Anthony DeStefano: In Heaven, you'll be thinner, younger, and smarter.

[Ladewig]

From a Slate article (http://slate.msn.com/id/2095002/).


Belief, it can easily seem, is just the quarter you put into the divine slot machine in order to win the jackpot of the afterlife. And certainly the greed for heaven is still alive and well. That much is clear from A Travel Guide to Heaven, a new Christian inspirational book. The author, Anthony DeStefano, takes his travel-guide conceit literally, declaring that paradise is "Disney World, Hawaii, Paris, Rome and New York all rolled up into one"—the "ultimate playground, created purely for our enjoyment." The disingenuousness of DeStefano's fantasy has to be read to be believed: He looks forward to a heaven where you are your earthly self, but thinner, younger, and prettier, and where you will do nothing but race from one game, hobby, or exotic sight to the next, "having fun" for eternity. No detail is too small for DeStefano's cruise-director God to take care of: "You shouldn't be shocked," he writes, if on Judgment Day "you feel a paw anxiously poking at your leg"—yes, Rover will be there, too.

So, every pet I ever owned will be poking at my leg? Yikes. The whole concept of being similar to one's earthly self and interacting with others who have passed is so bizarre.

[espritch]

Well, you have to admit that given our current societal emphasis on thiness and youth, those things would be a big selling point for heaven. Of course, I tend to see this as a profound lack of imagination on the part of Mr. DeStefano. You'd think heaven would be a little bit more than a glorified Carnival Cruise.

[El Greco]

Sure enough, this crap has 4 stars in Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/038550988X/qid=1077379762/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/102-0902300-0767322?v=glance&s=books). One reviewer says that "this author doesn't claim to have actually been to Heaven, but instead uses solid research to back up his vision of life after death". I couldn't read all the reviews as my blood pressure skyrocketed to 22.

Damn, when is the next bus to PlanetX ?

[El Greco]

Here's (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1579180043/ref=pd_sim_books_3/102-0902300-0767322?v=glance&s=books) a 5-star book from Amazon. If you feel strong today, try and read the reviews.

[Paul C. Anagnostopoulos]

Really, does it sound like that much fun? Fun for eternity sounds like hell.

~~ Paul

[Peter Jenkins]

If people are going to be smarter in heaven, does that mean that they are going to actually read and understand their religious holy books. In that case, I can imagine a lot of people asking God some very *awkward* questions about his/her/their various hypocrocies, cruelty and pettiness.


Originally posted by Paul C. Anagnostopoulos
Really, does it sound like that much fun? Fun for eternity sounds like hell.

~~ Paul
It sounds more fun than deflowering 72 virgins everyday for the rest of eternity :)
P

[rachaella]

This reminds me of an early 90s show, Dinosaurs. The grandmother Dinosaur has a near-death experience and goes to heaven, but gets sent back. She tells her story to various news media outlets and ends up getting her own inspirational show, "The Ethel Show", and has people calling and giving money to "reserve" their spot in heaven. The opening of the show was a choir of people dressed in traditional baptist choir attire singing, to the tune of "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"

Give Dough, to the Ethel show
Give enough to carry you home!
Give dough, to the Ethel show
Give enough to carry you hoo-oome

[Ladewig]

To be fair to Amazon, there are other, less positive reviews:

- ...McReligion...

- DeStefano's desire for a heaven based on the Pepsi Generation's focus-grouped notion of God and "fun" does not make it so. The immaturity of this book is staggering...

- I am agape at the number of people complimenting this author on his 'research'. How, exactly, do you go about researching something that no one (emphasis on the 'no one') alive has experienced, and that no one alive knows even the slightest thing about?

____________________

So, in Heaven you are thinner. For an anorexics, that place must be like... um... Heaven.

The claim of being thinner is so offensive. If someone is overweight and comfortable with his or her weight, then the church's message is God loves you just the way you are - but when you meet him, He's going to have you be a little thinner.

[Abdul Alhazred]

Originally posted by Ladewig
So, every pet I ever owned will be poking at my leg? Yikes. The whole concept of being similar to one's earthly self and interacting with others who have passed is so bizarre.

What? No 72 vigins?

72 is a good number for a baseball league with 8 teams. No wild cards in the playoffs you see.

The Inferno is the most popular travel guide of this type. I suppose because more people are going there. :p

[rachaella]

Originally posted by Abdul Alhazred


What? No 72 vigins?

72 is a good number for a baseball league with 8 teams. No wild cards in the playoffs you see.

The Inferno is the most popular travel guide of this type. I suppose because more people are going there. :p

In the spirit of McReligion, maybe Heaven should try to get up with the times and Supersize that order of virgins, 172 virgins!

[Yahweh]

He looks forward to a heaven where you are your earthly self, but thinner, younger, and prettier
I wonder how DeStefano determined that we will be our earthly selve's in the afterlife, or furthermore that being thinner, younger, and prettier are even desireable traits...

