Dr Adequate
3rd November 2004, 09:09 AM
ON THE NEED FOR AN ATHEIST PLOT
Let me make it clear: I've got nothing against sane Christians, I rather like them. But something's got to be done about American fundies before they Destroy Us All. So I've used my Powers Of Adequacy to come up with an International Atheist Plot.
BUT FIRST, THE SUPPORTING DATA
Now if we wish people to lose faith (what did you think I was going to do, burn 'em at the stake... hey, hold on...) then knowing why they actually do lose faith is a good first step. I looked at the files of "Deconversion Stories" maintained by Cliff Walker on his positive atheism site (www.positiveatheism.org). It should be borne in mind that deconversion is usually multifactorial. But roughly speaking, the top reasons include at number four, the multiplicity of One True Religions, at three, the problem of evil, at number two, talking to nonbelievers and reading sceptical literature (especially The Demon Haunted World). But what is the all-time, number one faith-buster?
The Bible.
Yes, you heard me right. Reading the Bible is the cause of more deconversions than any other single factor. I therefore give you my godless atheist plot. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you... the Atheist Bible Society.
PRINCIPLES OF THE ABS
(1) The ABS shall exist to promote and disseminate Scriptural knowlege. It will offer no criticism of or commentary on the Bible. It will not be affiliated to any other atheist organisation.
(2) The ABS will disseminate Scriptural knowlege BECAUSE actual knowlege of the Bible --- rather than knowlege of your pastor's twelve favorite exerpts from the Bible --- is the number one reason why people turn away from fundamentalism, Christianity, and theism.
(3) When asked for an explanation of their actions, members of or spokespeople for the ABS shall repeat point number two, loudly, clearly, and, above all, over and over again. Until everyone knows it.
(4) The motto of the ABS shall be
You CAN'T be a 'Bible believer' UNTIL you've read the Bible
You WON'T be a 'Bible believer' AFTER you've read the Bible
WHAT WOULD THE ABS ACTUALLY DO?
Well, here's some ideas.
(1) Challenge Christians everywhere at every opportunity to read the whole Bible. Tell them that it is hypocritical to call yourself a "Bible-believing Christian" when you have no idea of what the Bible actually says. Hire billboards to say so. Challenge them to spend their next vacation reading the entire Bible through from beginning to end. Point out, if they are slow readers, that the Bible is available in the form of a "talking book". AND TELL THEM that the reason for this challenge is that reading the Bible is the surest way you know to destroy their faith in God. Ask them if they are too frightened of losing their faith to read the Bible and find out what their faith really is. Make clucking noises.
(2) Distribute texts. What you need are little cards with scriptures on. You know which scriptures. For example, the bit about God not being able to withstand iron chariots; or the bit about stoning unruly children. Each quotation should of course be given with chapter and verse. And underneath the quotation, in smaller letters, perhaps the legend: "If this scripture puzzles you, why not ask your pastor for an explanation?". Or: "If you don't understand this scripture, try praying for an explanation". Or: (and this I'm rather proud of) "If you reject this scripture, please dispose of it tidily --- don't litter".
Distribute texts on the street, or leave them in public places: laundrettes, buses ... churches? It would be nice if you could start doing this on a massive scale during a slow news week, but I imagine that organising atheists is rather like herding cats.
(3) Bumper stickers. NO NOT FOR YOU YOU IDIOT! Who needs that many rear-end shunts? For your friendly local fundamentalist. Stick a particularly obscene, wicked or flat-earthish quotation on his bumper, with, again in small print the caveat: "If you reject this scripture, and wish to remove it from your car..." etc.
He can rip the text off his car and throw it away, or he can drive around with it on, so that everyone can read it...
As a matter of fact, there are quite a few Dominical texts concerning money and wealth which I think it would be fun to see on the back of a fundamentalist's Beemer. Perhaps it's just me.
(4) Organise public Bible readings. Especially from the books of Joshua and Judges. Or you could have two speakers, alternatively producing contradictary texts. For best results, do this outside school gates. See if you can get yourself arrested for reading the Bible to children --- I don't know if this is possible, but maybe with the help of a really good lawyer..? Offer to set up Bible study groups, to discuss "the bits of the Bible your pastor won't tell you about". March with placards displaying Biblical texts.
