ALERT: Breaking News

[Sword_Of_Truth]

Dylan Avery, Alex Jones, Steven Jones, Mr. K. Town, Mr. P. Doherty, John Doe the 10th and serveral others passed from public consciousness early this morning following a serious incident at the Scholars Folly Quote Mine.

Early reports are sketchy, but believed to be 100% accurate, that the incident resulted from extreme overzealousness and lack of coordination by workers at the mine. The lack attention paid by the workers to the mines dogmatic integrity is believed to have started a chain reaction. Due to the over-eagerness of the miners, several articles were removed from the mine in thier entirety with thier context intact. This left the mine critically short of theoretical support usually provided by the portions of articles deliberately left in the mine by those working it. The lack of philosophical stability is believed to caused the miners worldview to suffer a free fall collapse about thier heads.

Those lost in the incident are survived by Micheal Moore, Oliver Stone and several "consultants" formerly employed by Charlie Sheen in a series of high intensity, very short term contracts. None of whom could be bothered to comment.

[LashL]

Tragic.

Simply tragic.

No, really.

Reeally.

:dl:

[uk_dave]

Update:

After the tragic 'scholar's folly quote mine' disaster, a fema spokesperson was asked how rescue attempts were proceeding and replied :

"Dylan who?"

[W6102LA]

pfffft..i wanna see some video footage before i believe it

;)

[alexg]

Update:

Efforts to save the trapped miners were discontinued early today when the mines new owner, Larry Silverstein, instructed rescue workers to pull out. "There had been enough loss of time and bandwidth so I told them to pull it and they did and then I instructed them to pour 10 tons of hot tar and feathers into the hole in an effort to stabilize the shaft."










ETA: This last action is alreday the subject of a new controversy as Mr. Christopher Brown, 35, of La La California, has claimed that concrete, and not the usual tar/feather slurry, was used to seal the mine.

[Sword_Of_Truth]

The Scholars Folly Quote Mine disaster took a new turn today when a paper written by 13 year old Katie Snow, vice-president of the Provo Utah chapter of the Hilary Duff fan club disputed the "official" version of what happened in the mine.

Katie claims that the recovery of bits of white lace trim and pink satin along with clothing tags in mens sizes indicates that the mine may have been intentionally collapsed through the use of transvestite, a powerful military grade incendiary known for its flaming.

[jhunter1163]

PROVO, Utah (AP) - A witness to the Scholars Folly Mine disaster claimed that the plume of smoke that came from the mine "didn't look right to me".

Mr. Truth Sneaker, who did not give a hometown, stated that when the disaster occurred, "the smoke just came right up out of the ground in a big puff. Then everyone started running like a horde of Hottentots. I looked at that smoke, and it just didn't look right. I went back to my car and got my kid's history book, and sure enough, it didn't look like ANY of the plumes of smoke in there."

Sneaker then showed several pictures of smoke plumes from campfires, World War II bombings and nuclear blasts to support his contention.

Sneaker had more to say, but this reporter lost interest and went off in search of a Dunkin' Donuts.

[sleahead]

Scholars Quote Mine Folly Disaster update: Rescue workers at the scene believe there may be a survivor. It is claimed that a faint voice has been detected coming from the bandwith rubble. An early analysis of the data indicates the message to be:

"Spose u lot fink ur funny"

The identity of the possible survivor is not known at this time.

[Spins]

Did the miners worldview collapse at the "speed of gravity"?

[kookbreaker]

Did the miners worldview collapse at the "speed of gravity"?

Faster!

[defaultdotxbe]

well gravy said the quote mine needed a canary, lol

[Spins]

Faster!
So their worldview collapsed faster than the "speed of gravity", that means it travelled back in time! *shocked*

It's all beginning to make sense their worldview collapsed faster than the "speed of gravity" and it travelled back in time to a point before modern mathematics, structural engineering, and common sense existed!

No wonder their theories are all nonsense, bring back occam's razor all is forgiven!

