Dear Lord, Give me an $18,000,000 jet!

[Zep]

Jesse Duplantis Ministries would like a few donations.God has given JDM a commission to, "Go ye into all the world, and preach the Gospel to every creature" (Mark 16:15). As these last days draw to a close, it's time to speed up the work and reach more nations with the Gospel. God will not be satisfied with a half-fulfilled assignment and neither should we.

In order to complete this assignment, God has told us to believe Him for a Citation X (10), an $18 million corporate jet with the speed and fuel capacity to fly anywhere in the world.

How will this come to pass? God has promised us that He will call upon 18,000 JDM Covenant Partners and Friends around the world to sow a seed of one thousand dollars towards this project.
http://www.jdm.org/projects/citationx.htm

[Some Friggin Guy]

I can't blame the guy for trying. I also can't blame the guy if he succedes. It just means he found 18000 suckers out there.

[Oleron]

I thought this was a wind-up at first but then I checked out their site.
This is just priceless, I thought these guys were getting smarter nowadays but it seems they don't need to bother. I have no doubt that in a very short space of time Jesse will be hauling his Armani suited carcass on board his new toy.

I have just read Randi's 'The Faith Healers', full of examples of the naked, slavering greed of these weasles. This just beats them all.

Now to clean up the coffee I've just spluttered all over my laptop....

[Zep]

And Dear Lord, that ain't all. Gimme a TV network too!Please take a moment to pray for our Television Ministry. In addition to the costly monthly television time and television production expenses, JDM will need at least 2 million dollars for new digital television equipment that is necessary to continue preaching the Gospel to the world. God has told us to pray for 2,000 people that will each sow a seed of $1,000 toward this digital television equipment. Each one of those 2,000 people will be a vital part of enabling JDM to reach people right where they are, with the life-saving Gospel of Jesus Christ!
http://www.jdm.org/tv/tvpurpose.htm

[Some Friggin Guy]

Let me know when he gets to praying for a theme-park.

[Zep]

Originally posted by Some Friggin Guy
Let me know when he gets to praying for a theme-park. I thought that was what his whole operation was...

Oh, I see your point. Like dear Kent Hovind with in Florida with Dinosaur Adventure Land! (http://www.dinosauradventureland.com/). Looks to be a real blast. Yep. :rolleyes:

[Tanja]

How about working for him? Among other opportunities:

Marketing Manager-
We are currently seeking an organized, born-again, experienced Marketing Manager to join our International Ministry Staff. This position will oversee marketing and communication projects involving television, print media, special events, and our website. Candidate will be responsible for keeping workflow schedules on target, and working closely with internal teams to ensure that goals and objectives are met with excellence. Additional responsibilities would include: purchasing television and radio spots for advertising of our meetings; compiling reports in MS excel for forecasting sales and product trends. If you are a dedicated worker, a creative thinker, flexible, and willing to serve as a team player, we would love to hear from you.

[Zep]

You mean help him rip off his faithful followers to the tune of US$20 million, and then help him fly away to anywhere in the world in his Cessna Citation jet?

Do I look like I want to be lynched??

[Some Friggin Guy]

Hopefully this isn't a violation of rules here.

Originally recorded by Genesis:

You see the face on the TV screen
coming at you every Sunday
see that face on the billboard
that man is me

On the cover of the magazine
there's no question why I'm smiling
you buy a piece of paradise
you buy a piece of me

I'll get you everything you wanted
I'll get you everything you need
don't need to believe in hereafter
just believe in me

Cos Jesus he knows me
and he knows I'm right
I've been talking to Jesus all my life
oh yes he knows me
and he knows I'm right
and he's been telling me
everything is alright

I believe in the family
with my ever loving wife beside me
but she don't know about my girlfriend
or the man I met last night

Do you believe in God
cos that's what I'm selling
and if you wanna get to heaven
I'll see you right

You won't even have to leave your house
or get outta your chair
you don't even have to touch that dial
cos I'm everywhere

And Jesus he knows me
and he knows I'm right
I've been talking to Jesus all my life
oh yes he knows me
and he knows I'm right
well he's been telling me
everything's gonna be alright