(5) I understand that in some parts of America, it is possible for enough citizens to force a referendum on more or less any legislative matter. So force a referendum on whether disobedient children should be stoned to death by the town elders, or whether a man should be obliged by law to impregnate his brother's widow. If you can't get enough names to force the issue, that's also a victory --- the important thing is to try and to fail.
(6) Demand that creationism and the flat earth theory should be taught in schools alongside real science, "so that people can see the difference". Point out that every creationist and flat-earth claim can be debunked in five minutes by a bright twelve-year-old with Web access. Gloat publicly over the detrimental effect this would have on a child's faith. Comment delightedly that the fundamentalists couldn't have come up with a better plan to destroy Christianity in America if they tried with both hands for a week. Add that you would like to see every schoolchild in America made to read the Bible through from start to finish "to end this Christian nonsense once and for all".
(7) Publicly offer financial support to creationist and flat-earth organisations. Publicly explain why. If they refuse the money, announce that you'll channel it to them through front organisations and private donations. Do so.
(8) Award an annual prize to the Biblical literalist person or organisation "who makes Christianity look silliest". Have the prize come with a small cash award "to help you continue your work".
(9) Collect and publicise cases of deconversion resulting from Bible study.
WHAT WILL THIS ACHIEVE?
(1) Actual deconversions.
(2) Innoculation against conversion by fundamentalists.
(3) Cognitive dissonance amongst fundamentalists. Well, MORE cognitive dissonance, then.
(4) It will bring out of the woodwork all the Christian nonliteralists who will defend the Bible on the basis that it isn't really true.
(5) It will be screamingly funny.
WHAT CAN FUNDAMENTALISTS DO ABOUT IT?
(1) They can denounce reading the Bible, the distribution of Scripture, Biblical literalism and creationism as a godless atheist plot... no... hang on... that wouldn't work...
(2) Er...
AM YOU SERIOUS?
Perfectly. But I am also grinning like a shark.
Let me make it clear: I've got nothing against sane Christians, I rather like them. But something's got to be done about American fundies before they Destroy Us All. So I've used my Powers Of Adequacy to come up with an International Atheist Plot.
BUT FIRST, THE SUPPORTING DATA
Now if we wish people to lose faith (what did you think I was going to do, burn 'em at the stake... hey, hold on...) then knowing why they actually do lose faith is a good first step. I looked at the files of "Deconversion Stories" maintained by Cliff Walker on his positive atheism site (www.positiveatheism.org). It should be borne in mind that deconversion is usually multifactorial. But roughly speaking, the top reasons include at number four, the multiplicity of One True Religions, at three, the problem of evil, at number two, talking to nonbelievers and reading sceptical literature (especially The Demon Haunted World). But what is the all-time, number one faith-buster?
The Bible.
Yes, you heard me right. Reading the Bible is the cause of more deconversions than any other single factor. I therefore give you my godless atheist plot. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you... the Atheist Bible Society.
PRINCIPLES OF THE ABS
(1) The ABS shall exist to promote and disseminate Scriptural knowlege. It will offer no criticism of or commentary on the Bible. It will not be affiliated to any other atheist organisation.
(2) The ABS will disseminate Scriptural knowlege BECAUSE actual knowlege of the Bible --- rather than knowlege of your pastor's twelve favorite exerpts from the Bible --- is the number one reason why people turn away from fundamentalism, Christianity, and theism.
(3) When asked for an explanation of their actions, members of or spokespeople for the ABS shall repeat point number two, loudly, clearly, and, above all, over and over again. Until everyone knows it.
(4) The motto of the ABS shall be
You CAN'T be a 'Bible believer' UNTIL you've read the Bible
You WON'T be a 'Bible believer' AFTER you've read the Bible
WHAT WOULD THE ABS ACTUALLY DO?
Well, here's some ideas.
