Adoptive Child Syndrome

[kittynh]

I work at a school where there are a lot of parents that have adopted. Manhy of these adoptions have worked out quite happily and well.

Others, not so much so.

The parents are now bringing in articles and such about "Adoptive
Child Syndrome" to explain why their 3 year old acts out, or resents taking direction. Most of the parents are expecting some sort of "lower expectation" for their childs behavior because they suffer from this "syndrome".

It's the all purpose excuse for why the child is doing poorly at anything.

I like to think that a parent that over examines something is far better than the parent that doesnt' care. But, there seems to be other reasons the child is not behaving.

One child was adopted from a South American nation that is now NOT reccomended for adoption. He was in seriously poor condition when adopted. He is still undersized, and his entire health history is a mystery. While the baby was supposed to be from a middle class family where the daughter got "into trouble" it is now obvious to the parents that the child is of more "native" then "Spainish" heritage (this seems to be a big issue with them). He's actually a sweet kid that is rather weak. He can't seem to focus on anything for too long, but not much worse than a lot of children his age. If he is suffering from anything it is being dragged to physician after physician by his parents.

Another child is simply just too well loved. She is the darling they adopted in their 40's and the mother sent her to school the first day with her own cell phone. We were told she HAS to have the cell phone since she is adopted and has seperation issues! The child has figured out the more "fragile" she is the more attention and stuff she gets!

None of these kids have any real issues. The issue with the parents seems to be that of getting the rules bent so that their children can get away with stuff. I feel like pointing out that plently of non adopted children are naughty, sad when they are missing their mommy and daddy, picky eaters....

Still, not knowing anything about Adoptive Child Syndrome, and not being the head teacher, I just smile. The teachers are all busy trying to research this issue. We are all looking at the adopted kids a little more carefully (when we remember which are adopted and which are not!).

Does anyone know anything about this? On the internet you get both the pro and the con.

[Kiless]

I am skeptical. This sounds more like getting the rules bent, as you said.
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3625/is_200109/ai_n8975453

[bluess]

Adoptive mom here (6 months) of a 6-1/2 year-old.

There is a documented syndrome called 'Reactive Attachment Disorder'. This is not confined to adopted children, but can be seen often in adopted children. In extreme cases, you end up with a sociopathic individual, whose lack of capacity to attach (bond) with other people distances them from all normal behavior. There are ranges of milder behaviors. These behaviors require intervention, not lowered standards. If these parents truly believe their children are not attaching appropriately, then they need counseling ASAP.

However, to me it sounds like they are trying to get a pass for their kids because they feel sorry for their child or for themselves.

What the first child's parents should be doing - working with their social worker (they HAD to have one to complete a home study to get approved to adopt) to find appropriate counseling for both themselves and the child; and contacting a top-level pediatrician who specializes in adopted children. They can go to www.adopt.com (http://www.adopt.com) for listings. If nothing else, Children's Hospital in DC could probably sort them out.

The second kid's parents need a smack in the head and then counseling. I am also in my 40's, this will be our only kid, and we read a huge amount about over-providing. The kid is learning to substitute things for attachment and love; and is feeling less loved each moment. Parents MUST set boundaries, especially for a child who has been in an institution and is used to boundaries. The lack of boundaries coupled with overproviding results in an unhappy little human.


Sigh. Stepping off soapbox now.

Edited to complete a thought.

[Paul C. Anagnostopoulos]

My wife and I are the proud parents of two adopted children. They have learning disabilities and have had mild adoption issues. I have never heard of Adoptive Child Syndrome.

Damn, a perfectly good excuse gone wanting.

~~ Paul

[kittynh]

the thing that worries the teachers and myself is that there are probably children with REAL adoptive issues, and these parents are ALL attaching onto this label.

The teachers said they are so tired of parents wanting to LABEL their child. Each child is different. Labels are fine, but let's all work together to figure out what we can do.

