Notrump
3rd January 2007, 02:02 PM
Exactly sixty years ago on January 3, 1947 at the young age of 33, I was appointed by President Harry Truman to become the first Director of the ultra-secret Federal Bureau of Conspiracies. I held the position until my retirement at noon today, January 3, 2007. At this late stage of my life, I must clear my conscience and reveal the truth to the American people.
The primary mission of my agency was to investigate all possible candidates for national political office. If we had the slightest doubts about the ability of the candidates or their spouses to maintain for the rest of their lives the secrets on our primary list, we employed a variety of dirty tricks to ensure they were not elected. Once anyone was elected, we closely observed their reactions as we revealed the secrets one at a time. If we detected any hesitation on anyone’s part to maintain a secret, we first resorted to blackmail. If that failed, we disposed of the problem by other means (if you know what I mean.)
The same routine pertained to those appointed to high and mid-level positions within the federal government, including military officers of field grade or higher. Of course there were also millions of individuals at lower levels who would necessarily be involved with at least parts of certain secrets. This included personnel such as air traffic controllers and snoopy secretaries. Eliminating those about whom we had doubts took up the vast majority of our time.
At first it was only Truman who added secrets to the list. His initial motivation for creating the list was his embarrassment at having revealed to the nation the existence of the atomic bomb. He realized he had unnecessarily stressed the psyche of the American people. In that first year our main concern was keeping secret the visitations by extraterrestrial aliens. This was especially difficult, since so many office holders had already attained their positions before we could investigate them. Additionally, many of them hesitated at keeping a secret that had nothing to do with military related information that might reach our enemies, as was the case with the atomic bomb. In this case, we merely wanted to keep information secret from Americans for their own good so that they would not be burdened by one more worry. The possibility that the Russians would get the bomb was worrisome enough.
President Truman chose not to run again in 1952, although he was specifically exempted from a constitutional amendment that concerned the length of service of his successors. We had serious doubts about Dwight Eisenhower’s willingness to keep our secrets. But there was little we could do to derail the election of this hugely popular wartime hero. Besides, his opponent Adlai Stevenson was also problematic. So Harry decided that the existence of my bureau should be kept secret from the incoming President. Beginning January 20, 1953, I became the only one who could add to the list of secrets and maintain all of the related conspiracies.
Over the years I determined that other secrets had to be added. Buying off the inventors of efficient automobile engines that did not require petroleum based fuels was particularly costly. Getting people to believe that a worthless nobody could possibly murder someone as important as the President of the United States initially seemed to be the high point of my career. Somehow we overlooked the possibility that potentially huge profits might induce Oliver Stone to create a film that would cater to the desire of the public to hear about a conspiracy to kill JFK. Although Ollie did not quite get to the truth. The truth was that by the fall of 1963, Jack was on to me and I had too order his assassination by my agents in Dallas. There – now my conscience is clear.
The primary mission of my agency was to investigate all possible candidates for national political office. If we had the slightest doubts about the ability of the candidates or their spouses to maintain for the rest of their lives the secrets on our primary list, we employed a variety of dirty tricks to ensure they were not elected. Once anyone was elected, we closely observed their reactions as we revealed the secrets one at a time. If we detected any hesitation on anyone’s part to maintain a secret, we first resorted to blackmail. If that failed, we disposed of the problem by other means (if you know what I mean.)
The same routine pertained to those appointed to high and mid-level positions within the federal government, including military officers of field grade or higher. Of course there were also millions of individuals at lower levels who would necessarily be involved with at least parts of certain secrets. This included personnel such as air traffic controllers and snoopy secretaries. Eliminating those about whom we had doubts took up the vast majority of our time.
At first it was only Truman who added secrets to the list. His initial motivation for creating the list was his embarrassment at having revealed to the nation the existence of the atomic bomb. He realized he had unnecessarily stressed the psyche of the American people. In that first year our main concern was keeping secret the visitations by extraterrestrial aliens. This was especially difficult, since so many office holders had already attained their positions before we could investigate them. Additionally, many of them hesitated at keeping a secret that had nothing to do with military related information that might reach our enemies, as was the case with the atomic bomb. In this case, we merely wanted to keep information secret from Americans for their own good so that they would not be burdened by one more worry. The possibility that the Russians would get the bomb was worrisome enough.
President Truman chose not to run again in 1952, although he was specifically exempted from a constitutional amendment that concerned the length of service of his successors. We had serious doubts about Dwight Eisenhower’s willingness to keep our secrets. But there was little we could do to derail the election of this hugely popular wartime hero. Besides, his opponent Adlai Stevenson was also problematic. So Harry decided that the existence of my bureau should be kept secret from the incoming President. Beginning January 20, 1953, I became the only one who could add to the list of secrets and maintain all of the related conspiracies.
Over the years I determined that other secrets had to be added. Buying off the inventors of efficient automobile engines that did not require petroleum based fuels was particularly costly. Getting people to believe that a worthless nobody could possibly murder someone as important as the President of the United States initially seemed to be the high point of my career. Somehow we overlooked the possibility that potentially huge profits might induce Oliver Stone to create a film that would cater to the desire of the public to hear about a conspiracy to kill JFK. Although Ollie did not quite get to the truth. The truth was that by the fall of 1963, Jack was on to me and I had too order his assassination by my agents in Dallas. There – now my conscience is clear.