WooWoo 101: A Guide

[uk_dave]

It has come to my attention that the quality of CT argument has been diminishing in recent weeks.

Now, not being one to take delight in the suffering of others (well, not much) I have decided to produce a guide, or if you will, a handbook, which should provide useful tips to the fledgling woowoo.

Of course I do not do this for altruistic reasons, and so what follows is just a sample. If you would like the complete version this can be arranged by sending a cheque for $250 made payable to "Urine Extraction International Ltd" and sent to my Cayman Islands Bank, details of which are available on request.

This project must also be considered to be a work in progress and all here are free to contribute to it, though 'free' is the operative word in this case and no distribution of funds will be entered in to. Consider it to be an open source endeavour and just be grateful if your contribution is included.

Chapter 1

How to be Conspiracy Theorist.

Well, conspiracy theorists come in all shapes and sizes, but are predominately white and male. We draw no conclusions from this and merely mention it as a helpful pointer to establish whether or not you could be a conspiracy theorist. If you are female, then we are sure you will be welcome within the CT community, but try not to aspire to being seen or heard, especially when the chaps are talking. Non white CTers will also be welcome, in just the same way that they are welcome in the Republican Party.

Certainly religious tolerance is a major facet of CT life, provided that the religion is not judaism. For any concerned jews, consider the CT movement to rather like your local country club.

As mentioned above, religious tolerance is a factor, but that only applies to religions who worship the same god. Elephants, re-incarnated dieties and atheists are frowned upon and we suggest that, should you belong to any of these groups, you should find yourself another hobby instead.

Relationships with other people are encouraged within CT ranks, though this should be confined to 'high fives' and back slapping. Sexual relations diminish the fighting spirit and suck out the pure essence of the CT leaving him (or, possibly, her) lacklustre and uninspired. The devil also has much to do with that kind of thing and you may find your fellow CTers looking at you strangely (even curiously) if you admit to having recently made 'the beast with two backs'.

Homosexuality is a complete no no. Though homosexuals have possibly the greatest reason for feeling that at times the whole world is against them, generally speaking they tend to be too level headed to be a CTer. If you are a homosexual and a CTer then check with your fellow CTers as we are sure that they will confirm for you that you're not actually homosexual after all.

For those of you who are married or in a steady relationship, prepare to give this up for 'the cause'. You WILL be required to spend an inordinate amount of time posting on online forum and discussing reptoids and South Park and this is not condusive to a happy and healthy relationship. Also if it is believed that you are 'getting some' on a regular basis you may find yourself ostracised by the younger members of you CT fraternity and viewed with suspicion.

Suspicion might also come from your partner who may not understand why you feel it is necessary to spend quite so much time conversing with young men online and frequent trips to Washington and New York for research will also place a strain on your relationship.

Your partner might also diesapprove of the attention you attract to yourself and those around you by your online and 'real world' activities. If, for example, you hear clicks during one of your many telephone conversations with that CTer in Turkey Scratch Arkansas, then it is most likely your spouse or partner listening in. This IS evidence that the NWO has infiltrated your domicile and you should immediately terminate the relationship.

(Useful tip: A pre-CT agreement with your partner is always a good idea so that in the event that she gets totally pissed at you and decides to leave (on instructions of the NWO, of course) you can have a legally binding document giving you custody of the computer)

For those of you too young for all this relationship nonesense, we just caution you against believeing anything your parents tell you. In fact a useful rule of thumb is: DON'T TRUST ANYONE OVER 30

If you are over 30 and living at home with your parents then you should on no account trust yourself any frther than your could throw yourself.

Chapter 2

How to debate

As a young and vigorous warrior for the truth, you will encounter people who disagree with your view of the world.

These people are very annoying because they sow the seeds of self doubt and destroy cherished theories with awkward 'facts'

The best way to deal with these agents of the evil which walks amongst us, is to follow these rules for debate:

1. Never propose a theory for how an event occured, merely question the official account. This avoids the need to explain how a giant marshmallow flying teacup managed to remove silvestein moments before the week before the attack.

2. Always claim that you are not blaming ordinary people (after all, you may have to speak with ordinary people during your investigations and they sometimes get annoyed when you accuse them of murder) but that everyone is in on it. This is particularily important when faced with questions about the police, fire service, ambulance, media and macdonalds. Remember to emphasise that you are NOT BLAMING anyone.

