Bruce
6th October 2004, 09:08 AM
Once upon a time, before time even began, there was a god who had a taste for spirits. The making of spirits, however, is a complicated and delicate process, but God was a genius and quite the inventor. He planned, designed, and eventually created the greatest distillery ever made: planet earth. The process involved placing the spirits in complicated casks called humans, and then aging the spirits to perfection. The quality of the spirits depended on the quality of the casks. Good spirits were sent to the best cellar in the cosmos, heaven, and the bad spirits were sent to the reject cellar, hell.
Things got off to a rough start for God. He soon discovered that spirits require continuing cycles of agitation and rest in order to age properly. Each cycle was roughly 16 hours on, and 8 hours off. It was an awful lot of work to shake each cask for 16 hours a day, so God decided to breathe life into the casks and set them to a schedule based on his latest invention, the solar system. God later discovered that the quality of the spirits varied with how they were agitated, and also varied with how they were mixed. To add a random quality to the spirits, God gave the casks free-will and sex. He also gave them animals to play with and an assortment of toys such as farms and houses. All this had its drawbacks, however. The casks became bored and began whining about this and that. “Why are we here?” , “Where did we come from?” they whined. On and on and on. Nobody wants to be told that they are merely storage vessels for a higher being, so God made up some ******** about a garden and a snake, and then something about a flood and a big boat. That seemed to satisfy them for a number of eons, so God went about his business with more important matters.
One evening, God went to check on his spirit cellar. There were a number of spirits collected in the chamber and God hadn’t been drunk in quite some time. Hoooweee! That hit the spot! “I really am a genius,” thought God. “These are the best spirits I’ve ever made.” After stumbling about the cosmos for a while, God landed on Mt. Siani and began playing with matches. He had a nice fire going on a large bush and noticed some casks having a party at the bottom of the mountain. There was a cask named Moses that seemed a bit of a party pooper. God had never interacted with his casks before and decided to have a little fun. He called Moses up the mountain, introduced himself, and gave some rules to Moses for the casks to follow. The rules were of course, completely against the nature of the casks as God had made them, and God had a huge laugh over all the casks falling over each other, desperately trying to follow the rules. He even told them that heaven was actually a perfect place (rather than a cellar) that they could enter if they followed the rules properly. During the peak of his intoxication, God dropped a bunch of frogs on the humans and even gave Moses some temporary God-like powers. What a blast! Little ********** was parting seas and turning rivers into blood!
God decided to stay on earth for a while and keep the party going. He invented wars, lust, and Republicans to add some flavor to the fun. One day, one of his servants decided that He was partying too hard and told Him to shove it. God banished the servant (Satan) to tend to the reject cellar (hell), and told all the casks that all their problems were Satan’s fault. God was having a rip-roaring time, turning people into salt, sending servants to kill the first born, making up more silly rules, reigning fire and brimstone. At one point, God decided to try out this sex thing for himself. He had made it pleasurable so that the casks would be encouraged to mix spirits, but never saw a need to try it for Himself. Wow! That was great! It was so great, that he decided to put a new star in the sky every time he scored.
It was all one big party with God and his giant distillery, until one fateful day when it all started going downhill. God was heavily drunk on spirits when he heard about this chick named Mary. She was so fine. God slipped into her bedroom one night and boy, were they right. The sex was so good that God lit up the biggest star ever in the night sky. It even caught the attention of these three wise dudes, who followed it for months trying to figure out what all the hubbub was about.
Several months later, there seemed to be a bunch of excitement coming from the casks. It seems that Mary was going to have a baby. Uh-oh. The Almighty done knocked the bitch up! God didn’t even realize that this was possible. In fact, it shouldn’t have been, but he was drunk. Funny things happen when gods get schnockered. Well, God did what he could to cover the whole thing up. He decided to ease up on the spirits and lie low for a while. The three wise dudes were plucked off, the star was snuffed out and never mentioned again, and the gossip about the “virgin” birth quieted down. All would have returned to normal if not for a certain little servant that saw what was happening. She decided that God wasn’t behaving very divine and told Mary’s child, Jesus, that he was God’s son.
