Blond Jesus

[The Atheist]

I love the blond Jesus.

There's just something so holy-looking about a handsome young man with wavy blond hair, blue eyes and a bathrobe.

God: made in the image of man since 10,000 BC.

[Robert Oz]

Considering the Bible never mentions what Jesus actually looked like, how old is the earliest known depiction of Jesus in artwork?

How close do we get to the time he supposedly lived?

And at approximately when did artists decide they would go with the blond-haired, blue-eyed version?

[Evolved Wookie]

It's all a cover up for the fact that he was a green-skinned, pink haired, quadropedal xenomorph from Pluto. The blond thing was a wig.

[The Atheist]

Considering the Bible never mentions what Jesus actually looked like, how old is the earliest known depiction of Jesus in artwork?

Yeah, funny how he's never described physically. Could that because none of the bible's writers ever actually saw him???

Wiki's (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Images_of_Jesus) pretty good for the history.

And at approximately when did artists decide they would go with the blond-haired, blue-eyed version?

I'm going to take a wild stab at that and say it was when lots of blue-eyed, blond-haired people started to get excited about this god fella.

It's all a cover up for the fact that he was a green-skinned, pink haired, quadropedal xenomorph from Pluto. The blond thing was a wig.

Nope, he was a vampire - we conclusively proved that a while back.

[Evolved Wookie]

Nope, he was a vampire - we conclusively proved that a while back.

Interesting...any chance of a link?

[CriticalSock]

This is my favourite depiction of jesus:

http://i448.photobucket.com/albums/qq207/criticalsock/Jesus.jpg

[Cavemonster]

Based on the culture and ethnic group he was supposedly a part of, a historical Jesus would have likely looked something like this.

http://www.popularmechanics.com/science/research/1282186.html

[The Atheist]

Interesting...any chance of a link?

No, I can't find it.

The choice was clearly zombie or vampire and the walking on water clinched it for vampires, because they can overcome gravity.

That's my line and I'm sticking to it!

:bgrin:

[Evolved Wookie]

But vampires are famously incapable of crossing running water!

Perhaps he was some sort of zombie/vampire hybrid? Zompire of Vambie, you choose.

[Lothian]

It is true.

Jesus dyed to save *********.

[SezMe]

There's just something so holy-looking about a handsome young man with wavy blond hair, blue eyes and a bathrobe.
That's not a bathrobe, silly. That's one of those special Mormon garment thingies. Your ignorance aboundeth.

[amb]

He also had rubber underwear in case he made daddy angry and shot a bolt of lightning down at the poor sod.
In Catholicism, the Madonna is also a blonde haired blue eyed caucasian.

[plumjam]

Yeah, funny how he's never described physically. Could that because none of the bible's writers ever actually saw him???

I'm not much of a Bible reader, but are there any characters at all in it who are described much in a physical sense? I assume there are, but I can't remember any (apart from Goliath, whose physicality was integral to that account).
Shouldn't be any great surprise that in religious texts the words and actions of people take precedent over appearance.
Nor am I aware of physical descriptions of the Buddha, Guru Nanak, Chaitanya, Zoroaster, Mohammed, Rumi, Lao-Tse.. and many others, though I'm probably just ignorant of what there is.
Just out of interest, Sri Ramakrishna had a vision of Jesus and he reported him as having rather a flat nose.. and IIRC said he was kind of short and stocky.

[lionking]

It is true.

Jesus dyed to save *********.

I just had to nominate this, even though most won't get the context.

[Agatha]

Buy this, and really screw up your children's idea of Jesus:

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y74/rosysparkle/339.jpg

[quarky]

That's rich. The kids appear to be looking at it.

[Frinkiak7]

This is my favourite depiction of jesus:

http://i448.photobucket.com/albums/qq207/criticalsock/Jesus.jpg

I like the hockey one better.

"Slap shot from from Satan! Jesus saves!"

