God's Own Fan Fic: The New Gospels

[evildave]

In the Halls Of Heaven, God looks down at the Earth. "Jesus Christ! Where could that kid be?"

Hands drop over God's eyes... "Guess who?"

"Jesus."

"How'd you guess?"

"Let's just say I could see right through."

"What did you want me for, Dad?"

"Well, I've decided that it's Rapture time again. Satan's got George W. Bush installed as the antichrist ..."

"Oh no! I voted for that guy! Some way to pay me back."

"Yeah, had us all fooled. A real masterpiece, that guy. Anyway, warm up the transubstantiator and get ready to beam nekked people out of airplane pilot seats!"

"OK, Dad!"

[c4ts]

Meanwhile, Satan appears in the Oval Office for the thousanth time....

SATAN: Bwaaaahahahah! I have returned!

DUBYA (kneels): What is thy bidding, my master?

SATAN (checking his PDA): You've already declared war... that's one. And you let the economy collapse, causing famine... that's number two on the list. But the you still have pestilence and death left. I'm sorry, but you can't take credit for SARS.

DUBYA: Well what if I blow my nose into my hand and shake hands with world leaders? Won't that be plague?

SATAN: No, that would be stupid.

DUBYA: How about I-

SATAN: No.

DUBYA: But if-

SATAN: No.

DUBYA: Let me finish my se-

SATAN: NO!

DUBYA: Alright mister smarty pants, how are you going to start a plague?

SATAN: First of all, I'm not wearing pants. I'm the Devil, I don't need to. I can run around in the streets and NOBODY is going to arrest a big naked red guy with a pitchfork that shoots fireballs! Indecent exposure is just ONE of the many crimes I can commit with ease!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHHAHAH! What was I talking about?

DUBYA: Plague.

SATAN: Uh... right. Plague. Listen up, you don't want the vice president to hear about this one. (whispers in Dubya's ear)

DUBYA: So what's supposed to happen after we make condoms illegal?

SATAN: That was the plan, you imbicile!

DUBYA: Yes, but after that.

SATAN: There is no "after that."

DUBYA: So the world is supposed to end right after we pass the law?

SATAN (banging his head against the wall): Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid...

[evildave]

Jesus presses the transubstantiator for the hundredth time. "Gee, it usually works with wine and crackers... Daddy!"

"What now, Jesus?"

"The device to beam our favorites off the Earth isn't working right. I set it to 'Totally righteous', and nobody's beaming up.

"Hmm. Well, try setting it to 'Self Righteous' and let me know how it goes."

"Sure, Pop!"

[Sindai]

Seconds later, Gabriel peeked in.

"Hey...guys?"

"What is it, Gabriel?" Spake the Lord.

"Well, something weird has happened." The angel paused for a moment, looked over his shoulder and out over Heaven, and then said: "We've got all of these people out here all of a sudden..."

[Jethro]

I thought fan fics were written by fans?

Though the fans of this particular story probably wouldn't want to write fan fics. I suppose that's one thing Christians have going for them. There's no danger of seeing Judas/Jesus slash.

[BroodingSkill]

Bwhahahaha.... this is great, I'm entranced, when's the next installment?

[c4ts]

(Jesus transubstantiates into the body of a Chinese baptist on vacation in Hong Kong. He finds himself standing in the middle of a crowded marketplace holding on to a skinned and roasted dog.)

JESUS (in Aramaic, with subtitles): Is this food or somebody's pet? I don't want to eat this!

(A little kid runs by)

JESUS: Here kid. You can have it.

KID (in Chinese, with subtitles): OOoh, tourists! Free food! Free food! (grabs the dog and runs away)

JESUS (in Aramaic): Aren't you at least going to thank me?
(Jesus realizes he is holding on to another dog, mysteriously)

JESUS: Not this again...

(Kid comes back with a mob of starving orphans. They knock him down, pile on top of him, and run off cheering with a roasted dog each. Jesus finds he is still holding on to a roasted dog. He tries putting it down, but magically he is holding on to another one.)

JESUS: Well, maybe if I just leave as quietly as possible.

(Jesus pushes his way into the middle of a crowd and tries to walk out of the marketplace with them. A band of Ninja Orphans spots him. One shoots a blow dart at his neck, but Jesus blocks it with his dog meat.)

