Let's Rewrite the Ten Commandments

[Sundog]

This idea came from something hammy said in another thread. Someone brought up that there was nothing to go in the place of monuments to the Ten Commandments and he said "That's because y'all can't agree on anything."

So let's come up with our own secular Ten Commandments, real or funny.

What would you put on the list? Be prepared to defend the serious suggestions.

[Skeptical Greg]

1. Thou shalt not bite of more than thou can chew.

[arcticpenguin]

2. Thou shalt not write commandments.

[Jon_in_london]

3. Thou shalt not bogart thine joint mine friend (pass it over to Me).

[Suddenly]

4) Thou shall not telemarket, nor shall thou spam.

5) You shall have no gods before ... lunch. Or after. During is OK as long as thou useth a hollandaise sauce on thyne god.

6) Check and Raise is permitted.

7) Thou shall not carve these commandments in granite, or any stone, and put them in a courthouse.

[Sundog]

Originally posted by Jon_in_london
3. Thou shalt not bogart thine joint mine friend (pass it over to Me).

(Hands across the water)

4. Thou shalt not waste others' time buying lottery tickets at the 7-11.

I think we're gonna need more than ten.

[Brown]

Commandment 8.2: Thou shalt not trust anyone who claimeth to speak on behalf of the Almighty.

[Sundog]

Originally posted by Brown
Commandment 8.2: Thou shalt not trust anyone who claimeth to speak on behalf of the Almighty.

Oh, I like that one! :D

Commandment 6.022 x 10^23: Thou shalt think for thyself.

[Skeptical Greg]

8.3 Thou shalt not make stuff up and request donations to spread it around.

[Upchurch]

pi) Thou shall not calculate the final decimal place of an irrational number, for surely ye shall die.

edited for drama

[The Mad Linguist]

In the spirit of Upchurch:

Thou shalt not go anywhere faster than light.

Thou shalt not witness a cause subsequent to its effect.

[Dragonrock]

pu) Thou shalt bath or wash daily.

I REALLY wish they had included that in the original 10C

[Upchurch]

doa) Thou shalt not kill thyself or others, except in defense of thyself or others.

(okay, not a funny one, but it's a basic premise of morality and the rule ought to be there.)

[Dancing David]

11. Thou shalt not urinate facing into the wind.

12. Pick not thy neighbor's nose for it is an affort to the rest of humanity.

13. If thou shalt smoke , do so in thy own privacy.

14. make no law limiting free speech or the right of assembly.

[Dragonrock]

gp) Thou shalt not make sexual comments about children.

[Nyarlathotep]

15) There is no commandment 15

16) Happiness is mandatory. Unhappiness is treason. Treason is punishable by death.

17) The Computer is your friend.

[Ipecac]

3000. Oh, bite me. It's fun!

[Sundog]

Originally posted by Ipecac
3000. Oh, bite me. It's fun!

I call Mr. Misty-meanor!

(Last night some acquaintences stopped by the house, and at one point the guy asked if I'd ever heard of MST3K. My wife laughed and showed him the tape cabinet that contains the first five seasons. :D )

[Ipecac]

Originally posted by Sundog
I call Mr. Misty-meanor!

(Last night some acquaintences stopped by the house, and at one point the guy asked if I'd ever heard of MST3K. My wife laughed and showed him the tape cabinet that contains the first five seasons. :D )

:D

[Filippo Lippi]

1000101) "Because it says so in the bible" doesn't wash

[Michael Redman]

XIV) Thou shalt let not archaic words excape thine very lips, nor obsolete and unworkable numbers thine hand, when haveth thou perfectly modern and understood words and numbers to use, lest ye be thought a pretentious jerk, else a mindless fool.

[Wally]

43 Keep thyne airspeed up lest the ground rise up and smite thee.

[The Don]

0. Thou shalt not spill beer, or through inaction cause beer to be spilled

[c4ts]

This whole thread is starting to look like the frikkin' Talmud. Anyway:

MCMLXXVIII) Thou shalt watch at least 4 different Kurosawa films.

[Beleth]

n+1: Thou shalt not attibute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity, especially on bulletin boards.

[The Mad Linguist]

Eat greens.

[Dragonrock]

mj) Whom so ever shall be found without the soul for getting down must stand and face the hounds of hell and rot inside a corpses shell.

[Brown]

mlb) The Designated Hitter shall be an abomination.

[Skeptical Greg]

Originally posted by Brown
mlb) The Designated Hitter shall be an abomination.

Remember the thread about " seeing different words, than those written?"

I was muddling over " The Designated Hitler shall be an abomination. "

I felt I must agree, but I wasn't sure why...

[Sundog]

Originally posted by Diogenes


Remember the thread about " seeing different words, than those written?"

I was muddling over " The Designated Hitler shall be an abomination. "

I felt I must agree, but I wasn't sure why...

No doubt because we rarely see Hitter capitalized...

[Upchurch]

Originally posted by Diogenes


Remember the thread about " seeing different words, than those written?"