[fuelair]

This is my favourite depiction of jesus:

http://i448.photobucket.com/albums/qq207/criticalsock/Jesus.jpg
Jesus helps the kids cheat? I knew Caspar the friendly ghost did, but the holy ghost too!!???:jaw-dropp:jaw-dropp:jaw-dropp

[ejk]

Buy this, and really screw up your children's idea of Jesus:

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y74/rosysparkle/339.jpg

Where can I get one?!!

[tsig]

It is true.

Jesus dyed to save *********.

He's soft tissue paper?

[The Norseman]

Buy this, and really screw up your children's idea of Jesus:



Brings whole new meaning to, "I am the light!"

[JimBenArm]

Buy this, and really screw up your children's idea of Jesus:

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y74/rosysparkle/339.jpg
Jesus turns us on!

[Frinkiak7]

For more sportsy-fun good times with the big J, try here:

http://www.catholicshopper.com/products/inspirational_sport_statues2.html

[jasonpatterson]

The Wiki article doesn't have any pictures of a truly blond Jesus, though that was popular for a time. I can't find the painting now, but I recall from an art history course that Jesus was depicted for a time as essentially Scandinavian in appearance. In my hometown there is a church that had a giant hamburger helper hand nailed to a cross to symbolize Jesus. That is my favorite version, a cartoonish white glove...

[ugot2bekidding]

Based on the culture and ethnic group he was supposedly a part of, a historical Jesus would have likely looked something like this.

http://www.popularmechanics.com/science/research/1282186.html

Thanks for the link. I love these comments...(bolding mine)

127. RE: Real Face Of Jesus: December 2002 Cover Story
You are entitled to your scientific "discoveries" but the Son of God/Man was a pleasant looking, attractive man with a halo around him most of the time. Could you attempt to reproduce his features when he was transfigured on Mount Thabor or indeed anytime he was in intense prayer? Or maybe you first need to know what is meant by the term transfiguration because normal people, being vile sinners do not get transfigured... Please publish for the sake of a democratic debate

126. RE: Real Face Of Jesus: December 2002 Cover Story
Personally i find this picture offensive.

[Belz...]

It's all a cover up for the fact that he was a green-skinned, pink haired, quadropedal xenomorph from Pluto. The blond thing was a wig.

I thought he was the progenitor of our reptilian overlords ?

Damn. I think I've got my conspiracy theories mixed up.

[SphereGuy]

http://www.jesusoftheweek.com/ has all the jesus's you can shake a stick at. (I've submitted 3!!)

[TX50]

Roman artists appear to have recycled the templates they used for their
depictions of pagan gods and heroes. The very earliest Roman depictions of
Jesus date from the early 3rd Century and have him looking like a Dionysus or
Aeneas (ie. clean shaven with wavy brown hair). Obviously his appearance is
dictated by the culture in which the art is created. The "ancient hippy" look
with beard and long straight hair (a la Robert Powell in Franco Zefirelli's
film, and in a billion cheesy souvenirs) is pervasive but the most convincing
representation I've ever seen was in some Discovery channel schlock that
had recruited an average-looking Israeli actor to play him.

ETA: Actually the earliest known depiction has him with a donkey's head. A
contemporary Roman taunt was that the Jews worshipped a donkey. Christians
were just another sect of the Jews as far as most Romans were concerned.

[Madalch]

I don't think I've ever seen a blonde Jesus. They've all had brown hair.

[Cavemonster]

All the earliest images are pretty direct knockoffs of Apollo imagery. A young, beardless man with a dome of curly hair.

The bearded, older Jesus, with that long nose-bridge and those European features seems to have started in the 6th century.

[Marquis de Carabas]

Yeah, funny how he's never described physically.
He is described physically.


1:13 And in the midst of the seven candlesticks one like unto the Son of man, clothed with a garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps* with a golden girdle.
1:14 His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire;
1:15 And his feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace; and his voice as the sound of many waters.
1:16 And he had in his right hand seven stars: and out of his mouth went a sharp twoedged sword: and his countenance was as the sun shineth in his strength.

