Most irritating Zen anecdote

[sackett]

What's the most irritating Zen anecdote you know? R. H. Blythe is packed with examples, but most of them are pretty flat, more boring than exasperating.

Okay, I'll start:

Two monks were arguing about a flag on a windy day.
"Flag is moving!" cried one monk.
"No, wind is moving!" cried the other
A passing sage smiled and said, "Not flag, not wind. MIND is moving." The monks experienced immediate enlightenment, and the site of the flagpole became a place of pilgrimage.
Several hundred years later, an old nun visiting the site was told about the above incident. She spat and said, "That sage was a fool! Not flag, not wind, not mind! IT is moving!"

[Suezoled]

There was once a foreing Queen who wasn't used to the heat of her kingdom she married into. To keep cool, and embraced a metal column in the throne room. Within a year, she gave birth. It was a giant ball of metal. The queen wailed that all she had done was embrace the column to keep cool. The king had the ball made into a couldron. It was used for divination. The couldron prophecied that a man who had eyerbows 9 inches apart would slay him. The king, in a fright, ordered all children with broad eyebrows to be slain. One child was missed; he was in a far part of the kingdom and Broad of Brow. He heard about the king's tyranny, and, when he grew up, sought revenge. The king looked up one day to see a man with eyebrows set nine inches apart approaching him! The king's head was chopped off and fell into the couldron. The royal guard threw his spear and Broad of Brow lost his head. It also fell into the couldron with the King's head. Desperate to seperate the traitor's head from the king's the King's Main Guard ran to the couldron... and his head fell off too (just because, okay?). When the couldron cooled enough for the people to remove the skulls, no one could tell whose was the king's, whose was Broad of Brow's, and whose was the guard's.

moral of the story: mixing with the common man makes you indistinguishable from any other.

Yup. That's the whole story and the moral.

[epepke]

Originally posted by Suezoled moral of the story: mixing with the common man makes you indistinguishable from any other.

Yup. That's the whole story and the moral. [/B]

Are you sure it isn't "Buddhists don't keep dental records, but they have some kinky sex"?

[triadboy]

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

[T'ai Chi]

Originally posted by triadboy
What is the sound of one hand clapping?

I never understood that one, because one can easily clap with one hand by bending the fingers down to strike the palm.

[Suezoled]

Originally posted by triadboy
What is the sound of one hand clapping?

woosh

[Ladewig]

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

If you stand close enough for me to reach your cheek, I will help you achieve enlightenment.

[Skeptical Greg]

Originally posted by T'ai Chi


I never understood that one, because one can easily clap with one hand by bending the fingers down to strike the palm.


Uh, that's called ' snapping your fingers '...


Now you know...

[sackett]

Three enlightenment-seeking monks from a monastery were hiking up the Yellow Mountain in China, when they discovered an extraordinarily beautiful cottage. They were invited inside by the keeper of the door. Once inside, they were warmly greeted by a True Master, who asked them to join him for dinner. They accepted, sitting down to a hearty, wonderful dinner with plum wine - after which they and the True Master all fell into a deep, restful slumber. While they were sleeping, mischievous servants painted the word "idiot" on the travelers' foreheads - in such a way that it would be impossible for any monk to know, without looking in a mirror, that anything was written on his own forehead. When they woke up and saw what was written on the foreheads of their companions, they simultaneously broke into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. The True Master did not laugh at all. Very quickly, the senior monk, who was also the closest to enlightenment, realized that his own forehead was also embellished with the "idiot" word - and he stopped laughing instantly.

[epepke]

Originally posted by T'ai Chi


I never understood that one, because one can easily clap with one hand by bending the fingers down to strike the palm.

There's a great Simpsons episode about that one.

Lisa: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Bart: That's easy! pap pap pap pap pap
Lisa: Noooo, Bart! It's a thousand-year-old-riddle to empty the mind! It has no answer!
Bart: Yo, Lisa. Listen up! pap pap pap pap pap

Actually, neither on The Simpsons nor in California does one learn that the real purpose of koans is that, if you don't answer fast enough, the Master gets to hit you upside the head with a rattan stick.

The answer to this koan is "a butterfly," which I think is annoying enough to include here.

[LW]

Originally posted by Diogenes

Uh, that's called ' snapping your fingers '...
Now you know...

Yes, now I know. Before I thought that 'snapping your fingers' means that I make noise by, well, snapping two or three fingers together, not by clapping my palm with four fingers.

[Nyarlathotep]

I have long thought that I ought to become some sort of Zen Master, that way when I get old and senile and begin telling rambling stories that go nowhere or begin having to ask things like "Which door did I come in?", the people around me will think "What an incredibly wise old man!" rather than "Geez, what a senile old geezer!"

[Skeptical Greg]

I meant like this.




O.K., Now I get it..