I was muddling over " The Designated Hitler shall be an abomination. " No, see? It all makes perfect sense. Waaay back in the 16th century when Brown wrote these words, he had no idea who "Hitler" was so he confused it with his knowledge of baseball and thought he was seeing "Hitter". His prediction was 100%, he just didn't know what it meant.


Wait a sec. I'm I thinking of Brown or Nostradamus? I always get those two confused.

[Sundog]

Originally posted by Upchurch
No, see? It all makes perfect sense. Waaay back in the 16th century when Brown wrote these words, he had no idea who "Hitler" was so he confused it with his knowledge of baseball and thought he was seeing "Hitter". His prediction was 100%, he just didn't know what it meant.


Wait a sec. I'm I thinking of Brown or Nostradamus? I always get those two confused.

That's Brown. Nostradamus's avatar is Sam Kineson.

[HarryKeogh]

y2k) the computers will be just fine

465) those pants dont make your butt look big and if they did i wouldnt say so anyway so stop asking (and get me a beer)

85.4) thou shalt not clip thy nails on the subway train for it is the grossest thing ever. seriously, dont.

666) thou shalt not freak out thy kids by saying they will burn in hell if they don't eat their meat (but you can withhold pudding)

69) thou may say harder or faster but never deeper.

[c4ts]

91) Thou shalt not obey the 92nd rule.

92) Thou shalt ignore the 91st rule.

[evildave]

Cmdt 1.0E+1000000

A pun is an affront against all that is good. He who tells an especially stinky pun shall be shunned for a time for the first offense. For the second, the punner shall be forced to eat garlic, that we may all know he is punish by breath.

[c4ts]

Originally posted by evildave
Cmdt 1.0E+1000000

A pun is an affront against all that is good. He who tells an especially stinky pun shall be shunned for a time for the first offense. For the second, the punner shall be forced to eat garlic, that we may all know he is punish by breath.

I once made a list of the top 10 puns I've heard. How many actually made me laugh? Well, no pun in-ten-did.

321,653,959,365,235,444,321,212.000001233842385283 ) THOU SHALT EAT NAUGHT BUT TACOS!!

[Darat]

Thou shall not.

[c4ts]

Originally posted by Darat
Thou shall not.

Heretic.

[evildave]

Originally posted by c4ts
... no pun in-ten-did.

That's sic.

[Max560]

Thou shalt revise these commandments to keep up with the times.

Thou shalt strive to make this world a better place for yourself and others instead of wasting your time hoping for a better world in an afterlife.

Thou shalt always provide evidence for your claims.

Thou shalt not harm others in the name of a diety. You are responsible for your own desires and actions.

Thou shalt not talk during movies, or ye shall surely die.

[Yahweh]

42: Your life does not have any higher meaning, purpose, or reason. Yahweh condemns unrealistic optimism.

[Yahweh]

7-Eleven: He who smelt it, delt it.

5-Alive: He who denied it, supplied it.

Par-4: Beans, beans, they are a magical fruit.

[evildave]

You shall NOT write the commandments in 'olde English' or other such anachronistic junk. If the commandments seem to be losing something from the translation, translate them before they become gibberish.

[c4ts]

Originally posted by evildave
You shall NOT write the commandments in 'olde English' or other such anachronistic junk. If the commandments seem to be losing something from the translation, translate them before they become gibberish.

1337) How art thou gentlemen!! All o' thine base art belong to us.

[hammegk]

You can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear.

Don't cast your pearls before swine.

[EdipisReks]

eleventy-1st: Don't eat the yellow snow.

[evildave]

1. Don't worship statues or graven depictions of things. Unless it's this. Engrave this in stone and worship this like hottentots worship the silver bird that dropped gifts from the sky.

[urstardust]

4.2)
He must be very ignorant for he answers every question he is asked.

[Kilted_Canuck]

1000000)Thou shalt be tested in thine psychic abilities if thou has agreed to be tested.


$)Thou shalt not create stupid, money-grabbing cults, especially if thine cult has a space-alien named Xenu


:)) Thou shalt have FUN

[Yahweh]

1!) No blinding people.

2@) Intellect is a gift man gives himself.

5%) As it says in the Atheist Bible, The Atheist God placed Skepticism in the mind of the Worth in the time of Atheist Genesism. As a testament to the Atheist Crusades, believe in the Atheist Messiah, you'll be glad you did when the Atheist Rapture comes.

[evildave]

1/5: It is better to have a bottle in front of thee than have thee a frontal lobotomy.
- Dr. Rock

[Upchurch]

Thou shalt not enforce any of these commandments upon those who choose not to follow them. Participation is voluntary. Exceptions may apply. Not available in all States. Must be 18 or older to enter. See package for details.

[crocodile deathroll]

Here are some of TLOP's commandments

Thou shalt not exceed the speed of light.
Thou shalt not be colder that absolute zero.
Thou shalt not bend spoons with your mind.
.