I'm Getting A Gun to Protect My Home From Alligators

[bob_kark]

After all the recent alligator home invasions, I've decided its time to protect myself. I'm just wondering, should I go for a shotgun, hunting rifle, or 50 cal just to be certain? Should I purchase a different gun to protect myself from bobcats and deer?

[BPSCG]

My experience has been you'd be wasting your time and money messing around with the smaller stuff. You want to go fully automatic (http://www.firstworldwar.com/battles/graphics/russianmachinegun.jpg). Remember, where 'gators are concerned, you can never have too much gun. That's a lesson you don't want to have to learn while a 'gator is chewing off your arm.

[David Swidler]

If CFL sees you with a gator on a plane, will he kill you?

[bob_kark]

Would land mines be a good idea? Also, should I spend the extra cash and go for hollow points?

[WildCat]

Would land mines be a good idea? Also, should I spend the extra cash and go for hollow points?
Land mines are always a good idea, can't have too many of those. They'll also keep winking snakes and Jehovah's Witnesses away.

Hollow points aren't any more expensive as far as ammo is concerned.

[Hutch]

Nah, go for the big stuff...

http://bronzecannon.com/reenactors.htm

...and give the Gators a whiff of grapeshot!

(I know BPSCG would approve...;) :D )

[roger]

Poison. Dump cyanide all around the perimeter of your property.

[Sir Arthur Mortal Coyle]

I think it's disgusting that you can contemplate using a Gun on an animal such as this, don't you know that the skin will be worthless riddled with holes, and who wants an Alligator hand bag with a hole in it, or for that matter a nice pair of shoes that let water in. No, what you want to do is take lessons in Alligator wrestling, thus subduing it, strangling it, and making a tidy little profit from it's hide.

PS this method placates the anti-gun brigade and CFL ,especially as you can even do it on an aircraft.

Also this is not a very catchy thread title, something like "Does David Hasselhoff get the joke?" would clearly be better.:rolleyes:

[BPSCG]

Nah, go for the big stuff...

http://bronzecannon.com/reenactors.htm
And only $16,950!!! Plus shipping and handling, or you could pick it up in Illinois.

Me, I'd pick it up. I notice it has a trailer hitch, so I could tow it behind my car. Then I'd drive in the interstate left lane at a speed exactly matching the guy just to my right. Let's see if anyone comes up from behind and flashes his lights at me!
...and give the Gators a whiff of grapeshot!

(I know BPSCG would approve...;) :D )I prefer shrapnel. Cheaper and easier to resupply - just go to your local auto graveyard and rummage through the screws, nuts and bolts...

[Luke T.]

Yeah, a cannon is fine when the gator is back around the tree line. But those bastards can move fast, both forward and sideways. Reconfiguring the cannon can take too long.

What you need is a Phalanx 4500 rounds per minute, radar-guided, 20mm, by-gawd gator-killing Close-In Weapons System (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhiIhbtZbdk&search=ciws).

It's also good for aerating your soil, with the depleted uranium guaranteeing award-winning pumpkins.

[HarryKeogh]

I think you should grab your cane, dog and child and limp away as quickly as possible from the alligator and if necessary dive through the empty space next to the doggie door to reach safety.

[Bikewer]

No manly man would use a firearm on a gator. Didn't you see Crocodile Dundee?

Oh wait, that was a croc....But related, huh?

[Aristides]

I hope this is in Florida. You see, I'm moving to Florida in three weeks. If there's a plague of alligators invading homes...well, let's just same I'm a poor grad student who's going to need some supplementary income (and excersize), after all.

[Apollyon]

I live in Florida and very close to a lake that has an estimated population of a couple hundred gators, so they are always a potential problem. Since I'm averse to guns, instead I keep a couple of poodles around for this very contingency. If I see a gator in the garage I grab a poodle (a poodle puppy if it's a small gator) and toss it over the gator's head. They inevitably go after the poodle.

The gator leaves the garage unharmed and it's one less poodle in the world. Kills two birds with one stone; a win-win situation.

[BPSCG]

I hope this is in Florida. You see, I'm moving to Florida in three weeks. If there's a plague of alligators invading homes...well, let's just same I'm a poor grad student who's going to need some supplementary income (and excersize), after all.Think gator steaks on the grille, to reduce your grocery bill.

[HarryKeogh]

If the alligator is a Muslim I will shoot him with a pork bullet.

[bob_kark]

Nah, go for the big stuff...

http://bronzecannon.com/reenactors.htm

Well, if the gators ever organize to form a militia, I'll be sure to keep it in mind. It also looks like it would make an intersting punch bowl.

[bob_kark]

Yeah, a cannon is fine when the gator is back around the tree line. But those bastards can move fast, both forward and sideways. Reconfiguring the cannon can take too long.

What you need is a Phalanx 4500 rounds per minute, radar-guided, 20mm, by-gawd gator-killing Close-In Weapons System (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhiIhbtZbdk&search=ciws).

It's also good for aerating your soil, with the depleted uranium guaranteeing award-winning pumpkins.
Ah, that would've been a great idea. But, I sold my battleship last week...

[Cheesejoff]

I think you should capture an Alligator and train it to attack other Alligators and door-to-door salesmen.

[Meffy]

Buncha sissies (except Bikewer). A nice ACME #6 twenty-four-pound mallet is the weapon you want. For a few dollars extra you can get it pre-mushroomed so it looks the part while it does the job.

[bob_kark]

Buncha sissies (except Bikewer). A nice ACME #6 twenty-four-pound mallet is the weapon you want. For a few dollars extra you can get it pre-mushroomed so it looks the part while it does the job.