The head teacher I work with has a LD child that has many issues. I have a daughter that is perhaps one of the most severe dyslexics every studied by Yale University. ("wow, is she ever dyslexic!" that's what every parent wants to hear from a professional at Yale). Another of the assistant teachers is a sever dyslexic herself, she takes night classes at college and can only manage one class a semester with her disability. She is GOING to get her degree, no matter how long it takes.

Children are children.

Adopted or not adopted, the important thing is to find out what works. To include parents, teachers, social workers, physicians...everyone. But don't forget to include the child!

The child with the cell phone does not have the same issues as most of the other children. She has "I wish the whole world was as much of a sucker as my mommy" syndrome. However, today when mommy came to pick her up, she refused to go! She was so happy playing with her buddy, that she told her mom, "Wait, I want to finish this puzzle!" Teachers were doing high fives, mommy was devestated! I wonder if mommy's therapist will be able to fit her in, being the weekend and all that .....heheheheh. Mommy kept wondering if she had done something to "upset" her little darling that she would "reject" mommy. Oh boy, what social worker OKd this adoption?

[screw_dog]

the thing that worries the teachers and myself is that there are probably children with REAL adoptive issues, and these parents are ALL attaching onto this label.

The teachers said they are so tired of parents wanting to LABEL their child. Each child is different. Labels are fine, but let's all work together to figure out what we can do.
I subscribe to the aphorism that a diagnosis (label) is only as useful as the treatment it implies. Simply labelling someone isn't helpful, giving someone treatment based upon the category they fall into is helpful.

My fiancee is a teacher and she had a coworker tell her about Oppositional Defiance Disorder. As near as she could work out, achild has ODD if they are recalcitrant and act out. It was difficult to figure out how giving this a label was useful, especially as any treatment was based upon looking at why a child was acting out.

Just thinking about it gets me worked up.

[Zep]

Kitty, just so I understand - to what purpose is the young girl's mobile phone? Is it for her to call mummy, or mummy to call her?

Perhaps the better question is: Who is wearing the pants in that household?

[kittynh]

oh, there is a Danish saying that goes something like, "The youngest child is the King of the family".

We have that up at school.

IF they could only buy firearms they would rule the world.

[Lisa Simpson]

It's funny you should bring this up. At the school I work at, one girl was caught stealing from the book fair. My sis-in-law (the PTO Pres.) was brought in to tell the girl that when she stole from the book fair, she was stealing from the school, her classmates and herself. On the way into the Principal's office for this meeting, my SIL runs into the girl's sister. The sister says "I'm not surprised she was stealing. She's adopted." Then in the meeting, the girl, age of 9-ish, says "It's in my blood. My birth mom is in jail for stealing and that's why I'm stealing too." I would just bet that this girl hears all the time about how every bad thing she does, it's because she's adopted and her birth mother is no good, so she isn't any good either.

My niece is adopted and as far as I know, has no issues with it. Actually, she does have one somewhat related issue. For her Girl Scout Silver Award, she wanted to raise money and donations for a home for teenaged mothers (thinking of the situation her birth mother was in), but her fundy Girl Scout leader thinks that's horrible. These girls shouldn't be rewarded. Idiot.

[kittynh]

whoa Lisa! That poor child!

How did that family pass the adoption process?

Little cell phone friend is doing well, mom is a wreck. This child I find out is her "I"m never going to find a man to have kids with my biological clock is ticking, I need someone to love me NOW" child. The person I thought was the dad was simply the current boyfriend. Actually, he is the EX boyfriend I found out, so is no longer in the picture.

Mom has a great business and is very successful and beautiful. She needs to relax, and I think the teachers may be able to get through to her. She is honestly a very nice person, without a clue how to raise a child. Though the kid has a really good idea about how to control a parent!

[Lisa Simpson]

I don't know. I guess they were good at fooling the authorities.

My niece has a friend (not adopted) that has to have a cell phone everywhere she goes, and she's not allowed to go on Girl Scout camping trips, or pretty much anything that takes her away from mommy's side. Except school. And even then, no field trips, because perverts may snatch her or something. It's crazy. This girl is never going to learn how to cope in the real world because mommy won't let her experience the real world.

