Metaphysical powers of gemstones

[Frank Newgent]

The following is an intimate journey into the subtle realms of crystal energy, addressing the metaphysical properties and attributes of various precious and semi-precious stones. Additions to this partial list are welcomed.


AMETHYST - disinhibits the non-simultaneous facilitated oxygenation of the neocortex and genitals

AMBER - invokes Saint Dymphna, protector of the eastbound passing lane of Interstate 10

AZURITE - otherwise occupied while the persuasive unity of traditional esoteric theory unavoidably anticipates a sizeable meteorite about to strike

BERYL - guess who's ahead in the Terrorism Information Awareness Jesuit Mafia versus the Merovingian Illuminoids' of Solomon's Temple final megastruggle to control reality

BORAX - replaces the normal flow of identity with the expression of pseudo-narratives often considered hilarious

CALCITE - represents that part of divinity genuinely disinterested in you

CELESTITE - plots flawlessly to conceal what is actually happening in so much as what would illuminate that is abundantly neglected

CITRINE - hey, it cured the Dali Lama's herpes, didn't it?

CHRYSOCOLLA - the urine-stained mystic in the hierarchy of relative crystal energies

CORUNDUM - praises ability to square your perception of the world with what is actually happening and therefore act with certainty as distinguished from the rest of this month's Direct TV broadcast schedule

DIAMOND - must be important as you are now under police surveillance

FLUORITE - compensates for slow shifting of the celestial equator relative to the celestial sphere due to gravitational influence of floating space debris such the sun and moon

[EdipisReks]

Originally posted by Frank Newgent
The following is an intimate journey into the subtle realms of crystal energy, addressing the metaphysical properties and attributes of various precious and semi-precious stones. Additions to this partial list are welcomed.


AMETHYST - disinhibits the non-simultaneous facilitated oxygenation of the neocortex and genitals

AMBER - invokes Saint Dymphna, protector of the eastbound passing lane of Interstate 10

AZURITE - otherwise occupied while the persuasive unity of traditional esoteric theory unavoidably anticipates a sizeable meteorite about to strike

BERYL - guess who's ahead in the Terrorism Information Awareness Jesuit Mafia versus the Merovingian Illuminoids' of Solomon's Temple final megastruggle to control reality

BORAX - replaces the normal flow of identity with the expression of pseudo-narratives often considered hilarious

CALCITE - represents that part of divinity genuinely disinterested in you

CELESTITE - plots flawlessly to conceal what is actually happening in so much as what would illuminate that is abundantly neglected

CITRINE - hey, it cured the Dali Lama's herpes, didn't it?

CHRYSOCOLLA - the urine-stained mystic in the hierarchy of relative crystal energies

CORUNDUM - praises ability to square your perception of the world with what is actually happening and therefore act with certainty as distinguished from the rest of this month's Direct TV broadcast schedule

DIAMOND - must be important as you are now under police surveillance

FLUORITE - compensates for slow shifting of the celestial equator relative to the celestial sphere due to gravitational influence of floating space debris such the sun and moon

borax kills roaches, is that metaphysical?

[Aoidoi]

Originally posted by EdipisReks


borax kills roaches, is that metaphysical? For the roaches it is.

[Frank Newgent]

Originally posted by EdipisReks

borax kills roaches, is that metaphysical?
Read the list: I've got borax covered. Maybe you missed the Ronald Reagan reference.

Though I have read that UFO sightings sometimes occur near borax mines. Did the screenwriters for Men in Black have it all wrong?

[PinkRabbit]

Hmmm, given my fondness for azurite, if one day I disappear for all eternity (and anyone actually notices) apparently I will have been splatted by a meteorite.

Who knew?

Barb

[Frank Newgent]

Originally posted by PinkRabbit

Who knew?
The persuasive unity of traditional esoteric theory, that's who. Speaking of which, have you ever noticed how much that resembles the coercive singularity of Conspiracy Theory?

