c4ts
31st August 2005, 10:07 PM
THIS WAS YOUR LIFE
(A fabulously well-to-do midde-class citizen sits on the couch, reading the paper, smoking his corncob pipe. The Grim Reaper shows up behind him.)
REAPER: So I was in the neighborhood when I heard you had heart problems.
MAN: What heart problems?
(The reaper touches him and the man suddenly dies of a heart attack.)
REAPER: I love this job.
(The funeral takes place above the man's buried corpse.)
MOURNER: He was a good man...
(Voice sample from Altered Beast: "Rise from your grave!")
(The man ascends from the grave, completely nude. He is carried up to Heaven.)
MAN: Wait, what's happening? Whose idea was it to fly me around in front of everybody with no clothes on?
(An angel greets him)
ANGEL: Come, you have an appointment.
MAN: Judgement? Oh no!
(They fly through space)
MAN: Oh look, there's heaven, there's purgatory, and that's hell.
ANGEL: There is your destination!
MAN: Wait, I've never seen that place before... Ack! I'm being kidnapped!
(They sit down on a bench in a waiting room.)
???: Next!
(The man is brought into Hyper Nonsense World, before the throne of Elzoob!)
MAN: Wait, what is this, who are you?
ANGEL: I have no f***in' clue. In you go!
(He kicks the man into a movie theater.)
ELZOOB: REVIEW HIS LIFE!!!
(The man sees himself on screen as a baby.)
MAN: Oh, there I am as a baby.
ANGEL: Violation number one! Here you are using three of your eleven fingers when we specified twenty-two!
MAN: But I'm sleeping in that shot!
ANGEL: You should have thought about that before you decided to touch your right elbow with the palm of your right hand!
MAN: But...
ANGEL: There you are as a teenager. Can you see what you are doing wrong?
MAN (on screen): ...I'm going to tell you about the dirtiest story...
MAN: Uh... I'm telling rude jokes.
ANGEL: Wrong! You're spending time with friends when you should be off shocking your own balls and rubbing tabasco sauce into your eyes while speaking backwards in Mandarin Chinese!
MAN: WHAT??
(A montage follows. The sins described are: Wearing a Red Shirt on Tuesday, Playing Basketball at Exactly 2:04 p.m, Putting Shoe on Foot Instead of Head, Parallel Parking at Less Than 200 mph, Looking Out of an Airplane Window while in Taxicab, Picking Nose Without Teleportation Attempt, Ignoring the Remote Possibility of Rocket Teeth Implants, Appearing Nude With Clothes On, Refusing Sex With Linguini, Failure to Tape Live Rodent to Forehead in Glorious Combat, Speaking to Rotarians Who Wear Socks, etc...)
MAN: Why didn't someone warn me about all this?
(Eventually, the screen shows the man eating soup. He hangs the spoon on his nose.)
MAN: Look, there I am at the age of 30 doing something assinine. See? Isn't that what you want?
ANGEL: We shall see. Here you are with a bowl of alphabet soup!
MAN: Oh, you have something against that too? Why wasn't I warned of this evil?
ANGEL: No! You were doing the right thing, but Elzoob sent you everything you needed to know in that bowl and instead you ATE IT!! You defiled Elzoob's scrambled message! And here you are 24 years before that, throwing away the official decoder ring!
MAN: That's me petting a dog.
ANGEL: Don't you see?? The dog was the ring, and you threw it away!
MAN (crying): Oh no, what can I say? Without Elzoob I'm lost! Lost without hope! I'm a guilty parasite! Guilty!
(Suddenly they're back in the throne room.)
ELZOOB: Turn on my Pocket Secretary and check my to-do list!
(The angel checks it.)
ANGEL: His name does not appear when we apply the DaVinci Code and reverse the order of the letters.
ELZOOB: Throw him into the Sumo Pit!
MAN: No! No!
(The angel throws him into the Sumo Pit)
MAN: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
THIS CAN BE YOUR LIFE
Unless...
(Shot of the man running through the middle of freeway traffic, leeches all over his body, stabbing himself in the eardrum with a letter opener. He high-fives the Grim Reaper and goes to Hyper Nonsense World.)
ELZOOB: Well done, my servant. You get a free pass to Plastic Happy World. Have a nice day.
ELZOOB SAYS THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY INTO PLASTIC HAPPY WORLD!!!
Just follow these simple directions:
1. iasdfjadsidsanhioasfjkmzvcxuiseuiowefjk
2. iuasuhadbhjismcykaonfgyskjdmasufk
3. ufadndkxcuyskaogtdjhyasksynehydfrsjgnsikaujftrfksu
4. aaawkapfhyrmsowutyjdygnjsypagppfsency
5. wjgyrysjhhyuaaofjakhuoooxhrfauooodofgjaldlee
Oh, and send Shemp money so he can show up at your house.