[Paul C. Anagnostopoulos]

The goal is for children to have no real-world experiences until they go off to college and then go utterly wild.

~~ Paul

[juryjone]

How did that family pass the adoption process?


As an adoptive parent myself, I often find myself asking the same question. Believe me, it is not a trivial process. If the prodding and poking into my private life had been physical, I'd have asked for a ring first. It's tremendously invasive, and I resent the fact that the process of adoption is so restrictive while children are needing a family.

However, nobody's perfect. Becoming a social worker does not give you a crystal ball as to how a person will react as a parent. It doesn't tell you that a prospective parent knows all the right answers to give on the forms, but has no compunction to discard these answers when presented with a child that doesn't perfectly fulfill their desires. I think it would be more remarkable if we found that all adoptive parents are perfect parents, that social workers are right 100% of the time.

I do think that your comments about overcompensating or "super" parents are correct. In the Chines adoption community, a significant percentage of the parents are older, first-time parents who feel their child should be immersed in their native culture from as early as possible, sending them to language classes and culture camps. They talk about the "red thread" that binds the child and the adoptive parents to the unknown birth mother. (Never the father, wonder why...) And they have jemped onto this "adoptive child syndrome", which, as you've seen, can be an answer to everything. (By the way, I'm perfectly aware of the "reactive attachment disorder" that bluess talks about; this is a very real problem with children that have spent a long time in an orphanage. It seems to me that "ACS" is an attempt to give a name to something that is not really an attachment disorder.)

I am another type of adoptive parent. I let my daughter decide if she's interested in talking about her "heritage", if she wants to talk about her birth parents, etc. And I don't let it be an excuse for inappropriate behavior. She's a happy, well-adjusted kid and I intend to keep things that way.

There may well be such a thing as "adoptive child syndrome". But when the symptoms are indistinguishable from the "spoiled child syndrome" or the "no boundaries syndrome", why come up with a new label? Why label a child who will already have enough trouble with bothersome racial, social or gender labels?

[Paul C. Anagnostopoulos]

I'm all up with Juryjone. Our two adopted kids bring up their heritage, birth parents, and so forth on their own time.

~~ Paul

[bluess]

Ditto here.

My kid has strong familial connections to her past - she and her younger siblings were placed in the orphanage after their parent's death and after the older siblings determined they could not maintain the additional mouths. We talk about her past and her family a lot, but on her terms and time.

More important is that we provide her the opportunity to become a competent and compassionate human.

[bluess]

By the way, it is so cool to know there are so many adoptive parents on this board.

[strathmeyer]

By the way, it is so cool to know there are so many adoptive parents on this board.

Are you sure it isn't sad that smart people are the only ones who don't want to breed?

[juryjone]

Are you sure it isn't sad that smart people are the only ones who don't want to breed?

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're generalizing to make some kind of joke. (Which, unfortunately, I don't get - and isn't it sad that I have no sense of humor about this topic?)

People come to adoption for a number of reasons - some of us are unable to "breed", some adopt after having one or more birth children. There is a wide range of types of children that an adoptive parent will be able to accept - some are only able to handle healthy children of their own race, while others such as Paul are willing to adopt children with disabilities.

It never crossed my mind that the "smartest" thing to do would be to adopt rather than have birth children.

So, no harm, no foul - just sayin'.

[bluess]

Are you sure it isn't sad that smart people are the only ones who don't want to breed?

I think Juryjone answered this best.

My answer is not printable.

[jharp]

I am the father of 2 bio and 5 adoptive children. We were lucky in that the teachers didn't allow "pity parties" just because they were different. The youngest is 18 and I feel that they have turned out just like any random sample of 7 children would turn out, some OK, some great, some with problems. We always had high expections for them and we would home school when necessary. I don't beleive in labels, I just love them, help them when necessary and let them make their own mistakes and be there when they need us.

