The story behind the story in the Bible....

[YouBelieveWHAT?]

I was thinking the other day, (OK, I'm now back on the Medication, and recovering :)) and started wondering about what really happened in the Bible stories. I do realise that using the terms "real" and "Bible" in the same sentence is a bit of an oxymoron, but - hey, this is my thread.... :)

And here's my first thought:

The Scene: Mary & Joseph having a chat…..

Mary: Um. Er. Joseph?
Joseph: Yes, dear?
Mary: Er, I’ve got something to tell you.
Joseph: Yes, dear?
Mary: But everything’s going to be alright!
Joseph: Yes, dear?
Mary: Um, I’m going to have a baby!
Joseph: Yes dear? (pause) Er, what did you say?
Mary: I’m going to have a baby, but everything will be fine, he told me!
Joseph: WHAT! Who’s the father?
Mary: He said he was the Holy Ghost, and I was highly favoured!
Joseph: Yeah, right!
Mary: And I was blessed among women!
Joseph: That’s supposed to make me feel better, how?
Mary: And he would have the throne of David, and be king, and all that!
Joseph: OK, in that case, I forgive you…
Mary: By the way, we’re supposed to call the kid Immanuel!
Joseph: He’ll be called Jesus, and like it! Hmmm. Maybe I’ll just pop down to the bookies, and see what the odds are for the new messiah…….

Do you have any "stories behind the stories"?

YBW

[Marquis de Carabas]

God: Medamn, what a boring day.
Satan: [drains a beer can, tosses it into river] Wanna throw the ol' pigskin around?
God: No. I told the Israelites pigs were unclean. It would be quite embarrassing if one of them saw me doing that.
Satan: And it wouldn't be if they saw you hanging out with me?
God: Point. Still don't feel like playing catch, sorry. Hey, hand me another beer.
Satan: Here ya go. [hands God beer] Well, we could cruise for chicks.
God: [sips beer, pauses thoughtfully] I dunno. Seems we do that every night.
Satan: For dudes, then.
God: Fag!
Satan: Heh, sorry.

[both sit, drinking beer and staring thoughtfully into space for several minutes]

Satan: Wanna torment one of your most loyal followers and see what happens?
God: You're a fricken genius, mate. Call Job.

[maatorc]

I was thinking the other day, (OK, I'm now back on the Medication, and recovering :)) and started wondering about what really happened in the Bible stories. I do realise that using the terms "real" and "Bible" in the same sentence is a bit of an oxymoron, but - hey, this is my thread.... :)And here's my first thought:he Scene: Mary & Joseph having a chat…..Mary: Um. Er. Joseph?Joseph: Yes, dear?Mary: Er, I’ve got something to tell you.Joseph: Yes, dear?Mary: But everything’s going to be alright!Joseph: Yes, dear?Mary: Um, I’m going to have a baby!Joseph: Yes dear? (pause) Er, what did you say?Mary: I’m going to have a baby, but everything will be fine, he told me!Joseph: WHAT! Who’s the father?Mary: He said he was the Holy Ghost, and I was highly favoured!Joseph: Yeah, right!
Mary: And I was blessed among women!Joseph: That’s supposed to make me feel better, how?Mary: And he would have the throne of David, and be king, and all that!Joseph: OK, in that case, I forgive you…Mary: By the way, we’re supposed to call the kid Immanuel!Joseph: He’ll be called Jesus, and like it! Hmmm. Maybe I’ll just pop down to the bookies, and see what the odds are for the new messiah…….Do you have any "stories behind the stories"?
YBW

The New Testament is a Legend.
Legends are devices used to transmit Myths.
A myth is a knowledge system.
The myth in question here is human perfectibility.
Human perfectibility is understood in terms of occult anatomy.

[Beerina]

God: Ehhh, I think I'll get up and create a world today. I'll populate it with lots of mini-copies of me, but finite in nature. They'll be arrogant and full of themselves, of course, but, not being infinite, do not deserve it. They'll also hurt each other, again only possible because they are not infinite and all-powerful. I know most will stray, so I'll threaten, with no proof, eternal torment to those who don't return to the fold (details to be released later), although I also already know that the vast majority will not return. So by this action, I know I'll end up creating and then torturing for ever and ever countless tens of billions of mini-me's.

