Ducky
6th March 2006, 09:04 PM
I want to share this with you, because I had thought I had come up with the answer to it all.
You see, I started a church. The First International Church of Puppies. It had one goal: End warfare and hatred through puppies. Since Jon Stewart had first attempted to bring world peace through puppy in his first Daily Show broadcast after 9/11, we named him our High Commander of the Fur. We started out 5 people strong, with just two puppies. One was a beagle, the other a greyhound. Our dogma was simple:
Puppies can solve all conflict with 15 minutes of petting. It is through the puppy we better understand ourselves and the universe. Though the three manifestations of the higher being (The puppy, the Bitch, and the dug up yard) we could explore all events and reasons for existence in the universe.
Now pay attention.
In just over four years we had grown to over 100,000 people strong, with just under 2000 puppies of all breeds. The people ranged from Atheist to Christian to Muslim to Jewish to Buddhist to Satanist (who incidentally, preferred Rottweilers.) Every major school of thought was represented, along with every major religion. Everyone loves puppies. We were very popular.
Then it happened. Some began to get the word out with t-shirts of Beagles. Others were passing out free leashes with the image of Greyhounds. Some were imposing their own idea of the perfect puppy with calendars of labrador retrievers. Soon news of the different representations of puppies made the way up the heirarchy and a Council of Elders was called to decide the "puppy schism" once and for all. This resulted in the Great Puppy Council of 2004. Many different breeds were represented and talks were emphatic and heartfelt, often degenerating into growls and the biting of each other's behinds.
Then it happened. Someone's puppy crapped on the council chambers floor. Someone else's leg was humped. It was sugested the beagles couldn't be housebroken. A motion was made to try to ensure peace that housebreaking was no longer a neccessary requirement of the Church. While some passed the motion, others vehemently rejected it and went so far as to denounce the council as overly corrupt and no longer in the spirit of the puppy. A war ensued.
Many puppies died. A schnauser drove a truck bomb into the Chow-chow compound, and there was blood and fur everywhere. Many Irish setters raised money for arms and bombed the beagles in acts of unspeakable terrorism. There were horrible acts of terrier ethnic cleansing against the boston terriers - perpetrated by the scottish terrier in a most ugly jihad.
The First International Church of the Puppies is nothing but a shell of its former self, attempting to bring peace to all puppy factions, and there are many of them.
I implore you to take heed: Do not be drawn into fringe sects of Puppyism. The only look to ensnare you like a chewtoy to train you to suicide bomb other breeders, or to hate all breeds but your own equally.
Remeber what I tell you: Do not choose to hate a puppy based on housetraining or chewing. It does not matter. All puppies love equally.
Except those f***ing Chihuahuas. May they rot in puppy hell.
Heed my warning people. Do not give in to puppy hate.
Let us chewtoy.
RUFFmen.
You see, I started a church. The First International Church of Puppies. It had one goal: End warfare and hatred through puppies. Since Jon Stewart had first attempted to bring world peace through puppy in his first Daily Show broadcast after 9/11, we named him our High Commander of the Fur. We started out 5 people strong, with just two puppies. One was a beagle, the other a greyhound. Our dogma was simple:
Puppies can solve all conflict with 15 minutes of petting. It is through the puppy we better understand ourselves and the universe. Though the three manifestations of the higher being (The puppy, the Bitch, and the dug up yard) we could explore all events and reasons for existence in the universe.
Now pay attention.
In just over four years we had grown to over 100,000 people strong, with just under 2000 puppies of all breeds. The people ranged from Atheist to Christian to Muslim to Jewish to Buddhist to Satanist (who incidentally, preferred Rottweilers.) Every major school of thought was represented, along with every major religion. Everyone loves puppies. We were very popular.
Then it happened. Some began to get the word out with t-shirts of Beagles. Others were passing out free leashes with the image of Greyhounds. Some were imposing their own idea of the perfect puppy with calendars of labrador retrievers. Soon news of the different representations of puppies made the way up the heirarchy and a Council of Elders was called to decide the "puppy schism" once and for all. This resulted in the Great Puppy Council of 2004. Many different breeds were represented and talks were emphatic and heartfelt, often degenerating into growls and the biting of each other's behinds.
Then it happened. Someone's puppy crapped on the council chambers floor. Someone else's leg was humped. It was sugested the beagles couldn't be housebroken. A motion was made to try to ensure peace that housebreaking was no longer a neccessary requirement of the Church. While some passed the motion, others vehemently rejected it and went so far as to denounce the council as overly corrupt and no longer in the spirit of the puppy. A war ensued.
Many puppies died. A schnauser drove a truck bomb into the Chow-chow compound, and there was blood and fur everywhere. Many Irish setters raised money for arms and bombed the beagles in acts of unspeakable terrorism. There were horrible acts of terrier ethnic cleansing against the boston terriers - perpetrated by the scottish terrier in a most ugly jihad.
The First International Church of the Puppies is nothing but a shell of its former self, attempting to bring peace to all puppy factions, and there are many of them.
I implore you to take heed: Do not be drawn into fringe sects of Puppyism. The only look to ensnare you like a chewtoy to train you to suicide bomb other breeders, or to hate all breeds but your own equally.
Remeber what I tell you: Do not choose to hate a puppy based on housetraining or chewing. It does not matter. All puppies love equally.
Except those f***ing Chihuahuas. May they rot in puppy hell.
Heed my warning people. Do not give in to puppy hate.
Let us chewtoy.
RUFFmen.