(The Ninja Orphans knock the crowd out of the way in pursuit of Jesus. They corner him by a fruit stand, but Jesus defends himself by throwing roasted dogs at them. He knocks a ninja into the fruit stand, causing the stand to collapse and spill fruit everywhere. Jesus runs off in the confusion.)

FRUIT STAND GUY: Curse you morons! Always crashing into my fruit stand!

(Jesus is walking through an alley, calmly. The ninjas run past him in the background, and he smiles. But suddenly, someone throws a smoke bomb and the ninja orphans reappear.)

NINJA ORPHAN: There he is! Get him! Get him!

(Jesus notices a street performer doing a fire swallowing act and a woman carrying two buckets of water, one on each side of a pole. Reacting quickly, he takes one of the buckets, causing the woman to lose her balance and spill the other bucket. He turns the water into wine, then takes a flaming torch from the fire swallower and ignites it. As the ninjas get closer, he flings burning alcohol at them.)

NINJAS: Aaaaaiiiiiiieeeee! (A few of the ninjas go down in flames, clawing at their eyes.)

JESUS: I am the way, the light, and the truth, biatch! (Realizes that more ninjas are still after him.) I'm getting too old for this.

(The ninja orphans chase Jesus all the way to the dock. They throw ninja stars at him, but he dodges some, and blocks others with his roasted dog. Two ninjas on motorcycles come out from two alleys, jumping over dumpsters and flinging litter everywhere. They stop on a turn to line up in Jesus's general direction. One biker twirls a chain. The other flings a sour melon at Jesus. He misses, and both the bikers try to ram Jesus at the same time. Jesus jumps off the dock. He hits the water as though it were solid ground, and ducks. The motorcycles pass right over his head and fall into the water.)

BIKER: Foreign devil! (Drowns)
OTHER BIKER: I wish I had a chain instead of a melon! (Drowns)

JESUS: That's it, I'm going to a country where they speak a language I can understand! Stupid tower of Babel. (Runs across the water faster than humanly possible.)

(Jesus runs for a while, then pauses to catch his breath. Moses appears behind him, floating in midair.)

MOSES: Jesus!

JESUS: AAAH! (Turns around) Moses, you scared me. (Sees that Moses is flying) How did you learn to fly like that?

MOSES: I didn't learn to fly, but there's a really complicated pulley system involved. Some of the angels have been experimenting with ether lately and this is the best they could come up with...

JESUS: Spare me the details. Why are you here?

MOSES: Because the devil's minions are everywhere, but really because God saw you were in trouble and thought you needed back up. He didn't want another crusifixion incident.

JESUS: Sounds like Him all right. He's never around when I need him, aaaaalways too busy with his universe.

MOSES: It's not that bad. I had a deadbeat for a dad myself.

JESUS: No you didn't! You had Pharaoh. He practically spoiled you.

MOSES: Yeah, but my real dad was a... (there is the sound of motorboats speeding toward Jesus and Moses) what's that sound?

JESUS: Speedboats! Run!

(Four speedboats with machine guns mouned in front, manned by guys in polyester pinstripe suits, enter the scene. An Apache hellicopter is with them. Jesus runs away, and Moses makes a bunch of hand signals at the sky, pointing in the direction where Jesus fled. He swings away in the nick of time.)

JESUS: Faster, they're gaining on us.

MOSES: If I go any faster, my cable will break!

(The motorboat gunners fire at them, churning up the water where the bullets fall.)

JESUS: That's it, we're doomed.

MOSES: Stand back, I'll handle this!

(Moses points his staff at the speedboats. The ocean parts, and the boats fall down to the bottom. He raises his staff, and the walls of water come crashing down.)

JESUS: What about the hellicopter?

MOSES: No problem.

(Moses twirls his staff and points it at the hellicopter. A cloud of locusts comes out of nowhere and hits the chopper's windshield, ruining visibility and getting sliced to peices in the blades. The hellicopter spins out of control and crashes, exploding as it hits the surface of the ocean.)

MOSES: Thou shalt not f*ck with the Messiah!

JESUS: We'd better get going. There could be more of them.

MOSES: This should throw them off. (Points his staff at the sun. There is a sudden, unexplained solar eclipse.)

JESUS: I wish I could do that.

MOSES: I bet you do. Where are you headed?

JESUS: America. The land that God forgot. I'm supposed to fight the Devil there.