Archangel Lucifer: Uhh, are you sure that's a Good thing to do?

God: For questioning me, you can join them.

Archangel Lucifer: No, wait! Praise God! Praise You!

[Hokulele]

I can't believe no one has posted this one yet.

Zyc1315KawQ

[Solus]

Originally an oral jewish tradition? What do I win?

[Jon.]

I was thinking the other day, (OK, I'm now back on the Medication, and recovering :)) and started wondering about what really happened in the Bible stories. I do realise that using the terms "real" and "Bible" in the same sentence is a bit of an oxymoron, but - hey, this is my thread.... :)

And here's my first thought:

The Scene: Mary & Joseph having a chat…..

Mary: Um. Er. Joseph?
Joseph: Yes, dear?
Mary: Er, I’ve got something to tell you.
Joseph: Yes, dear?
Mary: But everything’s going to be alright!
Joseph: Yes, dear?
Mary: Um, I’m going to have a baby!
Joseph: Yes dear? (pause) Er, what did you say?
Mary: I’m going to have a baby, but everything will be fine, he told me!
Joseph: WHAT! Who’s the father?
Mary: He said he was the Holy Ghost, and I was highly favoured!
Joseph: Yeah, right!
Mary: And I was blessed among women!
Joseph: That’s supposed to make me feel better, how?
Mary: And he would have the throne of David, and be king, and all that!
Joseph: OK, in that case, I forgive you…
Mary: By the way, we’re supposed to call the kid Immanuel!
Joseph: He’ll be called Jesus, and like it! Hmmm. Maybe I’ll just pop down to the bookies, and see what the odds are for the new messiah…….

Do you have any "stories behind the stories"?

YBW

Monty Python wrote one like this and dropped it from Life Of Brian when the script got too long. It's included in the MONTYPYTHONSCRAPBOOK. IIRC, the end of the scene is something like:

M: Do you want me to show you what He did?
J: What, bareback?
M: Well, I can't get any more pregnant, can I?

[ksbluesfan]

I know this is a bit off-topic, but I thought this would be a good place to point out that the fall of the angels is not in the Bible. It's in the Book on Enoch, which is apocryphal. Many Christian don't know that.

[Darth Rotor]

God: Hey, Noah, you want to go to the zoo?

Noah: Who said that?

God: Me, I thought you'd like to go to a zoo.

Noah: What's a zoo?

God: It's a place where you go to visit all kinds of animals.

Noah: What the heck would I do that for? I got fields to plant, kids to discipline, a woman to satisfy, a roof to patch, who has time for this crap?

God: You are supposed to take one day in seven off, Noah, and today is day seven. Let's go to a zoo.

Noah: I'd love to, but --

God: No buts, maybe you'd rather go fishing.

Noah: I don't have a boat. I hate to be rushin' off, but that roof is leaky, and I think I see some dark clouds a comin'.

God: You noticed, did you? Well, this isn't Russia, but the zoo is gonna come to you. You might want to start on that boat, if you know what's good for you.

A big boat.

DR

[Kahalachan]

Little Girl 1: *giggles* "Look at that funny looking old man"

Little Boy 3: "Yeah he looks bald and weird"

Little Boy 15: "He looks funny walking up that mountain."

All Little Girls and Boys: *giggling* "Go up the mountain bald head!! Get up there baldy"

Elisha: "I curse you children in the name of the Lord"

*Bears come out and rip 42 little boys and girls to shreds.*


2 Kings 2

[c4ts]

OLD JEW: Look at those Sumerians lording their mythology over us like they have something to prove with all that blocky cuniform.

DISGRUNTLED RABBI: Give me a pen and some sheepskin and I'll show them how it's really done!

(generations later)

DESCENDANT OF DISGRUNTLED RABBI: Who the f*** wrote this part? It's all wrong! That is NOT how we do monotheism! Wrong wrong wrong! Give me another scroll, I've got a long night ahead of me. And where's the slave with my shellfish platter?

OTHER JEW: He's dead, sir.

DESCENDANT OF DISGRUNTLED JEW: I should probably make note of that...

(even more generations later)

DISCIPLE: And I just put a little carrot in here, and add this line and ha! Now your people are officially banned from the Jews. Forever. God says so. Next time you'll think twice about not giving us bread.

