A spiritual, badgering mother

[Keneke]

But for the love of God, don't turn your back on the church. I would rather you have no interest in me than to have no interest in the faith that makes living possible.

This is really bugging me. My mother's devastated that I am not Christian anymore. That whole side of the family is rustic, common, and noble. Debating is, to them, smart-alecky and pompous. I can't just go up to my own Mother and say, "There is no God!" Hell, I tried to let her down easy by saying "I just don't have an interest in church anymore".

This sucks.

[Melissa Johnson]

Originally posted by Keneke

This is really bugging me. My mother's devastated that I am not Christian anymore. That whole side of the family is rustic, common, and noble. Debating is, to them, smart-alecky and pompous. I can't just go up to my own Mother and say, "There is no God!" Hell, I tried to let her down easy by saying "I just don't have an interest in church anymore".

This sucks.

Not to be glib, but you have no idea how many people posting here have had this same difficulty. I'm assuming you're still at home? There isn't much you can do, in that case but play along. I was out of the house at 17 years and I've only recently--the past few years--come to some kind of terms with my mother. No verbal agreements, mind you, but just an avoidance of certain topics when we talk on the phone. The relationship, I might add, has been improved by distance. It took until I was thirty to realize that my mom is a human being too, with faults and obsessions, but all in all she still loves me (and I her, for what it's worth).

You're in for a treat. Just remember--you can think whatever thoughts you want. So far, nobody can stop that. Hold on tight and don't forget to be courteous. Nobody can fault you if you're not causing problems.

[Dragonrock]

I'll give you the same advice I gave Lord Kenneth. Write her a letter. Explain that you love her, you just don't agree with her beliefs about god. Make sure you tell her you want to have contact with her, you just think religion is a topic that the two of you should not discuss.

The reason I suggest the letter is that it gives you a chance to make your entire argument without emotion and without interruption. Place it somewhere she will find it quickly and let her read it in private. You might even try to be incomunicado for a few hours after she reads it to give her time to assimilate what she has just read.

ps. Make it a paper letter, not an email.

[Keneke]

Oh, I don't live with her. I can see the assumptions in your eyes! :P

[arcticpenguin]

Tell her you're starting your own religion.

[triadboy]

Originally posted by Keneke

This is really bugging me. My mother's devastated that I am not Christian anymore. That whole side of the family is rustic, common, and noble. Debating is, to them, smart-alecky and pompous. I can't just go up to my own Mother and say, "There is no God!" Hell, I tried to let her down easy by saying "I just don't have an interest in church anymore".

This sucks.

I would join the Navy if I were you.

[Trish]

Hey, just got out of the same type of situation. I had moved back in with her to help with my father while he was in hospice care at home. My mother explained to me that she's concerned about the destination of my eternal soul.

I moved to another state instead of deal with the constant tension of the situation. It's a rough situation to deal with. I constantly ignored any reference to church or religion that she made. It still didn't make for an easy time.

Also, if you take Dragonrock's advice, make it hand written, not typed.

[Yahweh]

Tell her you're a buddhist... no one can be upset with a buddhist...

[reprise]

One thing I forgot to mention to DC is that not only do the truly devout believe that their children are at risk of their souls being eternally damned by not being true believers, they also tend to believe that they themselves have failed God by being unable to convince their own children to follow His path. Sometimes I think that the belief that they have failed God distresses them more than the possible post-mortem consequences their children might face.

I'm sure that one reason religion becomes such an issue during the mid-teen years is not just because teens are developing their own ideas and beliefs but also because parents realise that they only have a short time left in which their children are legally under their control. The unfulfilled "mission" takes on a new urgency when they realise that their children won't be a captive audience for much longer.

I understand the temptation to debate religion with family, but if you wish them to respect your right to have different beliefs to theirs without you having to constantly defend and justify your beliefs, be willing to extend them the same courtesy. If you create a situation in which you are arguing with your family about whose beliefs are "right" and whose are "wrong", you risk religion becoming the dominant issue by which your relationships with your family are defined - is it really worth risking those relationships in order to score intellectual points?

[Keneke]

Okay, stop with the teen thing, I am not a teenager. I know I talk (type?) like one sometimes, though.

But yes, the issue of the mother feeling she has failed because I am not devout is a very big part of this issue. She is sprinkling her conversations with hints of self-doubt and depression.

[arcticpenguin]

Feed her the verse about "You shall know the Truth and the Truth shall set you free", and thank her for raising such an intelligent child.

[Dragonrock]

Originally posted by Keneke
Okay, stop with the teen thing, I am not a teenager. I know I talk (type?) like one sometimes, though.

But yes, the issue of the mother feeling she has failed because I am not devout is a very big part of this issue. She is sprinkling her conversations with hints of self-doubt and depression.

I wasn't speaking to you as though you were a teen, I'm sorry if it came across that way. I've just found that letter-writing is a great way to get your point across without interuption and without starting an argument. My wife and I have settled a couple of big arguments by e-mail because we were able to say everything we wanted without getting emotional.

[Melissa Johnson]

Originally posted by Keneke
Oh, I don't live with her. I can see the assumptions in your eyes! :P

Ack! I'm that transparent!

Sorry. It's even worse if she's still badgering you as an adult. Mine at least has the courtesy to live far away and not bring up certain things in discussion (of course, it doesn't keep her from sighing petulantly now and then).

Still, without wanting to engage in a confrontation, the best you can hope for is to meet her dismay with correct politeness. The best thing about being an adult is your mom can't force you to go to church...can she?