*paps is tits, by the way

This is your Savior...

[aggle-rithm]

Yeah, funny how he's never described physically. Could that because none of the bible's writers ever actually saw him???


No, it's because everyone in that part of the world looked alike.

Ask any ancient Roman.

[Pardalis]

He's not blond, he's chestnut.

[Aquila]

Jesus is Jewish.

[Lucian]

Jesus turns us on!

Little children turn Jesus on.

[linusrichard]

In Catholicism, the Madonna is also a blonde haired blue eyed caucasian.

Maybe in European Catholicism. I have a "Madonna and Child" from Japan - guess who has straight black hair, a kimono, and what appears to be the ol' epicanthic fold?

[JimBenArm]

Little children turn Jesus on.
Jesus loves the little children. All the little children of the world.

[TimCallahan]

Ron Cobb did an excellent cartoon on what Jesus looked like, based on the T.V. quiz show "To Tell the Truth." In that show three contestants would all claim to be a certain person. A celebrity panel of four would guess who was the real whoever. In the cartoon, three Jesuses, each lebeled, are sitting behind their vote tallies. The three are: Protestant (3 votes), Catholic (1 vote) and historical (no votes). The Protestant Jesus is your well-heeled Anglo-Saxon type. The Catholic Jesus is emaciated, with blood dripping down his face from a crown of thorns. The Historic Jesus was just this funky guy. The caption of the cartoon was the off-stage moderator's voice saying, "And now, will the real Jesus Christ please ascend."

Many of the early depictions of Jesus, dating from as late as the fourth century - Roman mosaics and reliefs, etc. - depict him as beardless.

As to physical descriptions of Old Testement characters, other than the size of Goliath and the fact that Samson didn't cut his hair, we are told that Saul was taller than everyone else (1 Sam. 11:23) and that the youthful David was "ruddy, and had beauthiful eyes and was handsome" (1 Sam. 16:12). His son Absolom was praised for his beauty, was without blemish and had long, thick hair (2 Sam. 14:25, 26). Adonijah, another of David's sons, was also described as "very handsome" (1 Kgs. 1:6). It is noteworthy that all of these descriptions were probably from a single document, the Court History, which comprises significant portions of 1 Samuel, all of 2 Samuel and the first two chapters of 1 Kings.

Other than that, there is the implication that Adam, like David, was ruddy, in that his name may be a variation of the word for "red" (admoni or edom) and may mean "to show blood in the face" (i.e. ruddy).

We also know from a bizarre story in 2 Kings - in which the prophet Elisha curses some little boys for making fun of him, with the result that two she-bears maul 42 of them (2 Kgs. 2:23, 24) - that Elisha was bald. What the bratty little boys said to him was, "Go up, you baldhead!" The words "Go up" might be better rendered "Go away." Since abundance of hair was associated with good health and, by implication, sexual prowess (Absolam, after he drives David out of Jerusalem, publicly copulates with David's 10 concubines), baldness was associated with impotence. Thus the boys were essentially saying to Elisha, "Go away, limp-d**k!"

[Madalch]

I seem to recall a webcomic that featured both a drunk and bitter Jesus and a white supremacist Jesus. If you're going to search for it, be warned that it was nowhere near work-safe. Quite the opposite.

[TX50]

Jesus is Jewish.

Yes, that's pretty much like the Israeli actor I mentioned. A look at some
of the imperial Roman period mummy portraits from Egypt might give a
reasonably good indication of his type too (except a bit scruffier and
not quite so well dressed).

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v692/whisky01/th_365px-RC3B6misch-C384gyptischer_Mei.jpg (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v692/whisky01/365px-RC3B6misch-C384gyptischer_Mei.jpg)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v692/whisky01/th_466px-Fayum-01.jpg (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v692/whisky01/466px-Fayum-01.jpg)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v692/whisky01/th_uc19610.jpg (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v692/whisky01/uc19610.jpg)
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v692/whisky01/th_uc33971.jpg (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v692/whisky01/uc33971.jpg)

[quarky]

All the earliest images are pretty direct knockoffs of Apollo imagery. A young, beardless man with a dome of curly hair.