To add salt to the wound, Jesus turned out to be a bleeding heart, commie, pinko, pussy, liberal. He was so enamored with being the son of God, that he decided to travel the land with his liberal buddies and hold protest rallies against the Romans. The little bastard child just loved to put words in God’s mouth. God had a bunch of cool rules, like if someone poked your eye out, you could poke their eye out, and if you exposed a whore you didn’t like, you could throw rocks at her. But Jesus went around telling everyone noooo, God wants you to let people beat you up, and for you to make friends with whores, and love everybody, and not to judge, bleh, bleh, bleh. God had a nice book being put together about his awesome adventures, and Jesus was inspiring folks to write a whole new volume that contradicted the first. What an *******! But what could he do? If he smote his own son, he would look like a real jerk and cause a world-wide rebellion. Entire kegs could be lost!
So, God kept quiet and allowed Jesus to do his thing. No floods, to meteor showers, no plagues, no mysterious mass murders. The casks were starting to think that God had left the party. Jesus appeared to have inherited some of Gods powers and was performing little tricks here and there. In fact, the casks were starting to think that maybe Jesus was God. That was the last straw. God was Almighty pissed off.
But daddy wasn’t the only one that was pissed off. The Romans were getting really annoyed at Jesus’s little rallies. In those days, the government didn’t put up with hippies for long. Jesus was soon nailed onto a cross with all the other trouble-makers. God tapped a big ‘ol keg of spirits on that day, and laughed with glee as Jesus hung there suffering. After Jesus finally died, God realized his mistake. A good number of casks were upset and demanded to know why God had allowed his only son to suffer and die like a common criminal. God was very inebriated and needed to think of something fast. He thought, (hey, they bought the ******** story about the garden and the flood, they’ll believe anything.)
“Uh, you remember that heaven place I told you about? Well, (hic) you’ve all been very naughty. I haven’t let any of you into heaven since, uh, I can’t remember. But, I had to let you kill my son because, uh (hic), that’s the only way you’d be allowed into heaven. You see, it’s only by accepting (hic), believing (hic), whatever, Jesus and his teachings, that you can get into heaven. That’s the new rules. (huh, huh.)”
With that, God passed out. He awoke 2000 years later with a nasty hangover. He didn’t quite remember what he did or what he said, but he thought that maybe it was time to peep in on his distillery. Oh my, what a mess! It seems that a hefty number of people bought into his rambling nonsense hook, line, and sinker. There were also a hefty number of people that didn’t buy it at all and were still following the old rules. The rest had either invented their own gods or doubted the existence of God at all.
The former party crowd, the Republicans, had made the death of his liberal, pussy, hippy son into a freaky religion, which they used to support their Republican views....which didn't make any sense at all. A bunch of nut-case wacko's calling themselves "Catholics" had made a saint out of that whore he banged all those years ago. Sex had been reduced to being between a man and a woman (married, in missionary position, once a year between the hours of 9 and 10pm, for making babies only, and no more slaying of the firstborn, etc). And worst of all, wars were now being fought all pansy style. Not a single blade or pitchfork. People were dying by the hundreds instead of the millions. In fact, in the most recent war, only 1000 people had died over the course of two years and everyone was being a bunch of cry-babies about it. More people die over the course of a year from mayonaise accidents, you wimps! The casks were multiplying exponentially, doing everything to live longer, protesting everything fun, all the while thinking that their creator was going to take care of everything in the end.
The sight of the sheer number of casks that had amassed since His blackout was enough to make him vomit. The spirits in both heaven and hell were more than one God could drink in several eons, but God decided never to drink again. His creation was a dismal failure, and it was all due to his personal obsession with spirits.
God joined Almighty Alcoholic’s Anonymous (AAA) and moved to Cincinnati, Ohio. He now exercises regularly and enjoys a healthy diet of vegetables and brown rice. He attends meetings once a week and tells people his sad story of loss and sorrow.
