Frank Newgent
26th October 2002, 07:20 PM
"Did you ever notice how preoccupied and taken up by the funniest things some people get? You'd think they were Bin Laden at the premiere of Fox television's "When Jews Attack". Why is that? I never thought anyone was out to get me until I saw those kids wearing headsets in the drive through at Urger Bing. Makes me wonder just who was instructing them what exactly to put into my food to cause this paranoia.
Phyllis Schlafly found out. I mean about all those stinking Commie babies being born behind the slaves' quarters right there in the Heritage Foundation. And how about those Wackenhut pastry magnets in the white Jeep Cherokee that had me under surveillance for a while last month? Tried throwing them off by switching cars with some illegal Mexican immigrants. And now, by golly, they own that doughnut shop.
But what's up with those giant high tension power lines in the back yard? Like Nikola Tesla strafing the redwoods of Venus last night: some kind of National Missle Defense superheater generating a stream of sub-atomic particles and heli-arc plasma explosions broke all my garage windows and knocked over a birdhouse. That'll destroy the North Korean industrial base right there. Any day now some targeted missile with a surface reflecting enough undiffused light to form a virtual image of the object before it - come and get this damn thing from behind my garage - is going to be re-orienting that space bankers' voodoo right back onto us. Muhammad knows mirrors. X-ray laser ricochets off the Mothership igniting knotty pine lawn furniture fetching $750 on EBay: is this is what I get for sending fifteen per cent to the Social Security Trust Fund? How else are these kleptocrats determining what we're supposed to believe is real going to get paid for singing karaoke in a traveling shower stall, for crying out loud?
No bad idea undergoing the trouble of actually happening would be complete without a few shells from a thirty-aught-six. I spotted that goddamned superheater up there right about where Ready Kilowatt's wing nuts oughta be. If the next Defense Department CSPAN press conference on NMD doesn't bring up the unexplained detonation of one of its microwave hyper-pulse EMR mind f*@>ing Nazi death ray vaporizers, you oughta know one of those right wing nuts got me first. Hmm. Maybe I should just go ahead and write Saddam Hussein about the "Dollar Store" web site before Dick Cheney raises enough centimos to destabilize Venezuela by timesharing him mega-optics off the Hubble Space Telescope.
And who knows what's up with Bush's new diet of broccoli and too much carrot juice? Sometimes vegetarian rage - slowly built up as psychotoxic pesticides accumulate in the nervous system - can erupt without warning. Like those PETA activists running that station wagon of Dominican nuns off some bridge on the West Virginia turnpike. While at other times you might get a little more advance notice. Been reading the paper much lately? Yup, you're looking at it. Here's to hoping the Dim Bulb in Daddy's Thousand Points of Light goes back to liver mush and baked beans real soon. And Indonesia: didn't they peacefully remove a president widely viewed as incompetent? How can we sign up for that? Gluehead won't be the fourth non-Catholic inducted into the Vatican's pontifical order after Rupert Murdoch, Bob Hope and Walt Disney's brother at this rate.
Sigh. You know, a Canadian buddy of mine was bonking Jeb's wife for years. Think I'm kidding? You don't happen to have Bill McBride's phone number, do you?
I'm Larry Ki-ing."
Phyllis Schlafly found out. I mean about all those stinking Commie babies being born behind the slaves' quarters right there in the Heritage Foundation. And how about those Wackenhut pastry magnets in the white Jeep Cherokee that had me under surveillance for a while last month? Tried throwing them off by switching cars with some illegal Mexican immigrants. And now, by golly, they own that doughnut shop.
But what's up with those giant high tension power lines in the back yard? Like Nikola Tesla strafing the redwoods of Venus last night: some kind of National Missle Defense superheater generating a stream of sub-atomic particles and heli-arc plasma explosions broke all my garage windows and knocked over a birdhouse. That'll destroy the North Korean industrial base right there. Any day now some targeted missile with a surface reflecting enough undiffused light to form a virtual image of the object before it - come and get this damn thing from behind my garage - is going to be re-orienting that space bankers' voodoo right back onto us. Muhammad knows mirrors. X-ray laser ricochets off the Mothership igniting knotty pine lawn furniture fetching $750 on EBay: is this is what I get for sending fifteen per cent to the Social Security Trust Fund? How else are these kleptocrats determining what we're supposed to believe is real going to get paid for singing karaoke in a traveling shower stall, for crying out loud?
No bad idea undergoing the trouble of actually happening would be complete without a few shells from a thirty-aught-six. I spotted that goddamned superheater up there right about where Ready Kilowatt's wing nuts oughta be. If the next Defense Department CSPAN press conference on NMD doesn't bring up the unexplained detonation of one of its microwave hyper-pulse EMR mind f*@>ing Nazi death ray vaporizers, you oughta know one of those right wing nuts got me first. Hmm. Maybe I should just go ahead and write Saddam Hussein about the "Dollar Store" web site before Dick Cheney raises enough centimos to destabilize Venezuela by timesharing him mega-optics off the Hubble Space Telescope.
And who knows what's up with Bush's new diet of broccoli and too much carrot juice? Sometimes vegetarian rage - slowly built up as psychotoxic pesticides accumulate in the nervous system - can erupt without warning. Like those PETA activists running that station wagon of Dominican nuns off some bridge on the West Virginia turnpike. While at other times you might get a little more advance notice. Been reading the paper much lately? Yup, you're looking at it. Here's to hoping the Dim Bulb in Daddy's Thousand Points of Light goes back to liver mush and baked beans real soon. And Indonesia: didn't they peacefully remove a president widely viewed as incompetent? How can we sign up for that? Gluehead won't be the fourth non-Catholic inducted into the Vatican's pontifical order after Rupert Murdoch, Bob Hope and Walt Disney's brother at this rate.
Sigh. You know, a Canadian buddy of mine was bonking Jeb's wife for years. Think I'm kidding? You don't happen to have Bill McBride's phone number, do you?
I'm Larry Ki-ing."