:D

[Bell]

New Details Emerge: FEMA Tells Disaster May Have Been Attack

FEMA tells CNN that what at first appeared to be a tragic accident, may very well have been a carefully planned and deliberate attack on the victims. While the scholars took great care in mining quotes, it now seems other persons, yet to be named, have been taking out quotes in their full context, thus instabilizing the mine, and endangering the lives of the scholars. More details to follow.

[jhunter1163]

NYC Man Questioned in Scholars Folly Quote Mine Collapse

Provo, UT (AP) - Local police have confirmed that a New York City man has been questioned in connection with the recent collapse at the Scholars Folly Quote Mine.

A source close to the investigation has identified the man as Mark Roberts, who is presently employed as a tour guide in New York City. The source revealed that a large number of in-context quotes were found in Mr. Roberts' possession.

"That many correct quotes could do catastrophic damage down there," said the source, who refused to be named for this story on the grounds that his mom would be mad if she found out he was talking to the papers again, since the last time he did that she got nasty letters from a lawyer.

The source had more to say, but this reporter had to continue his quest for a Dunkin' Donuts. Are there NO Dunkin' Donuts stores in Provo?

[Oliver]

A series of conspiracy theories is rising about yesterdays incident. Three students who startet a fictional movie about the event say, after reviewing the best supporting witnesses, that the whole incident was a controlled demolition caused by the us-government. These witnesses said that there were multiple explosions before the collapse - a clear sign for explosives, the students say.

Sceptics who have been asked about these thories say that these explosions were caused by imploding logic. A typical reaction during conspiracy theories - especially in quote-mines.

In the meanwhile the quotemine industry started a "War on error" searching for the persons in charge for the disaster. Since their efforts to investigate the incident didn´t bring any results, they started to blame each other while outsiders of the quote-movment didn´t wonder about the incident at all. :D

[Brainache]

Provo UT (AP):
In an attempt to bring the evil doers responsible for the quote mine disaster to justice, the Gov't of Freedonia have orchestrated a campaign of "Schlock and Bore" to quell these NY based followers of Mr Roberts (AKA Gravy).
Freedonian spokesmen say the invasion of Baltimore will commence next week.

[Bell]

FBI Complies To FOIA Request

A FOIA request to the FBI, asking for release of their evidence that New York resident Mark Roberts is involved with the attack on the Scholar's Quote Mine, was complied. The FBI released a shocking picture made by Roberts. In the picture, Roberts depicts himself shooting at the Scholars. The FBI will not release any further evidence, until at the trail. A trail date has not been yet been set.

http://forums.randi.org/customavatars/avatar8790_13.gif

Source: http://www.fbi.gov/

[LashL]

PROVO, Utah (AP) - Self proclaimed psychic, Sylvia Browne, claims that all but one of the potential victims of the Scholars Folly Quote Mine disaster are alive and well.









oh... er... um... that's not likely to turn out so well for the 'troofers', is it?

[qarnos]

Photo of Disaster Emerges

An amateur photographer has released a photograph of what appears to be the immediate aftermath of the mine collapse, showing a plume of smoke rising from the mine.

At least one critic, however, has proclaimed the photo as being a forgery.

An internet poster, known only as "Murderville", has posted on his blog that the photograph was faked based upon a comparison of the photo with that of a minor car accident.

"You can see that the two plumes look nothing like each other", he said.

Murderville also went on to add that the photographed plume bears a striking resembelance to an explosion he saw in a movie once, suggesting that even if the photo is real, it more than likely depicts a deliberate set-up by the government.

Murderville is not the only internet poster who is suggesting a government cover-up.

Another poster, going by the name of "Christyb", claims to have seen a documentary regarding the construction of the quote mine, and that the mine was built with a concrete core, adding that "No quote-mine with a concrete core has ever collapsed before".

Although no trace of this documentary could be found, Christyb insisted that it exists, although she admitted that it is possible that the government hypnotised everyone at birth to ensure it would never be found.

Peter Harvey,
Canberra.

[jhunter1163]

Keebler Elves Deny Involvement In Mine Collapse

Provo, UT (AP) - A spokeself for the Keebler Elves denied today that the elves were involved in the Scholars Folly Quote Mine disaster.

