Wise women

[jambo372]

How do you teel if someone ill will live or die ?

Collect the fat of a pig, rub some on the persons ankle and foot.
Attempt to feed the remainder to a dog.

The logical part : if the dog eats it they'll live if not they're sure to perish.

Flying ointment :
Collect the fat of a child, belladonna, cinquefoil, aconite, soot and water parsnip heat it and mix together. Rub on the wrists and fly to the sabbath. For the modern equivalent use belladonna alone with grapeseed or jojoba oil.

To see things others can't :
Mix the fat of a pig with goose grease and rub in the eyes.

I could try this.

[KelvinG]

You're reminding me how much I love bacon.

Mmmmm, bacon!

[jambo372]

Being an animal lover I might just stick to the updated version of the second suggestion.

[Atlas]

Originally posted by jambo372
How do you teel if someone ill will live or die ? I think if you drop the ill person from a great height (say 500 feet), head first onto a dry river bed filled with rocks...

If they land on their feet and walk away, they will live. Otherwise it looks bad.

(No pigs are harmed with this approach.)

[Donks]

Originally posted by jambo372
Collect the fat of a child...
Is that sort of thing legal were you live?

[Atlas]

Originally posted by Donks
Is that sort of thing legal were you live?
Liposuction??

[Soapy Sam]

Legal? The kids ate all the polis in Coatbridge years ago. It's a no-go area. Even the IRA can't get in.


To see things others can't :
Mix the fat of a pig with goose grease and rub in the eyes.

I think that would work. It would also stop you seeing all the things that others can

[wipeout]

Originally posted by Soapy Sam
Legal? The kids ate all the polis in Coatbridge years ago. It's a no-go area. Even the IRA can't get in.

I can see Coatbridge from here. Hundreds of little orange points of light near the horizon. I sure hope they're streetlights. :D

I also see the airspace above Britain's UFO capital, Bonnybridge and, funnily enough, I've never seen anything strange up there. ;)

[wipeout]

Originally posted by jambo372
Flying ointment :
Collect the fat of a child, belladonna, cinquefoil, aconite, soot and water parsnip heat it and mix together. Rub on the wrists and fly to the sabbath. For the modern equivalent use belladonna alone with grapeseed or jojoba oil.

Fly in ointment? :D

[kalen]

Originally posted by jambo372
I could try this.

What? Design a proper double blind procedure and collect enough data that your results are statistically significant.

Go right ahead.

But I don't want to hear about how it worked on the first two patients you tried it on before you got thrown out of the hospital.

[richardm]

Originally posted by jambo372
Flying ointment :
Collect the fat of a child, belladonna, cinquefoil, aconite, soot and water parsnip heat it and mix together. Rub on the wrists and fly to the sabbath. For the modern equivalent use belladonna alone with grapeseed or jojoba oil.


Isn't science wonderful? In the olden days you had to have loads of difficult-to-find ingredients to go flying. Now with the benefit of scientific endeavour it needs just two ingredients that are readily available.

Ah, the march of progress. Brilliant!

[Ashles]

How do you teel if someone ill will live or die ?

Collect the fat of a pig, rub some on the persons ankle and foot.
Attempt to feed the remainder to a dog.

The logical part : if the dog eats it they'll live if not they're sure to perish.

Flying ointment :
Collect the fat of a child, belladonna, cinquefoil, aconite, soot and water parsnip heat it and mix together. Rub on the wrists and fly to the sabbath. For the modern equivalent use belladonna alone with grapeseed or jojoba oil.

To see things others can't :
Mix the fat of a pig with goose grease and rub in the eyes.

I could try this.



:crazy:
Jambo's finally gone completely mad.

Although this one may be true:
"To see things others can't :
Mix the fat of a pig with goose grease and rub in the eyes."
I think this might work. After all how many other people in the world at the moment can see the inside of a layer of greasy smeared animal fat? I bet it would be a unique view.

Disclaimer for any children reading this post - Do not try any of these suggestions at home. Jambo is a dangerously unbalanced professional con-artist and nothing he says is to be trusted. Plus you will end up looking very stupid if you try these.

[Darat]

Originally posted by Soapy Sam
Legal? The kids ate all the polis in Coatbridge years ago. It's a no-go area. Even the IRA can't get in.