MOSES: This is gonna a looooong walk. But not for me. Heh heh.

JESUS: Tablet dropper.

MOSES: What was that?

JESUS: Nothing. Let's get out of here.

[evildave]

Meanwhile, back in Heaven, there's no room to move.

"Maybe I should've been a little specific with those instructions."

God's stuck. Everyone's bowing and scraping so much, he can't even get to the bathroom.

Armies of televangelists and their followers are running around naked, some of them jeering at the people who were left behind. One of them, within earshot of God screams over the edge of a cloud "Ha! I told you you'd be LEFT BEHIND! Now I'll see you ALL in HELL!". God gives him a little shove and off he goes. God mutters, "Up close and personal."

"Well, that's a little more space. HEY! All you lot get out of my way, or meet the same fate!"

This was new to the believers. They thought if they got into Heaven, they'd be "in". Apparently NOT. This set off even more fits of prostration and fevered worship, begging forgiveness and other silly behavior as the throngs each tried to kiss God's ass in better, more improved ways, so as NOT to get pushed off.

"Once upon a time, I thought I liked this. But it's just annoying. THE NEXT BUGGER TO BEG FORGIVENESS GOES STRAIGHT TO HELL!"

In unison, nearly all of them said "Sorry", and Heaven was nearly deserted.

[evildave]

God surveyed the damage briefly, and got a few cherubs and angels busy with brooms. A few timid naked true believers who hadn't been paying close enough attention were looking for places to hide out, and a few of the more modest ones were looking for something to cover themselves with.

"Well, that was quick. Let's see what's happening on Earth."

God looked down on the chaos that always reigned on Earth, and found it hadn't been much changed. The talking heads were busy blaming "terrorists" on the airplanes and other modes of transportation crashing, but having little luck with the empty clothes, uniforms and such. Some of them even put 2 and 2 together and were talking about the curious disappearance of fundies, and how refreshing it was to sleep in on the weekends knowing some doomsday nut wouldn't be pounding on their door. Insurance claims were going through, and a lot of unemployment became a minor workforce shortage.

All the while, a new batch of fundies was stirring up some new religion based on a "third chance".

God wandered over to the tansubstantiator and set the controls for Hell. He decided He'd save Himself a step the next time and just send them where they wouldn't be HIS problem.


Meanwhile in Hell, things got a LOT worse for everyone. Now the faithful were busy trying to convert the heathens in Hell. Old habits die hard. The first thing that occurred to them was to knock on everyone's door at 6:00am.

Satan was a little miffed the fifteenth time some nekked fundies showed up with some religious tracts scratched onto brimstone, asking if he'd found Jesus.

[c4ts]

Back on Earth, Jesus had been found, accompanied by Moses. Unfortunately, the only person who found Jesus was the Devil himself...

(Satan is peering into a crystal ball paperweight on the President's desk. The image of Jesus and Moses crossing the ocean appears inside it.)

SATAN: First Hell fills up, and now this!

DUBYA: What? Some good news finally?

SATAN: No, idiot! Just when my minions were about to kill Jesus, Moses pops up out of nowhere and lays waste to my plans.

DUBYA: Where are they now?

SATAN: Somewhere in the Atlantic. Why do you care?

DUBYA: Because I can handle them easy. All I need to do is declare war on the Atlantic Ocean. I'll call in a free-emptive air strike-

SATAN: That's "PREemptive!"

DUBYA: Whatever. I'll get Colin to get an aircraft carrier close by, and send in some of them Hornets to bomb the suckers.

SATAN: It would only slow them down. It's no good.

DUBYA: What about if I just nuke them?

SATAN: That would work if you hadn't sold all your nukes to third world countries in exchange for slaves.

DUBYA: I don't remember doing that.

SATAN: Of course you don't. I did it for you! Muhahahahahahahahahahahaaahahahah!

DUBYA: So when do the slaves get here?

SATAN: NEVER! I sold them to the Vatican for indulgences. Bwahahahahah!

DUBYA: Does this mean I get one?

SATAN: No, because I took the indulgences to Chuck-E-Cheeze's and traded them in for an air hockey table and a finger trap.

DUBYA: I like air hockey. Can I play you?

