How the Bible Helped Me Solve a Microsoft Issue

[SphereGuy]

The following is a true story and may be long but is worth reading.

My very religious sister was trying to use current events in my life to point out that the bible can solve any problem you may face, through our Lord, Jesus Christ. So I asked why the Lord doesn’t just cure my brother’s cancer, allow a specific woman to fall in love with me, or even just drop a million dollars in my lap and she explained that it doesn’t work like that. Of course. I knew that even before I asked. My brother is suffering because without suffering he can’t appreciate the good things in life, like serving the Lord. His life is an example of what not to do so we can better serve the Lord. I shouldn’t be lusting anyway because that takes away time from the Lord. I can’t have a million dollars because that distracts from the Lord.

And on and on.

So I asked, if he doesn’t really solve any problems then what’s the point of taking our problems to him in prayer? What’s the point in following a god that doesn’t solve anything? She told me miracles sometimes happen, I just have to trust in him and look to the bible for guidance.

So today I was confronted with a problem. When I created a new user in the Windows Server 2003 Active Directory a corresponding mailbox in Exchange Server 2003 was not being created. I had just reinstalled Exchange onto a brand new server and this was the first user added since so I figured I had something configured wrong or there was a step in the new versions (well, new to me) that was different from the old versions. Anyway, I decided to let the Bible, the King James version (what I grew up with) help me solve this problem.

I started with the error log. An Exchange error of 9562 was recorded at the time the mailbox should have been created. It reads, “Failed to read attribute msExchUserAccountControl from Active Directory for /o=NICAO/ou=First Administrative Group/cn=Recipients/cn=user.” So I started at the most logical spot, 1st Kings, Chapter 5, verse 6 (the 9th book of the bible, 5th chapter 6th verse from the error 9562). It reads, “But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods, even Ashdod and the coasts thereof.”

The whole Chapter 5 is about the Ark that holds the 10 commandments and I guess it has great powers because it leveled the city of Ashdod and the people who lived there cried out that it should have never been brought there and that it should leave immediately. If something came and leveled my city I’d be pretty upset, too. But I wasn’t convinced, what was the 2 on the end for? So I added the 6 and 2 and read verse 8, “They sent therefore and gathered all the lords of the Philistines unto them, and said, What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the God of Israel be carried about unto Gath. And they carried the ark of the God of Israel about thither.”

So, this would mean the Ark, which carries a message, is being sent to Gath after it destroyed Ashdod. This was exactly my problem. I created a user, and his mailbox (which holds messages) was being sent somewhere after it messed with my Exchange server. So, all I had to do was find Gath and then maybe I could find the answer to my problem.

I read the next two chapters which explained how the Philistines first traveled to a place called Bathshemesh, where they killed 50,070 people just for looking at them. Yes, these guys were mean. They weren’t stupid, though, and asked their priests how to get the Ark to stop wiping out their cities and their priests told them to give it back to Israel with a peace offering which included 5 golden mice. I’m assuming so the people of Israel could surf the net in luxury.

Well, the Philistines ended up giving the Ark to some guys in Kirjathjearim and told them to take care of it or else. They did a pretty good job. 20 years later the people of Israel gathered at a place called Mizpeh to pray as a nation and the Philistines, worried about something or other, came to put a stop to it. But surprise, surprise, the people rose up and drove the Philistines away by burning a lamb to get the Lord to help them. Then Samuel went on to become a high-powered judge and spent his days judging things and cutting babies in half and stuff.

So this means my mailbox was probably given to another process, and after a wait, yet another process will free this process by conquering the previous process. Samuel was a judge who drove away the Philistines by sacrificing a lamb, a baby, so I must find a young process to sacrifice to restore order to my Exchange Server. Looking through the logs I found that the last process to error out was the Recipient Update Service which updates the Exchange Server with any new users.

Then I read 1st Kings, Chapter 7, Verse 14, “And the cities which the Philistines had taken from Israel were restored to Israel, from Ekron even unto Gath; and the coasts thereof did Israel deliver out of the hands of the Philistines. And there was peace between Israel and the Amorites.”
The cities were returned and peace followed. It was like rebuilding the kingdom. So I went back to the Recipient Update Service and found that there was indeed an option to rebuild! I rebuilt the service and there was peace between Israel and the Amorites, er, I mean the Exchange Server and the Active Directory!

The bible really did help me solve a Microsoft issue. How did the Lord know that I would have this problem 2000 years after it was written? What else lay hidden on it's fragile pages? And does he work on Macs?

Time will tell but I carry a Bible in my tech kit now, for when I just can't figure things out.