To see things others can't :
Mix the fat of a pig with goose grease and rub in the eyes.

I think that would work. It would also stop you seeing all the things that others can

Yeah but with the current lard shortage....

[Ashles]

Isn't science wonderful? In the olden days you had to have loads of difficult-to-find ingredients to go flying. Now with the benefit of scientific endeavour it needs just two ingredients that are readily available.
But it's true.

'belladonna alone with grapeseed or jojoba oil'
is EXACTLY as effective as
'the fat of a child, belladonna, cinquefoil, aconite, soot and water parsnip'
in helping you fly (but it's not as tasty).

[Ashles]

Did the post title remind anyone else of this:

Crone:
The wise woman! The Wise Woman! Two things must ye know about the wise woman. First, she... is... a... Woman! And second she...is...

Blackadder:
Wise?

Crone:
Oh, so you do know her then?

Blackadder:
No, just a wild stab in the dark, which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful.

[Starrman]

How do you teel if someone ill will live or die ?

I predict they will all die... Eventually.

[Dancing David]

Originally posted by jambo372
How do you teel if someone ill will live or die ?

Collect the fat of a pig, rub some on the persons ankle and foot.
Attempt to feed the remainder to a dog.

The logical part : if the dog eats it they'll live if not they're sure to perish.

Flying ointment :
Collect the fat of a child, belladonna, cinquefoil, aconite, soot and water parsnip heat it and mix together. Rub on the wrists and fly to the sabbath. For the modern equivalent use belladonna alone with grapeseed or jojoba oil.

To see things others can't :
Mix the fat of a pig with goose grease and rub in the eyes.

I could try this.

Be careful to not toxify yourself!

Drawing Down the Moon has a story where a modern shaman wannabe sends herself to the ER and learns a valuable lesson.
Be very careful and avoid all those psychoactives like belladonna and datura, there is also this stuff called hellbore that is in many flying ointments. The plane is much easier.

[jambo372]

Don't toxify yourself ... I thought intoxication was the aim of the whole thing.

I wouldn't take any deadly or toxic herbs internally anyway ... I once read about a similar case where these 2 men stopped breathing and nearly died after overdosing on Jimsonweed decoction they brewed themselves.

[Nex]

Originally posted by jambo372
Don't toxify yourself ... I thought intoxication was the aim of the whole thing.

I wouldn't take any deadly or toxic herbs internally anyway ... I once read about a similar case where these 2 men stopped breathing and nearly died after overdosing on Jimsonweed decoction they brewed themselves.
Internally or externally, jambo. It's amazing how much you can get into your bloodstream just by placing it on the skin.

Please don't land yourself in the emergency dept. for this.



This public service announcement was brought to you by the letters D, U, and H.

[Jaggy Bunnet]

Originally posted by wipeout
I can see Coatbridge from here. Hundreds of little orange points of light near the horizon. I sure hope they're streetlights. :D

I also see the airspace above Britain's UFO capital, Bonnybridge and, funnily enough, I've never seen anything strange up there. ;)

You've never seen anything strange in Bonnybridge? You haven't met the same folk that I have then!

[DangerousBeliefs]

Documentary on this flying potion business (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1573624101/qid=1101396879/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/103-7408188-4234209?v=glance&s=dvd&n=507846)

(With wonderful acting, I might add... simply oscar material)

[Ashles]

I love this enthusiastic reviewer:

"Julian Sands is superbly evil and Grant does an excellent job as the witchunter. The men really got into their roles!!There are few horror scenes, and I want to watch it again and again. Warlock:The Armageddon, haven't seen it but I'll bet it's as good as the first with Julian Sands in it. Warlock:The End of Innocence, don't know, might be good, but be even better with Julian Sands. "

Do you think they like Julian Sands?

[DangerousBeliefs]

Originally posted by Ashles
Do you think they like Julian Sands?

Look, Julian Sands was in such classics as Stephen King's Rose Red for crying out loud! The man knows how to pick the best roles.



(P.S. To Stephen King - I DEMAND THOSE SIX HOURS OF MY LIFE BACK. AND WHAT WAS WITH TOMMYKNOCKERS? THE BOOK WASN'T BAD ENOUGH? YOU HAD TO GO AND HIRE A PORN STAR IN THE LEAD? Make a movie from the short story "The Mist" and all is forgiven.)