(A fabulously well-to-do midde-class citizen sits on the couch, reading the paper, smoking his corncob pipe. The Grim Reaper shows up behind him.)
REAPER: So I was in the neighborhood when I heard you had heart problems.
MAN: What heart problems?
(The reaper touches him and the man suddenly dies of a heart attack.)
REAPER: I love this job.
(The funeral takes place above the man's buried corpse.)
MOURNER: He was a good man...
(Voice sample from Altered Beast: "Rise from your grave!")
(The man ascends from the grave, completely nude. He is carried up to Heaven.)
MAN: Wait, what's happening? Whose idea was it to fly me around in front of everybody with no clothes on?
(An angel greets him)
ANGEL: Come, you have an appointment.
MAN: Judgement? Oh no!
(They fly through space)
MAN: Oh look, there's heaven, there's purgatory, and that's hell.
ANGEL: There is your destination!
MAN: Wait, I've never seen that place before... Ack! I'm being kidnapped!
(They sit down on a bench in a waiting room.)
???: Next!
(The man is brought into Hyper Nonsense World, before the throne of Elzoob!)
MAN: Wait, what is this, who are you?
ANGEL: I have no f***in' clue. In you go!
(He kicks the man into a movie theater.)
ELZOOB: REVIEW HIS LIFE!!!
(The man sees himself on screen as a baby.)
MAN: Oh, there I am as a baby.
ANGEL: Violation number one! Here you are using three of your eleven fingers when we specified twenty-two!
MAN: But I'm sleeping in that shot!
ANGEL: You should have thought about that before you decided to touch your right elbow with the palm of your right hand!
MAN: But...
ANGEL: There you are as a teenager. Can you see what you are doing wrong?
MAN (on screen): ...I'm going to tell you about the dirtiest story...
MAN: Uh... I'm telling rude jokes.
ANGEL: Wrong! You're spending time with friends when you should be off shocking your own balls and rubbing tabasco sauce into your eyes while speaking backwards in Mandarin Chinese!
MAN: WHAT??
(A montage follows. The sins described are: Wearing a Red Shirt on Tuesday, Playing Basketball at Exactly 2:04 p.m, Putting Shoe on Foot Instead of Head, Parallel Parking at Less Than 200 mph, Looking Out of an Airplane Window while in Taxicab, Picking Nose Without Teleportation Attempt, Ignoring the Remote Possibility of Rocket Teeth Implants, Appearing Nude With Clothes On, Refusing Sex With Linguini, Failure to Tape Live Rodent to Forehead in Glorious Combat, Speaking to Rotarians Who Wear Socks, etc...)
MAN: Why didn't someone warn me about all this?
(Eventually, the screen shows the man eating soup. He hangs the spoon on his nose.)
MAN: Look, there I am at the age of 30 doing something assinine. See? Isn't that what you want?
ANGEL: We shall see. Here you are with a bowl of alphabet soup!
MAN: Oh, you have something against that too? Why wasn't I warned of this evil?
ANGEL: No! You were doing the right thing, but Elzoob sent you everything you needed to know in that bowl and instead you ATE IT!! You defiled Elzoob's scrambled message! And here you are 24 years before that, throwing away the official decoder ring!
MAN: That's me petting a dog.
ANGEL: Don't you see?? The dog was the ring, and you threw it away!
MAN (crying): Oh no, what can I say? Without Elzoob I'm lost! Lost without hope! I'm a guilty parasite! Guilty!
(Suddenly they're back in the throne room.)
ELZOOB: Turn on my Pocket Secretary and check my to-do list!
(The angel checks it.)
ANGEL: His name does not appear when we apply the DaVinci Code and reverse the order of the letters.
ELZOOB: Throw him into the Sumo Pit!
MAN: No! No!
(The angel throws him into the Sumo Pit)
MAN: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
THIS CAN BE YOUR LIFE
Unless...
(Shot of the man running through the middle of freeway traffic, leeches all over his body, stabbing himself in the eardrum with a letter opener. He high-fives the Grim Reaper and goes to Hyper Nonsense World.)
ELZOOB: Well done, my servant. You get a free pass to Plastic Happy World. Have a nice day.
ELZOOB SAYS THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY INTO PLASTIC HAPPY WORLD!!!
Just follow these simple directions:
1. iasdfjadsidsanhioasfjkmzvcxuiseuiowefjk
2. iuasuhadbhjismcykaonfgyskjdmasufk
3. ufadndkxcuyskaogtdjhyasksynehydfrsjgnsikaujftrfksu
4. aaawkapfhyrmsowutyjdygnjsypagppfsency
5. wjgyrysjhhyuaaofjakhuoooxhrfauooodofgjaldlee
Oh, and send Shemp money so he can show up at your house.