3. Always ignore evidence which has been included in the official account of events. This evidence is tainted because it has been included in the official account of events. The official account of events is what you fearless warrior for the truth are fighting against and if evidence is included in the official account of events then it is immediately suspect. You should always try to find at least one person, from somewhere, who will say something which could be taken to be contrary to the official account of events. There's always someone who will fill this position. The internet is your friend.

4. Likewise ignore all mainstream media sources as they are all in on it though they are not to blame. Websites are your best source of information and, even though they may be politically extreme and contrary to everything you believe, you must swallow your bile and cite them incessantly.

5. Always cite people with a phd, provided (of course) that they confirm your CT. Whether or not their phd gives them any expertise in the subject they are commenting upon is irrelevant as they have more 'book smarts' than you and can read around the pictures. Remeber not to tax yourself with difficult concepts: simplicity is also your friend.




Order your copy of this guide now and shipping will be gauranteed before christmas (provided that your cheque clears)

[jhunter1163]

Nominated!

[uk_dave]

Nominated!

Cheers.

I'll put you down for a copy then.....

:D

[jhunter1163]

I'm still laughing. I've never seen anything that summed up the CT mindset quite so well. And imagining it being read in a pedantic British voice helps too.

Great work.

[Gravy]

(Useful tip: A pre-CT agreement with your partner is always a good idea so that in the event that she gets totally pissed at you and decides to leave (on instructions of the NWO, of course) you can have a legally binding document giving you custody of the computer)TeeHee!

[gumboot]

I'm still laughing. I've never seen anything that summed up the CT mindset quite so well. And imagining it being read in a pedantic British voice helps too.



So true! I imagined the voice of The Book from "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy".

-Gumboot

[stateofgrace]

Seconded on the nomination.

Highly amusing, I look forward to the complete version and have sent off my cheque. :)

[Bell]

If I do the sekrit NWO handshake thing, will I get it for free?

[NickUK]

When you going to start taking Paypal, Dave?

:D

(nominated btw)

[beachnut]

It has come to my attention that the quality of CT argument has been diminishing in recent weeks.


It is holiday season! They have been debunked by friends and relatives!

[PerryLogan]

Alex Jones's fans are busy watching "Terror Storm" over and over again, to boost the numbers.

[Bubbers]

Alex Jones's fans are busy watching "Terror Storm" over and over again, to boost the numbers.

Yeah if all of his fans watch it 10 times a day for 10 straight days that's like a thousand views. In 10 days!

[kimota]

This project must also be considered to be a work in progress and all here are free to contribute to it, though 'free' is the operative word in this case and no distribution of funds will be entered in to. Consider it to be an open source endeavour and just be grateful if your contribution is included.
Always maintain a sense of self in that you are intellectually and morally superior to those who don't agree with you. To end an argument, feel free to use phrases like, "you're too stupid to understand" or "that's what I'd expect a shill to say" or "you're just mindlessly regurgitating what's been fed to you". Also required is a 0% sense of irony as you don't see these phrases applicable to yourself.

[PerryLogan]

Basic rule: if you're not badmouthing someone, you're not fighting the New World Order. If you can't do something constructive--such as starting a website devoted to slandering one or more people or making a documentary in which every fact is wrong--you can call someone a government shill at least ten times a day, five on Sundays.

[Bubbers]

Basic rule: if you're not badmouthing someone, you're not fighting the New World Order. If you can't do something constructive--such as starting a website devoted to slandering one or more people or making a documentary in which every fact is wrong--you can call someone a government shill at least ten times a day, five on Sundays.

Now does this apply to shill specifically? What about words like sheep, sheeple, robot, bush-loving moron(this one makes the least sense and is also the most confusing to them, "how does one dislike Bush, yet disagree with the conspiracy?"), Zionist, f***face, dumbf***, dip****, and whatever else they like to say to feel cool. Do these substitute for shill? Just asking questions.

[Bubbers]

Another thing that's getting on my nerves is their arrogance. They think they are the smartest people on Earth. It would be nice if we could do some kind of JREF vs. LCF IQ challenge. Because if your problem solving capabilities suck, you obviously can't put the information together correctly, am I right?