[tsg]

I remember when parents were making up reasons why their children were geniuses instead of excuses for why they can't be.

[Chupacabras]

A sister-in-law of me has an adopted boy. The real mother is a prostitute and she quite literally gave the child away. The problem is (are)...

He is now 13, and doesn't have a clue about his condition of adopted... BUT: he lives in the same street as her real mother, and other relatives (who wanted to adopt him in the first place); they are, if may I speak freely, "lowlives", constantly running into conflicts of all sorts (I have seriously considered writing a book about their misadventures, honest).

Also, there are other (older) children in the family, both girls, and one of them already knows his brother is adopted, but was ordered not to say a word, and I know now she resents this fact.

What a mess? My older son is a good friend of his cousin, and doesn't "know" (I don't agree, but my wife chose that way). I sort of know what I will tell my son when the time comes to talk, but I can only guess how things are going to be for this boy.

In the end, I am guessing there will be troble: this boy is probably bound for depression (my guess is out of similar stories) and maybe even criminal behavior. In this scenario, maybe adopted = spoiled.

[strathmeyer]

I think Juryjone answered this best.

My answer is not printable.

I'm not sure what you two think I was trying to say here. Smarter people are more likely to choose to adopt than to have children, thus lessening the spread of smart genes. Less smart people are more likely to think that they're only purpose in life is to have children, or that having children seems like a fun because they don't have anything better to do with their lives. I wasn't trying to insult anyone or imply anything. Guess I've learned some comments aren't worth trying to get your post count up.

[bluess]

I'm not sure what you two think I was trying to say here. Smarter people are more likely to choose to adopt than to have children, thus lessening the spread of smart genes. Less smart people are more likely to think that they're only purpose in life is to have children, or that having children seems like a fun because they don't have anything better to do with their lives. I wasn't trying to insult anyone or imply anything. Guess I've learned some comments aren't worth trying to get your post count up.

Well, the whole gene dance is all a crap shoot on the 'smart' bit. What do you consider smart? Why assume that only dumb people have children they can't take care of?

In our case, we ended up with a very smart kid. Since I am a snob, this suits me fine. However, we were well aware prior to adoption that we could have ended up with a child with severe learning disabilities or just a plain not-smart kid. If I had popped one out, I would still face the same odds of smart/dumb fully-functional/disabled.

I don't know if there are any statistics on smart people being more likely to adopt than birth; it would be interesting to see.

This all presupposes that I'm smart. Hmmm....

[juryjone]

A sister-in-law of me has an adopted boy. The real mother is a prostitute and she quite literally gave the child away. The problem is (are)...

He is now 13, and doesn't have a clue about his condition of adopted... BUT: he lives in the same street as her real mother, and other relatives (who wanted to adopt him in the first place); they are, if may I speak freely, "lowlives", constantly running into conflicts of all sorts (I have seriously considered writing a book about their misadventures, honest).

Also, there are other (older) children in the family, both girls, and one of them already knows his brother is adopted, but was ordered not to say a word, and I know now she resents this fact.

What a mess? My older son is a good friend of his cousin, and doesn't "know" (I don't agree, but my wife chose that way). I sort of know what I will tell my son when the time comes to talk, but I can only guess how things are going to be for this boy.

In the end, I am guessing there will be troble: this boy is probably bound for depression (my guess is out of similar stories) and maybe even criminal behavior.

Well, I can't speak from experience on this; it's sort of obvious that my daughter is not of my genes. (I used to get a big kick out of people asking me, "Are you going to tell her she's adopted?" when I'm blond, my wife's a redhead, and she's Chinese.) However, if I was adopted, and my parents did not tell me, then I would come to the conclusion that they weren't telling me because they were ashamed of me or because they thought adoption was a second-class way of having children. So I would think it's always a bad idea to hide the fact a child is adopted. His self-esteem is bound to be damaged. (I don't ncessarily think this leads to criminal behavior, however.)

In this scenario, maybe adopted = spoiled.

