c4ts
24th March 2004, 06:17 PM
If there are any arguments I left out, just let me know...
FINE RESTAURANT/INTERIOR I/6:00 P.M.
Allen, Christina, Matt, and Karen are sitting at a table.
ALLEN:
The grass is wet today. Therefore it must be raining.
KAREN:
Oh dear, I forgot my umbrella. I must be soaked!
CHRISTINA:
It rains because we are American citizens.
MATT:
It rains because tacos.
Noises of agreement.
ALLEN:
Tacos are crunchy.
MATT:
Tacos are soft.
ALLEN:
Crunchy.
MATT:
No, soft.
ALLEN:
Crunchy!
MATT:
Soft!
CHRISTINA:
Don't start that again! Tacos are both crunchy and soft at the same time, in the same sense.
KAREN:
I once ate a taco.
The other three applaud approvingly.
MATT:
Did you hear the news today? The FDA passed another law against tacos.
CHRISTINA:
They won't serve tacos at public schools these days. We are truly an oppressed minority.
ALLEN:
The FDA hates tacos. They persecute taco eaters.
KAREN:
They're hypocrites. You can't eat tacos at a public school, but you can eat pizza!
MATT:
The nerve!
CHRISTINA:
That's not so bad. A pizza is just an inverted taco.
ALLEN:
But they put sauce on pizza. You can't put sauce on tacos!
MATT:
I put hot sauce on my tacos.
ALLEN:
You lie!
MATT:
It's true.
ALLEN:
If you put sauce on your taco, it's not a TRUE taco so you're not really eating a taco.
MATT:
2+2=22 therefore I'd be dead if I wasn't eating real tacos.
ALLEN:
But 2+2 also equals 19!
MATT:
Prove it.
ALLEN:
2+2=19 because 19=2+2!
CHRISTINA:
I don't get it.
ALLEN:
That's because you're bad at math.
KAREN:
But there's no way you can avoid eating a taco, even if you put sauce on it. Everything is made out of tacos. When you drive down the freeway without crashing into other cars, you’re eating a taco. When you drink soda pop, you’re eating a taco. So you might as well eat a taco.
MATT:
I agree. Either everything is made out of tacos, or nothing exists.
ALLEN:
No, pizza isn't made out of tacos. It's all because hamburgers!
MATT:
Then according to you, nothing exists. Not even hamburgers. Ha ha ha.
ALLEN:
Since you can't prove that hamburgers don't exist, they must exist! (Pounds on the table)
KAREN:
Calm down.
CHRISTINA:
Maybe Allen is right. If Matt puts sauce on his tacos, then he'll start putting sauce on other things and calling them tacos until he's eating hamburgers.
MATT:
No! I would never do that!
ALLEN:
But you're already doing that.
KAREN:
Will you two stop eating hamburgers already? Go back to tacos like you were meant to.
ALLEN:
Okay.
MATT:
Fine. No more arguments.
The table is silent for a minute.
ALLEN:
Matt, I'm your boss. I'll fire you if you eat something other than tacos!
MATT:
Don't fire me, sir. I eat tacos! I love tacos!
CHRISTINA:
Wouldn't it be great if you could only get a job if you ate tacos?
KAREN:
Too bad there are laws against that.
MATT:
The government hates us.
ALLEN:
They discriminate against taco eaters.
MATT:
Only right thinking people eat tacos. Everybody knows that.
CHRISTINA:
I hear the president eats tacos.
ALLEN:
We should agree with everything the president says. I hope he stays in office forever.
A Waiter arrives.
WAITER:
Good evening gentlemen, I'll be your waiter for tonight. Here is the menu-
ALLEN:
Hey! You can't tempt us with your hamburgery menus! We know what we want to eat.
WAITER:
Shards of glass and caviar?
ALL:
TACOS!
WAITER:
Very well, excellent choice.
The waiter takes his notepad and leaves.
CHRISTINA:
Where were we?
KAREN:
Tacos. We must eat tacos. Otherwise life would have no meaning.
MATT:
Anyone who argues that other food is better than tacos is evil.
KAREN:
Good thinking. You can't be moral unless you eat tacos.