[Anti-sophist]

Here are my 10 rules for WooWoo debate:

1) Don't focus on any particular issue. Quantity is king.
2) The audience is most important. Focus on them and convincing them.
3) Change the subject. Often.
4) When a particular subject gets too "detailed", change subject (rule #3) but remember to return to this subject 3 or 4 iterations down the road.
5) Create loops of subjects. Save all your old explanations. Post giant copy/pasted blocks of texts when losing
6) Attack the attacker. Ask about their motives. Insult them.
7) "Strawman" is the ultimate trump card. You don't need to know what it means. Whenever you are losing, accuse them of using a strawman and declare victory.
8) Remember, the original story is "just a theory". Equate it's validity with your favorite theory. They are both "theories", remember.
9) If it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck, it is a duck. Use this method of prood in lieu of the scientific method whenever possible.
10) When faced with a particular "factual" debunker "who think they know everything", resort to link-dumping 1.5 hour videos and asking them to debunk it. Keep doing it until they quit. Declare victory.

[Sir Arthur Mortal Coyle]

2 more rules

Never rush into a conspiracy theory, think about it first, spend a few seconds deliberating on the well proven undeniable evidence before coming to your conclusion that the experts and first hand witnesses are obviously lying and that the government is involved in planting awkward facts and covering up the implausible, inconceivable truth that you alone can comprehend.


On visiting Internet forums to discuss your findings, it’s always good practice to have several aliases, thereby helping to keep the balance between yourself and the closed minded sceptics and their incontrovertible evidence.
Using several aliases has the added benefits of:

a) Creating camaraderie and comradeship between yourself.

b) It helps to talk through and deny those awkward facts with your other self’s.

c) You won’t feel so alone when everybody else dismisses your theories as stupid nonsense.

Just remember to a Sceptic a CTer may seem incoherent and incapable of grasping the simplest logic and common sense, but don’t worry this is only because our imagination is so much more highly evolved than theirs, a sceptic just cannot seem to see beyond the plain truth. :rolleyes:

[Fnord]

Anti-sophist, you may have omitted step 11, which would say simply "Repeat."

Not that I'm blaming you ... after all, this is only a theoretical discussion, right?

;)

-Fnord of Dyscordia-

[PerryLogan]

What about words like sheep, sheeple, robot, bush-loving moron(this one makes the least sense and is also the most confusing to them, "how does one dislike Bush, yet disagree with the conspiracy?"), Zionist, f***face, dumbf***, dip****, and whatever else they like to say to feel cool. Do these substitute for shill? Just asking questions.


This would be for one of the Advanced Woo-Woo courses, such as Slander 302, Namecalling 543, or Smearing 666.

[ChristineR]

Hey, Jews are welcome! Once they admit to the truth, that is...

[uk_dave]

Chapter 3

Fame and fortune

You will, from time to time, as a fledgling woowoo ask yourself "What's it all for?"

These moments of self doubt are to be expected after your turbulent induction into woowooland. You have given up your loving relationship, long hours online have damaged your business/employment/college/kindergarten activities and you have sacrificed long held beliefs regarding equality and gun control in favour of acceptance by the young men of CT central.

Quite rightly you are beginning to wonder "What's in it for me?"

Obviously the chance to be part of a movement which will overthrow the evil NWO and create a utopia on earth has long since become a rather embarassing fantasy for you. You now realise that spending a disproportionate amount of you time chatting with young men online is not going to change the world, though you do now have a greater appreciation of gangsta rap and you're thinking of buying a skateboard.

But, naturally, you want more.

There are some within your movement (fearless keyboard warriors all) who have embraced the potential of the internet and exploited ...... no, utilised it to it's full potential.

But even these steely eyed young lions are looking to break out from 'geekdom' and take their place upon the world stage.

So it is at this point, young jedi truthseeker, that you must ingratiate yourself into the good books (or outlook address books) of the chosen ones, the leaders, if you will, of the pack.

A handy tip is to agree with everything they say (or type).

There are many and varied theories floating around in your world and it is the priviledge of the chosen ones to pick and choose which theories are to be persued, and which are to be cast aside. Choose wisely young truthwarrior for to pick the wrong theory may relegate you to the fringe of your chosen clan and you may never mate with those within.

An obvious aspiration of the fully fledged woowoo is to appear on television, engage in witty discourse with various celebraties and possibly have sex with a pnuematic blonde called 'glenda'. They might also, through this tv, chat and 'bonk' fest also secure a deal with a well known obscure production company for the latest version of their opus, or even film.

Having positioned yourself within their ranks as someone who they might "just about be able to get by without, but you do make them laugh and they kinda feel sorry for you, in a way", you are perfectly placed to also benefit from the fiscal success of their endeavours and may even be able to pay off that mounting credit card debt.