“It’s been 20 centuries and 4 years since my last spirit. (clap, clap, clap). I had it all at one time. I was on top of the world, but I lived in my own little universe. Drinking made me feel omnipotent, but I let it hurt those I care about. Now I’ve got a job as a bus-boy at Denny’s. I hope to work my way up to middle management someday. Thank you. (clap clap).”
And that’s the way it happened, folks. Now quit your whining and get back to work.
-Bruce
Things got off to a rough start for God. He soon discovered that spirits require continuing cycles of agitation and rest in order to age properly. Each cycle was roughly 16 hours on, and 8 hours off. It was an awful lot of work to shake each cask for 16 hours a day, so God decided to breathe life into the casks and set them to a schedule based on his latest invention, the solar system. God later discovered that the quality of the spirits varied with how they were agitated, and also varied with how they were mixed. To add a random quality to the spirits, God gave the casks free-will and sex. He also gave them animals to play with and an assortment of toys such as farms and houses. All this had its drawbacks, however. The casks became bored and began whining about this and that. “Why are we here?” , “Where did we come from?” they whined. On and on and on. Nobody wants to be told that they are merely storage vessels for a higher being, so God made up some ******** about a garden and a snake, and then something about a flood and a big boat. That seemed to satisfy them for a number of eons, so God went about his business with more important matters.
One evening, God went to check on his spirit cellar. There were a number of spirits collected in the chamber and God hadn’t been drunk in quite some time. Hoooweee! That hit the spot! “I really am a genius,” thought God. “These are the best spirits I’ve ever made.” After stumbling about the cosmos for a while, God landed on Mt. Siani and began playing with matches. He had a nice fire going on a large bush and noticed some casks having a party at the bottom of the mountain. There was a cask named Moses that seemed a bit of a party pooper. God had never interacted with his casks before and decided to have a little fun. He called Moses up the mountain, introduced himself, and gave some rules to Moses for the casks to follow. The rules were of course, completely against the nature of the casks as God had made them, and God had a huge laugh over all the casks falling over each other, desperately trying to follow the rules. He even told them that heaven was actually a perfect place (rather than a cellar) that they could enter if they followed the rules properly. During the peak of his intoxication, God dropped a bunch of frogs on the humans and even gave Moses some temporary God-like powers. What a blast! Little ********** was parting seas and turning rivers into blood!
God decided to stay on earth for a while and keep the party going. He invented wars, lust, and Republicans to add some flavor to the fun. One day, one of his servants decided that He was partying too hard and told Him to shove it. God banished the servant (Satan) to tend to the reject cellar (hell), and told all the casks that all their problems were Satan’s fault. God was having a rip-roaring time, turning people into salt, sending servants to kill the first born, making up more silly rules, reigning fire and brimstone. At one point, God decided to try out this sex thing for himself. He had made it pleasurable so that the casks would be encouraged to mix spirits, but never saw a need to try it for Himself. Wow! That was great! It was so great, that he decided to put a new star in the sky every time he scored.
It was all one big party with God and his giant distillery, until one fateful day when it all started going downhill. God was heavily drunk on spirits when he heard about this chick named Mary. She was so fine. God slipped into her bedroom one night and boy, were they right. The sex was so good that God lit up the biggest star ever in the night sky. It even caught the attention of these three wise dudes, who followed it for months trying to figure out what all the hubbub was about.
Several months later, there seemed to be a bunch of excitement coming from the casks. It seems that Mary was going to have a baby. Uh-oh. The Almighty done knocked the bitch up! God didn’t even realize that this was possible. In fact, it shouldn’t have been, but he was drunk. Funny things happen when gods get schnockered. Well, God did what he could to cover the whole thing up. He decided to ease up on the spirits and lie low for a while. The three wise dudes were plucked off, the star was snuffed out and never mentioned again, and the gossip about the “virgin” birth quieted down. All would have returned to normal if not for a certain little servant that saw what was happening. She decided that God wasn’t behaving very divine and told Mary’s child, Jesus, that he was God’s son.
