All dogs DON'T go to heaven

[shalomsteph]

I got this in an email...thought I would share. :)

Dear Pastor,

I am 8-years old and I am so sad now cause my dog, Scruffy is awfully sick. The pet doctor told my mom that Scruffy has only a few weeks to live because he has a bunch of cancers everwhere. The doctor told my mom that I am gonna see Scruffy when I get to heaven, but she told me that my doctor is not saved, so that I will write to you and ask you the real answer about Scruffy because you know.

Pastor, I love Scruffy so much! I have been trying so much every day not to cry, but when I look at his eyes, he is so sad! My poor dog is in so much pain with his cancers. Is Scruffy going to go to Heaven, Pastor? Will I get to see him again?

Timothy Galvin - Age 8
Freehold, Iowa



Dear Timmy,

It always breaks my heart when I have to answer a question like this. I understand your concern, but I won't lie to you. According to the Bible, there will be no animals in heaven except for horses. And those horses, the book of Revelation tells us, will be used solely as a means of transportation. Scripture tells us that horses will sprout wings and will be able to fly at high speeds. We'll fly too, Timmy - but the horses will probably fly faster, which is why Jesus is going to keep them around.

As True Christians™ we can only speculate why God doesn't find it necessary to populate heaven with dogs, cats, cows, chickens and other creatures. Most likely it is because we won't need food when we get to Heaven. Using Bible logic, we have to assume that there are going to be a whole mess of folks in Hell and most of them will be Chinese, since they never had the luxury of hearing about Jesus. People in hell will need food to sustain them through an eternity of torture at the hands of the loving God they rejected. As we understand it, Chinese folks love to eat dogs. I'm sorry, Timmy - it is a hard sight to take in, but in a few weeks little Scruffy will be savagely ripped to shreds, as will countless other pooches, at the blood-stained hands of starving, godless Chinamen as they are beaten and sodomized by demons on the desolate shores of the Lake of Fire. My guess is that those shores will be piled high with the rotting bone-picked carcasses of every household pet there ever was.

I hope this helps.

Your friend and Pastor,

Deacon Fred

[Johnny Pixels]

It's a good thing my dog went of to live on a farm when he got sick. He's all better now, but I can't go to see him because he lives a long way away and he helps the farmer out with all kinds of stuff, so he's very busy.

[Ryokan]

Mu.

[Terry]

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0106/petsinheaven.html

[shalomsteph]

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0106/petsinheaven.html

COOL SITE!!! THANKS!!!

[Ralph]

You read one of these Landover Baptist parodys,laugh a little,....and think "well--even the christian fundies aren't really this vicious".

Try reading one of the "Do children go to heaven?" threads over at Rapture Ready. (Any one will do---they all seem to go the same way.)

Some fundie mom with kids gets nervous about the rapture coming since there was an earthquake half-way around the globe and decides she needs some internet reassurance that little Samuel & Rachel will be joining them when jesus calls them home.

Inevitably--some ****off with hellfire blowing out his nose will reply (with the usual formidable array of bible quotes backing his stance) that no---they may in fact NOT be raptured if all the "T's" aren't properly crossed and all the "i's" dotted.

These self-righteous arseholes seem to take absolute delight in letting some poor scared parents know that the God of "Gotcha's" really loves you---but he's not letting a small child off the hook just because he's a child.






These

[shalomsteph]

You read one of these Landover Baptist parodys,laugh a little,....and think "well--even the christian fundies aren't really this vicious".

Try reading one of the "Do children go to heaven?" threads over at Rapture Ready. (Any one will do---they all seem to go the same way.)

Some fundie mom with kids gets nervous about the rapture coming since there was an earthquake half-way around the globe and decides she needs some internet reassurance that little Samuel & Rachel will be joining them when jesus calls them home.

Inevitably--some ****off with hellfire blowing out his nose will reply (with the usual formidable array of bible quotes backing his stance) that no---they may in fact NOT be raptured if all the "T's" aren't properly crossed and all the "i's" dotted.

These self-righteous arseholes seem to take absolute delight in letting some poor scared parents know that the God of "Gotcha's" really loves you---but he's not letting a small child off the hook just because he's a child.






These

(Spewing Pepsi) Is-this-site-supposed-to-be-serious??? I am afraid. Very afraid...if this is real, these people need medication and fast. And if there were a just God, he would have stopped them from breeding...

[Ralph]

(Spewing Pepsi) Is-this-site-supposed-to-be-serious??? I am afraid. Very afraid...if this is real, these people need medication and fast. And if there were a just God, he would have stopped them from breeding...


Landover Baptist is a parody.