Whoa, wait a minute. You made a left turn there and I wasn't following. How do you go from a person that has been lied to (by omission) all his life to someone who is spoiled?

[bluess]

[quote=juryjone;1552306]Well, I can't speak from experience on this; it's sort of obvious that my daughter is not of my genes. (I used to get a big kick out of people asking me, "Are you going to tell her she's adopted?" when I'm blond, my wife's a redhead, and she's Chinese.) [quote]

This reminds me of the rework of Cinderella, where the Queen was Whoopi Goldberg, the King was a white guy, and Prince Charming was Vietnamese.

Our kid looks like she might biologically be our child. I'm Indian, Mr.Blue is white, and our daughter is Nepali, with a mix of Indian and Tibetan features. She very wierdly looks like me, with her dad's height.

And since she was five-1/2 when I met her, she sure knows she's adopted. Or 'adropted'. Or 'adoperted'. Or 'adroptive'.

[juryjone]

I'm not sure what you two think I was trying to say here. Smarter people are more likely to choose to adopt than to have children, thus lessening the spread of smart genes.

bluess answered the second part of that statement - it is perfectly possible to adopt smart children, therefore there is no "lessening of smart genes". I just don't see why a person has to be "smart" to adopt - as I've said, I never reflected on whether it would be "smart to do. My wife and I were unable to have kids the usual way, yet we wanted children. We chose adoption rather than surrogacy or multiple, chancy in-vitro procedures.

Less smart people are more likely to think that they're only purpose in life is to have children, or that having children seems like a fun because they don't have anything better to do with their lives.

I guess there are some dumb people that have children for the heck of it, but I doubt that they are reflective enough to ponder on their purpose in life. If they are considering their "purpose", then they may not be considered as "less smart" by the general public".

I wasn't trying to insult anyone or imply anything. Guess I've learned some comments aren't worth trying to get your post count up.

I'd have to agree. ;)

[Walk The Line]

Perhaps I can give a different perspective on this issue. While many of you are actual parents of adoptive children (which I am very happy to hear), I come from the other end of the equation. I was adopted at the fairly young age of two weeks old through Catholic Charities, but count my blessings because I have a good family and have a had a good life up until this point (in my mid-twenties now).

This discussion is the first I’ve heard of Adoptive Child Syndrome. I haven’t done any research into the statistics of whether adopted children do more stealing, lying, etc, but I do think that the name of the syndrome seems to lower expectations for adopted children. There are a lot of negative factors that an adopted child can look at rather then the positives- My birthmother chose to abandon me…My adopted parents only wanted me after they couldn’t have their own kids… I have no idea who my birthparents are/where they came from (if the adoption is closed) or my birth parent is a prostitute/drug dealer/crook etc (if the adoption is open). Taking a kid to counseling and having a doctor say that what they are doing is because of “Adoptive Child Syndrome” seems to give that child an excuse for every future outburst/problem.

This is not to say that there aren’t any problems associated with being adopted. I can certainly sympathize with the feelings of abandonment and resentment (At 26, I still don’t know why I was given up). But I would rather having those people with problems go to a counselor and attempt to work them out rather then assigning it all to “Adoptive Child Syndrome.” It is my opinion that we should give these kids every chance to succeed rather then another reason to fail.

[bluess]

Bravo, Walk The Line.

I discussed adoption with two friends; one was adopted at an early age and the other spent a great deal of time almost being adopted (and yes, it is as f**d up as it sounds).

Neither was resentful of the process; both would have appreciated a bit more information. The first was adopted during the era of closed adoption. His parents asked him if he wanted to start a search for his birth family, and his immediate response was Why? Perhaps if his health wasn't so wonderful his answer may have been different.

[Suezoled]

Just out of curiosity, how many adoptive parents have had thoughts of "what if we had given birth to this kid... would they be any different?"

Being adopted myself, in the time of closed adoption, I've wondered what the adoptive parents think of at times.