SATAN: You can't play me becuase the table is broken. This morning I flung it from the top of Washington Monument. There was an old man who was feeding pidgeons, and I felt like dropping a table on him from a great distance, so I did. Muhahah! I lost your finger trap on the way down. Sorry about that.

DUBYA: What's gonna to happen to our country when everybody finds out we don't got nukes?? Every freeloadin' country in the world is gonna nuke me! England is gonna nuke me! Russia is gonna nuke me! France is gonna nuke me!

SATAN: Not to worry, only you and I know this. Everybody else still thinks we have them. I traded the weapons while I was disguised as an Iraqi war criminal.

DUBYA: That's a relief. So we can't nuke Jesus and Whatsis. Now what?

SATAN: I have a plan... (the sky darkens and lightning strikes outside the window) FOR ARMAGEDDON!!

DUBYA: COOL! Do that again.

SATAN: (lightning strikes outside the window) FOR ARMAGEDDON!!

DUBYA: Again! Again!

SATAN: Twice is enough. Call Don King and Steinbrenner. We'll need to rent Yankee stadium for this, and I want King to speak with Jesus about the usual pregame bribery. The maffia can deal with that Moses character...

Dear all,

I have never seen so many skeptics in one place who are obsessed about god(s). Very interesting.

Very sincerely,

S. Holmes

[c4ts]

Originally posted by Sherlock Holmes
Dear all,

I have never seen so many skeptics in one place who are obsessed about god(s). Very interesting.

Very sincerely,

S. Holmes

Obsession would be praise. This is satire.

[the_ignored]

God, I love this story!

Brown-nosing, no. I'm just working up to my 50th post so's I can finally get my own avatar on this damned board!

[evildave]

And then even MORE disembodied voices rang out, disrupting the story line further. It seemed the war Satan planned began with competing narrators, who couldn't even figure out how to weave their comments into the basic narrative.

Naturally, like Santa Claus, God heard it all. He picked up a phone and rang up the Fat Man and his pal, The Bunny on their vacation island.

"Yo, God! How's it hangin'?", said The Bunny in her most fetching voice.

"Why PERFECTLY, of COURSE! I'm GOD, after all! Put on the Fat Man."

"Okey dokie! Hey, Santa!"

After a brief pause, a jolly voice came through. "Hey, God, did you hear that one about 'skeptics obsessed with gods'? What a hoot!"

"Yeah, Santa. But apparently he missed the point. You'd think that playing around with fictional characters who act out insane and arbitrary roles, at once open to everyone's participation would indicate to people that they don't take this sort of blasphemy seriously.

"On one hand, you have some people who are entertaining each other with silly fiction based on popular characters, and on the other you have people who take the characters seriously enough to get offended and try to derail the conversation...."

At that point, 500-foot Televangelism Jesus appeared in a third box in the telephone split-screen and said unless Santa collected $1,000,000, for Him, He'd call Mrs. Claus and let her know where Santa was and who Santa was with....

"Oh, bugger! Well, gotta go, God! One of your kids is blackmailing me! Later!"

"Later."

At this point, LaHaye God shook his head and shrugged.

"Hmm. Maybe I'd better call Chick Tract God and get him and Chick Jesus on this problem, too. You can never have too many gods involved with a proper doomsday. It's like this is going to take 1000 years or something."

[evildave]

The God of Chick Tracts, the LaHaye God, and various other Gods and Jesuses were milling about chatting for hours before they got down to business.

"So, let me get this straight, LaHaye God, you started your RAPTURE with South Park Jesus without asking anyone else... and then you got annoyed and damned all the worshipers for eternity?"

"MOST of them... but yeah, that about sums it up."

"Which Hell?"

"Umm, the South Park Hell, with South Park Satan."

"Well, that about bums me out! There's hardly enough belief left on the Earth to sustain us! How will we gain more belief to keep the blood sacrifices comming?"

"Oh, SHUT UP, Original God! Enough with the blood sacrifice and stuff! That went out of vogue when we subbed in grape juice and crackers!", said bleeding-stigmata Jesus.

A Methodist Jesus sitting in the rear muttered something about crackers instead of M&Ms, to some minor sniggering.

"Hey! I heard that!"

"Well", said a kind-hearted Jesus with Flowers and fuzzy animals near the front, "things on the Earth settled down quite a bit once all the fundies disappeared. It even looks like there will be peace in the Middle East..."

