

The issue is likely to become more complicated if there are children in the mix.

[qwints]

It's only a problem if you let it be. If you don't have any requirements for each other based on your beliefs, then it shouldn't be an issue. The biggest potential problem is if her family or friends can appeal to her religion to attack the relationship. Hearing "thou shalt not be yoked to a non-believer" can get old real fast. My fiance is Christian and I'm atheist. We've talked about it and moved on. Be open and be respectful and you should be fine.

[westprog]

I've recently fallen for a girl who happens to be religious. As I happen to be an atheist.. well, i can foresee some obvious problems, despite that we're both very tolerant of other people's beliefs. Aside from that, we're crazy about each other.


There might be issues with families, friends etc. But to summarise the above :


You are madly in love with each other
You are both extremely tolerant of differences


I don't think you need any help whatsoever. I think you should thank God every morning. Well, she should, you should do the atheist equivalent.


My question is, is anyone in this forum, in a relationship where one person's an atheist, and the other a believer? Remembering that, in the case of this girl, "God" is a very important part of her life.

And her mother is a very important part of her life. She's not your mother, and never will be - but you can listen to her talking about her relationship and nod sympathetically.

Don't talk yourself out of this.

[Rasmus]

Be open and be respectful and you should be fine.

That would be another problem for me: I do not respect religion and UI do not respect religious people.

I may respect them in other areas, but it irritates me to know that adults will happily cling to their superstitious santa clause believes. I could never really, fully respect someone like that. That would make a relationship .... pretty difficult?

[Rasmus]

And her mother is a very important part of her life. She's not your mother, and never will be - but you can listen to her talking about her relationship and nod sympathetically.

To a degree, yes. Beyond a certain degree - no.

[bokonon]

Rasmus, you're a bigot, and shouldn't attempt a relationship with a religious person any more than a white supremacist should attempt an interracial relationship.

Alex04, you don't seem to be a bigot, and it doesn't seem like your girlfriend is a bigot. I don't think the fact that your girlfriend is a believer and you are not should be a dealbreaker for you.

I was married and divorced twice with women who shared my lack of belief. My third marriage, to a somewhat devout Catholic, has lasted 20 years, and produced wonderful children. I've let them be raised Catholic, and when they were younger, even attended services with them. For the past few years, I've stopped going to church, and recently, the wife and kids have kind of stopped going too, although the youngest is still going through "confirmation" classes.

The oldest child has recently come out as an agnostic, and brings home things like "The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster." The youngest is, I think, still a believer, though we were recently listening to a "This American Life" rerun about an evangelical in Oklahoma who stopped preaching hellfire and damnation and embraced something akin to Unitarian Universalism, and as we discussed the show there were signs of "going through the motions to make Mom happy" there too. I don't think my kids have had the reason knocked out of them by being exposed to religion per se. If it was some "born again" cult that insisted on focusing every aspect of life around a myth, that might have been a different thing.

Most believers in America don't make religion the focus of their lives. They're earning a living, shopping for groceries, getting the car fixed, and doing a thousand other practical things required to be a part of modern western society. You say "God" is a very important part of your girlfriend's life, and you probably need to take a realistic look at what that really means. Does she pray for hours on end instead of doing what needs to be done, or is it more of a "wish me luck" afterthought which hurts no one?

I couldn't see myself in a long-term relationship with a fundamentalist, so I'm a bit of a bigot too. But I wouldn't say that a long-term relationship between a tolerant believer and a tolerant atheist is doomed, even if children are involved. My experience has been very much otherwise.

[Scazon]

My brother and his partner have been together since 1977. She's atheist, he's Catholic. They have four kids, all baptised, all clever, sensitive and artistic, and one of whom is religious(ish). I can't see it lasting.

[Foster Zygote]

I've recently fallen for a girl who happens to be religious. As I happen to be an atheist.. well, i can foresee some obvious problems, despite that we're both very tolerant of other people's beliefs. Aside from that, we're crazy about each other.

My question is, is anyone in this forum, in a relationship where one person's an atheist, and the other a believer? Remembering that, in the case of this girl, "God" is a very important part of her life.

I'm an atheist. My wife is Catholic. We've been with each other for twenty years. We have a beautiful little boy and plan on another child in the near future.

Go for it. If it doesn't work then it doesn't work. But if it does you will have gained so much. I suspect that you'll find that the differences are far less of an issue than you fear they will be.

[Cavemonster]

A lot of people make it work, precedent is on your side.

I recently had the epiphany that I couldn't date someone who had religious beliefs, it would just shatter the illusion of closeness or sympatico, and I can't get past the notion that religious people are either misinformed or don't value logic highly.

This of course is my own predjudice. I have known many religious people and spiritual people who were as kind and interesting and intelligent as anyone I have met, but in a romantic relationship it feels important to me to share a basic view of the world.

But again, that's just me.

[Gord_in_Toronto]

Unless either one or both of you makes your belief or lack there of the centre of their life, there really should be no problems.

Mrs Toronto and I have been married for 37 years. She attends church pretty much every Sunday and I stay in bed. When we do discuss religion we can get into a shouting match so it is a topic we stay away from -- mostly. I like to think she has become a more skeptical person over the years.

We have two children, both in their 30s, who never had religion or atheism pushed on them but were allowed to make up their own minds. My daughter is a sort of non-church attending Christian but married to an atheist. My son, I suppose, would describe himself as an agnostic. I'll ask him when he comes home for Christmas the Winter Solstice Festival.

Bonne chance. :)

[quarky]

Funny how little it matters. It should be a big deal to either party, one would think.
But it seems to matter less than political affiliation.

My dad was a devout atheist; mom a catholic; married 60 years.
But they were both democrats.

[Lanzy]

R E S P E C T
That's all. My wife is very much a theist and we have been married for 37 years. I've never pretended belief she has never pretended dis-belief. We have 3 children that were all allowed to decide for themselves, which resulted in one Methodist, One atheist, and one wiccan. And one grandchild who is currently making up her mind.

We just don't bring it up. My wife decided if there is an afterlife I'm probably a good enough person to squeek in, If there isn't... well..there isn't and she will never have to say, yep, you were right, nothing here to see.

[quarky]

A belief in two gods would be harder to handle, I suspect, for both the theist and atheist, than something more conventional.

Society at large can handle atheism quite nicely. But 2 gods?!!

stone them, I say, and then burn them at the stake.


(If you go with polytheism, make sure its more than 2 gods. That's my advice.)

[godless dave]

It's only a problem if you let it be.

I agree with this only if the "you" is plural. It only takes one partner to cause problems in a relationship.

[alex04]

thanks for the comments everyone, much appreciated! Some good points made.