Anatomy of a Screenplay: Double Back

[ConspiRaider]

Here's Scene 1 from my screenplay. See if you like it:


EXT. HIGGINS AVENUE - LATE NIGHT

It is dead quiet on this upscale suburban residential street. Streetlights cast dark shadows of tall trees upon the lawns and homes. No moving cars are seen or heard. Nearly all the homes are darkened.

Focus on a CAT walking leisurely across the middle of lawns, passing into and out of shadows.

The cat stops on the lawn of a particular house, nosing in the grass here and there. Behind it, drapes are closed over the picture window of the house, but slight flickering of light can be seen along the edges of the window.

INT. HOUSE ON HIGGINS AVENUE - LATE NIGHT

From an upstairs window facing the street, we see the cat out on the lawn.

Pull back and pan the dark room to show a made BED, a DESK, an END TABLE. Move towards the closed DOOR of the bedroom.

A slight SOUND of a knob turning comes from the left. Focus on CLOSET to the left, as its CLOSED DOOR slowly opens.

A tall dark FIGURE is in the open doorway and steps out into the room. The figure is clad all in black, with BLACK LEATHER GLOVES that extend halfway up the forearm. A black HOOD covers the face, the eyes hardly visible. The figure moves to the door and carefully opens it.

The SOUND from a TELEVISION can be heard, and LIGHT FLICKERING can be seen on the walls of the stairway and the hallway below.

The figure moves towards the stairs, silently. We can see the long blade of a KNIFE stuck in the BELT of the figure.

Follow the figure downstairs, turn left into living room.

The television is on in the far corner. Two RECLINING CHAIRS are occupied along the near wall, by an older MAN closest to the figure, an older WOMAN further down. Both are asleep, their heads on pillows, each covered with a blanket.

The figure removes the knife from the left side of the belt, hefts it, then passes it to the right hand, blade first. The figure moves to face the man in the chair.

Focus on the knife, held by the blade in the right hand, with the long, heavy HANDLE exposed. The knife is raised, and hesitates. Then it comes down hard and fast against the left temple of the man. We hear a slight SOUND of the impact, but no sound from the man.

The knife is switched to the left hand, and is brought down on the right temple of the man. No sound from him.

The figure moves to the chair with the woman, faces her. Focus on the knife. It reaches a high point, then comes down hard on the woman's left temple. The arc of the knife reverses in a backhand motion to hit her on the right temple, then one more blow with a forehand to her left temple. No hesitation. Very fast, very decisive.

Figure moves to END TABLE between the recliners. Television REMOTE is picked up, aimed, and shuts off the television.

EXT. HIGGINS AVENUE - LATE NIGHT

Out on the lawn, the cat picks up the change in flickering light from the picture window of the house as the television goes off. The cat looks at the window, lifts up its head, sniffs the air.

After a pause, the cat scampers off the lawn and continues down the street across other lawns.

FADE OUT.

[Hokulele]

You are going to try and get a cat to act on cue? Good luck there. ;)

[boloboffin]

Hi, ConspiRaider!

Full disclosure: I've never sold a screenplay, nor have I tried. But I have dabbled in writing and was part of a screenwriting group when I lived in Nashville.

The main criticism I have is probably a stylistic one. I was cautioned not to "direct" the movie in the text, i.e., detailed camera movement. However, simply describing the figure in its journey will imply that long camera move you're wanting, and you might be writing a screenplay you're planning on directing -- in which case, write it the way you want! (One nit here - the second slugline is actually describing an INT./EXT. shot, because you're inside, looking outside.)

I was confused in only two places as to what was happening on screen. The first was focusing on a downstairs window, and then cutting to the upstairs window looking out. I think that will be a jarring edit, which you can alleviate by noting an uncurtained window upstairs before the cut. The second is the strange way the knife is being held. Is there enough of the blade protruding from the gloved hand to still be a possible lethal blow? If so, you might want to note that. (I say possible, because it seemed you intended a bit of ambiguity about whether the two downstairs are dead or alive at start of scene).