[Ashles]

Make a movie from the short story "The Mist" and all is forgiven
I love the Mist! It's my favourite short story of his.

Why are they making 'The Secret Window' (dull, unoriginal) and 'Sometimes They Come Back' (awful) and 'The Langoliers' (No, no, no!) when 'The Mist' is available?

[jambo372]

Nex
The toxicity isn't a problem if you use sufficiently low doses.

[Nex]

Originally posted by jambo372
Nex
The toxicity isn't a problem if you use sufficiently low doses.
Well, the problem is finding and maintaining the low dose necessary to maintain intoxication without crossing the line into poisoning.

Like I said in the "Non Woo Woo Herbal" thread, each individual plant has varying levels of active chemical. This makes using belladonna extremely dangerous, as the amounts of atropine in one plant can be fairly low to moderate, while the plant right next to it could have very high levels.

Atropine isn't something to take chances with, Jambo. I'm saying this because I really don't want you to land yourself in the hospital or the grave. Please don't mess with belladonna.

If you trust witches to give good advice regarding herbs, then listen to this ex-greenwitch's advice, OK? I may not be a witch anymore, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten everything I've learned. ;)

[Pixel42]

Time to post this again.

It was prompted by a series on Channel 4 about the worst jobs in history, fronted by Tony Robinson (Baldrick from Blackadder).

The UK Guardian had a tie-in article describing some of these jobs, and giving their modern-day equivalents.

Wise Woman

Medieval man's staggering failure to equate ill health with the fact that he never washed ensured that insidious quackery became a popular alternative to common sense. In times of sickness it was to the laughably mistitled "wise woman" that the stupid most frequently turned, her numerous roles - "midwife, agony aunt, district nurse", etc - offering reassurance and an array of preposterous "cures", even though she was, in fact, as qualified to practise medicine as the average carpet and almost certainly mad as a pig. Still, the crone was nothing if not resourceful, with a treatment cabinet that contained everything from live eels (rubbed on warts and then buried), nettles (battered across pensioners' knees to "reduce aching joints") and worms (strung together and worn around the neck to "cure" sore throats). All cracking fun, unless, of course, her "cures" failed to appease her community, in which case they forced her to drag a massive iron gate across the village before drowning her as a witch.
Today's equivalent: alternative health practitioner

[Zep]

Originally posted by jambo372
How do you teel if someone ill will live or die ?

Collect the fat of a pig, rub some on the persons ankle and foot.
Attempt to feed the remainder to a dog.

The logical part : if the dog eats it they'll live if not they're sure to perish.

Flying ointment :
Collect the fat of a child, belladonna, cinquefoil, aconite, soot and water parsnip heat it and mix together. Rub on the wrists and fly to the sabbath. For the modern equivalent use belladonna alone with grapeseed or jojoba oil.

To see things others can't :
Mix the fat of a pig with goose grease and rub in the eyes.

I could try this. Jambo, do you see under your name to the left there the words "critical thinker"? Well, you are indeed "critical". Critically in need of laying off the wacky-weed while posting. Give it a try, OK? There are better uses for these electrons than responding to you hallucinogen-inspired tripe.

[jambo372]

You can't get Atropine without a prescription can you ?

PS I haven't been using reefers.

[Nex]

Originally posted by jambo372
You can't get Atropine without a prescription can you?
In its pure form, you can't get it unless you have a prescription, so you're right on that count.
Atropine is a naturally occurring chemical in the atropa belladonna plant.

Atropine increases heartrate and can cause tachycardia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tachycardia). Not exactly something enjoyable. Definetly not something to mess around with.




*edited to add link*

[wipeout]

Originally posted by Jaggy Bunnet
You've never seen anything strange in Bonnybridge? You haven't met the same folk that I have then!

I can only judge the airspace above the town, what lurks on or near ground-level is unknown to me. :D

[Lothian]

Originally posted by Ashles
Did the post title remind anyone else of this:

Crone:
The wise woman! The Wise Woman! Two things must ye know about the wise woman. First, she... is... a... Woman! And second she...is...

Blackadder:
Wise?

Crone:
Oh, so you do know her then?

Blackadder:
No, just a wild stab in the dark, which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Yes, and I was going to post the same. Git.