God of thunder and judgment cut him off. "Oh SHUT UP! This isn't about the fate of humans, who really cares about THAT? This is about our POWER! Our TITHING! Our INFLUENCE! We need to stir up some belief and QUICK if we don't want to join Zeus, Osirus and Tonatiuh in the realm of TRUTH become MYTHOLOGY!"

Just then, a minor Jesus and God from a fringe cult popped out of existence.

"There, you SEE! The last person who knew anything about that cult DIED, any one of you could be NEXT!"

[FireGarden]

SATAN: I have a plan... (the sky darkens and lightning strikes outside the window) FOR ARMAGEDDON!!


Coincidently, that day was open day at the White House.

Some little children from a good church run school had been wondering about, playing in the Oval office. One of them had overheard the Devil.

CHILD: But I don't want to die yet. I don't want to go to heaven. There's so much to do here on Earth.

SATAN: OK kid. I'll make a deal. If you can say the Lord's prayer backwards I'll cancel Armageddon and let peace and love reign on Earth.

CHILD: "The Lord's prayer backwards"

SATAN: DAMNATION!!!!

Since Lucifer always keeps his promises, Armageddon was cancelled and we all lived happily ever after.

Except for those that had been carried to heaven in the rapture, of course. They all became "maker of God" worshippers, believing that the Forge of Deities would protect them from the Gods. When asked why The Godmaker had created Gods with which to torment them, they replied "It is to test our faith"

[Gregor]

And as his final act before leaving the White House, Satan pulled off his mask to reveal that he was indeed . . .

BILL CLINTON !!!!

"Damn" he said, "I guess this means I have to go back to Hillary."

[FireGarden]

JESUS: (In Aramaic, without subtitles - It's the Mel Gibson version) I see you lost again, Bill

SATAN: (In Aramaic, without subtitles and with an English accent - It's the Mel Gibson version) Yeah.

(Satan takes out a stick of chewing gum, and begins chewing it.)

SATAN: Want one?

JESUS: Yeah, sure. (Takes a stick of gum)

SATAN: (Jumps up joyous, and with more than just a note of victory in his voice.) "YESSS!!! It took 2000 years but I've done it at last. I've tempted you, Son of God. I've tempted you!!"

JESUS: It's a stick of gum, Bill.

SATAN: And I tempted you! YES!!! (He dances a merry a jig, all the way to the moon and back) I TEMPTED THE SON OF GOD!!

JESUS: It's a stick of gum, Bill. It's not a sin to chew gum. It ain't against God. It's not good, it's not bad. It's entirely down to taste.

SATAN: (Beginning to doubt his success) But.... you did as I told you to.

JESUS: So? I didn't commit a sin. Good is good and bad is bad, and I know the difference. If you tell me to do a good thing I'll do a good thing. The game would be too easy for you otherwise.

SATAN: I hate you.

[evildave]

So, Deal-Maker Satan went to Billy G. Satan and asked whether Chick Satan was around. He wanted to get the low down on the proper definition of sinfulness of chewing gum.

Chick Satan sat amidst the dutiful Chick Angels flying "sinners" into Hell to dump them into the fire, turning the edges of a Rubik's Cube.

"Chick Satan, I tempted Jesus into chewing some gum. Was that a victory?"

Chick Satan shrugged, eyes transfixed on the cube.

"Why don'tcha just pop the edge out and put it back together the right way?"

Chick Satan stopped, looked up at Dealer Satan with a nasty glare, and tossed the cube into the lake-o-fire, where it bounced off a sinner's head, and then promptly melted.

"You know, I used to really dig roastin' sinners. Now it's just repetitive. And they don't BELIEVE in the fire, like they used to. Some of 'em just go in, stand there lookin' at me like I'm a doofus, and then walk away. An, what wiff dat rafture fing done, a dozen deffils have djust poffed out existence since monday, anf OW! I hate it when these fangs puncture my lip. Why'd that jerk have to draw me like this?"

"I don't know, but there are at least enough tracts and jokes with you and me in them to keep us going for a while. You'd think the gods and Jesii would get busy with the miracles to stir stuff up some more, but they seem preoccupied with something."

"Yah, I know whutchu mean. Want some marshmallows?"

"Sure."