Rapture Ready is not.

It can be hard to tell the difference at times.

[Interesting Ian]

Is Scruffy going to go to Heaven, Pastor? Will I get to see him again?



He's as likely to see Scruffy as anyone else he loves. Dogs are just as likely or unlikely to go to Heaven as human beings. I know of no argument which indicates otherwise.

[KingMerv00]

He's as likely to see Scruffy as anyone else he loves. Dogs are just as likely or unlikely to go to Heaven as human beings. I know of no argument which indicates otherwise.

The Bible silly.

More seriously, people like to separate themselves from animals. We try to see ourselves as more alive and more amazing than the world around us. I mean if you let dogs into heaven, what about lobsters? Ants? Bacteria? Viruses? Prions? Rocks? Individual atoms? Neutrons? Quarks?

You have to draw the line somewhere, right? They choose to draw it at our species.

[Miggins]

I`ve told my kids that all animals, from elephants to germs, go to their own special heaven when they die, where they frolick around all day long doing the things they liked to to best when they were alive. This has led to some sticky questions from my daughter however i.e `what about vampire bats?
What about the mice for the cats in cat heaven? do plants go to heaven as well?` I don`t know do I? I made the whole thing up!
I think dog heaven must be a lot of parks and rubbish dumps, with plenty of lamp posts and Postmen. Perhaps they are naughty Postmen.
I wonder what amputated limb heaven would look like?

[Jon.]

He's as likely to see Scruffy as anyone else he loves. Dogs are just as likely or unlikely to go to Heaven as human beings. I know of no argument which indicates otherwise.

Y'know what? I actually agree. There is just as much evidence that dogs go to heaven as there is that humans go to heaven.

None.

Claims that can be made without evidence can be dismissed without evidence.

[Solus]

Wow for moment I thought the posting was real I getting sick to my stomach :eek: I've seen the sight before nice satire.

AND ALL DOGS DO GO TO HEAVEN YOU EVIL PEOPLE!!! :wink:

[bruto]

He's as likely to see Scruffy as anyone else he loves. Dogs are just as likely or unlikely to go to Heaven as human beings. I know of no argument which indicates otherwise.

You actually know of no argument which indicates otherwise? EEEEEgad! don't get out much, do ya?

[Morris Cod]

errr... slight derail here....the God hates fags website....That IS a parody...right???

[Rolfe]

No.

Rolfe.

[Morris Cod]

Now I'm REALLY scared.

[Soapy Sam]

Tony Blair hates fags too.
And Jack McConnell.*

ie *Both hate fags. Though I acknowledge the ambiguity.

Must say it's nice to be able to get drunk without getting lung cancer.

[Miggins]

Tony Blair hates fags too.
And Jack McConnell.*

ie *Both hate fags. Though I acknowledge the ambiguity.

Must say it's nice to be able to get drunk without getting lung cancer.

I disagree. I think you should be allowed to have a fag in a pub if you want to, a drink without a fag is like an egg without salt, or a fish without a bicycle, depending on your gender. I hope this has confused our American cousins suitably.
Passive smokers are just jealous because they havent got the guts to go all the way, so they stand around in pubs looking dissapproving and stealing our nicotine.

[veggie doll]

errr... slight derail here....the God hates fags website....That IS a parody...right???
No, it's not. At least, those who frequent the site don't seem to think so- i.e angry Christian homophobes with "God Hates Fags" bumper stickers.

Anyway, don't religious people generally consider non-human animals to not even have souls? Isn't that the reason why eating them isn't breaking the 'thou shalt not kill' commandment?
Why would anybody, especially bible bashing types, think that dogs could get into heaven?

[Nex]

< derail >

Anyway, don't religious people generally consider non-human animals to not even have souls? I think that's mostly within the Abrahamic faiths. For example, religious Hindus and Buddhists believe animals do have souls.

< /derail >

[AnotherSillyAlias]

Frankly, if my horses and my dogs aren't going to heaven, it sounds like a truly [rule 8] up place and I don't want to go there.

Thank you very much.

[Dr Adequate]

Bart: Isn't there a doggy hell?

Homer: Well of course there is son. Hmm... That's where Hitler's dog went. And Nixon's too. Chester...

Lisa: Checkers, Dad.

Homer: And the bad Lassie. The one that bit Timmy.

[veggie doll]

Bart: Isn't there a doggy hell?

Homer: Well of course there is son. Hmm... That's where Hitler's dog went. And Nixon's too. Chester...

Lisa: Checkers, Dad.