On a tangent, you know what I freakin' hate? When people ask me "have you ever wanted to find your real parents." Or "do you ever think your birth mother would love you more than your adopted parents?"

Now, don't get me wrong; our relationship has, at better times, been polite if a bit strained. But give me a break! They're my PARENTS damnit! They're the people who raised me, they are in every sense of the word my "real" parents. It was a roll of the dice that got us together, however, they are no less real than the stapler I keep banging into at work.
And what the hell kind of rationalization is it that would make people think I would believe that a birth mother would "love me more;" there's evidence galore that biologicals are NOT necessarily the best parents (gee... maybe some of them result in... oh, I dunno... ADOPTION?), so what is the prejudice about biologicals loving more?

[Lisa Simpson]

My mother-in-law used to ask my sis-in-law if they had heard from niece's "real parents". Finally, my SIL told her "we are her real parents."

[Paul C. Anagnostopoulos]

Ah, let's face it, many people are just stoopid about adoption. Pity them. Of course, the occasional joke at their expense is allowable.

~~ Paul

[kittynh]

Monica Dickens is an author (yes and related to THAT Dickens) and she adopted 2 children. At times she was wracked with guilt that she WASN'T a good enough mother, and that the children would have been better off being adopted by another more "normal" family (she was in her 40's when she adopted). Her worry was that she wasn't good enough. Kids seemed to turn out fine.

One of my best Navy wife friends was adopted as a baby. Her parents died in a very sad murder/suicide situation when dad decided that running off with a college student younger than my friend (she was 21) was a good way to deal with his middle age life crisis.

She has never looked into finding her biological parents. She has been contaced several times, as it seems the parents (parent) is looking for her. She refuses to have anything to do with it.

She said she can't deal with it if they turn out to be spounging low life losers. She inherited a large sum of money when her parents died, and actually fears her "real" parents thinking they hit the lottery when they meet her. I guess a lot of these lovely reunions do not work out as well as they seem to at first on tv!

I have one child that is a "genius" and another that has severe learning disabilities. Both have taught me so much. For one thing, the one with learning disabilities is going to pick out my retirement home (don't let the genius anywhere near that decision!).

Anyone that has the opportunity to raise a child, any child, is given a wonderful gift. Your child is NOT a reflection upon you. If you get your jollies writing in the Xmas card how well little Johnny is doing...you are so not getting parenting. It isn't a spectator sport.

[Melendwyr]

There may well be such a thing as "adoptive child syndrome". But when the symptoms are indistinguishable from the "spoiled child syndrome" or the "no boundaries syndrome", why come up with a new label? Why label a child who will already have enough trouble with bothersome racial, social or gender labels? Because that's most of what modern psychiatry is: labelling. There are useful therapeutic techniques, yes, but those have to be learned by experience, not taught. The rest of the system is just arbitrary methods of categorization.

Psychiatry has a bad case of physics envy.

[Chupacabras]

How do you go from a person that has been lied to (by omission) all his life to someone who is spoiled?

I was speculating, hence the "maybe". Just a tought by extension.

[CFLarsen]

Monica Dickens is an author (yes and related to THAT Dickens)

I'm impressed!! (http://www.cmt.com/artists/az/dickens_little_jimmy/bio.jhtml)

[bluess]

Just out of curiosity, how many adoptive parents have had thoughts of "what if we had given birth to this kid... would they be any different?"

Being adopted myself, in the time of closed adoption, I've wondered what the adoptive parents think of at times.


Once or twice. But there's that whole gene smack-down wrestling match that goes on. I'm a pessimist, so I just assumed that whomever I would have birthed would have collected the worst traits of Mr.Blue and myself.

Mostly though, I just marvel at how damn lucky we are. Blue2 is compassionate, kind, loving, smart, and generally a great deal of fun to be with. Her first mother and father must have been wonderful people. My biggest dissonance is realizing that the only reason this delightful human is in my life is because her parents died. Maybe I'll be able to reconcile that one day.