[Roadtoad]

Nominated!

[hcmom]

Sadly, it's possible the Bible is more helpful than Microsoft Support would have been...

[Jeff Wagg]

I have used a bible to remove solder from a soldering iron, to prop up an overheated computer on a hotel bed, and to bang a troublesome cabinet enclosure into place. Its wonders never cease.

[Roadtoad]

I have used a bible to remove solder from a soldering iron, to prop up an overheated computer on a hotel bed, and to bang a troublesome cabinet enclosure into place. Its wonders never cease.

Jesus loves you, Jeff. :p

[Fnord]

Personally, I'm rather fond of this joke...

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody. It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

[Mr Clingford]

^^^Not bad^^^

[boloboffin]

Well, I like to tell the story of my uncle who was going about town, minding his own business, when the heavens opened up and the Lord spoke to him, saying, "Bolo's Uncle, go to thine bank and withdraw all of thine money."

My uncle was astonished at being spoken to by the Lord, especially with such an extraordinary command. He made as if to question the Lord, whereupon the clouds began to roil and the voice of the Lord said, "Bolo's Uncle! Go unto thine bank and withdraw all of thine money, thus saith the Lord!"

So he did, of course. He went and closed his savings and checking accounts and took the cash and went back out into the street, where again the heavens opened up, the light shone around him, and the Lord said, "Bolo's Uncle, take all of thine money, and go, board a plane to Las Vegas."

Verily, my uncle's chin did hit his chest. Again he made as if to question the Lord, and the nostrils of the Lord did widen, and he spoke again, "Do not question the Lord thy God! Take all of thine money and go this instant to board a plane to Las Vegas, thus saith the Lord of Hosts!"

So my uncle went to the airport, purchased a ticket to Las Vegas, and got on the plane. When it landed, he left the airport, and again the heavens opened up, shining a light onto the Wynn, and a still, small voice whispered into my uncle's ear, "Bolo's Uncle! Get in a taxi cab and go to the place where my light shines."

Without question, my uncle got into the cab and went to the Wynn. As he got out, a flaming bush by the doors spoke to him, saying, "Bolo's Uncle! Proceed thou into the casino."

He did. A dove landed on his shoulder and whispered to him, saying, "Go thou to the nearest roulette table and put all of thine money onto Black 33."

At this, my uncle balked again, and the lights in the casino dimmed, and the Lord waxed wroth, saying, "Have I not provided for you in times of trouble and now you doubt the word of your very Creator? Take all of thine money, and lo, place it on Black 33!!"

My uncle darted over and placed all of his money on Black 33. The dealer spun the ball and it began to skip over the slots like my uncle's own heart. And finally the ball stopped securely in Red 16.

And the Lord said, ":rule10."

[JoeTheJuggler]

And does he work on Macs?

I think he regards Apples as the forbidden fruit. ;)

[TX50]

I have used a bible to remove solder from a soldering iron, to prop up an overheated computer on a hotel bed, and to bang a troublesome cabinet enclosure into place. Its wonders never cease.

Gideons once handed out little bibles to the kids just before we went off
on an Army cadet exercise. Many of us discovered that bible paper pages are
great as toilet paper, kindling for camp fires and homemade rollup cigarettes.
So always have a bible in your survival kit! ;)

[Robin]

I am sorry, I am having a little trouble understanding the premise of this thread.

You say you got a Microsoft product working properly with another Microsoft product?

[Ducky]

ducky@gibson:~$ sudo su -
root@gibson:~# useradd God; cat /etc/passwd | grep God
God:x:1007:1008::/home/God:/bin/sh
root@gibson:~# userdel God; cat /etc/passwd | grep God
root@gibson:~#



It appears I not only understand more as a UNIX user, I can easily undo the mistake of creating God.

[Dave Rogers]

OP appearing as a sincere testimony on a Christian fundamentalist website in 10... 9... 8...

Dave

[CriticalSock]

Starthinker, can you help? Our SQL admin has left us and I, a humble infrastructure tech, have been left the task of moving an SQL database from one drive to the other. Can you consult the word of the lord for me? Do I need to provide you with any kind of propitiatory sacrifice to intercede on my behalf?

[Delvo]

Obviously, Bill Gates is God.

[Ashles]

I am sorry, I am having a little trouble understanding the premise of this thread.

You say you got a Microsoft product working properly with another Microsoft product?
No, he was only saying he fixed a Microsoft product using the Bible, not actually performing miracles.

[kurious_kathy]

The following is a true story and may be long but is worth reading.