Homer: And the bad Lassie. The one that bit Timmy.
There's always a Simpsons quote relevant to anything. :)

[Crispy Duck]

This is a good demonstration of how absolutes can lead to paradoxes. Start with the assumption that there is a heaven, and that, as per the Bible, it's a perfect place where everyone's happy, all wordly troubles are gone, etc. My Mum hates dogs, so in her perfect heaven, there'd be no dogs. Other people, so I'm told, love dogs, so in their perfect heaven there'd be loads of dogs. Therefore, either we all get our own solitary-confinement-for-the-rest-of-eternity heaven, or else there is no heaven.

[veggie doll]

This is a good demonstration of how absolutes can lead to paradoxes. Start with the assumption that there is a heaven, and that, as per the Bible, it's a perfect place where everyone's happy, all wordly troubles are gone, etc. My Mum hates dogs, so in her perfect heaven, there'd be no dogs. Other people, so I'm told, love dogs, so in their perfect heaven there'd be loads of dogs. Therefore, either we all get our own solitary-confinement-for-the-rest-of-eternity heaven, or else there is no heaven.
I get the idea that there is just one general Heaven, and if all the white robes and pearly gates and non-existance of sinning isn't your idea of Heaven, well, you're probably not the Christ loving type who will to end up there anyway.

Supposedly we should feel so enthralled to be blessed with eternal life that we would not be so petty as to think of Dogs and the like.

[Psi Baba]

I`ve told my kids that all animals, from elephants to germs, go to their own special heaven when they die, where they frolick around all day long doing the things they liked to to best when they were alive. This has led to some sticky questions from my daughter however i.e `what about vampire bats?
What about the mice for the cats in cat heaven? do plants go to heaven as well?` I don`t know do I? I made the whole thing up!
I think dog heaven must be a lot of parks and rubbish dumps, with plenty of lamp posts and Postmen. Perhaps they are naughty Postmen.
I wonder what amputated limb heaven would look like?
I thought pets went to the Rainbow BridgeTM when they die. They do, don't they? :(

[ZirconBlue]

Maybe each soul gets it's own little holodeck.

[Miggins]

My goldfish died yesterday. I hope he didn`t go to fishermans heaven. It was a burial at sea for him, ie: flushed down the toilet, I think it was what he would have wanted. He had a good life, old Splodge, and lived to be 10 years old, which I understand is quite good for a goldfish.
I won him at a fairground, ever so romantic.
I wonder if we are a bit like him, too stupid to realise what is happening to us. I suppose to Splodge, I was God, I fed him, changed his water, fished him out occasionally with a giant hand. I dont doubt that he looked at the misty shapes beyond his tank with a wistful `how will we ever know?` air.
Perhaps we are all pets of some omnipotent God. If we`re lucky, we get a kindly one, like me, and if we`re not we get a cruel one who doesn`t change our water regularly.
Poor old Splodge.

[gnome]

Landover Baptist is a parody.

Rapture Ready is not.

It can be hard to tell the difference at times.

Ok... we seriously need a "Landover Baptist or Rapture Ready" quote challenge...

[Joe Random]

Ok... we seriously need a "Landover Baptist or Rapture Ready" quote challenge...


If for no other reason than to help slide the h*meop*thy threads off page 1, here's a start :

"The Internet is currently filled with pornography, terrorism, and the occult. Internet-based ministries, given a good ad campaign, would be really successful. Imagine someone looking for naughty pics online, and instead stumbling on a Christian site, finding the Lord through you. "


Landover Baptist or Rapture Ready?

[Grounded]

This is a good demonstration of how absolutes can lead to paradoxes. Start with the assumption that there is a heaven, and that, as per the Bible, it's a perfect place where everyone's happy, all wordly troubles are gone, etc. My Mum hates dogs, so in her perfect heaven, there'd be no dogs. Other people, so I'm told, love dogs, so in their perfect heaven there'd be loads of dogs. Therefore, either we all get our own solitary-confinement-for-the-rest-of-eternity heaven, or else there is no heaven.
Maybe the lack of hate in a perfect place would allow her to tolerate dogs? (I know, it's a stretch...)

[Miggins]

To quote W.C Fields, anyone who hates dogs and children can`t be all bad.

[Nucular]

If for no other reason than to help slide the h*meop*thy threads off page 1, here's a start :

"The Internet is currently filled with pornography, terrorism, and the occult. Internet-based ministries, given a good ad campaign, would be really successful. Imagine someone looking for naughty pics online, and instead stumbling on a Christian site, finding the Lord through you. "


Landover Baptist or Rapture Ready?
Ummm, I think RR.

[gnome]

I'm guessing Landover Baptist, actually