"We had nothing to do with it", the spokeself said. "One of the Scholars did once compare the World Trade Center buildings to our tree, but that's the extent of it. We had no prior knowledge of the collapse."

When pressed on the details of the comparison, the spokeself had no comment. He/she did have some pretty darn good cookies, though, which helped to make up for the absence of a Dunkin' Donuts in Provo.

[60hzxtl]

Oneonta, New York - Residents here say that the loss of Dylan Avery is the biggest news to hit this community since the terrible Bowling Accident of 1974. Trucks carrying blank DVD's bound for this town were rerouted, and Maxell stock took a 2% drop on the news.

[Hellbound]

New Development in Quote MIne Collapse: Possible Evidence of Explosives Found

Today investigators announced the latest in a series of investigations of yesterday's Quote Mine collapse. Independent researchers found evidence of possible explosives in use at the mine during the collapse. Chemical residues found on pieces of rock from the collapse site contain traces of explosive residue, according to experts.

One such expert, Rema Hass, did an extensive chemical analysis of the rubble. Hass, a gas station attendant, found "traces of carbon, nitrogen, and oxygen at the collapse site. There was hydrogen, too. And everyone knows those are components in explosives! Not to mention the pyroclastic flow."

When asked why this explosion produced a pyroclastic flow when other explosions do not produce such (and no evidence of one was found), Mr. Hass replied "To make it look like it wasn't CD!"

Independent investigators have said they will make use of this information to further their investigations, and plan to post it to dozens of web sites and internet forums in their unending quest for truth.

[60hzxtl]

Mr. Hass said also that there were "traces of Sulpher" detected, but that it was soon after his lunch, and that it might be a false positive, and did not want to curry favor with any one side.

[Foolmewunz]

We interrupt our regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you this breaking news item.

The WB Network now takes you live to the Quote Mine Mining Disaster.

"Geraldo Rivera, here! I am trying to comprehend this tragedy in human terms and unable to find a single skinhead to punch me in the mouth, I'm here with a long-time member of the UQMW - The United Quote Mine Workers - who for reasons that will be obvious, has asked that we do not reveal his name. We have disguised his voice, also, as if his information comes out, he feels his life could be endangered."

"For anonymity sake, we'll just call him, Mr. X."
"So, Truthseeker1234.... um, I mean 'Mr. X', please explain to our audience what you have been trying to get the investigators here to understand..."

TS1234: "Well, Mr. Koppell, I just need to know if anyone can account for the fact that every quote has been reduced to 1 micron sized particles. I have observed many such Quote Mine disasters in these polaroids taken by a defrocked Seventh Day Adventist from the back of the banana seat on a BMX bicycle, and not one has the quotes powderized to this extent. If this is an investigation, why is no one answering that question. Just how did these partial quotes get powderized?"

Geraldo: "So, can you please tell our audience what evidence led you to this startling hypothesis."

TS1234: "Evidence? We don't need no stinkin' evidence! I observed it. You could observe it to if you weren't a NWO government shill. It's clear. Look at this photo! Do you see any quotes larger than a micron??? Huh?"

Geraldo: "Well, yes, I do. There's one right here and there are thirty or forty right over there, and oh, must be just hundreds and hundreds of them."

TS1234: "I don't see them. Prove to me that those are really larger than a micron. Those aren't quotes. Those are steel beams. I said "quotes larger than a micron", and no one can show me any quotes larger than a micron. Do you hear me, you retard..... QUOTES LARGER THAN A MICRON!!"

Geraldo (checking contract for loopholes). "Aw fuggit, I'm gonna punch you in the mouth. It'll be good for ratings! :catfight: :catfight: We now return you to your regular programming...."

[chipmunk stew]

Quote Mine Incident Attracts International Sympathy

London, England (AP) - The British Quote Miners Association expressed solidarity with their fallen American brothers today. They issued the following press release:

"...hundreds of explosions..."
"...like a missile..."
"...Dylan Avery [is a] god..."
"...pull it..."
"...boom-boom-boom-boom-boom!..."
"...smell my finger..."