[Frank Newgent]

GOLD - a yellow metallic element whose mathematical formalisms "predict(ing) the coherent emission of y[1/2x+c] paradox following disregard of the recursion-theoretic reducibility ordering of deja vu not forfeited under Morthole's Conjecture" were first noted on a xeroxed rant found stapled to a telephone pole in Sheboygan, Wisconsin

HEMATITE - shoots down Hitler's flying saucers

[Yahzi]

ALUMINUM - when formed into a long tubular construct, damps all psychic vibrations and magnifies skeptical rays to fatal proportions

[arcticpenguin]

I've got a book at home that lists magical uses for various crystals and stones. I'll try to remember to bring it in some time (I post at work).

I bought it at a used book store in Huntsville, Alabama.

[Soapy Sam]

Barb- Azurite is pretty, but wash your hands after handling it.

[Frank Newgent]

I am a pebble pimp.

Being involved in wholesale and retail trade of lapidary, mineral specimens and whatnot, I'm often asked what a particular something "is good for". In the hope that whatever I might say does not act as a substitute for proper medical attention it seems only appropriate to become as confusing as possible.

I started my own list of "metaphysical" powers and attributes years ago and make a point of taping one to the wall in the bathroom of every venue I'm in. It makes me laugh.

[Yahweh]

Platinum - Way better than gold or silver, mysteriously causes wearers to spout nonsensicle words (aka "rap") while ending many of their words with the suffix "izzle". For shizzle.

[Frank Newgent]

IOLITE - a thousand-faced jewel reflecting perfectly that black velvet portrait of Wayne Newton being crucified

JADE - unsuitable as an ornamental gemstone when shouting down the Gnostic dwarves of quandry and dilemma from a cardboard box under the freeway

[Frank Newgent]

LABRADORITE - more elaborate than a neurosyphilitic pope's Vision of Unity

LAPIS LAZULI - empowers coincidence to inform you of what's happening in more reasonable parts of the universe

LEPIDOLITE - fluoresces under cryto-brainwave sequence from the invisible orbiting satellites

MALACHITE - over fuzzy red flannel and vertical stripes, this first source of chronic unemployment might sport a lunchboard sign: "I am not drunk. I suffer from an unkind frontal lobe pathology. Give me some focking money!"

MERCURY - state mineral of Delirium

[arcticpenguin]

Originally posted by arcticpenguin
I've got a book at home that lists magical uses for various crystals and stones. I'll try to remember to bring it in some time (I post at work).

I bought it at a used book store in Huntsville, Alabama.
I brought it in.

The magic and science of jewels ans stones, vol. II by Isidore Kozminsky
Foreword by Gurudas

On the back cover:
First written in 1922, this book provides a comprehensive format on the folklore of gemstones. Quartz crystals, tourmaline, pearl, and lapis lazuli are just some of the many gemstones examined in this book. Over 100 different crystals and gemstones are examined. How individual gemstones have long been used in Europe, Asia and the Middle East provides a constant theme throughout the book.

Topics reviewed include:
Astrology and gemstones
Gemstones in Shakespeare's plays
Gemstones in heraldry
Gemstones associated with different countries

[Keneke]

Originally posted by arcticpenguin
I've got a book at home that lists magical uses for various crystals and stones. I'll try to remember to bring it in some time (I post at work).

I bought it at a used book store in Huntsville, Alabama.

Booklegger, perhaps? That's the only one here I can think of.

[Frank Newgent]

OBSIDIAN - a highly regarded black pebble visually indistinguishable from that kidney stone you finally passed last Thursday

OPAL - possesses an electron configuration astonishing to other silicon oxides

PERIDOT - distracts the poor and hopelessly doomed into somehow believing their existence adds up to more than a demerit on Gerald Ford's aether in the Akashic Records

PYRITE - enables one to act out feelings too small to be supported by drug addiction

[arcticpenguin]

Originally posted by Keneke


Booklegger, perhaps? That's the only one here I can think of.
I don't remember, but it's right around the corner from Beauregard's.

[Frank Newgent]

RHODONITE - responsible for that "I Love Syria" bumper sticker found by customs on your bag at the airport

RHODOCHROSITE - makes visible the concealed dead tormented by your unexamined psyche

RUBY - deconstructs Peoria quicker than a suction-cup Garfield in the Manson family station wagon