ALLEN:
The world needs tacos and it's our job to make sure everybody eats them!
MATT:
I used to be gay. But now that I eat tacos, I'm straighter than ever before! (kisses Christina in a stiff and exaggerated manner)
ALLEN:
I knew a gay man who refused to eat tacos. All gays must hate tacos.
KAREN:
Everybody would be gay without tacos.
ALLEN:
Did you know gays are trying to keep us from eating tacos? They want to make everybody else gay.
CHRISTINA:
Yes, because everybody rich and powerful is gay these days.
ALLEN:
People say that's it's OK to be gay and not eat tacos, but they're just following a fad. They've all been brainwashed by pop stars and hamburgers.
The waiter returns with four taco salads.
WAITER:
Here you are, four taco salads. Every order of a taco came with a free soup or salad. Somehow I don't think any of you wanted soup.
The waiter gives each person a taco salad and leaves.
MATT:
I'm glad I eat tacos.
KAREN:
Me too. You know, Einstein said that eating tacos is a sane activity. Therefore people who don't eat tacos are crazy.
CHRISTINA:
Einstein must be right. He was a genius.
ALLEN:
And every health expert will tell you that eating nothing but tacos will keep you fit and increase your lifespan by 200 years.
MATT:
It's too bad only a minority eats tacos in America.
KAREN:
Wait a minute. I once saw a survey that said 70% of Americans eat tacos.
MATT:
Just because a bunch of people say they eat tacos doesn't mean they really do.
CHRISTINA:
People lie because they don't eat tacos.
ALLEN:
I hear people who don't eat tacos have just as many rights as we do.
CHRISTINA:
That's terrible! There should be a law against that.
KAREN:
I thought this was a taco eating nation! Our founding fathers ate tacos!
ALLEN:
But now it is controlled by an evil world government that hates tacos.
MATT:
Maybe we should all move to Mexico where everybody eats tacos.
ALLEN:
That's where you're wrong. Nobody REALLY eats tacos in Mexico because they fry tortillas instead of using prepackaged taco shells. There's a world of difference.
MATT:
But taco shells ARE fried tortillas!
ALLEN:
No! Because you buy them in packages of 10 or 20 they're the essence of taco-ness, not fried tortillas!
MATT:
But…
ALLEN:
I’ll explain. Let me tell you a story about tacos.
CHRISTINA:
What might that be?
ALLEN:
The story of King Piye of Nubia. One day King Piye sailed off the edge of the Earth and bad things happened to him. This is because he did not eat tacos.
KAREN:
Poor Piye. He went his whole life without a taco.
ALLEN:
But I know another story. The story of Juan Gomez. Juan was an evil man who went around shooting people for no apparent reason. Then, right before he died, he ate a taco and good things happened to him.
MATT:
Did he put hot sauce on his taco?
ALLEN:
No! He did not put hot sauce on his taco!
KAREN:
Did he melt the cheese on top?
ALLEN:
No! Stop asking questions! Juan ate a TRUE taco so he died a happy man! End of story!
CHRISTINA:
I'm happy because Juan was happy. I'm sad because Juan died. Wait... how am I supposed to feel about this story?
ALLEN:
Happy! The story had a happy ending!
CHRISTINA:
I'm happy because Juan died.
KAREN:
No, that's not it at all. Tell us another story, Allen.
ALLEN:
All right. Once upon a time there was a man with a drinking problem. Then he ate a taco. He stopped drinking and good things happened to him.
MATT:
Wow. The ending was a surprise.
KAREN:
I thought he was going to eat a chalupa.
Everybody at the table stares at Karen.
KAREN:
...and die. Eat a chalupa and die.
CHRISTINA:
Karen, have you been going to Taco Hut every Thursday?
KAREN:
Uhhh...
MATT:
I know for a fact that she didn't! I was there last Thursday.
ALLEN:
ALWAYS go to Taco Hut on Thursday! Always always always! If you miss Taco Hut on Thursday bad things will happen to you.
KAREN:
I'm sorry.
MATT:
It's okay. But when you get back to Taco Hut you have to eat twice as many tacos just to be sure good things will happen to you again.
