The GM
30th October 2006, 08:43 PM
Here we are, two years later…
Two years ago on an internet forum may as well be a millennium. I’m not so memorable as to believe that most people here recall what happened to me two years ago today. A couple of you might, and I thank you for your well wishes.
For several reasons, I have not posted to this forum in awhile. But I started this idea here, seemed like I should finish the thought here.
If you’re curious, you can do a search to find the original thread by the same name, and a subsequent one, written a year ago. I look back on them, and they seem to be penned by a stranger.
730 days. Man, can they add up to change a person.
My bro still has crap health thanks to a near fatal car accident. His last hospitalization was less than a week ago. Prior to that, about a month ago. Prior to that, about six months ago. The parade of complications has been never ending. I try not to b!tch much, it could have been so much worse.
Not the point of this post, though.
I used to believe a lot of things. I believed in a world in which good things always happened to good people, and bad guys got their just desserts. I believed that maybe there could be such things as psychics, miracle men, god/s or other supernatural events. I believed if you wanted a thing, no matter how improbable, you could make it happen by the force of your own will. (Okay, to be fair, I *still* believe that last one. I just don’t equate such accomplishments to anything resembling the supernatural. Like the old saying goes, the harder you work, the luckier you get.) But for the most part, I had these illusions stripped away. Watching people die, one after the other, in ugly, horrible ways will do that to a person, I guess. Watching someone you love suffer compounds the effect.
It was pretty d@mn depressing, frankly. I didn’t like feeling that there was no wonder, no mystery left. That given time, everything would be explained, catalogued, and filed away in some dusty text book. Every behavior, every impulse, every thing about who and what we are could be assigned a formula and voila! That’s *what* you are. Nothing more or less. None of us were special snowflakes. Just a bundle of muscles, bones, hormones, nerves, etc... shaped by millions of years of evolution with an environmental behavioral cherry tossed on top for good measure.
How bleak is that?
Is it any wonder at all that people hold on to religion, superstition, or any number of beliefs?
But I couldn’t survive in an emotional pit. It was like not living at all. So I kicked myself in the @$$ and made myself start living again. To make a long story short, things are going alright for the Ole GM. I’m in a financial position that I could have never dreamt of two years ago this night. I can do for my family in a way that seems almost ‘miraculous’. My marriage has never been stronger or more passionate. I have a great kid. Friends that care about me. A nice home. And despite whatever bumps in the road come from crossing the line from believer to not, it’s still pretty cool to be me. I’m grateful for every breath I take.
So Happy Second Anniversary! Thank You to every medical professional who makes it their life’s work to throw a cog in Darwin’s gear box so that sometimes the good guys can win versus overwhelming odds. Thank You to every cop that shows up on the scene. To every EMT. Thank You to every person who tries to teach someone that your life isn’t just tossed to the winds of the fates, or gods, or stars and that what you think and do every day matters.
Because it does.
Two years ago on an internet forum may as well be a millennium. I’m not so memorable as to believe that most people here recall what happened to me two years ago today. A couple of you might, and I thank you for your well wishes.
For several reasons, I have not posted to this forum in awhile. But I started this idea here, seemed like I should finish the thought here.
If you’re curious, you can do a search to find the original thread by the same name, and a subsequent one, written a year ago. I look back on them, and they seem to be penned by a stranger.
730 days. Man, can they add up to change a person.
My bro still has crap health thanks to a near fatal car accident. His last hospitalization was less than a week ago. Prior to that, about a month ago. Prior to that, about six months ago. The parade of complications has been never ending. I try not to b!tch much, it could have been so much worse.
Not the point of this post, though.
I used to believe a lot of things. I believed in a world in which good things always happened to good people, and bad guys got their just desserts. I believed that maybe there could be such things as psychics, miracle men, god/s or other supernatural events. I believed if you wanted a thing, no matter how improbable, you could make it happen by the force of your own will. (Okay, to be fair, I *still* believe that last one. I just don’t equate such accomplishments to anything resembling the supernatural. Like the old saying goes, the harder you work, the luckier you get.) But for the most part, I had these illusions stripped away. Watching people die, one after the other, in ugly, horrible ways will do that to a person, I guess. Watching someone you love suffer compounds the effect.
It was pretty d@mn depressing, frankly. I didn’t like feeling that there was no wonder, no mystery left. That given time, everything would be explained, catalogued, and filed away in some dusty text book. Every behavior, every impulse, every thing about who and what we are could be assigned a formula and voila! That’s *what* you are. Nothing more or less. None of us were special snowflakes. Just a bundle of muscles, bones, hormones, nerves, etc... shaped by millions of years of evolution with an environmental behavioral cherry tossed on top for good measure.
How bleak is that?
Is it any wonder at all that people hold on to religion, superstition, or any number of beliefs?
But I couldn’t survive in an emotional pit. It was like not living at all. So I kicked myself in the @$$ and made myself start living again. To make a long story short, things are going alright for the Ole GM. I’m in a financial position that I could have never dreamt of two years ago this night. I can do for my family in a way that seems almost ‘miraculous’. My marriage has never been stronger or more passionate. I have a great kid. Friends that care about me. A nice home. And despite whatever bumps in the road come from crossing the line from believer to not, it’s still pretty cool to be me. I’m grateful for every breath I take.
So Happy Second Anniversary! Thank You to every medical professional who makes it their life’s work to throw a cog in Darwin’s gear box so that sometimes the good guys can win versus overwhelming odds. Thank You to every cop that shows up on the scene. To every EMT. Thank You to every person who tries to teach someone that your life isn’t just tossed to the winds of the fates, or gods, or stars and that what you think and do every day matters.
Because it does.