[Chupacabras]

My biggest dissonance is realizing that the only reason this delightful human is in my life ...

Come on, now!

The "only" reason is that you acted willingly to reach out. Your circumstance is the result of your self-determination, and I would be happy and proud of that.

[panamajoe]

My 2cents: My wife and I couldn’t have children, we were too poor to adopt, so we got in to foster care, a very tough but rewarding "position".

We were lucky enough that New Jersey required extensive training prior to being a foster parent. We learned a lot of good tips from experienced foster parents as well as the kind of ideas on raising children I think new parents used to get from their extended families.

We eventually had an opportunity to foster a new born. We understood that our role was to keep her safe, secure and healthy until such time that her birth family could get their lives in order, provide a safe environment, and then she would "go home". Well, long story short, the family could not / would not get off the street because of drug addiction. Parental rights were dissolved and we were allowed to adopt this precious little girl, and incredibly we adopted her little brother, born shortly before parental rights were dissolved. So, we had a "sibling group" that, according to authorities, are difficult to find homes for so the state of New Jersey paid all adoption fees for us!

We had the idea that we shouldn’t make a "Big Deal" about them being adopted, we talked about it when they asked, celebrated "adoption day" most every year. Our kids are now 19 and 20, are doing great and have a natural, I think, curiosity about their birth parents. I have shown them the various resources for finding their birth parents, adoption registries and I don't feel threatened by their interest.

I would highly encourage anyone, in particular smart folks who could give a stable environment to children, to get involved in foster care. The need is great and rewards immeasurable.

[bluess]

Thank you, Chupacabras.

I don't mind what I did - and I don't find it particularly heroic, charitable or giving. I wanted a child, couldn't have one from my body, and adopted. That's all about me, isn't it?

Its just odd to think that if Blue2's first mom and dad hadn't died, she wouldn't be my kid.

[bluess]

Bravo, Panamajoe! It is very difficult to be a foster parent, certainly it isn't something I could do. Congrats on a great family group.

[juryjone]

I don't mind what I did - and I don't find it particularly heroic, charitable or giving. I wanted a child, couldn't have one from my body, and adopted. That's all about me, isn't it?

Bravo, Panamajoe! It is very difficult to be a foster parent, certainly it isn't something I could do. Congrats on a great family group.


I would have to second both of these statements. I don't respond well to people who tell me how lucky my daughter was to have someone to adopt her. I consider myself to be the lucky one.

And I'm kind of selfish that way. Foster parenting would be incredibly difficult for me, because of the requirement to be able to give the children up. You're a better man than I am, panamajoe!

[bluess]

Ah, let's face it, many people are just stoopid about adoption. Pity them. Of course, the occasional joke at their expense is allowable.

~~ Paul

Thinking back on this, Paul, I haven't yet managed to get past the (ex)friend who said "Well, it won't be like she's really your kid." Some of the nastiest things were said by acquaintances and strangers. Perhaps because is he 6'4", Mr.Blue was not on the receiving end of any of the gems.

[AWPrime]

My little brother is adopted (south-korean in a dutch family). However he has low selfesteem which seems to have come from that he somehow feels abandoned by his biological parents.

As a result he became a compulsive liar from a very early age. Its pahological and he really believes his lies.

[kittynh]

Pool Boy and I really wanted to adopt. Even now we would adopt in a moment. But my health history makes it impossible. Though we have tried!

Heck, we had an awful time just finding a dog to adopt! (we were 11th on the list for a dog that had seizures!). But if you wait long enough you get a perfect dog like Dingo.

While we can't adopt, we donate to a place where we know they do a great job with the kids.

My own grandmother (who was like a mom to me) grew up in an orphanage from the age of 2. They did a great job, and she had many happy memories. She did go a little flapper crazy, but held a respectable career her whole life (which the orphanage made sure she got). She was never up for adoption as her father was alive (but had to travel for work).

But it does make me mad that some of these weird parents I see at school were allowed to adopt, and Pool Boy and I were left out!