ALLEN:
[Leaning over to the side as though he were close to another table.]
Bad things happen to people who order steak instead of tacos. Strange and terrible things! Oooooh, bad things indeed! Horrible punishments which you cannot begin to imagine! Like if this restaurant filled up with blood, and that blood was on fire, and it was raining blood…
The waiter comes by.
WAITER:
Excuse me, sir, but the people at the table next to you are offended by your… intolerant conversation. I’ll have to ask that you stop or else leave this establishment.
ALLEN:
Stop talking about tacos? Help! I’m being persecuted!
MATT:
But bad things will happen to us if we stop thinking about tacos! Those steak eating bastards over there must know it.
CHRISTINA:
I’m so offended!
KAREN:
Intolerant? I don’t see how we’re intolerant.
ALLEN:
Me neither.
MATT:
Me neither.
CHRISTINA:
Oh, I’m so offended!
ALLEN:
Stop persecuting our beliefs and give us our tacos!
The Waiter collects the four uneaten taco salads and serves the tacos.
MATT:
Now it is time to eat the tacos.
CHRISTINA:
First we must recite the Taco poem.
ALLEN:
Which one?
CHRISTINA:
I'll consult the book of taco poetry.
Christina out a heavy hardback volume out from under the table. The others do the same. She flips through the pages and selects a particular entry.
CHRISTINA:
Here's a good one on page 327:
"Tacos for breakfast
Tacos for lunch
Tacos for dinner
Tacos for dessert
Tacos are the only food"
ALL:
"Tacos for breakfast
Tacos for lunch
Tacos for dinner
Tacos for dessert
Tacos are the only food"
CHRISTINA:
Enough.
ALL:
Enough.
ALLEN:
I want more money. (Takes a bite out of his taco)
KAREN:
I want a new car. (Takes a bite out of her taco)
CHRISTINA:
I want a new car and more money. (Takes a bite out of her taco)
MATT:
I want the neighbors to stop looking at me funny. (Takes a big bite out of his taco)
They finish their tacos in silence and bow their heads.
ALLEN:
Now we await the bill.
Curtains.
FINE RESTAURANT/INTERIOR I/6:00 P.M.
Allen, Christina, Matt, and Karen are sitting at a table.
ALLEN:
The grass is wet today. Therefore it must be raining.
KAREN:
Oh dear, I forgot my umbrella. I must be soaked!
CHRISTINA:
It rains because we are American citizens.
MATT:
It rains because tacos.
Noises of agreement.
ALLEN:
Tacos are crunchy.
MATT:
Tacos are soft.
ALLEN:
Crunchy.
MATT:
No, soft.
ALLEN:
Crunchy!
MATT:
Soft!
CHRISTINA:
Don't start that again! Tacos are both crunchy and soft at the same time, in the same sense.
KAREN:
I once ate a taco.
The other three applaud approvingly.
MATT:
Did you hear the news today? The FDA passed another law against tacos.
CHRISTINA:
They won't serve tacos at public schools these days. We are truly an oppressed minority.
ALLEN:
The FDA hates tacos. They persecute taco eaters.
KAREN:
They're hypocrites. You can't eat tacos at a public school, but you can eat pizza!
MATT:
The nerve!
CHRISTINA:
That's not so bad. A pizza is just an inverted taco.
ALLEN:
But they put sauce on pizza. You can't put sauce on tacos!
MATT:
I put hot sauce on my tacos.
ALLEN:
You lie!
MATT:
It's true.
ALLEN:
If you put sauce on your taco, it's not a TRUE taco so you're not really eating a taco.
MATT:
2+2=22 therefore I'd be dead if I wasn't eating real tacos.
ALLEN:
But 2+2 also equals 19!
MATT:
Prove it.
ALLEN:
2+2=19 because 19=2+2!
CHRISTINA:
I don't get it.
ALLEN:
That's because you're bad at math.
KAREN:
But there's no way you can avoid eating a taco, even if you put sauce on it. Everything is made out of tacos. When you drive down the freeway without crashing into other cars, you’re eating a taco. When you drink soda pop, you’re eating a taco. So you might as well eat a taco.