The bearded, older Jesus, with that long nose-bridge and those European features seems to have started in the 6th century.

It feels safe to assume he was a babe of a dude. We don't long honor the ugly.
It wouldn't be surprising if Jesus can change his look to most impress any locals.

Santa's look has evolved over the years, thanks largely to an old Coca Cola add, when we accepted his obesity and began leaving him fattening treats by the millions.

Jesus looks perfect, however you define it. Better than Elvis.

[The Atheist]

It is true.

Jesus dyed to save *********.

Classic!

That's not a bathrobe, silly. That's one of those special Mormon garment thingies. Your ignorance aboundeth.

Jesus was a mormon?

He also had rubber underwear in case he made daddy angry and shot a bolt of lightning down at the poor sod.
In Catholicism, the Madonna is also a blonde haired blue eyed caucasian.

Yeah, I love the blonde Madonna. She's always depicted with as a slim, beautiful Caucasian sheila.

I guess the idea of bowing down to a swarthy Kike chick just doesn't turn them on.

I'm not much of a Bible reader, but are there any characters at all in it who are described much in a physical sense?

Could that because none of the bible's writers ever actually saw him them???

Buy this, and really screw up your children's idea of Jesus:

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y74/rosysparkle/339.jpg

Roman Catholic, I presume?

I don't think I've ever seen a blonde Jesus. They've all had brown hair.

Check out my bloke. Sure, it's light brown, but in a sea of ragheads, he'd look pretty blond.

No, it's because everyone in that part of the world looked alike.

Ask any ancient Roman.

Kind of like a police description of an offender in China:

Straight black hair, 5'8", 73 kg, glasses, clean shaven...

[Piscivore]

I don't think I've ever seen a blonde Jesus. They've all had brown hair.

I've got a children's bible I was gifted by my grandmother in the 1970s that depicts him so.

ETA: This is the one (http://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-media/product-gallery/0307165205/ref=cm_ciu_pdp_images_0?ie=UTF8&index=0).

[quarky]

The virgin Mary was obviously hot. To depict her as otherwise is to disgrace God's taste.

The Atheist is extremely sac-religious.

Keep in mind that, post birth, Mary was nursing the lord. Her breasts were full. There is no shame in knowing this.

[TX50]

I guess the idea of bowing down to a swarthy Kike chick just doesn't turn them on.



But those Israeli babes are hot! Especially when in olive drab and toting
an UZI.

[TX50]

I've got a children's bible I was gifted by my grandmother in the 1970s that depicts him so.



"The Golden Children"!? Is that some kinda Scientology thing?

[Agatha]

Roman Catholic, I presume?

Me, no. I've seen it before linked somewhere, and it really was once seen never forgotten.

[Madalch]

I've got a children's bible I was gifted by my grandmother in the 1970s that depicts him so.

ETA: This is the one (http://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-media/product-gallery/0307165205/ref=cm_ciu_pdp_images_0?ie=UTF8&index=0).

I checked your picture, and that looks like brown hair to me. It's not black (the colour you would expect in the Middle East), but it's not what I would consider blond, either. Same with TA's bloke. That's brown hair.

This is a blond Jesus:
http://www.racheshop.de/product_images/images/big/J6251_b-os.jpg

There's a more serious one here: http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/1emnUNV9YX7btJo53Cnh5w

[TX50]

There's a more serious one here: http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/1emnUNV9YX7btJo53Cnh5w

He apparently works out regularly too! Is there a provenance for that painting of the "nordic" jesus?

Are there any black Jesuses?

[Madalch]

He apparently works out regularly too! Is there a provenance for that painting of the "nordic" jesus?

Are there any black Jesuses?

I don't know the source of that Nordic jesus. But a couple of black ones came up when I did a GoogleImage search for the blond ones.