But a word of caution. On no account associate yourself with the production company of your woowoo film. merely content yourself as a humble gofer mopping the tired brow of the 'artiste' and scoring some high grade lebanese gold.

Production companies may well be where the money is, but they are also the prime target for those maligned by your chosen CT opus and as such you credit card bill is going to expire once the law suits start to arrive.

[JAStewart]

Another rule: Update/Revise your version of the 'truth'.

[uk_dave]

Chapter 6 (well, I did say this was just a sample)

Disinformation

So you're now a fully fledged paid up member of the CT fraternity.

Relationship breakdown and problems at work aside, the future is looking rosey for you. You have new friends and old friends look at you differently now. You believe you have the inside story on many of the worlds major events and can hold court to rapt audiences of friends and co-workers with your tales of devious plots and complex conspiracies and no one can raise any contrary argument you are not able to immediately counter or ignore.

But you are also troubled by a growing realisation that some of the people you associate with in your CT investigations may not be 'all there'.

This feeling is reinforced by many encounters with skeptical thinkers who take sadistic delight in pointing out the most absurd claims of your CT fellow travellers.

But do not dispair young master woo, for all is not as it seems.

It is important for the enlightened CT to understand that evil forces are at work in the world and that these forces will stoop as low as to plant their own operatives within your ranks to spread discord and confusion.

Treat EVERYONE with suspicion. Even the most seemingly committed CT enthusiast may just be a government disinfo agent waiting for his chance to reveal his true intent. This will normally occur after you have placed your trust in his integrity and used his incredible (but strangely credible) research in your first youtube/google video.

Many a CT has fallen due to the evil machinations of the disinfo agents, so don't let it happen to you.

It is wise to treat all 'theories' regarding the true nature of the CT of choice as being suspect. You already do so with the so called 'official version' and so it should be easy for you to apply that same logic to the theories of your 'colleagues'. Only by doing this will you remain safe and avoid the embarassment of discovering that your research assistant actully claims to believe that the wreck of the titanic was actually transported to bodmin moor by space aliens and used as a refuge for homeless pumas.

Of course such a CT is patently absurd and can only be the work of the government which fears your incessant questioning of every damn thing they do, have done or will do.

As a useful checklist, the sturdy CTer should consider all of the following to be disinfo:

1. Demolition of the WTC towers by thermit/thermate
2. Demolition of the WTC towers by space beam/microwave oven/organic cheese
3. Demolition of the WTC towers by the ghosts of native american/alien indians reclaiming their ancient burial grounds
4. Demolition of the WTC towers by missiles fired from the front/pod/tail/seat 45f of the passenger aircraft
5. Demolition of the WTC towers by cruise/suri/hellfire/titan missile disguised as a passenger aircraft by holographic projection/papier mache/jedi mind control
6. Demolition of the WTC towers by preplanted/built in silent explosive devices
7. Demolition of the WTC towers by termites
8. Demolition of the WTC towers by uri geller
9. Demolition of the WTC towers by James Randi
10. Godzilla

(of course Godzilla might be worth considering given that the French restarted nuclear testing in the pacific and there are alot of french people in New York. And, you can't trust the French.)

Disinfo can be extremely damaging to your cause and must be fought against.

Agents can be very subtle (just watch the Matrix for a text book example) and are not always called 'smith', though most are. Some are also called Jones. In the hierarchy of Disinfo agents, ordinary level one "sow doubt" agents are called Smith, and level five (top level and most dangerous) are called Jones.
(if you encounter a 'smith & jones' pairing be cautious but try not to worry too much as they are probably a UK comedy duo from the 80's)
Intermediate level disinfo agents are allowed to choose their own names provided that these are not 'smith' or 'jones' unless that is their real name in which case they must be known by some combination of the words 'town' and 'kill'.

The complexity of the naming of agents is just another sign that you are on to something and will no doubt enthrall your co-workers at the forthcoming office christmas party (The date of which may be changed suddenly without your knowledge as the disinfo agents conspire with your employer against you and pay off the entire workforce to remain silent - Be aware!)

The MO of the disinfo agent, apart from presenting laughably absurd theories which only skeptics and the general public would believe they are serious about, is to appear quite totally and utterly mad.

Remember, they are NOT mad, but are cunningly pretending to be.

