Oh my lack of God...

[c4ts]

http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0086/0086_01.asp

And the winner of the Jesus award for most unlikely scenario goes to:

http://www.chick.com/tractimages75087/0086/0086_08.gif

[Marquis de Carabas]

I'm not sure about "some dude," but I bet the Beyonder could take JC.

[c4ts]

Franko could beat him with his logic negation field.

[richardm]

I take your unlikely scenario and raise you one paranoid nutcase (http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0094/0094_01.asp)

http://www.chick.com/tractimages75087/0094/0094_08.gif

[c4ts]

I double your paranoia with the ending to this tract:
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0003/0003_01.asp

[AK-Dave]

If only Jack Chick would refer to The Official God FAQ (http://www.400monkeys.com/God/) before making these tracts. It would make them so much more accurate.

[RamblingOnwards]

These characters all seem to live in a world were no one has ever pestered them about religion until the featured nut-job arrives. Where is it, do you think? I want to go there!

[c4ts]

It's more like nightmare land anyway, where everybody is a weird stereotype and all the kids are creepy looking.

[Operaider]

MY GOD! :big:

THOSE ARE SO FUNNY!

I wonder if 1 in Christ could get a job writing for them

It's twice as funny as any dilbert comic I've ever read.
They should put it in the news paper

[Marquis de Carabas]

Here's a good one...
http://www.chick.com/tractimages69953/0078/0078_20.gif
OK, who cares about the panel. Check the caption..."ex-vampire"? So Chick believes in the undead, and believes it's a curable condition?

[c4ts]

Hah! What tract is that from?

[Marquis de Carabas]

Oops, sorry. That was from The Contract (http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0078/0078_01.asp), which bears the heart-warming message that you can sell your soul to Satan, and still go to heaven.

[Yaotl]

Originally posted by Marquis de Carabas
Oops, sorry. That was from The Contract (http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0078/0078_01.asp), which bears the heart-warming message that you can sell your soul to Satan, and still go to heaven.

Wait, wait, so what was the point of the contract then? The guy wasn't "saved" before the contract, so what difference did it make?

[Marquis de Carabas]

Originally posted by Yaotl
Wait, wait, so what was the point of the contract then? The guy wasn't "saved" before the contract, so what difference did it make?
It got him loads of money, and he got to die rich in a mansion. I think Benny Hinn is following much the same strategy.

What purpose the contract served from Satan's POV, I've no idea.

[MRC_Hans]

Urrf! When will U fellas stop posting this?
When will I learn NOT to click those links?
Where are the barf bags?

Hans

[Marquis de Carabas]

Originally posted by MRC_Hans
Urrf! When will U fellas stop posting this?
When will I learn NOT to click those links?
Where are the barf bags?

Hans
Never.
Never.
Just throw up anywhere. It's not like anyone will notice the mess, what with all 1inC's s:Dt strewn everywhere already.

[evildave]

Originally posted by Yaotl
Wait, wait, so what was the point of the contract then? The guy wasn't "saved" before the contract, so what difference did it make?

It's similar to the standard 'Djin' stories where the character gets a wish, and it turns out horribly, but a valuable moral lesson is taught, though not usually to the unfortunate recipient of the 'blessing'. In the correct djin formula, the recipient would end up owning the bank, and turn into as nasty a person as the bank officer ever was, and do many a dreadful sin, turning out widows and orphans and being a pure villain to spread misery and gain more wealth and power.

Certain brands of fundy Christians don't seem to 'get' this formula.

In the Chick forumula, whoever kisses up to his deity gets off scott free for whatever they have ever done (even multiple child rape/homicide) and goes to heaven, and good people burn in hell, because if there's one thing an omnipotent being who is infinitely secure in its position can't stand, it's not having people kiss its butt properly.

Of course, with what this brand of Christianity offers, is it any wonder why it's a big business, and attracts the ugly sorts of people it does?

[c4ts]

Originally posted by MRC_Hans
Urrf! When will U fellas stop posting this?
When will I learn NOT to click those links?
Where are the barf bags?

Hans

Yeah, these tracts are not for those without a surreal sense of humor, small children, or pregnant mothers.

[riverlethe]

Oh, thank you. I'll be laughing for weeks about Jesus being analogous to the Bionic Man, but so much stronger.

[Anathema]

Originally posted by c4ts
I double your paranoia with the ending to this tract:
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0003/0003_01.asp Wait a sec....that sweet old man invoked the Holy Name of Jesus three times, and Satan (the pipe-smoking intellectual), still coldcocked him! I thought Satan became powerless when you invoked the magical holy name....

Huh, a new fundy theological slant every day!