To add salt to the wound, Jesus turned out to be a bleeding heart, commie, pinko, pussy, liberal. He was so enamored with being the son of God, that he decided to travel the land with his liberal buddies and hold protest rallies against the Romans. The little bastard child just loved to put words in God’s mouth. God had a bunch of cool rules, like if someone poked your eye out, you could poke their eye out, and if you exposed a whore you didn’t like, you could throw rocks at her. But Jesus went around telling everyone noooo, God wants you to let people beat you up, and for you to make friends with whores, and love everybody, and not to judge, bleh, bleh, bleh. God had a nice book being put together about his awesome adventures, and Jesus was inspiring folks to write a whole new volume that contradicted the first. What an *******! But what could he do? If he smote his own son, he would look like a real jerk and cause a world-wide rebellion. Entire kegs could be lost!
So, God kept quiet and allowed Jesus to do his thing. No floods, to meteor showers, no plagues, no mysterious mass murders. The casks were starting to think that God had left the party. Jesus appeared to have inherited some of Gods powers and was performing little tricks here and there. In fact, the casks were starting to think that maybe Jesus was God. That was the last straw. God was Almighty pissed off.
But daddy wasn’t the only one that was pissed off. The Romans were getting really annoyed at Jesus’s little rallies. In those days, the government didn’t put up with hippies for long. Jesus was soon nailed onto a cross with all the other trouble-makers. God tapped a big ‘ol keg of spirits on that day, and laughed with glee as Jesus hung there suffering. After Jesus finally died, God realized his mistake. A good number of casks were upset and demanded to know why God had allowed his only son to suffer and die like a common criminal. God was very inebriated and needed to think of something fast. He thought, (hey, they bought the ******** story about the garden and the flood, they’ll believe anything.)
“Uh, you remember that heaven place I told you about? Well, (hic) you’ve all been very naughty. I haven’t let any of you into heaven since, uh, I can’t remember. But, I had to let you kill my son because, uh (hic), that’s the only way you’d be allowed into heaven. You see, it’s only by accepting (hic), believing (hic), whatever, Jesus and his teachings, that you can get into heaven. That’s the new rules. (huh, huh.)”
With that, God passed out. He awoke 2000 years later with a nasty hangover. He didn’t quite remember what he did or what he said, but he thought that maybe it was time to peep in on his distillery. Oh my, what a mess! It seems that a hefty number of people bought into his rambling nonsense hook, line, and sinker. There were also a hefty number of people that didn’t buy it at all and were still following the old rules. The rest had either invented their own gods or doubted the existence of God at all.
The former party crowd, the Republicans, had made the death of his liberal, pussy, hippy son into a freaky religion, which they used to support their Republican views....which didn't make any sense at all. A bunch of nut-case wacko's calling themselves "Catholics" had made a saint out of that whore he banged all those years ago. Sex had been reduced to being between a man and a woman (married, in missionary position, once a year between the hours of 9 and 10pm, for making babies only, and no more slaying of the firstborn, etc). And worst of all, wars were now being fought all pansy style. Not a single blade or pitchfork. People were dying by the hundreds instead of the millions. In fact, in the most recent war, only 1000 people had died over the course of two years and everyone was being a bunch of cry-babies about it. More people die over the course of a year from mayonaise accidents, you wimps! The casks were multiplying exponentially, doing everything to live longer, protesting everything fun, all the while thinking that their creator was going to take care of everything in the end.
The sight of the sheer number of casks that had amassed since His blackout was enough to make him vomit. The spirits in both heaven and hell were more than one God could drink in several eons, but God decided never to drink again. His creation was a dismal failure, and it was all due to his personal obsession with spirits.
God joined Almighty Alcoholic’s Anonymous (AAA) and moved to Cincinnati, Ohio. He now exercises regularly and enjoys a healthy diet of vegetables and brown rice. He attends meetings once a week and tells people his sad story of loss and sorrow.
“It’s been 20 centuries and 4 years since my last spirit. (clap, clap, clap). I had it all at one time. I was on top of the world, but I lived in my own little universe. Drinking made me feel omnipotent, but I let it hurt those I care about. Now I’ve got a job as a bus-boy at Denny’s. I hope to work my way up to middle management someday. Thank you. (clap clap).”
And that’s the way it happened, folks. Now quit your whining and get back to work.
-Bruce