Software Developer Humor

[Chris Haynes]

One of the joys of being married to a software professional... requests to check out spoofs... software professionals will find some real truth in this:
http://www.waterfall2006.com/

[Wudang]

Nice one!

[Tirdun]

It started out funny, and then a slow cold feeling of familiarity crept over me. It nearly fails as a spoof because it is far, far, far too close to reality ;)

[jj]

It started out funny, and then a slow cold feeling of familiarity crept over me. It nearly fails as a spoof because it is far, far, far too close to reality ;)


trVth!

[Wudang]

It started out funny, and then a slow cold feeling of familiarity crept over me. It nearly fails as a spoof because it is far, far, far too close to reality ;)
In fact that's why I don't find the Office (UK version) funny. It's well observed but life beats it.

[DRBUZZ0]

I don't know if anybody knows anything about OOP, but my lady friend (who was also a computer science student) used the term "private member" quite frequently in a sort of dirty pun. We used others too...but that was my favorite

FYI: A private member is a computer programming term. It refers to a part of a class (don't worry about what a class is), which is not directly accessable by programs who use that class in their program. It is an internal thing which is meant to be hidden. Hence "private"

[JamesM]

I don't know if anybody knows anything about OOP, but my lady friend (who was also a computer science student) used the term "private member" quite frequently in a sort of dirty pun. We used others too...but that was my favorite
C++ users like to wheel out the definition that friends can fiddle with your privates.

I suppose you have to get your laughs where you can if you have to spend very much time programming in C++.

[Penny]

Oh, oh, so painfully true.

[DRBUZZ0]

C++ users like to wheel out the definition that friends can fiddle with your privates.

I suppose you have to get your laughs where you can if you have to spend very much time programming in C++.


Eh... Well, CPP isn't as moronically easy as VB, Of course...it's a lot faster and more flexable.

At least it's not Java though. Honestly, I can totally understand how someone who programs in Java would completely loose their ability to see anything good in the world around them. I don't know if there are any suicides attributed to programming in Java. But I'm sure there are a few.

They say the name "Java" comes from the fact that they drank a lot of coffee while developing it. I think it's more likely derived from the fact that working with java feels a lot like pouring a large pot of boiling hot coffee on your groin. (Or hotter than boiling...as it can get in a microwave oven)

Besides...what the hell kind of programmer drinks coffee? Everyone knowns Mountain Dew is the lifeblood of the IT industry.

[Wowbagger]

I missed this conference. I was too busy converting my Q&D TSQL-to-XML hack job into a polished user application, to support some newly perceived competitive edge by upper management.

Don't ya hate it when that happens?

[DRBUZZ0]

Management guy: "What are we using for our databasing now?"

IT Guy: "Well, we were half way through converting from c plus plus to java, on the grounds that you 'heard a lot about this java stuff. I think it's going to be hot' however, now we're converting to SQL, because 'I hear that's where things are going'"

Management Guy: "Hmm. Have you heard anything about Ajax? Not the cleaner. I'm not sure what it is, but I saw a bunch of new books for it in the store at the airport. Also, I googled it and it seems like people say good things about it"

IT Guy: Yeah.. Actually, that's a web application kinda thing. It allows you to make nifty desktop type stuff on websites.

Management Guy: Can we convert our databases to it.

IT Guy: Well. It's not really for that. Um...let me think. I mean...I suppose you could use it for database processing and stuff. I don't know of anybody using it for that though.

Management guy: Great! We'll be ahead of the game this time! Get right on it!

[Smike]

http://www.leasticoulddo.com/comics/strips/20050312.gif :D

[tsg]

IT Guy: Yeah.. Actually, that's a web application kinda thing. It allows you to make nifty desktop type stuff on websites.

First mistake: never use the words "nifty" and "website" anywhere near each other when talking to management. Even sarcastically.

Management Guy: Can we convert our databases to it.

IT Guy: Well. It's not really for that. Um...let me think. I mean...I suppose you could use it for database processing and stuff. I don't know of anybody using it for that though.

Second mistake: The answer to this question is "no".

[GodMark2]

Management Guy: Can we convert our databases to it.

IT Guy: Well. It's not really for that. Um...let me think. I mean...I suppose you could use it for database processing and stuff. I don't know of anybody using it for that though.

Second mistake: The answer to this question is "no".

No, that wil leave them room to wiggle. The correct answer is:


Well, the Ajax <technobabble> doesn't have the <techmodifier><technobabble> to properly <techaction> to the existing <techmodifier><technobabble> unless we <technobabble> the <tech>, which would cause our revenue to drop while raising our expenses.

Hit 'em in the wallet, it's the only place that hurts.

[Wudang]

Sharp intake of breath "Risky. Give me a couple of hours and I'll let you know how much we'd have to slip the schedule by."

Or "Oh yeah, that would help my business case for the new servers and the guys have been complaining that they wanted more training."

Never say "It's possible but...." IT managers can only process 2 words at a time.

[Raphael]

'Twas the Night Before Beta (http://www.elsop.com/wrc/humor/nitebeta.htm)

[epepke]

Besides...what the hell kind of programmer drinks coffee? Everyone knowns Mountain Dew is the lifeblood of the IT industry.

Mountain Dew is for Mac programmers. What you see is what you get. Goes in yellow, comes out yellow.

Windows programmers drink Jolt.

[DRBUZZ0]

This is actually which is very firmiliar to me:

(you can substitute home customer or office manager or anyone else non-technical for "management guy")

Magement guy: "I can't believe this. We just got new computers and they're slower than the old ones!"

IT Guy: "Well, I tried to explain to you... um...computers don't get slower with age. They may not be able to run the newest software as well as newer ones, but the ones we had were perfectly fine"

Management guy: "Well, what's wrong with them"

IT Guy: "They're full of malware. Spyware, worms, adware, crap on the taskbar, ect"

Management guy: "Weren't you supposed to do something about that?"

IT Guy: "Yes, I set up a system to block problematic sites and to prevent users from installing unapproved programs and to force them to backup the data"

Management guy: "Well...what happend?

It Guy: "Everyone complained that they couldn't get to their sites or install snood or anything. So, after you sent me an angry memo, I had to take the system down."

Management guy: "So what do we have now"

IT Guy: "Well, I installed some virus and spyware scanners, some backup utilities and such. And I posted an index card taped to the top of each and every monitor telling the employees in very bold print not to install certain software, not to click on popup links and to run a scan if there are any problems and report it if they could not fix it with a simple system scan. Then I handed out hardcopies to everyone of a simple pamplet I wrote up, explaining how to keep the computer secure. Instead of writing it out like a letter, I wrote it out as a bulleted list with screenshots and clipart. I figured it would be easier for idiots to read"

Management guy: "Well why hasn't this system worked?"

IT Guy: "Beats me..."

[Dark Jaguar]

Snood? Haha, that Bust a Move ripoff? :D Not NEARLY cute enough as the original!

And yes, let it be known that any mechanism you come up with to prevent users from ruining their own machines will get you in trouble.

[Crispy Duck]

An old one...

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it's a hardware problem.