I think you should capture an Alligator and train it to attack other Alligators and door-to-door salesmen.

I like the way you two think. Do either of you have a cost benefit analysis prepared? I need to get a plan in place soon. Its gator season here in Virginia.

[Ohmer]

This would work:

Street Sweeper (http://world.guns.ru/shotgun/SH09-E.HTM)

Quickly Firing 12 rounds from this this this may be more difficult than fighting the gator with a knife.

[SteveGrenard]

I like the way you two think. Do either of you have a cost benefit analysis prepared? I need to get a plan in place soon. Its gator season here in Virginia.

I didn't realize that alligators were such a big threat in Virginia.

[brodski]

If the alligator is a Muslim I will shoot him with a pork bullet. is that some kind of euphemism? :p

[bob_kark]

I didn't realize that alligators were such a big threat in Virginia.
They're swarming up here. Only 4 months ago or so they found one in a reservoir nearby. I'm certainly not taking any chances.

[SteveGrenard]

They're swarming up here. Only 4 months ago or so they found one in a reservoir nearby. I'm certainly not taking any chances.

They used to be pretty rare to non-existent in Virginia but I guess that's changed. I found the following account:

http://www.washingtontimes.com/metro/20050524-120815-9035r.htm

[bob_kark]

They used to be pretty rare to non-existent in Virginia but I guess that's changed. I found the following account:

http://www.washingtontimes.com/metro/20050524-120815-9035r.htm
See! Its a virtual epidemic!

[Trantor]

There are a bunch of gators in every lake here in Cental Florida. My only suggestion to anyone who happens to get attacked is - Go for the Eye! After he (the gator) gets you, try to poke your finger in his eye or hit him hard in the eye. Gators like other animals, only want an easy meal. They prefer victims that don't fight back and may injure them. So, fight like the devil and he may decide that you are just too much trouble.

[fuelair]

After all the recent alligator home invasions, I've decided its time to protect myself. I'm just wondering, should I go for a shotgun, hunting rifle, or 50 cal just to be certain? Should I purchase a different gun to protect myself from bobcats and deer?

Assuming you can aim straight and hit what you aim at, an S&W .460 loaded with .454 Casull if in your house and .460 if at greater distance. (That's a revolver, in case unsure.) Avoid shotguns in the house where possible. Leave a terrible mess.

[shemp]

You don't need a gun to stop an alligator. Surround your property with tire spike strips. They'll deflate any alligator before it gets anywhere near your door.

[bob_kark]

You don't need a gun to stop an alligator. Surround your property with tire spike strips. They'll deflate any alligator before it gets anywhere near your door.
Yeah, but then the other alligators will just walk over the first one, like in prison movies where they put a jacket on the barbed wire fence to avoid being cut. Too bad for gators that they don't wear jackets.

[Luke T.]

There are a bunch of gators in every lake here in Cental Florida. My only suggestion to anyone who happens to get attacked is - Go for the Eye! After he (the gator) gets you, try to poke your finger in his eye or hit him hard in the eye.

But what if he puts his claw vertically between his eyes and blocks your eye poke maneuver? Then you have to have a ladder over your shoulder and swing around to talk to another stooge so he gets hit by the back end.

[Meffy]

I have no cost-benefit analysis, but I can tell you that ACME mallets will perform every time. Performance consists of:

1) making a loud BONK! sound effect when alligator or other target is struck,
2) summoning a ring of stars or birdies to circle the victim's head, and either
3a) causing a large lump to rise from the impact site (sfx: slide-whistle gliss up) or
3b) placing the victim in a "splat" position with tongue sticking out and eyes all a-google (sfx: cuckoo clock).

Delivery's quick too.

P.S.: True fact: Alligators can close their jaws with great force, but not open against strong resistance. Alligator wrestlers must do their best to clamp those jaws firmly shut or there'll be more of a show than they intended.

[JamesDillon]

I have no cost-benefit analysis, but I can tell you that ACME mallets will perform every time.
I've heard that ACME products are known to backfire on the user in ironic and amusing ways.

[bob_kark]

I have no cost-benefit analysis, but I can tell you that ACME mallets will perform every time. Performance consists of:

1) making a loud BONK! sound effect when alligator or other target is struck,
2) summoning a ring of stars or birdies to circle the victim's head, and either
3a) causing a large lump to rise from the impact site (sfx: slide-whistle gliss up) or
3b) placing the victim in a "splat" position with tongue sticking out and eyes all a-google (sfx: cuckoo clock).

Delivery's quick too.

P.S.: True fact: Alligators can close their jaws with great force, but not open against strong resistance. Alligator wrestlers must do their best to clamp those jaws firmly shut or there'll be more of a show than they intended.
See, I like the "splat" position when the mouth becomes slack and the eyes spin until they hit a jackpot, causing the victim's teeth to fall out. Does it have that function as well or do I need to upgrade to the ACME #9?

[Meffy]

That is a particularly stylish effect. To achieve it is not easy though. Keep in mind that "it's not the brush, it's the artist." *nodnod*

[a_unique_person]

No manly man would use a firearm on a gator. Didn't you see Crocodile Dundee?

Oh wait, that was a croc....But related, huh?

According to the Crocodile Hunter (steve irwin), the gators are just little babies. It's the snapping turtles you have to watch out for.

[empeake]

Violence, so much violence! :mad:

What you have to do is get an animal psychic.

The idea is that the alligator eats the psychic instead of you. You're protected, and one less woo. Double bonus! :D