Two enlightenment-seeking monks from a monastery (Monks from a monastery ? WTF? ) were putting shingles on a house..
One monk noticed that the other monk kept throwing nails away.
He asked the other monk what was going on, and the monk replied that the nails in question, had the head on the wrong end.

' You idiot! ', said the other, other monk, ' Those are for the other side ..'



Next...

[Hexxenhammer]

Originally posted by epepke


There's a great Simpsons episode about that one.

Lisa: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Bart: That's easy! pap pap pap pap pap
Lisa: Noooo, Bart! It's a thousand-year-old-riddle to empty the mind! It has no answer!
Bart: Yo, Lisa. Listen up! pap pap pap pap pap
Beat me to it. But Bart does empty his mind with the old "If a tree falls in the woods, and no is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"

I prefer Jack Handy's "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might. If they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

[Dorian Gray]

Take two birds. Tie them together. They have four wings, yet they cannot fly.

[Nyarlathotep]

Originally posted by Dorian Gray
Take two birds. Tie them together. They have four wings, yet they cannot fly.

Take two birds, puree them in a blender, add crushed ice, serves four.

[T'ai Chi]

Originally posted by Diogenes

Uh, that's called ' snapping your fingers '...

Now you know...

No.. not snapping, but hitting your palm with the fingers on that same hand.

Kind of like grasping at straws which you are already familiar with. ;)

[Skeptical Greg]

Originally posted by Dorian Gray
Take two birds. Tie them together. They have four wings, yet they cannot fly.

Then there's

Take two Zen philosophers. Tie them together. They have two brains, yet they still can't think..



( substitute your favorite mindless person for " two Zen philosophers " as needed... )

[Dancing David]

From the Illuminatus:

'A young student comes to a master and asks to be taught as his last master was harsh and unkind. "What did your master do?" asks the new master, he hit me when I asked a question says the seeker." What was the question?" asks the master. "What is the buddha nature?" says the student, the master whacks the seeker upside the head and says "Return to your master and thank them for thier grandmotherly kindness!".

A zen master is on a horse galloping through a town, Where are you going master?" asks a bystander, "Ask the horse!" says the master.

The buddha is a poop-stick.

[Nyarlathotep]

Originally posted by Diogenes


Then there's

Take two Zen philosophers. Tie them together. They have two brains, yet they still can't think..



( substitute your favorite mindless person for " two Zen philosophers " as needed... )

Take Iacchus and Lifegazer, tie them together....

HOLY COW! It works!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[epepke]

Originally posted by Hexxenhammer

Beat me to it. But Bart does empty his mind with the old "If a tree falls in the woods, and no is there to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Heh. Yeah. As I remember, he gets all google-eyed and says, "Wow!"

I prefer Jack Handy's "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might. If they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

Jack Handy is very Zen.

When I was in High School, a friend of mine was fascinated by the Kwakiutl Indians. They practice a kind of aggressive cannibalism. When one clan meets another, some members cry, "Hap! Hap!" which means "Eat! Eat!" and then try to take a bite out of the thighs of a member of the other clan.

This is all completely true, by the way. I kid you not.

But it does lead to the question: what is the sound of one clan happing?

[sackett]

Once there were two monasteries on opposite sides of a mountain: North Monastery and South Monastery. In each monastery there was a boy acolyte. Each boy had the duty of buying vegetables in the local village market. Paths led down the mountain from each monastery, and joined at the road to the village.

One day, the boy from South Monastery met the boy from North Monastery where the two paths joined the road. "Where are you going?" asked the boy from South Monastery. In the circumstances, this was a Zen question - a Zen challenge, in fact.

The boy from North Monastery answered cheerfully, "I'm going wherever my feet take me."

The boy from South Monastery had no answer; he had lost the encounter. When he got back to the monastery, he told the head monk what had happened. "Next time," counseled the head monk, "ask him where he's going and when he answers, ask him where he'd be going if he had no feet." "I will," replied the boy.

Next day, the two boys met again where the paths joined the road. "Where are you going," challenged the boy from South Monastery.

The boy from North Monastery replied cheerfully, "I'm going wherever the wind blows me." The boy from South Monastery again had no answer.

When he got back, he told the head monk what had happened. "Next time," said the head monk, "ask him where he's going and when he answers, ask him where he'd be going if there was no wind." "Check, got it," said the boy.

The third day came. The two boys met where the paths from their monasteries joined the road. "Where are you going?" asked the boy from South Monastery.

The boy from North Monastery replied, "I'm going to the market to buy vegetables."

