Heaven... GUARANTEED!

[Roadtoad]

I've got to admit: I wish I'd thought of this one first...

http://www.buyintoheaven.com/default.asp

Sometimes, I have to admit, you've got to wonder what people were thinking.

[Scoobmaster]

Well it finally happened didn't it? God has sold out!!!!!! Let's face it - if he is willing to let that dude with the pitchfork on the photo page in for a price - ANYONE can buy their way in.

[Yahweh]

Wow, its Pascal's Wadger in PayPal form, what do you have to lose!

[Yahweh]

It appears the website is rated 91% Good.

(To measure goodness or badness of website, see The Gematriculator (http://homokaasu.org/gematriculator/?buyintoheaven.com).)

[ebola]

This actually did occur to me some time ago. I remember watching a program about the major tobacco companies, and some one was saying that cigarettes were very nearly the perfect product. The reasons went something like:

1) Fairly inexpensive to produce
2) Fairly inexpensive to the consumer
3) Not reusable
4) Very addictive
5) Fanatic brand loyalty

If it weren't for the fact that this product will shorten the lifespan ( and, therefore, the length of time the customer will continue to purchase the product ) of the customer, and the inherent risk of product liability suits, it would be perfect.

It came to me that there was, in fact, a better product. I give you Paradise:

1) Zero cost to produce
2) Consumer cost can be driven up based on the ability to pay
3) Consumer continues to pay for product his entire, unshortened life
4) Consumer cannot use it until he dies:
a) No one can complain that heaven isn't "as advertised"
b) No refunds to dissatisfied customers
c) No lawsuits brought by dissatisfied customers

There are a couple of things I would have done differently:

1) No stupid certificate. It unnecessarily drives up the cost, while producing no real reassurance.
2) Ironclad guarantee of Paradise despite behavior
3) Assurance that Paradise is as good or better than heaven

Ethically, I could not bring myself to market this product.

Eric

[calladus]

But it DOES have a money back guarantee!

If, when you 'pass over the chilly water', you do NOT go directly to Heaven (or equivalent) simply return your individually numbered Certificate along with proof of where you actually ended up (a photograph or signed affidavit will suffice) and your purchase price, minus shipping and handling, will be cheerfully refunded. Proof of death (such as a notarized copy of your Death Certificate) is also required.

LMAO!!

This is GREAT! Not only does the dearly departed get his/her money refunded, he or she will also be able to claim Randi's prize by presenting a picture of hell or signed affidavit from ol' Scratch himself!

'course it might be hard to SPEND that million!

[Marquis de Carabas]

It appears the website is rated 91% Good.

(To measure goodness or badness of website, see The Gematriculator.)
It is (probably not) worth pointing out that the phrase "What would Jesus do?" is 50% good (and, therefore 50% evil), while the phrase "What would Cthulhu do?" is fully 99% good.

[Rose]

randi.org is rated 85% good, 15% evil. hmm, what other sites to rate?

[Rose]

hmm. Slyvia.org is 66% good, 33% bad. at least the thing has some sense of discrimination.

[Yahweh]

Originally posted by Marquis de Carabas
It is (probably not) worth pointing out that the phrase "What would Jesus do?" is 50% good (and, therefore 50% evil), while the phrase "What would Cthulhu do?" is fully 99% good.

Probably not worth pointing out? I dont follow...

:D

[ManfredVonRichthoffen]

whitehouse.com(porn site) is 22% evil.

whitehouse.gov is 41% evil.

[Earthborn]

Type the words 'God' or 'Satan' in that gematriculator-text analyser. Are there any theologians out there able to explain that?

[arcticpenguin]

I'm not worried. SkepticScott promised me one of his Get out of Hell free cards; that's a guarantee in itself, right?

[LawnOven]

Originally posted by Earthborn
Type the words 'God' or 'Satan' in that gematriculator-text analyser. Are there any theologians out there able to explain that?

try "devil" :)

[Martin]

My real name returns 99% good. Bow down before me, hellspawn.

[SFB]

This thread is:

23% evil, 77% good!

From the Gematriculator site:

"Experts consider the mathematical patterns in the text of the Holy Bible as God's watermark of authenticity. Thus, the Gematriculator provides only results that are absolutely correct."

[Craig]

Originally posted by Martin
My real name returns 99% good. Bow down before me, hellspawn.

Hmm, my name returns 99% evil.

I'm the Anti-Martin.

[Martin]

Originally posted by Craig


Hmm, my name returns 99% evil.

I'm the Anti-Martin. Actually, by incuding 'Mr', I get 99% evil too. If you've got five minutes to spare sometime, we could have a crack at world domination.

[arcticpenguin]

arcticpenguin
99% evil, 1% good. They're on to me.

[ebola]

ebola is 99% ..... good.

Eric

[Kilted_Canuck]

My real name is 99% good, while Kilted_Canuck is 66% evil. While this post is 95% evil and 5% good!

[Roadtoad]

Yes, but with a written guarantee, who cares how good or evil your name is?

[c4ts]

Dammit, I'm only 60 percent evil!

On the other hand, "f**king" is 99% good, but just about everybody knows that.