MATT:
I agree. Either everything is made out of tacos, or nothing exists.
ALLEN:
No, pizza isn't made out of tacos. It's all because hamburgers!
MATT:
Then according to you, nothing exists. Not even hamburgers. Ha ha ha.
ALLEN:
Since you can't prove that hamburgers don't exist, they must exist! (Pounds on the table)
KAREN:
Calm down.
CHRISTINA:
Maybe Allen is right. If Matt puts sauce on his tacos, then he'll start putting sauce on other things and calling them tacos until he's eating hamburgers.
MATT:
No! I would never do that!
ALLEN:
But you're already doing that.
KAREN:
Will you two stop eating hamburgers already? Go back to tacos like you were meant to.
ALLEN:
Okay.
MATT:
Fine. No more arguments.
The table is silent for a minute.
ALLEN:
Matt, I'm your boss. I'll fire you if you eat something other than tacos!
MATT:
Don't fire me, sir. I eat tacos! I love tacos!
CHRISTINA:
Wouldn't it be great if you could only get a job if you ate tacos?
KAREN:
Too bad there are laws against that.
MATT:
The government hates us.
ALLEN:
They discriminate against taco eaters.
MATT:
Only right thinking people eat tacos. Everybody knows that.
CHRISTINA:
I hear the president eats tacos.
ALLEN:
We should agree with everything the president says. I hope he stays in office forever.
A Waiter arrives.
WAITER:
Good evening gentlemen, I'll be your waiter for tonight. Here is the menu-
ALLEN:
Hey! You can't tempt us with your hamburgery menus! We know what we want to eat.
WAITER:
Shards of glass and caviar?
ALL:
TACOS!
WAITER:
Very well, excellent choice.
The waiter takes his notepad and leaves.
CHRISTINA:
Where were we?
KAREN:
Tacos. We must eat tacos. Otherwise life would have no meaning.
MATT:
Anyone who argues that other food is better than tacos is evil.
KAREN:
Good thinking. You can't be moral unless you eat tacos.
ALLEN:
The world needs tacos and it's our job to make sure everybody eats them!
MATT:
I used to be gay. But now that I eat tacos, I'm straighter than ever before! (kisses Christina in a stiff and exaggerated manner)
ALLEN:
I knew a gay man who refused to eat tacos. All gays must hate tacos.
KAREN:
Everybody would be gay without tacos.
ALLEN:
Did you know gays are trying to keep us from eating tacos? They want to make everybody else gay.
CHRISTINA:
Yes, because everybody rich and powerful is gay these days.
ALLEN:
People say that's it's OK to be gay and not eat tacos, but they're just following a fad. They've all been brainwashed by pop stars and hamburgers.
The waiter returns with four taco salads.
WAITER:
Here you are, four taco salads. Every order of a taco came with a free soup or salad. Somehow I don't think any of you wanted soup.
The waiter gives each person a taco salad and leaves.
MATT:
I'm glad I eat tacos.
KAREN:
Me too. You know, Einstein said that eating tacos is a sane activity. Therefore people who don't eat tacos are crazy.
CHRISTINA:
Einstein must be right. He was a genius.
ALLEN:
And every health expert will tell you that eating nothing but tacos will keep you fit and increase your lifespan by 200 years.
MATT:
It's too bad only a minority eats tacos in America.
KAREN:
Wait a minute. I once saw a survey that said 70% of Americans eat tacos.
MATT:
Just because a bunch of people say they eat tacos doesn't mean they really do.
CHRISTINA:
People lie because they don't eat tacos.
ALLEN:
I hear people who don't eat tacos have just as many rights as we do.
CHRISTINA:
That's terrible! There should be a law against that.
KAREN:
I thought this was a taco eating nation! Our founding fathers ate tacos!
ALLEN:
But now it is controlled by an evil world government that hates tacos.
MATT:
Maybe we should all move to Mexico where everybody eats tacos.
ALLEN:
That's where you're wrong. Nobody REALLY eats tacos in Mexico because they fry tortillas instead of using prepackaged taco shells. There's a world of difference.
MATT:
But taco shells ARE fried tortillas!