[FireGarden]

You never miss a good thing until it's gone

As the demons and devils sat around the Inferno, toasting marshmellows while the Hindu holy-men walked on hot coals and thumbed their noses at the despondent hordes of hell, the flames suddenly died out. Smoke drifted in the air as the singed sinners started shivering in the cold. Hell was freezing over....

Chick Satan sat there with his mouth wide open, unbelieving, whileSurfer-Satan rushed to the direct line to heaven - his heart pounding.

SATAN: (Almost sobbing) Hey, God-dude, the eternal flames have died.

GOD: Yes, well. It just wasn't economically viable anymore. Do you have any idea what I went through in those 7 days, building a universe, building Heaven and Hell, creating a truely staggering number of plants and animals - all of them subtley different? And for what? I thought that I ought to cut my losses. 144,000 out of billions is just not a good return on my investment.

SATAN: So, er, what then? You going to take up golf?

GOD: Oh, I'm doing the whole thing over. But this time without the free-will and without the three score and ten audition. Why risk making rejects? I just need the faithful.

SATAN: (Lost for words)

(Just when all seemed lost....)
The gentle strumming of a folk/country guitar broke the silence.....
Yuppies cheered...
Record company executives rubbed their hands with glee ...
The Hindu holy-men cowered in fear, wide eyed and terror-struck ...

The Eagles had reformed.

SATAN: (Excited and relieved) That's it!!! We'll make our own hell!

[c4ts]

(Mount Olympus, Greece. In a shining temple of gold and marble, ZEUS is watching football on TV, along with HERMES and DIONYSSUS. Hermes is tossing green olives into the air and catching them in his mouth while Dionyssus sips from a beer hat. Enter HERA.)

HERA: You pig! YOU SAID WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A SPECIAL NIGHT OUT TOGETHER!! YOU PROMISED, YOU SAID...

ZEUS: (plugging his ears) La la la la la la I'm not listening.

HERA: ...IT'S ALWAYS "MORTALS THIS" AND "MORTALS THAT" BUT YOU'VE CARED MORE FOR MORE MORTAL GIRLFRIENDS THAN...

ZEUS: The last time I had an affair with a mortal, I turned her into a cow, dear.

HERA (ignoring him): ...YOUR STUPID STATUS QUO! AND YOU'VE GIVEN THAT UP EVER SINCE THE CHRISTIANS TOOK OVER...

DIONYSSUS: Is it just me, or is he always turning them into cows?

HERMES: It's just you. One time he turned this Brazilian chick into a car.

HERA: ...AND THEN YOU SAID WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A ROMANTIC ADVENTURE, JUST YOU AND ME, BUT NOOOOOOO, YOU HAD TO MAKE SURE PROMETHIUS'S CHAINS WERE TIGHT ENOUGH AT THE LAST SECOND...

(Hermes passes an olive to Zeus, which he throws at Hera. It hits her right between the eyes. Hera pulls out a rolling pin and beats Zeus with it.)

HERA: PIG! PIG! PIG! PIG! PIG! PIG! PIG! PIG! PIG!

ZEUS: OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

(The doorbell rings. Hera stops beating Zeus.)

HERMES: I'll get it. It's probably Jehova's Witnesses again. Although the strange thing is, I haven't seen to many of them lately... (opens the door) Hey South Park Jesus!

SOUTH PARK JESUS: I just got back from Heaven, and this is really important. Chick Tract God and Old Testament God have agreed to end the world. Get this, Kung Fu Jesus is on Earth with Black Moses, and they're about to have the boxing match to end all boxing matches with Bill Clinton Satan in Yankee stadium!

DIONYSSUS: Boxing!! Wooooo!

ZEUS: That was all those cheap impersonator dieties could come up with? I'm not impressed.

DIONYSSUS: I am! I'll get Promethius to get us some nachos-

ZEUS: YOU WOULD NOT DARE TO SET HIM FREE!!

DIONYSSUS: Oh. Right. I'll get Hercules instead.

SOUTH PARK JESUS: Guys, I'm not finished yet.

ZEUS: Ignore the loudmouthed drunk in the background.

DIONYSSUS: Wooo! Loudmouthed drunk! Yeaaaah!

SOUTH PARK JESUS: Anyway, the only reason I came here is to tell you that all the other gods and me are going to try to take the world back before they have a chance.

ZEUS: Sounds like it might be worth it. Who's in already?