Won't find me practising what I'm preaching
won't find me making no sacrifice
but I can get you a pocketful of miracles
if you promise to be good, try to be nice
God will take good care of you
just do as I say, don't do as I do

I'm counting my blessings,
I've found true happiness
cos I'm getting richer, day by day
you can find me in the phone book,
just call my toll free number
you can do it anyway you want
just do it right away

There'll be no doubt in your mind
you'll believe everything I'm saying
if you wanna get closer to him
get on your knees and start paying

Cos Jesus he knows me
and he knows I'm right
I've been talking to Jesus all my life
oh yes he knows me
and he knows I'm right
well he's been telling me
everything's gonna be alright, alright

Jesus he knows me
Jesus he knows me, you know...

[Ladewig]

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz ?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz ?
- Janis Joplin

______________________
I guess this preacher man isn't familiar with James 4:3 "Ye ask, and receive not because ye ask amiss, that you may consume it upon your lusts."

[_Q_]

Zappa's got it covered, and was pretty close on the dollar figure:

"He's got twenty million dollars in his Heavenly Bank Account (http://www.lyricsdomain.com/6/frank_zappa/heavenly_bank_account.html)."


He's got twenty million dollars
In his Heavenly Bank Account
All from those chumps who was
Born again
Oh yeah, oh yeah
He's got seven limousines
And a private plane


(The rest of the lyrics can be found at that link and elsewhere. Better yet, listen to You Are What You Is.)


_Q_

[Funkenstien]

The kicker for me is the person who was going to buy a bunch of video equipment, but then decided to give it to JDM. Now that's comedy.

[HarryKeogh]

Is it bad for me to say I hope he gets his plane then on its maiden voyage it crashes into the mansion he bought with the rest of the money he scammed off of desperate/gullible/foolish/sad people?

[Ladewig]

Is it bad for me to say I hope he gets his plane then on its maiden voyage it crashes into the mansion he bought with the rest of the money he scammed off of desperate/gullible/foolish/sad people?

Yes, it is. A better hope is wishing for him to get convicted of tax fraud and have the government seize the plane and mansion before throwing the scoundrel in jail. Less destruction, more justice, and a lower national debt.

[WildCat]

Reminds me of the South Park Starvin' Marvin in Space episode... (http://www.spscriptorium.com/Season3/E311script.htm)
[CBC television studios. The CBC logo, a pair of angel wings topped by a halo, and CBC printed in front of them, fills the screen. Next comes "Christian Broadcasting Channel"]

Pat: ["TO PLEDGE CALL: 1-800-555-2717"] You know, Susan, theh uhthere are so many great missionaries doing work, out there in in inin parts of Africa, and and uh we're trying to get Bibles to people all over the world. And what we need, is the help of everyone out there so that we can continue these, these projects. Now, listen to this, Susan. [a picture of Hollis with two Ethiopians appears over his right shoulder] Wha-one of our missionaries in North Africa has made an amazing discovery. U-u-uh a new planet, in the in the galaxy Alpha Seti VI, that has intelligent life on it.

Susan: Amazing.

Pat: Yeah. We're not sure what these hyper-intelligent beings look like, but one thing is for sure: they've never heard of Jesus Christ.

Susan: What can we do at the 600 Club to help those poor aliens?

Pat: Well, what we need, Susan, is we need money to build an interstallar cruiser. [a diagram of said cruiser appears over his shoulder: the XT-9000] Now, this space ship will be able to travel through a wormhole and deliver the message and guh-glory of Jesus Christ to those godless aliens. S-send your money now. Amen.

[Zep]

I remember that one, Wildcat! Good episode, and it needs to be shown compulsorily at all fundie gatherings after the plate has been pased around.

[Kilted_Canuck]

Originally posted by WildCat
Reminds me of the South Park Starvin' Marvin in Space episode... (http://www.spscriptorium.com/Season3/E311script.htm)



Woah, creepy. For a second I thought you were referring to the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (www.cbc.ca) .