[Batman Jr.]

Originally posted by evildave
It's similar to the standard 'Djin' stories where the character gets a wish, and it turns out horribly, but a valuable moral lesson is taught, though not usually to the unfortunate recipient of the 'blessing'. In the correct djin formula, the recipient would end up owning the bank, and turn into as nasty a person as the bank officer ever was, and do many a dreadful sin, turning out widows and orphans and being a pure villain to spread misery and gain more wealth and power.

Those people in the "Djinn" stories are so stupid. All they have to do to circumvent the possibility of their wishes backfiring on them is to first wish that all of their wishes come out exactly the way they had wanted them to. :D

[Aussie Thinker]

Generally reading those Chick Tracts give me a huge hoot of laughter.. but..

Trouble is… it is clear by their style they are aimed at unsuspecting children.. they seem to be written for either children or morons… They are designed to scare kids into becoming Jesus clones.

I imagine the hundreds of little children that have suffered nightmares from these evil pieces of crap.

I am all for free speech but I would find someway of charging those nuts with child abuse !

[evildave]

Originally posted by Batman Jr.
Those people in the "Djinn" stories are so stupid. All they have to do to circumvent the possibility of their wishes backfiring on them is to first wish that all of their wishes come out exactly the way they had wanted them to. :D

You mean a 'DWIM' interface for wishes? What if you're only given one wish? Besides, even with that initial wish, something can go exactly as you had wished and still be a disaster for other people.

[Marquis de Carabas]

Originally posted by evildave
You mean a 'DWIM' interface for wishes? What if you're only given one wish? Besides, even with that initial wish, something can go exactly as you had wished and still be a disaster for other people.
We have to care about other people? Damn.

Anyway, the way around the one wish thing (and also a loophole in the 'no wishing for more wishes' BS) is to make your wish that the genie would always be under the belief that it still owed you one more wish after the one it is currently granting you.

[evildave]

It's the 'not caring' (about what is changed to make your wish come true) that is the very point of many of the stories. I think there was one called the 'Monkey's Paw', where it went down sort of horribly. But I digress. If the wishes are cursed, it doesn't matter how many wishes you try, they'll all bugger somebody, and since you're just a character in literature if you're getting 'wishes' (or a dying cancer kid), there isn't a lot you can do other than follow the story line as it's written.

You could wish for something simple, like 'enduring happiness', and suffer a brain injury that makes you a blissful vegetable that impoverishes your family, for instance.

[Marquis de Carabas]

Which all goes to show, you should throw your luck in with cats and not djinn, if you must be a character of literature.

[evildave]

What? Like a maneki neko?

[TragicMonkey]

Originally posted by Marquis de Carabas
Anyway, the way around the one wish thing (and also a loophole in the 'no wishing for more wishes' BS) is to make your wish that the genie would always be under the belief that it still owed you one more wish after the one it is currently granting you.

Too complicated. Just wish for the power to fulfill your own wishes, yourself. Then if you screw any up, you'll have the power to fix it.

[TragicMonkey]

Although...if granted a few wishes by the djinn, my last would be "I wish that you do not fulfill this wish" just to see what would happen.

[1inChrist]

Wow. Those are amazing. I'm going to print those cartoons out and take them to my Church.

[c4ts]

Originally posted by Aussie Thinker
Generally reading those Chick Tracts give me a huge hoot of laughter.. but..

Trouble is… it is clear by their style they are aimed at unsuspecting children.. they seem to be written for either children or morons… They are designed to scare kids into becoming Jesus clones.



Originally posted by 1inChrist
Wow. Those are amazing. I'm going to print those cartoons out and take them to my Church.

[Yaotl]

Originally posted by TragicMonkey
Too complicated. Just wish for the power to fulfill your own wishes, yourself. Then if you screw any up, you'll have the power to fix it.

A wish for omnipotence is the wish that keeps on giving.

[Marquis de Carabas]

Originally posted by 1inChrist
Wow. Those are amazing. I'm going to print those cartoons out and take them to my Church.
Oh get off it with the obvious trolling sock-puppety goodness. You're not even trying anymore, are you?

[c4ts]

Originally posted by Yaotl
Wait, wait, so what was the point of the contract then? The guy wasn't "saved" before the contract, so what difference did it make?

I think it was about the legal loopholes of the fundie system.

[TragicMonkey]

Originally posted by Yaotl
A wish for omnipotence is the wish that keeps on giving.

I don't want omnipotence, because, being of a higher ethical nature than God, I would then feel responsible for allowing anything bad to happen.