My very religious sister was trying to use current events in my life to point out that the bible can solve any problem you may face, through our Lord, Jesus Christ. So I asked why the Lord doesn’t just cure my brother’s cancer, allow a specific woman to fall in love with me, or even just drop a million dollars in my lap and she explained that it doesn’t work like that. Of course. I knew that even before I asked. My brother is suffering because without suffering he can’t appreciate the good things in life, like serving the Lord. His life is an example of what not to do so we can better serve the Lord. I shouldn’t be lusting anyway because that takes away time from the Lord. I can’t have a million dollars because that distracts from the Lord.

And on and on.

So I asked, if he doesn’t really solve any problems then what’s the point of taking our problems to him in prayer? What’s the point in following a god that doesn’t solve anything? She told me miracles sometimes happen, I just have to trust in him and look to the bible for guidance.

So today I was confronted with a problem. When I created a new user in the Windows Server 2003 Active Directory a corresponding mailbox in Exchange Server 2003 was not being created. I had just reinstalled Exchange onto a brand new server and this was the first user added since so I figured I had something configured wrong or there was a step in the new versions (well, new to me) that was different from the old versions. Anyway, I decided to let the Bible, the King James version (what I grew up with) help me solve this problem.

I started with the error log. An Exchange error of 9562 was recorded at the time the mailbox should have been created. It reads, “Failed to read attribute msExchUserAccountControl from Active Directory for /o=NICAO/ou=First Administrative Group/cn=Recipients/cn=user.” So I started at the most logical spot, 1st Kings, Chapter 5, verse 6 (the 9th book of the bible, 5th chapter 6th verse from the error 9562). It reads, “But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods, even Ashdod and the coasts thereof.”

The whole Chapter 5 is about the Ark that holds the 10 commandments and I guess it has great powers because it leveled the city of Ashdod and the people who lived there cried out that it should have never been brought there and that it should leave immediately. If something came and leveled my city I’d be pretty upset, too. But I wasn’t convinced, what was the 2 on the end for? So I added the 6 and 2 and read verse 8, “They sent therefore and gathered all the lords of the Philistines unto them, and said, What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the God of Israel be carried about unto Gath. And they carried the ark of the God of Israel about thither.”

So, this would mean the Ark, which carries a message, is being sent to Gath after it destroyed Ashdod. This was exactly my problem. I created a user, and his mailbox (which holds messages) was being sent somewhere after it messed with my Exchange server. So, all I had to do was find Gath and then maybe I could find the answer to my problem.

I read the next two chapters which explained how the Philistines first traveled to a place called Bathshemesh, where they killed 50,070 people just for looking at them. Yes, these guys were mean. They weren’t stupid, though, and asked their priests how to get the Ark to stop wiping out their cities and their priests told them to give it back to Israel with a peace offering which included 5 golden mice. I’m assuming so the people of Israel could surf the net in luxury.

Well, the Philistines ended up giving the Ark to some guys in Kirjathjearim and told them to take care of it or else. They did a pretty good job. 20 years later the people of Israel gathered at a place called Mizpeh to pray as a nation and the Philistines, worried about something or other, came to put a stop to it. But surprise, surprise, the people rose up and drove the Philistines away by burning a lamb to get the Lord to help them. Then Samuel went on to become a high-powered judge and spent his days judging things and cutting babies in half and stuff.

So this means my mailbox was probably given to another process, and after a wait, yet another process will free this process by conquering the previous process. Samuel was a judge who drove away the Philistines by sacrificing a lamb, a baby, so I must find a young process to sacrifice to restore order to my Exchange Server. Looking through the logs I found that the last process to error out was the Recipient Update Service which updates the Exchange Server with any new users.

Then I read 1st Kings, Chapter 7, Verse 14, “And the cities which the Philistines had taken from Israel were restored to Israel, from Ekron even unto Gath; and the coasts thereof did Israel deliver out of the hands of the Philistines. And there was peace between Israel and the Amorites.”
The cities were returned and peace followed. It was like rebuilding the kingdom. So I went back to the Recipient Update Service and found that there was indeed an option to rebuild! I rebuilt the service and there was peace between Israel and the Amorites, er, I mean the Exchange Server and the Active Directory!

The bible really did help me solve a Microsoft issue. How did the Lord know that I would have this problem 2000 years after it was written? What else lay hidden on it's fragile pages? And does he work on Macs?

Time will tell but I carry a Bible in my tech kit now, for when I just can't figure things out.
Well this is a new one, leave it to a techie to come up with it. Go figure?