SOUTH PARK JESUS: Weeeell, so far it's mostly the Egyptian gods, Anubis, Osiris, Ra, Thoth, Ptah and the gang. Ahura Mazda is in, but Ahfriman likes the idea of apocalypse so he refused. The Lovecraftian gods agreed, well, really just Cthulhu and Nylarthotep, but I don't entirely understand their motives. The whole Norse and Assyrian pantheons are in, and so are a few of the newbie gods, like the Logical Goddess and this guy, C-4 something or other...

ZEUS: Count me in, and the rest of my family. I've been waiting more than 2000 years for this opportunity.

SOUTH PARK JESUS: That's what they all say.

ZEUS: I can't wait to start thowing thunderbolts again. Hephastus just made some heat seeking green ones and I'm dying to try them out. How long do I have to prepare?

SOUTH PARK JESUS: (looks at his watch) You have one hour.

ZEUS: Hermes, you think you could get everyone together in an hour?

HERMES: No problem. I can do that in 10 seconds. Watch! (Puts on a crash helmet.)

(Hermes flies out the door. 10 seconds later, he returns, followed by a sonic boom. He leads Zeus, South Park Jesus, Dionyssus, and Hera out the door, where the entire Greek pantheon along with every minor deity, demi-god, and legend has assembled like an army. Zeus picks up a weapon that looks like an elephant gun made of gold and loads it with a green thunderbolt. Hermes hands him a megaphone.)

ZEUS: Normally, I love a good, long, speech concerning what is just and what is right. But today, we just don't have time for that. For nearly two millenia, we have borne witness to the countless attrocities of the non-believers. They have smashed our temples, broke our statues, melted down our holy relics for gold, and worst of all, they put a bunch of cheap imitations in our place! (MITHRAS: Right on!) I fondly remember the time when beloved Athens was at war with...

POSIDEON: Get to the point, brother!

ZEUS: We're taking our world back! We'll storm Heaven one cloud at a time if we have to. FOR JUSTICE!

SOUTH PARK JESUS: FOR HUMANITY!

ATHENA: FOR VICTORY!

ARIES: FOR BATTLE!

HERA: FOR MY IDIOT HUSBAND!

PLAUTOS: FOR MONEY!

DIONYSSUS: FOR HOT NYMPH SEX!

POSIDEON: FOR THREE-PRONGED POINTY THINGIES BECAUSE I'M GROWING IMPATIENT!

HADES: I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!

ZEUS: VENGEANCE OR DEATH!

ALL: VENGEANCE OR DEATH! VENGEANCE OR DEATH!

ZEUS: I really owe you one, Jesus.

(Zeus leads his divine army out of Olympus. They march past the Zodiac into a boroque cloud-filled landscape. The other gods have already assembled, and are trying to break down the humongous glowing gates of Heaven. CHICK TRACT SAINT PETER is trying to handle them as best as he can, sitting at the desk from "This Was Your Life.")

C.T.S.P: Okay, wiseguys, form a line or something. Name? Can I get someone's Name?

THOR: I am the mighty Thor! Open the gates, little chicken man!

CTSP: Let's see. Is your name in the Book of Life? (Flips through a couple pages of the book and slams it shut.) No! You're going to Hell! NEXT!

(Thor hurls his hammer at CTSP but it bounces off an invisible force field. He hurls it even harder at the gates. It bounces off with a screen shaking PING!)

FACELESS CHICK TRACT GOD: Read to them the names that are in the Book of Life!

CTSP: Let's see... (flips through pages) There's you, Chick Tract Jesus, Old Testament God, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Paul, myself, and Jack Chick. Sorry guys, everybody else can go to Hell. NEXT? Heh heh heh...

NYLARTHOTEP: I am known as Nylarthotep! Lord of the Crawling Chaos! Your refusal to open the door is making my eldrich associate Mr. Sogoth veeery cranky. I too, tire of this childish game. Let us in, and I will kill you quickly.

CTSP: Well Mr. Nylon Ugly Face, didn't you hear what I just said? No admittance! You can go straight to Hell, and take Mr. Sherbert with you.

NYLARTHOTEP: Do you not understand the terrible collusion you have wrought upon yourself? You will learn to beware the abysmal runic entities. Fool!

(An expanding bubble of darkness appears around CTSP. He screams in terror as it consumes him, reducing him to nothing. The bubble pops, and CTSP is no more.)