I just want the power to teleport poop-flinging monkeys into various locations, let them do their great and noble work, then send them safely home again. Lex Luthor I ain't, but it would certainly make things lively. "Another drive-by monkey pooping occured on Capitol Hill today. Film footage of Senators Kennedy and Santorum at eleven."

[Anathema]

Originally posted by 1inChrist
Wow. Those are amazing. I'm going to print those cartoons out and take them to my Church. No, sock-boy --- a proper Christian would do the right thing and buy originals from Chick. Stealing for God is still stealing, don't you think....sock-boy?

[Marquis de Carabas]

While we're on the subject of Chick tracts, if any of you are unaware of this classic (http://www.humpin.org/mst3kdd/) parody, go have a good laugh.

[TragicMonkey]

Originally posted by Marquis de Carabas
While we're on the subject of Chick tracts, if any of you are unaware of this classic (http://www.humpin.org/mst3kdd/) parody, go have a good laugh.

And now my coworkers know for sure that I don't do much work.


Boy it's going to be a strange Easter/Belatane there. He brings home an Easter bunny and she cuts it up.

[Batman Jr.]

Originally posted by evildave
You mean a 'DWIM' interface for wishes? What if you're only given one wish? Besides, even with that initial wish, something can go exactly as you had wished and still be a disaster for other people.
Well, in order for things to happen to other people, you would have had to have "wanted" something bad to happen to them, otherwise the Djinn wouldn't be honoring the "corrective" wish.

[evildave]

But if the djin was being the typical evil djin, wouldn't he come up with a way that your wishes are fulfilled, and cause disaster without your knowledge? Most wish granting, assuming transfer of existing assets from one location to another would cause problems. Secondly, you can't blame all bad outcomes on the djin, or you would no longer have free will, which allows for you to screw up as much as it allows you to do good.

The most interesting suggestion is to have the power to grant your own wishes, but perhaps combined with 'exactly as you wanted them to come out'. That might help reduce the workload. Of course, you'd have to word that wish awfully carefully. Language is an imprecise tool, and getting the initial wish 'just so' is important.

For instance, someone else might unwish your super powers. You might have to work that out. As well as the power to tweak/tune your super-power, and making sure there aren't any strings attached (like becomming a full-time enslaved djin yourself, or getting chained to answering prayers, or being somebody's agent, of other such traps).

It's still no guarantee you won't get pissed off, or just 'pissed' and wish something that you later regret. No matter how 'omnipotent' you are, there are probably limitations to your own creativity and resourcefulness to undo damage you inadvertently cause. Once you get a war started, how to you un-start it? What if you wake up from a dream, and that dream 'wished' changes into existence? How many such dreams might you have and not even notice?

Maybe some sort of 'cosmic save game' that lets you restore the universe's state to a previous point. Better make sure you have the power to make and unmake abd tweak such constructs, such that if there's a 'bug' in the way it works, you can work it out.

[TragicMonkey]

I cannot for the life of me recall where I read this, but there was a short story out there that had the three wishes situation. He used two, and the third he used to erase his own memory of ever having been granted the wishes. His thinking was that he'd otherwise spend the rest of his life kicking himself for not wishing different wishes, or feeling responsible for not saving them. I see his point--I'd feel really stupid if I wished for a billion dollars, then there was a post-WWI-Germany type depression, and a billion dollar became worth a penny.

The wishes could still backfire, but at least you wouldn't have to agonize over your own idiocy.

[Forty-Two]

Originally posted by Marquis de Carabas
While we're on the subject of Chick tracts, if any of you are unaware of this classic (http://www.humpin.org/mst3kdd/) parody, go have a good laugh.
Here's another (http://www.pvponline.com/rants_jesus.php3) parody of the same Chick tract from cartoonist Scott Kurtz (scroll down for the actual parody; it's prefaced by Kurtz's reasons for removing it from the main archive). :)

[AWPrime]

How fast does Chick make new tracts?

[Anathema]

Originally posted by Forty-Two
(scroll down for the actual parody; it's prefaced by Kurtz's reasons for removing it from the main archive). Yes, by all means, scroll down....that's an awful lot of navel-gazing for such an innocuous piece...

[Yaotl]

The PvP could have been much funnier. The MST3K was pretty good though. God how I hate Jack Chick.

[Beerina]

Originally posted by evildave
In the Chick forumula, whoever kisses up to his deity gets off scott free for whatever they have ever done (even multiple child rape/homicide) and goes to heaven, and good people burn in hell, because if there's one thing an omnipotent being who is infinitely secure in its position can't stand, it's not having people kiss its butt properly.

You win the Beerina(TM) Award for Cynicism(TM) for Thursday, 11 November, 2004! Well done!



P.S. This is a good thing.