But on a more serious note I am very sorry to hear about your brothers cancer. I pray the Lord will heal him. These are the hardest questions in life why some suffer so much? I want to encourage you to have faith, God will work things all to the good, he has promised although we may not see this part until heaven.

Can I ask what church or denomination you belong too?

[kurious_kathy]

Well, I like to tell the story of my uncle who was going about town, minding his own business, when the heavens opened up and the Lord spoke to him, saying, "Bolo's Uncle, go to thine bank and withdraw all of thine money."

My uncle was astonished at being spoken to by the Lord, especially with such an extraordinary command. He made as if to question the Lord, whereupon the clouds began to roil and the voice of the Lord said, "Bolo's Uncle! Go unto thine bank and withdraw all of thine money, thus saith the Lord!"

So he did, of course. He went and closed his savings and checking accounts and took the cash and went back out into the street, where again the heavens opened up, the light shone around him, and the Lord said, "Bolo's Uncle, take all of thine money, and go, board a plane to Las Vegas."

Verily, my uncle's chin did hit his chest. Again he made as if to question the Lord, and the nostrils of the Lord did widen, and he spoke again, "Do not question the Lord thy God! Take all of thine money and go this instant to board a plane to Las Vegas, thus saith the Lord of Hosts!"

So my uncle went to the airport, purchased a ticket to Las Vegas, and got on the plane. When it landed, he left the airport, and again the heavens opened up, shining a light onto the Wynn, and a still, small voice whispered into my uncle's ear, "Bolo's Uncle! Get in a taxi cab and go to the place where my light shines."

Without question, my uncle got into the cab and went to the Wynn. As he got out, a flaming bush by the doors spoke to him, saying, "Bolo's Uncle! Proceed thou into the casino."

He did. A dove landed on his shoulder and whispered to him, saying, "Go thou to the nearest roulette table and put all of thine money onto Black 33."

At this, my uncle balked again, and the lights in the casino dimmed, and the Lord waxed wroth, saying, "Have I not provided for you in times of trouble and now you doubt the word of your very Creator? Take all of thine money, and lo, place it on Black 33!!"

My uncle darted over and placed all of his money on Black 33. The dealer spun the ball and it began to skip over the slots like my uncle's own heart. And finally the ball stopped securely in Red 16.

And the Lord said, ":rule10."

This isn't funny! Gambling addiction is a BIG problem and many have truly lost everything like this. Was this your idea of a joke?

[Monster Machine]

Well this is a new one, leave it to a techie to come up with it. Go figure?

But on a more serious note I am very sorry to hear about your brothers cancer. I pray the Lord will heal him. These are the hardest questions in life why some suffer so much? I want to encourage you to have faith, God will work things all to the good, he has promised although we may not see this part until heaven.

Can I ask what church or denomination you belong too?


Where's the "slap forehead" emoticon when you need it?

Monster

[The Norseman]

No, he was only saying he fixed a Microsoft product using the Bible, not actually performing miracles.

Being able to fix a Microsoft product IS a miracle.

[EventHorizon]

Where's the "slap forehead" emoticon when you need it?

Monster

Will this do?

http://waynefontes.com/facepalm.jpeg

[hcmom]

This isn't funny! Gambling addiction is a BIG problem and many have truly lost everything like this. Was this your idea of a joke?

Mine too.

[cyborg]

Was this your idea of a joke?

Yes.

[SphereGuy]

Well this is a new one, leave it to a techie to come up with it. Go figure?

But on a more serious note I am very sorry to hear about your brothers cancer. I pray the Lord will heal him. These are the hardest questions in life why some suffer so much? I want to encourage you to have faith, God will work things all to the good, he has promised although we may not see this part until heaven.

Can I ask what church or denomination you belong too?

KK, not sure if you read this thread (http://forums.randi.org/showthread.php?t=141043), but there really is no hope for my brother. If he pulls through I will personally come witness at your church (I may need transportation expenses). I grew up Baptist but am currently affiliated with a non-denominational church. You can visit it here. (http://www.cf-church.org/main/cgi-bin/index.cgi?nav=go&navid=00&subid=00)

[GreNME]

ducky@gibson:~$ sudo su -
root@gibson:~# useradd God; cat /etc/passwd | grep God
God:x:1007:1008::/home/God:/bin/sh
root@gibson:~# userdel God; cat /etc/passwd | grep God
root@gibson:~#



It appears I not only understand more as a UNIX user, I can easily undo the mistake of creating God.

It's like Nietzsche, but with the command-line!

-----

Being able to fix a Microsoft product IS a miracle.