Grrr

[bluess]

The whole homestudy process is invasive and generally idiotic. Prior to this, I had not experienced prejudice in my dealings with the government. We got to meet two ##$%s, both of whom had a problem with our economic standing and our mixed marriage.

[kittynh]

we were close to adopting from an orphanage in India. They were willing to over look my medical history.

All adoptions were handled by Lutheran Social services for our area (but they did not apply religion to the process, still it was weird). Lutheran Social Services would not allow the adoption to go through as 50% of the children from that orphanage turned out to be DARK SKINNED!!!!

Since we lived in an all white area, and the orphanage would not guarantee a "whiter" child....they would not approve the adoption!

What???

Mind you, Asians got through fine as there is a large Hmong population in Wisconsin. I pointed out that the average Japanese, Chinese, Korean child does NOT LOOK LIKE THE HMONG !!!

Didn't matter. So that adoption fell through. I think about where we live NOW and know that a dark child would be NO PROBLEM at all. Even where we lived in Wisconsin, heck, if it got bad we would have moved (in fact we did move because we didn't want our children growing up in such a close minded community...there were no gays -right!)

[supercorgi]

oh, there is a Danish saying that goes something like, "The youngest child is the King of the family".

We have that up at school.

IF they could only buy firearms they would rule the world.

I had the opposite experience. My 2 older brothers and old sister we're all adopted (the doctors evidently told my parents they couldn't get pregnant). Then at age 40 - ta da! my mom gets pregnant with me. My brothers and sister all knew they were adopted and used to tease me about not being adopted. They'd say "Mom and Dad wanted us but they just got stuck with you!"

And my parents chose to sort of ignore me when I was little because they felt guilty about me and the possibility that paying attention to me might seem like they were slighting the adopted kids. (they actually admitted this in family therapy.)

[blutoski]

The parents are now bringing in articles and such about "Adoptive Child Syndrome" to explain why their 3 year old acts out, or resents taking direction. Most of the parents are expecting some sort of "lower expectation" for their childs behavior because they suffer from this "syndrome".

Adopted children can have unique challenges, but this syndrome sounds like a half-baked catchall for different problems.

Most problems can be identified and treated appropriately, although not always with success.

Four factors that predict the severity of the problems are family dynamics, age at time of adption, language/cultural transition, and visible difference.

My undergraduate thesis for a B.A. in psych was to compare these last two adoption stressors and see if they compare to non-adoptive familes whose members need to be in distinct cultures or are visibly different, such as the handicapped.


In terms of family dynamics, there are two metrics in common use: a rigid/flexible axis and an independent enmeshed/disengaged axis. Adoptions work very well with a family that tends to flexible, but is more or less centered on the enmeshed/disengaged axis.

You can expect to see more adjustment problems with these issues:

1. children adopted at an older age
2. children adopted into familes with very different culture
3. children who are visibly very different than the new community
4. families who are too rigid or too flexible
5. families are too enmeshed or too disengaged

Each of these problems can be addressed, but in a diffrent way. That's why the catchall 'syndrome' seems so vague as to be useless.

-graeme

[Aurelian]

Do these parents want an IEP, or whatever the other (voluntary) plan is? Do they want their kids in special ed? Maybe if the parents realize what special ed means for their child, often-times being dummy-tracked, they would be a little less excitable about labelling behavior as "needing to be accomodated" and more proactive on behavior modification.

[kittynh]

we don't have IEPs or special ed as it is a private school. My own daughter that is LD attended the school as the teachers were cool and willing to work with me (and the private tutors I hired).

These parents just want the kids cut some slack. The kids have all been dragged to psychiatrists and such, with indefinite results. Nothing you can put your finger on besides a little attention disorder (but not awfully bad).

Kids with really bad LD tend to go to public school because private tutors are really expensive. Even well to do parents tend to balk at the costs (and I don't blame them).

This is just sort of a vague diagnosis, which seems to mean "my kid can't follow your plan for how to get him/her to sit still long enough to eat snack."