AMMONITE: Even our grandchildren?

DISCIPLE: You want to make God angry? You won't like him when he's mad!

MOABITE: Jerk.

(even later)

ANCESTOR OF DISGRUNTLED JEW: That's it! You guys have put so much of this together we've gone through three camels trying to haul this thing across the desert. No more additions!

OTHER JEW: Maybe if we didn't carry it around in a big metal box the whole time...

ANCESTOR OF DISGRUNTLED JEW: And let the all the other religions jump us? Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you?

(and later...)


MORE DISTANT ANCESTOR OF DISGRUNTLED JEW: We could always get more camels and a bigger box...

(generations after that)

JOHN: Look at those Romans lording their mystery religions over us like they have something to prove with all those messiahs running around.

MATTHEW: Give me a pen and some sheepskin and I'll show them how it's really done!

(not much later)

CATAPHYRGIAN: This way!
ADOPTIONIST: No, that way!
GNOSTIC: Whoop da bleedy bloop kersplat.

(go to middle ages)

CATHOLIC CHURCH: And if we put all this in, the world is ours! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

(Renaissance)

PROTESTANT CHURCH: And if we leave all this out, the world is ours! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

KING JAMES: Ass means donkey, stop laughing!

(Epilogue, 19th century)

MARTIN HARRIS: Look at them people having sex with their cousins.

JOSEPH SMITH: Give me a sheepskin and oil and I'll show them how it's really done!

[Darth Rotor]

Those three ancestors should be "descendants" but

ROFL! :D

DR

[Kahalachan]

Horny crowd: *shouting* "Hey Lot, what's up? Aren't you gonna introduce us to your hot guy friends?"

Lot to Daughters: "These men are angels. I can't allow them to be raped by the crowd."

Daughter: "But daddy, they're angels can't they take care of themself? Have faith in god that he won't allow his angels to be harmed"

Lot: "I have a better idea.........." *shouts to crowd* "You can't have these men but do whatever you want to my daughters. Rape them and do whatever!!"

Angels: "Lot we gotta jam! God's gonna destroy this city. Don't look back at the city when it's being destroyed."

*Lot and his family escape out back*

*BOOM!! KABAAM!!!!*

Lot's wife: "Huh?" *glances back*

*Lot's wife turns into a pillar of salt*

Genesis 19

[bjornart]

Grandpa Joshua: And here are the ruins of Jericho where I had the army march around and around the city walls playing horns until they fell down in ruins.

Grandchild: Aron's grandpa says the city was practically in ruins already and all you did was create a distraction at the other side of the city while someone set fire to the palisades.

Grandpa Joshua: Hah, he doesn't know what he's talking about. Anyway. After the walls were down we destroyed the whole town, killed everyone and took all the gold and silver, and any object of bronze or iron.

Grandchild: Aron's grandpa says it was hardly worth the bother, everyone were dirt poor anyway. And you didn't kill everyone, there was Rahab.

Grandpa Joshua: Ah, yes. Rahab. For her service to us we spared her, and her family and everyone that belonged to her. A very admirable woman.

Grandchild: Aron's grandpa says her family was practically half the town, and that you only took Jericho in the first place cause you had the hots for her.

Grandpa Joshua: What the! Am I going to have to smack you, young man!

Grandchild: Well is it true? Aron's grandpa says she was a poor excuse for a prostitute and you only made a fool out of yourself.

*smack*

Grandpa Joshua: Shut your mouth, brat! I'm going to tell your mother you're to go to bed with no supper. And you can tell that Aron and his grandpa, that grandpa whined like a baby when I sliced his foreskin off with a sharp rock, and if he doesn't stop slandering me I'm going to put that in the official record, yeah! Joshua 5:3 "So Joshua made flint knives and circumcised the Israelites at Gibeath Haaraloth, and Aron's grandpa cried like a little baby 'cause he was such a wuss." Ask him if that's what he wants? No walls? Hah! Let's see what lasts the longest, his stupid "truth" or my book.

[JohnChasWebb]

I was thinking the other day, (OK, I'm now back on the Medication, and recovering :)) and started wondering about what really happened in the Bible stories. I do realise that using the terms "real" and "Bible" in the same sentence is a bit of an oxymoron, but - hey, this is my thread.... :)

And here's my first thought:

The Scene: Mary & Joseph having a chat…..