[neutrino_cannon]

But heaven is not just an embarrassment to human reason; sometimes it is just plain embarrassing, a wish-fulfillment fantasy that has more to do with appetite than faith.

So... freaking... close...

It's like pushing two magnets at the north poles together, you get closer, and closer, but the force repelling raises exponentially as you try to close the gap and acheive actual critical thinking ability.

And it snaps back into familiar patterns.


Disney World, Hawaii, Paris, Rome and New York all rolled up into one"—the "ultimate playground, created purely for our enjoyment.

What? No Vegas?

[Abdul Alhazred]

Which is better? Being skinny in heaven, or being fat but God's OK with that?

A toss up, I'd say.

I'm more interested in the question of gay or straight.

[bug_girl]

darn. i wanted to be *taller*.
i can accomplish most of the other with a good plastic surgeon.

[Ralph]

What about sex?? Is there still sex?

We'll be thinner & better looking. Will God also give the guys those few extra "inches" we always wanted???

That doesn't sound like too much to ask for......................

[Kevin_Lowe]

I want to know what kind of computer I'll get in heaven.

Will it be a sexy new Apple dual G5? Do they have Playstation 2, or do they have 3 already? What games do they have?

I'm sure high-speed broadband will be free, but how fast is it really? Can I download mp3s because there are no IP laws in heaven, or would that be sinful?

If they have free super fast internet and free super fast computers, I bet you could have some great Unreal Tournament games in heaven.

Can I access the JREF forums from heaven? I imagine I could read them, but I couldn't post any more because it would give the game away. Dang.

[hgc]

Originally posted by neutrino_cannon

...
What? No Vegas? My extensive research (ie., goat entrails) shows that heaven is just like Branson, Missouri.

[Abdul Alhazred]

Originally posted by rachaella


In the spirit of McReligion, maybe Heaven should try to get up with the times and Supersize that order of virgins, 172 virgins!

In Supersize heaven, we will all be fat without the ill effects. :p

[Abdul Alhazred]

Originally posted by Ralph
What about sex?? Is there still sex?

We'll be thinner & better looking. Will God also give the guys those few extra "inches" we always wanted???

Of course He will. Go to Muslim Heaven and you can have whatever you heart desires. The 72 virgins are just a for instance. Deal? :p

[Abdul Alhazred]

Originally posted by Yahweh

I wonder how DeStefano determined that we will be our earthly selve's in the afterlife, or furthermore that being thinner, younger, and prettier are even desireable traits...

And if you're already thin and young enough, you still get 72 virgins. Deal? :p

[Abdul Alhazred]

Originally posted by bug_girl
darn. i wanted to be *taller*.
i can accomplish most of the other with a good plastic surgeon.

In Muslim Heaven you get whatever your heart desires. Taller, shorter, virgins, camels, airplanes, skyscrapers, whatever. Deal? :p

[Abdul Alhazred]

Originally posted by hgc
My extensive research (ie., goat entrails) shows that heaven is just like Branson, Missouri.

Whatever your heart desires plus country music.

Much better than Hell.

[triadboy]

In Heaven, you are issued a harp. And then your genitalia is spackled smooth with a holy trowel. Enjoy.

[Abdul Alhazred]

Originally posted by triadboy
In Heaven, you are issued a harp. And then your genitalia is spackled smooth with a holy trowel. Enjoy.

Ouch! That puts a crimp on the 72 virgins deal.

But at least you have the perfect baseball league. If Muhammad had been into (American) football, it would have been 88 virgins.

In Hell you keep your genitalia, but you can't do anything about it. And you are issued an accordion.

You decide. :p

[subgenius]

How much fun can heaven be?
I heard that in heaven there is no beer that's why we drink it here.

[rachaella]

Originally posted by subgenius
How much fun can heaven be?
I heard that in heaven there is no beer that's why we drink it here.

Is there no caffeine either? I don't think that would be much of a heaven at all.

I'd rather go to "Heck", to quote the great Ellen Degeneres:

"Heck is just to the left of Hell, it's a suburb of Hell. Heck is a little bit nicer than Hell. For instance, Heck has Dairy Queens and you don't have to pay as much for car insurance. People in Hell wish they were in Heck."

Clearly Ellen is very prophetic and much solid research went into this insight.

[subgenius]

She makes me laugh.

[Ralph]

Originally posted by Abdul Alhazred


Of course He will. Go to Muslim Heaven and you can have whatever you heart desires. The 72 virgins are just a for instance. Deal? :p Yeah--but I'm not a Muslim.

What about christian heaven? I really can't see too much going on there other than "missionary position for procreation only".

They can't even take "care" of themselves without some huge guilt trip, never mind fool around with another person. Christ--they have a running 7 page thread over "staying pure" over there.

It's like Seinfelds "Master of your Domain" episode.

Also-I never could understand the fascination with virgins.

I'll take experience any day of the week.................

[c4ts]

I'd rather do all that stuff while I'm alive. I could always excercise more and learn more before I go on a cruise. Then it would be worthwhile, not some reward dumped on me for following the right set of stereo instructions.