[Dorian Gray]

From the lame to the sublime
http://www.rider.edu/~suler/zenstory/zenstory.html
A martial arts student approached his teacher with a question. "I'd like to improve my knowledge of the martial arts. In addition to learning from you, I'd like to study with another teacher in order to learn another style. What do you think of this idea?"
"The hunter who chases two rabbits," answered the master, "catches neither one." Gosh!
Roshi Kapleau agreed to educate a group of psychoanalysts about Zen. After being introduced to the group by the director of the analytic institute, the Roshi quietly sat down upon a cushion placed on the floor. A student entered, prostrated before the master, and then seated himself on another cushion a few feet away, facing his teacher. "What is Zen?" the student asked. The Roshi produced a banana, peeled it, and started eating. "Is that all? Can't you show me anything else?" the student said. "Come closer, please," the master replied. The student moved in and the Roshi waved the remaining portion of the banana before the student's face. The student prostrated, and left.
A second student rose to address the audience. "Do you all understand?" When there was no response, the student added, "You have just witnessed a first-rate demonstration of Zen. Are there any questions?"

After a long silence, someone spoke up. "Roshi, I am not satisfied with your demonstration. You have shown us something that I am not sure I understand. It must be possible to TELL us what Zen is."

"If you must insist on words," the Roshi replied, "then Zen is an elephant copulating with a flea." Whatevah.
A university professor went to visit a famous Zen master. While the master quietly served tea, the professor talked about Zen. The master poured the visitor's cup to the brim, and then kept pouring. The professor watched the overflowing cup until he could no longer restrain himself. "It's overfull! No more will go in!" the professor blurted. "You are like this cup," the master replied, "How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup." Pretty good!
A Tibetan story tells of a meditation student who, while meditating in his room, believed he saw a spider descending in front of him. Each day the menacing creature returned, growing larger and larger each time. So frightened was the student, that he went to his teacher to report his dilemma. He said he planned to place a knife in his lap during meditation, so when the spider appeared he would kill it. The teacher advised him against this plan. Instead, he suggested, bring a piece of chalk to meditation, and when the spider appeared, mark an "X" on its belly. Then report back.
The student returned to his meditation. When the spider again appeared, he resisted the urge to attack it, and instead did just what the master suggested. When he later reported back to the master, the teacher told him to lift up his shirt and look at his own belly. There was the "X". Twilight Zone
One more: Whenever anyone asked him about Zen, the great master Gutei would quietly raise one finger into the air. A boy in the village began to imitate this behavior. Whenever he heard people talking about Gutei's teachings, he would interrupt the discussion and raise his finger. Gutei heard about the boy's mischief. When he saw him in the street, he seized him and cut off his finger. The boy cried and began to run off, but Gutei called out to him. When the boy turned to look, Gutei raised his finger into the air. At that moment the boy became enlightened. WTF?

There's a few dozen more at the link. Some real puzzlers in there too.

[sackett]

Once there was a Zen master who would talk on any sort of subject. He was free with his advice and opinions about many things, but he never talked about Zen. Finally, someone asked him why, since he talked so much about other things, he never talked about Zen. He replied, "Because it turns my stomach."

[Salvius]

I'm not sure this counts as irritating, but one of my two favorite expressions of zen is from the movie "Caddyshack": "A flute with no holes is not a flute. A donut with no hole is a danish."

My other (rather longer) favorite is the story of the cucumber sage:
http://www.serve.com/cmtan/buddhism/Stories/cucumber.html

[twillis]

I dunno, I think there's deep wisdom in this koan:

http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=3E2A7859.4C9CD486%40yahooX.com&oe=UTF-8&output=gplain

[sackett]

Just a couple of JREF posters.

[twillis]

Hmmm.

Well, how about these, then:

http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=MPG.133d67054537bc9198971d%40news.line one.net&oe=UTF-8&output=gplain

[Checkmite]

Originally posted by twillis
Hmmm.

Well, how about these, then:

http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=MPG.133d67054537bc9198971d%40news.line one.net&oe=UTF-8&output=gplain

Master Kibo-Tse sat on his favorite chair in the Palace of Bok
Choi, and meditated on being/not being. Suddenly, a robed
student burst into the room and genuflected before him.

"Master Kibo-Tse," shouted the student, "I believe I know what
you are meditating about."

Kibo-Tse smiled, as this challenge had come before, from other
students. "Enlighten me, then, student," he said. The student
rose, and said "You are meditating about being/not being."

Kibo-Tse was shocked. No one had ever passed the challenge
before. "H... how did you know?" he stuttered.

The student pulled back the hood of his robe. Kibo-Tse gasped:
it was Kibo-Tse! Kibo-Tse fell back in horror as Kibo-Tse pulled
a machine gun out from the under the folds in his robe and
started shooting while laughing maniacally.

Kibo-Tse woke up with a start, sitting on his favorite chair in
the Palace of Bok Choi. "Man, what a whacked-out dream!" he
thought to himself; but just to make sure, he had all of his
students killed.

http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/otn/laughing/laugh2.gif

[sackett]

Originally posted by twillis
Hmmm.

Well, how about these, then:

http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=MPG.133d67054537bc9198971d%40news.line one.net&oe=UTF-8&output=gplain

They're all right, but they're not irritating.

Well....I could be wrong about that.