Mary: Um. Er. Joseph?
Joseph: Yes, dear?
Mary: Er, I’ve got something to tell you.
Joseph: Yes, dear?
Mary: But everything’s going to be alright!
Joseph: Yes, dear?
Mary: Um, I’m going to have a baby!
Joseph: Yes dear? (pause) Er, what did you say?
Mary: I’m going to have a baby, but everything will be fine, he told me!
Joseph: WHAT! Who’s the father?
Mary: He said he was the Holy Ghost, and I was highly favoured!
Joseph: Yeah, right!
Mary: And I was blessed among women!
Joseph: That’s supposed to make me feel better, how?
Mary: And he would have the throne of David, and be king, and all that!
Joseph: OK, in that case, I forgive you…
Mary: By the way, we’re supposed to call the kid Immanuel!
Joseph: He’ll be called Jesus, and like it! Hmmm. Maybe I’ll just pop down to the bookies, and see what the odds are for the new messiah…….

Do you have any "stories behind the stories"?

YBW
"The story behind the story" is a very insightful phrase.

It suggests the possibility of 'allegory'.... and you are right!
The key to understanding the 'mystery' of the virgin birth requires two missing ingredients:
1) a knowledge of ancient astronomy and "Precession of the Equinox" which has the Sun 'precessing' (backing up, one degree every 72 years) out of one astrological sign to the beginning of another (Its how we measure astrological ages). In this instance it is the Sun 'precessing' or backing out of the sign of Virgo (The Virgin) into Leo, the sign of the king. So here the word "SON" is a metaphor for the SUN.
2) The attributes of the astrological sign of Virgo... which is impecable purity (when uncorrupted). It is the cultivation of purity (purity = to be free of 'self') that causes 'Christ' to be 'born' within our our psyche. So.... as the allegory goes... Christ (our inner light) being 'born' (brought forth) from a 'virgin' or an inner disposition towards purity causes 'Christ' (the original self) to be 'born' within us.

The 'wise men' (scientists) of the day (5 BC) were astronomer/astrologers who were keenly aware of both the physical (planets) and the spiritual reality (Gospel of Q ?) and , it seems, combined them both and created an allegory.
There are great spiritual truths hidden (midrash) in the allegory that are to be decoded. Otherwise, we have a paradoxical situation when we approach the tale as literal.
So, there is the story behind the story!
Be well!

[bjornart]

John, you're supposed to make up your _own_ nonsense story behind the (older nonsense) story.

[Kahalachan]

This is a funny topic :)


Balaam: "You stupid donkey!! Get going" *kicks*

*An angel is in the donkey's way*

Balaam: "Common you stupid jackass!!" *kicks*

Balaam: "NOW!!!!!" *kicks*

Then this happens.











http://img517.imageshack.us/img517/2711/donkeyey9.jpg

Numbers 22

[Ladewig]

*Lot's wife turns into a pillar of salt*

Genesis 19

Wasn't salt worth a great deal back then? I mean if Lot picked up his wife and carried a 120 pounds of salt into the next city, wouldn't he be really rich?

[Kahalachan]

Wasn't salt worth a great deal back then? I mean if Lot picked up his wife and carried a 120 pounds of salt into the next city, wouldn't he be really rich?

Well he probably didn't think of it because his daughters got him drunk.

And they both had sex with him.

Yep it's in the Bible.

[triadboy]

Matthew 21:1 And when they drew nigh unto Jerusalem, and were come to Bethphage, unto the mount of Olives, then sent Jesus two disciples,

21:2 Saying unto them, Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an ass tied, and a colt with her: loose them, and bring them unto me.

21:3 And if any man say ought unto you, ye shall say, The Lord hath need of them; and straightway he will send them.

21:4 All this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, saying,

21:5 Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy King cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of an ass.

21:6 And the disciples went, and did as Jesus commanded them,

21:7 And brought the ass, and the colt, and put on them their clothes, and they set him thereon.

From The Secret Gospel of Matthew:
21:8 And soon the people of Bethphage heard the Lord yell out. And he entered their town standing on two animals running full gallop. And they thought, "What manner of man is this?"

21:9 And he left with a shout.