BQMA plans on holding a bullhorn vigil this Thursday at the London Children's Cancer Ward.

[jhunter1163]

Wis. Quote Mine Closed For Safety Violations

Madison, WI (AP) - A quote mine near here was closed today by federal inspectors after dangerous levels of methane were detected issuing from the mine.

The closing comes just a day after the Scholars Folly Quote Mine disaster, in which several people passed from public consciousness after an apparent logical collapse.

"Yep, they shut it down," Madison Police Chief Harvey Winkler said. "The methane levels were way above safe maximums. There must have been tons of manure in there to get those kinds of readings."

The mine's owner, James Fetzer, would not comment, leaving this reporter once again to search for a Dunkin' Donuts in the backwaters of rural America.

[Bell]

FBI Discovers Mark Roberts Video Tape

Earlier today, an FBI spokeswoman told the gathered press that they had uncovered a videotape showing Mark Roberts, the alleged perpetrator of the Foley Quote Mine Attack, harrashing Alex Jones, one of the victims. The tape was made roughly one month before the attack.

"The video is very unsettling to watch" the FBI spokeswoman said "and clearly shows that Roberts is using quotes in full context, allegedly taken from the Quote Mine, and throwing those quotes at poor mr. Jones."

"This is only the tip of the iceberg" a Republican senator told "and shows to what extends this Mark Roberts is willing to go." The senator threw up his hands in despear. "Here we have a man, attacking a defenseless quote miner with full context quotes. Those are the same full context quotes that caused the latter collapse. This makes me feel very sad."

Perry Logan, when asked, wonders why Alex Jones could not have predicted the Foley Quote Main disaster. It could have saved him, and other Scholars from this calamity. "It looks like Jones failed to uncover this crusial information from the secret NWO website. I'll be adding a YouTube video, commemorating Jones, to my website very soon."

[jhunter1163]

Interview With Quote Mine Disaster Survivor

Provo, UT (AP) - Excerpt from an interview with a Scholars Folly Quote Mine disaster survivor:

Q: Now, Mr., ah, I'm sorry, what's your name again?

A: Call me Ishmael.

Q: Thank you, Mr. Ishmael. Can you tell me what happened there?

A: It was the worst of times.

Q: How did you manage to escape?

A: We ran through the bushes, and we ran through the brambles, and we ran through the briars where a rabbit couldn't go.

Q: Was the mine safe? Some people have said that the mine needed a canary.

A: Quoth the Raven, nevermore.

Q: Were there high levels of methane in the mine?

A: Jumping Jack flash, he's a gas, gas, gas.

Q: Thank you, Mr. Ishmael.

[chipmunk stew]

African Zionists Seen Fleeing SF Mine
Kristopher Boyle, American Quote Miners Press

Provo, UT - As first responders arrived, witnesses saw a tribe of Africans fleeing the Scholars Folly Mine disaster, blood dripping from their lips, yelling "For Israel!" and cackling maniacally. One witness said the "horde of Hottentots" running from the scene "just didn't look right".

Zionist corporations mine precious African minerals (to line their greedy, penny-pinching pockets) and use it to pay tribal members to commit acts of terrorism and cannibalism. It also helped fund Israel's infrared beam weapon research.

[jhunter1163]

Labor Unrest Spreading Among Quote Miners

Pretoria, South Africa (Reuters) - Hundreds of quote miners demonstrated around the world today against unsafe working conditions in the wake of a series of incidents at quote mines.

Saleem Gajindi, head of the Hottentot Organization of Quote Miners (HOQUM), said in a prepared statement, "We're mad as hell, and we're not gonna take it anymore!" Hundreds of rank-and-file quote miners marched behind him, shouting "Hell no, we won't go!"

James Fetzer, owner of the largest quote mine in the United States, said in a press release, "My orgnization will do its utmost to make up the shortfall caused by this situation. We have always, in the past, provided 100% context-free quotes and will continue to do so."

Fetzer's mine, however, remains closed due to enormous methane emissions.