Nah, it's all smoke and mirrors, just like any good illusionist act.

[Roadtoad]

Well this is a new one, leave it to a techie to come up with it. Go figure?

But on a more serious note I am very sorry to hear about your brothers cancer. I pray the Lord will heal him. These are the hardest questions in life why some suffer so much? I want to encourage you to have faith, God will work things all to the good, he has promised although we may not see this part until heaven.

Can I ask what church or denomination you belong too?

Can't you, for once, just STFU!?!?!

[kurious_kathy]

KK, not sure if you read this thread (http://forums.randi.org/showthread.php?t=141043), but there really is no hope for my brother. If he pulls through I will personally come witness at your church (I may need transportation expenses). I grew up Baptist but am currently affiliated with a non-denominational church. You can visit it here. (http://www.cf-church.org/main/cgi-bin/index.cgi?nav=go&navid=00&subid=00)

No I did not see that thread as I barely ever get in any other sections besides religion on jref. Anyways I made a few comments that I hope will be helpful to you. Live your faith dude, Jesus does make the difference!

[MIKILLINI]

Can't you, for once, just STFU!?!?!

Maybe if her brainwashed programming was removed.....

[Evolved Wookie]

It is a little known ‘fact’ that at least 17% of the information contained in the Dead Sea scrolls is actually in the form of punched cards.

[Soapy Sam]

These are the hardest questions in life why some suffer so much?
Kathy- sometimes when a simple question yields no easy answer, the assumptions behind the question are simply false.

Consider the possibility that if there is no conscious design behind the suffering of the sick, then the question simply ceases to be hard.


When questions just vanish like this, we are usually getting closer to the truth.

That is the simple view of most people on this forum.

It's a view you will find very hard to encompass. But try it on for a minute. See how it feels.

[dahduh]

:D Personally when confronted with a computer problem I consult my secular god, Google. Not only do you usually get step-by-step instructions, but you also get to hear the prayers of all the people who have come before you.

[CriticalSock]

Prayer doesn't solve any problems or provide any answers. Ever.

It can provide consolation though, if your mind is geared that way.

[Magyar]

yup the bible is just like a Guantanamo detainee
If you water board it long enough it, it will say anything you want.

The saddest part is obviously mentally ill people are discouraged, nay even prevented from getting help for their illness because of the greed and power mongering of some 2000 year old pitchman.

[Roadtoad]

Kathy- sometimes when a simple question yields no easy answer, the assumptions behind the question are simply false.

Consider the possibility that if there is no conscious design behind the suffering of the sick, then the question simply ceases to be hard.


When questions just vanish like this, we are usually getting closer to the truth.

That is the simple view of most people on this forum.

It's a view you will find very hard to encompass. But try it on for a minute. See how it feels.

It's too long for pith, but it's simply beautiful in it's expression of a truth.

I'm grateful to be among people like SS.

[SusanB-M1]

Nominated!

Just what I was thinking - definitely should be nominated.

I clicked on the 'nominate' button but it came up with a reply window. (I've never quite worked out the 'nominate' function,.)

[cyborg]

Nominate is essentially a shortcut to replying in the nominations thread like a quoted message.

[NobbyNobbs]

OP appearing as a sincere testimony on a Christian fundamentalist website in 10... 9... 8...

Dave

Well this is a new one, leave it to a techie to come up with it. Go figure?

But on a more serious note I am very sorry to hear about your brothers cancer. I pray the Lord will heal him. These are the hardest questions in life why some suffer so much? I want to encourage you to have faith, God will work things all to the good, he has promised although we may not see this part until heaven.

Can I ask what church or denomination you belong too?


Close enough. Well done, Dave.

[SimonD]

Maybe if her brainwashed programming was removed.....

format KK /u/q ?

[Ducky]

format KK /u/q ?

Well that would have to be it, since she obviously isn't running unix. We can tell by the lack of perls of wisdom.

[AgeGap]

A better use of religion to solve Microsoft problem.
http://forums.randi.org/imagehosting/1813249f8c8433cdd8.bmp (http://forums.randi.org/vbimghost.php?do=displayimg&imgid=16172)
FTW

[The Norseman]

Well that would have to be it, since she obviously isn't running unix. We can tell by the lack of perls of wisdom.

C.. that was sharp! :p

[Hokulele]

Best religion/Unix joke ever.

http://forums.randi.org/showthread.php?postid=2668936#post2668936

[Roadtoad]

Best religion/Unix joke ever.

http://forums.randi.org/showthread.php?postid=2668936#post2668936

And, lo, it was...!