[The Atheist]

Keep in mind that, post birth, Mary was nursing the lord. Her breasts were full. There is no shame in knowing this.

Don't say that - Magnifico2.0 will come in and get horny.

But those Israeli babes are hot! Especially when in olive drab and toting
an UZI.

Well, in terms of the above post, she had oozies.

There's a more serious one here: http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/1emnUNV9YX7btJo53Cnh5w

Hey, that one's a bleached Rasta!

I don't know the source of that Nordic jesus. But a couple of black ones came up when I did a GoogleImage search for the blond ones.

There's a Maori one in Rotorua (http://www.immortality.co.nz/news%20network/missing.html).

[PrincessIneffabelle]

Nah, you guys are all wrong! Jesus was not blond. He was pink!
http://forums.randi.org/imagehosting/thum_1483746277e3427d97.jpg (http://forums.randi.org/vbimghost.php?do=displayimg&imgid=5240)

[TX50]

[URL="http://forums.randi.org/vbimghost.php?do=displayimg&imgid=5240"]http://forums.randi.org/imagehosting/thum_1483746277e3427d97.jpg[URL]

Christianos ad leonem (sort of...)

[Hokulele]

I'm not much of a Bible reader, but are there any characters at all in it who are described much in a physical sense? I assume there are, but I can't remember any (apart from Goliath, whose physicality was integral to that account).


Song of Solomon.


ETA: I can't believe no one else took a swing at that softball.

[triadboy]

Those depictions are from the middle ages.

The Gospel writers (and Paul) never met Jesus. (They didn't even live in the same country.) They would never attempt to describe him. But apparently there was no reason for them to think Jesus looked unusual. Their lack of description describes an average man from that area (Nazereth) - from that time (30 AD). He probably looked a lot like a swarthy Danny Devito.

[MIKILLINI]

For more sportsy-fun good times with the big J, try here:

http://www.catholicshopper.com/products/inspirational_sport_statues2.html

Before writing, I had to take a moment and wait until my laughter subsided from viewing those pictures.
Jesus using ice skates is an ironic one. :D

[triadboy]

http://www.jesusoftheweek.com/jesii/506/index.html

I love this site. Click on the 'select a Jesus'.

[MIKILLINI]

I'm not much of a Bible reader, but are there any characters at all in it who are described much in a physical sense? I assume there are, but I can't remember any (apart from Goliath, whose physicality was integral to that account).
Shouldn't be any great surprise that in religious texts the words and actions of people take precedent over appearance.
Nor am I aware of physical descriptions of the Buddha, Guru Nanak, Chaitanya, Zoroaster, Mohammed, Rumi, Lao-Tse.. and many others, though I'm probably just ignorant of what there is.
Just out of interest, Sri Ramakrishna had a vision of Jesus and he reported him as having rather a flat nose.. and IIRC said he was kind of short and stocky.

It's true Plumjam, you really aren't much of a bible reader:).

Check out Song of Solomon to get some real physical description.;)

ETA: Hokulele beat Me to it.

[MIKILLINI]

http://www.jesusoftheweek.com/ has all the jesus's you can shake a stick at. (I've submitted 3!!)

Give Me a break..:D

[Darth Rotor]

ETA: Hokulele beat Me to it.
Since she lost her Kama Sutra, she had to resort to Song of Solomon for inspiration.

As such, it ain't bad. :cool:

DR

[Hokulele]

Lost, wore out, same difference.

[Piscivore]

Song of Solomon.

I'm sorry, that's less physical description and more of a social studies lesson combined with a retail inventory.

[Hokulele]

And a menu!

[amb]

Those depictions are from the middle ages.

The Gospel writers (and Paul) never met Jesus. (They didn't even live in the same country.) They would never attempt to describe him. But apparently there was no reason for them to think Jesus looked unusual. Their lack of description describes an average man from that area (Nazereth) - from that time (30 AD). He probably looked a lot like a swarthy Danny Devito.