If you have any doubts about this just consider that mad people have nervous ticks around their eyes, drool uncontrollably and usually wear those jackets with the sleeves which tie up at the back. You don't need to be a psychiatrist, psychologist or clever to tell if someone is mad or not, just use your eyes and your membership at the local DVD rental store (Though be warned - all DVD cases come with a gps chip enabling the government to track your rentals and how many times you replay the same scene in the movie. If the government agents manage to place a hardcore porn dvd into the case of the copy of "12 monkeys" you thought you had rented, on no account play the porn dvd past the 3 minute mark, no matter how curious you are to see if there is some hidden meaning/message contained therein)

In conclusion and summary, do not trust anyone you encounter at anytime anywhere for any reason as they are all in the pay/pocket of the NWO/Reptoids/Masons/Bilderbergers/ACLU.

In fact a good course of action now that you are a fully aware, informed and enlightened CTer is to not talk/correspond with anyone from this point onwards. They are all out to get you and only shutting yourself away in a darkened room with tin foil on the walls and ceilings and a years supply of nachos will save you.

[uk_dave]

For an example of low level disinfo agents at work the following link is advised:

http://z10.invisionfree.com/Loose_Change_Forum/index.php?showtopic=1435

Though this author cannot claim with 100% certainty whether these people are disinfo or just (to use pyshological terminology) 'completely bonkers' without the availability of a youtube video.

[uk_dave]

Chapter 10

Insanity

"Are you insane?"

As a fully paid up member of the CT fraternity, with your own collection of dvd's, black t-shirts and a bookshelf creaking under the weight of 2 or 3 famous works by some people, you are likely, on occasion, to encounter the above question.

As you and this writer both know, of course you're not mad. You just see the world diffrently to ordinary people.

Ordinary people lead ordinary lives oblivious to the machinations going on behind their backs.

They take the 'slings and arrows' of life in their stride, assuming (incorrectly) that stuff just happens and you have to roll with the blows.

But you know they are wrong.

When an ordinary person gets passed over for promotion, is it because they aren't worthy of that promotion? Or could it be that during their coffee break one day they happened upon prisonplanet.com or inforwars.com, and the IT snitches in their company reported this to the CEO who (obviously) didn't like the idea of a possible subversive working their way up through the ranks of the company?

So, voila! No promotion for you, sonny! Score one for the NWO

Likewise, when the average joe (or Jane) is engaged in social interaction with his (or her) peers and they find that the conversation just dries up when they participate, do they take comfort from the knowledge that these are intellectually little people unable to grasp the concept of a complex conspiracy involving millions of people over thousands of years, as a committed CTer would? Or do they blame themselves for their social inadequacies and promise never to go to parties again?

To the rest of the world, you look, sound and act as if you are MAD!

Embrace this fact. Because you are not mad, you're just different.

Special

And you know the truth which millions of 'ordinary' people don't know:

The world is exciting and stuff never happens by random chance or anything, it's always because someone somewhere is doing something at sometime which has some effect on your life and if you could only get to those people you would have control of your life back and things wouldn't seem so weird all the time and maybe the headaches would stop and you'd be able to talk to girls without blushing or ask for a pay raise knowing that the nwo wasn't blocking it so you could be confident and maybe move out of your parants house and people wouldn't be laughing at you all the time, even though they hide it...just like they hide being reptiles.

On the other hand, you might be suffering from a chemical imbalance within your brain which is leading to psychotic episodes which can be treated with medication. You just have to trust the doctors....and their scaly hands...

[LashL]

bump

[ConspiRaider]

Another thing that's getting on my nerves is their arrogance. They think they are the smartest people on Earth. It would be nice if we could do some kind of JREF vs. LCF IQ challenge. Because if your problem solving capabilities suck, you obviously can't put the information together correctly, am I right?
Different measuring methodology, not sure it would work.

JREFers pool our knowledge and so our collective IQ just keeps growing.

Twoofers, although they pool, never increase the collective of the IQ higher than the IQ of the lowest member. And man do they have some low members. Since 28IQ joined their ranks - I don't think anyone is yet below that, but we'll wait. Until tomorrow.

[CBVan]

Somewhat off-topic, but I always thought IQ measured problem-solving ability, not how many facts one knows. (Of course, rational thinkers would automatically be better at this.)

[JimBenArm]

Somewhat off-topic, but I always thought IQ measured problem-solving ability, not how many facts one knows. (Of course, rational thinkers would automatically be better at this.)

Actually, the only thing an IQ test measures is your ability to do IQ tests. It is by no means a measure of intellegence.

[beachnut]

bump

y i no