(1) Challenge Christians everywhere at every opportunity to read the whole Bible. Tell them that it is hypocritical to call yourself a "Bible-believing Christian" when you have no idea of what the Bible actually says. Hire billboards to say so. Challenge them to spend their next vacation reading the entire Bible through from beginning to end. Point out, if they are slow readers, that the Bible is available in the form of a "talking book". AND TELL THEM that the reason for this challenge is that reading the Bible is the surest way you know to destroy their faith in God. Ask them if they are too frightened of losing their faith to read the Bible and find out what their faith really is. Make clucking noises.
(2) Distribute texts. What you need are little cards with scriptures on. You know which scriptures. For example, the bit about God not being able to withstand iron chariots; or the bit about stoning unruly children. Each quotation should of course be given with chapter and verse. And underneath the quotation, in smaller letters, perhaps the legend: "If this scripture puzzles you, why not ask your pastor for an explanation?". Or: "If you don't understand this scripture, try praying for an explanation". Or: (and this I'm rather proud of) "If you reject this scripture, please dispose of it tidily --- don't litter".
Distribute texts on the street, or leave them in public places: laundrettes, buses ... churches? It would be nice if you could start doing this on a massive scale during a slow news week, but I imagine that organising atheists is rather like herding cats.
(3) Bumper stickers. NO NOT FOR YOU YOU IDIOT! Who needs that many rear-end shunts? For your friendly local fundamentalist. Stick a particularly obscene, wicked or flat-earthish quotation on his bumper, with, again in small print the caveat: "If you reject this scripture, and wish to remove it from your car..." etc.
He can rip the text off his car and throw it away, or he can drive around with it on, so that everyone can read it...
As a matter of fact, there are quite a few Dominical texts concerning money and wealth which I think it would be fun to see on the back of a fundamentalist's Beemer. Perhaps it's just me.
(4) Organise public Bible readings. Especially from the books of Joshua and Judges. Or you could have two speakers, alternatively producing contradictary texts. For best results, do this outside school gates. See if you can get yourself arrested for reading the Bible to children --- I don't know if this is possible, but maybe with the help of a really good lawyer..? Offer to set up Bible study groups, to discuss "the bits of the Bible your pastor won't tell you about". March with placards displaying Biblical texts.
(5) I understand that in some parts of America, it is possible for enough citizens to force a referendum on more or less any legislative matter. So force a referendum on whether disobedient children should be stoned to death by the town elders, or whether a man should be obliged by law to impregnate his brother's widow. If you can't get enough names to force the issue, that's also a victory --- the important thing is to try and to fail.
(6) Demand that creationism and the flat earth theory should be taught in schools alongside real science, "so that people can see the difference". Point out that every creationist and flat-earth claim can be debunked in five minutes by a bright twelve-year-old with Web access. Gloat publicly over the detrimental effect this would have on a child's faith. Comment delightedly that the fundamentalists couldn't have come up with a better plan to destroy Christianity in America if they tried with both hands for a week. Add that you would like to see every schoolchild in America made to read the Bible through from start to finish "to end this Christian nonsense once and for all".
(7) Publicly offer financial support to creationist and flat-earth organisations. Publicly explain why. If they refuse the money, announce that you'll channel it to them through front organisations and private donations. Do so.
(8) Award an annual prize to the Biblical literalist person or organisation "who makes Christianity look silliest". Have the prize come with a small cash award "to help you continue your work".
(9) Collect and publicise cases of deconversion resulting from Bible study.
WHAT WILL THIS ACHIEVE?
(1) Actual deconversions.
(2) Innoculation against conversion by fundamentalists.
(3) Cognitive dissonance amongst fundamentalists. Well, MORE cognitive dissonance, then.
(4) It will bring out of the woodwork all the Christian nonliteralists who will defend the Bible on the basis that it isn't really true.
(5) It will be screamingly funny.
WHAT CAN FUNDAMENTALISTS DO ABOUT IT?
(1) They can denounce reading the Bible, the distribution of Scripture, Biblical literalism and creationism as a godless atheist plot... no... hang on... that wouldn't work...
(2) Er...
AM YOU SERIOUS?
Perfectly. But I am also grinning like a shark.