No, no, no. He looked very much like Rock Hudson! But with a beard. :p
There's rumours that he was that way inclined sexually as well.

[linusrichard]

No, no, no. He looked very much like Rock Hudson! But with a beard. :p

But Rock Hudson did have a beard (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phyllis_Gates).

[fuelair]

Jesus turns us on!
Actually, I think it looks like "We turn Jesus on!"

[quarky]

Those depictions are from the middle ages.

The Gospel writers (and Paul) never met Jesus. (They didn't even live in the same country.) They would never attempt to describe him. But apparently there was no reason for them to think Jesus looked unusual. Their lack of description describes an average man from that area (Nazereth) - from that time (30 AD). He probably looked a lot like a swarthy Danny Devito.

A swarthy Danny DeVito?

I wish there was some sort of blasphemy meter icon here. That tops it.

[shawmutt]

Yes, that's pretty much like the Israeli actor I mentioned. A look at some
of the imperial Roman period mummy portraits from Egypt might give a
reasonably good indication of his type too (except a bit scruffier and
not quite so well dressed).



But those are all terrorists...

Anyway--some skeptical Jesus moments--When I went to a black church and the Jesus there was black. When I watched Planet of the Apes (the original, not the remade garbage) and Jesus was an ape.

My favorite Jesus:

fyYCxz_Ao5g

[EventHorizon]

I like the hockey one better.

"Slap shot from from Satan! Jesus saves!"

I always thought it was, "Jesus saves, Esposito scores on the rebound."

[shawmutt]

http://home.comcast.net/~shawmutt/JS.jpg

Favorite t-shirt...

[quarky]

The most offensive Jesus t-shirt I've seen is hard to describe with the censors. I'll try:

The words across the front say "Jesus ***** Christ"
One Jesus is bent over; another one is behind him, standing straight, with a halo, and ramming Jesus #1 pretty hard.

When I saw it, I had to meet the bloke wearing it, for sociology homework, and then had to say several "Hail Mary's"

(I hope this counts as confession)

[amb]

I tell you. Jesus was gay. How else do you explain the nude young man who fled as Jeebus was getting arerested? :p

[Coolhat]

Here´s some motivational Jesus for ya:

http://jesus-withyoualways.com/

My favorite:

http://jesus-withyoualways.com/ImagesJun06/bodybuilder.jpg

This one is just plain creepy:

http://jesus-withyoualways.com/ImagesJun06/clown.jpg

[fuelair]

So Jeebus is offering the kid to a clown. " For what fowl pupose??" he wonders.

[The Atheist]

I tell you. Jesus was gay. How else do you explain the nude young man who fled as Jeebus was getting arerested? :p

I keep telling christians Jesus was clearly gay:

Luke 17:34 in the KJV tells you why.

Here´s some motivational Jesus for ya:

My favorite:

Jesus loves steroids?

Pity they don't have one of him standing by some couple's bed as they copulate. Jesus has come!

[richman2112]

Well, I have the unfortunate task of having to work in one of the largest suuuthern baptist places on earth because in my line of work there aren't many options to get the hours I have. If you walk around the 3 building complex that takes up 11 acres of prime downtown real estate you will see many pictures of biblical scenes. In all of them the heroes are white and the rest are "jewish" . Moses is creamy white and his followers are dark and curly haired. The evil pharisees are all dark, and on an odd note the whites jesus is holding a white child while the dark parents look on smiling (figure that out!).

By the way that light switch jesus pic about made me cough up corn flakes. LOL

[quarky]

I wonder if its cool to reject Jesus because of one's anti-semetism?
Like, i was totally into his crackerness, until I found out he was a freaking Jew!

So I switched to Islam, and became a terrorist?

That would be more Christian than worshipping a Jew?

(Religion confuses me, though I like to be polite, mostly.)

[The Atheist]

I wonder if its cool to reject Jesus because of one's anti-semetism?

Nope.

Anti-semites just claim Jesus wasn't a Jew.

Check out Stormfront for verification if you have protective clothing handy.