ALLEN:
No! Because you buy them in packages of 10 or 20 they're the essence of taco-ness, not fried tortillas!
MATT:
But…
ALLEN:
I’ll explain. Let me tell you a story about tacos.
CHRISTINA:
What might that be?
ALLEN:
The story of King Piye of Nubia. One day King Piye sailed off the edge of the Earth and bad things happened to him. This is because he did not eat tacos.
KAREN:
Poor Piye. He went his whole life without a taco.
ALLEN:
But I know another story. The story of Juan Gomez. Juan was an evil man who went around shooting people for no apparent reason. Then, right before he died, he ate a taco and good things happened to him.
MATT:
Did he put hot sauce on his taco?
ALLEN:
No! He did not put hot sauce on his taco!
KAREN:
Did he melt the cheese on top?
ALLEN:
No! Stop asking questions! Juan ate a TRUE taco so he died a happy man! End of story!
CHRISTINA:
I'm happy because Juan was happy. I'm sad because Juan died. Wait... how am I supposed to feel about this story?
ALLEN:
Happy! The story had a happy ending!
CHRISTINA:
I'm happy because Juan died.
KAREN:
No, that's not it at all. Tell us another story, Allen.
ALLEN:
All right. Once upon a time there was a man with a drinking problem. Then he ate a taco. He stopped drinking and good things happened to him.
MATT:
Wow. The ending was a surprise.
KAREN:
I thought he was going to eat a chalupa.
Everybody at the table stares at Karen.
KAREN:
...and die. Eat a chalupa and die.
CHRISTINA:
Karen, have you been going to Taco Hut every Thursday?
KAREN:
Uhhh...
MATT:
I know for a fact that she didn't! I was there last Thursday.
ALLEN:
ALWAYS go to Taco Hut on Thursday! Always always always! If you miss Taco Hut on Thursday bad things will happen to you.
KAREN:
I'm sorry.
MATT:
It's okay. But when you get back to Taco Hut you have to eat twice as many tacos just to be sure good things will happen to you again.
ALLEN:
[Leaning over to the side as though he were close to another table.]
Bad things happen to people who order steak instead of tacos. Strange and terrible things! Oooooh, bad things indeed! Horrible punishments which you cannot begin to imagine! Like if this restaurant filled up with blood, and that blood was on fire, and it was raining blood…
The waiter comes by.
WAITER:
Excuse me, sir, but the people at the table next to you are offended by your… intolerant conversation. I’ll have to ask that you stop or else leave this establishment.
ALLEN:
Stop talking about tacos? Help! I’m being persecuted!
MATT:
But bad things will happen to us if we stop thinking about tacos! Those steak eating bastards over there must know it.
CHRISTINA:
I’m so offended!
KAREN:
Intolerant? I don’t see how we’re intolerant.
ALLEN:
Me neither.
MATT:
Me neither.
CHRISTINA:
Oh, I’m so offended!
ALLEN:
Stop persecuting our beliefs and give us our tacos!
The Waiter collects the four uneaten taco salads and serves the tacos.
MATT:
Now it is time to eat the tacos.
CHRISTINA:
First we must recite the Taco poem.
ALLEN:
Which one?
CHRISTINA:
I'll consult the book of taco poetry.
Christina out a heavy hardback volume out from under the table. The others do the same. She flips through the pages and selects a particular entry.
CHRISTINA:
Here's a good one on page 327:
"Tacos for breakfast
Tacos for lunch
Tacos for dinner
Tacos for dessert
Tacos are the only food"
ALL:
"Tacos for breakfast
Tacos for lunch
Tacos for dinner
Tacos for dessert
Tacos are the only food"
CHRISTINA:
Enough.
ALL:
Enough.
ALLEN:
I want more money. (Takes a bite out of his taco)
KAREN:
I want a new car. (Takes a bite out of her taco)
CHRISTINA:
I want a new car and more money. (Takes a bite out of her taco)
MATT:
I want the neighbors to stop looking at me funny. (Takes a big bite out of his taco)
They finish their tacos in silence and bow their heads.
ALLEN:
Now we await the bill.
Curtains.