ZEUS: Assault the gates! (Throws ball lightning.)

(The gods hurl every kind of divine projectile at the gates. CTHULHU roars like Godzilla and dive bombs the middle, causing the bars to bend slightly out of shape.)

(Chick Tract God and OLD TESTAMENT GOD are sitting on similar thrones, drinking the blood of animal and human sacrifices from tea cups, when they hear Cthulhu's roar.)

OLD TESTAMENT GOD: Dost thou knowest what thine gates are made of?

CTG: I know everything, but I'm not telling you. Besides, everything is going according to plan. The rapture went off without a hitch, Satan is on Earth, and I was just about to release the New Age witches.

OTG: If thine gates should fail, canst thou hold back the ferocious horde?

CTG: What can I say? All I've ever really done is make Jesus. He did all the work, creating the heavens and the earth. I just sat around until I got bored and pushed him off into the real world. Naturally, I was planning on a lot of pain and suffering...

OTG: Is that what thou hast planned? Thine own undoing?

(Cthulhu roars again.)

CTG: Kinda spooky, ain't he? Anyway, they're just false Gods. They're nothing special compared to us. Bwahah!

OTG: I am the LORD almighty, and I am ONE. The enemy shalt be ground to fine powder beneath mine heel if thou should fail.

(The gates crash, and the mob of angry gods pours into heaven. The crystal finery of the place is smashed to peices as they advance. Fountains are toppled, statues of Jack Chick are shattered, fine tapestries are ripped to shreds, and unused furnature is burned. Cthulhu is last, devouring everything he can get his hands on. Angels who get in his way are eaten raw.)

CTG: They're heeeeere. They've got fifteen minutes before I end the world anyway. (Conjures a countdown timer starting at 15:00)

OTG: Thou meanest "we."

CTG: Before we end the world. Then Satan and his homosexual friends can have it.

OTG: Prepare yourself to crush the lesser gods!

(To be continued...)

[FireGarden]

Scene: Coalition headquarters, press briefing.

PRESS: So far, general, you've not had much support from the civilians in heaven. Does this upset you.

OSIRIS: Well, we can't expect them to help at the beginning of the campaign. They're just too frightened. They've had 3500 years of undemocratic theocracy.

PRESS: Do you think that your having let them down so often has anything to do with it?

OSIRIS: Well, possibly. We could have been more helpful when the plagues of locusts and frogs came. There was that time when they tried to crucify Jesus, the son of Jehovah. We abandoned them, they had to pay a huge price for that. Solar eclipse, torn curtains... You name it.

PRESS: Torn curtains?

OSIRIS: Oh yes. It's very symbolic in Jerusalem. Worse than hitting a picture of someone with your slippers.

PRESS: In the last battle you had 300 Gods from Mecca in the coalition. But they're not with you this time. Why is that?

OSIRIS: Politics. They want Jehovah removed just as much as we do, but they can't say so publicly.

PRESS: Heaven's Infomation Minister, Cosmical Ali, says that the coalition Gods are mythical and that you'll all be slaughtered. Do you have anything to say to that?

OSIRIS: Hey, who're you gonna believe?

[evildave]

Mythical or not, the battle raged for hours, in the sort of way that movies with a countdown timer tend to. The only time the countdown moved was when the camera pointed at it, and then there'd be 40 minutes of dirty fighting, followed and a cut back to the doomsday clock showing it had moved another fraction of a second second.

Baptist Council Jesus noticed and complained. "Hey! We're on HOLLYWOOD time! Who's messing with causality?"

The DiscWorld Death appeared behind him and said "THAT WOULD BE ME."

[c4ts]

(I just wanted to add this, for no apparent reason...)

MATTHEW: Matthew!

MARK: Mark!

LUKE: Luke!

JOHN: John!

RINGO: Ringo!

C.P.: With your powers combined, I AM CHRISTI PLANETUS!


This thread is the world's first satyrical allegory, I tell ya.

[evildave]

Finally, after days of fighting, the timer ran out.

Curiously to all involved, nothing happened to the world.

CTG and OTG looked at the doomsday settings and cringed a little. "You know, without at least half of the gods and Jesii ready to do it, I don't think you have enough power to do it.", said OMG, the god of shorthand references said. The Jesus #^@& Christ of oaths and mashed fingers agreed.