My main questions going forward would be: Why was the figure in the closet in the first place (supernatural or serial killer tired of waiting for the couple of going to bed)? Is the knife hold part of this killer's ritual and why? Were the people downstairs already dead (even more bizarre ritual)? Who's going to stop this figure? If these are the questions you intended me to have at this point, yay on you!

[ConspiRaider]

You are going to try and get a cat to act on cue? Good luck there. ;)
Hi H!

It can be done, rather easily. Matter of training. And of course - movie magic if necessary. Because if necessary, you can always do a rear screen projection - or CGI - to get the effect you want.

See the CAT in the movie "Breakfast At Tiffany's".

See the DOG in the movie "Down And Out In Beverly Hills".

[ConspiRaider]

Hi, ConspiRaider!

Full disclosure: I've never sold a screenplay, nor have I tried. But I have dabbled in writing and was part of a screenwriting group when I lived in Nashville.

The main criticism I have is probably a stylistic one. I was cautioned not to "direct" the movie in the text, i.e., detailed camera movement. However, simply describing the figure in its journey will imply that long camera move you're wanting, and you might be writing a screenplay you're planning on directing -- in which case, write it the way you want! (One nit here - the second slugline is actually describing an INT./EXT. shot, because you're inside, looking outside.)

I was confused in only two places as to what was happening on screen. The first was focusing on a downstairs window, and then cutting to the upstairs window looking out. I think that will be a jarring edit, which you can alleviate by noting an uncurtained window upstairs before the cut. The second is the strange way the knife is being held. Is there enough of the blade protruding from the gloved hand to still be a possible lethal blow? If so, you might want to note that. (I say possible, because it seemed you intended a bit of ambiguity about whether the two downstairs are dead or alive at start of scene).

My main questions going forward would be: Why was the figure in the closet in the first place (supernatural or serial killer tired of waiting for the couple of going to bed)? Is the knife hold part of this killer's ritual and why? Were the people downstairs already dead (even more bizarre ritual)? Who's going to stop this figure? If these are the questions you intended me to have at this point, yay on you!
Hey BB -

This is a "spec" script as opposed to a "shooting" script. Every spec script that gets green-lighted will be rewritten, without fail. It's those rewrites that lock down the exact camera angles, movements, and so forth. What you find: Everyone tells you something different on spec scripts, format-wise. So little consistency, you could be chasing your tail for months just trying to please the nitpicky formatters.

What will of course happen is that during actual shooting, it will absolutely NOT proceed as written, but will be adjusted and molded by the director, actors, DP, cinematographer and so forth.

What you're really trying to do in a spec script is to paint a picture well enough so that the project can be envisioned. The little gritty details? Piece of cake to rewrite, should the project go forward. As you know, some scripts are literally being made up DURING SHOOTING! It was that way with the classic Casablanca. They didn't even know how it would end, until they shot the first of two possible endings.

As to your questions on story: Answered, within the script. But this is a murder mystery. These things must be done delicately! :)

Thanks for comments!

[boloboffin]

What you're really trying to do in a spec script is to paint a picture well enough so that the project can be envisioned. The little gritty details? Piece of cake to rewrite, should the project go forward. As you know, some scripts are literally being made up DURING SHOOTING! It was that way with the classic Casablanca. They didn't even know how it would end, until they shot the first of two possible endings.

And another of my faves, North by Northwest. Yes, you know your audience better than I, so I withdraw that. For a rank amateur like me, I suspect some directors would not want a potential "director" in the screenwriter, but others may be counting on it!

As to your questions on story: Answered, within the script. But this is a murder mystery. These things must be done delicately! :)

:) As long as you intend the questions to be there, there's nothing wrong with that!

[ConspiRaider]

And another of my faves, North by Northwest. Yes, you know your audience better than I, so I withdraw that. For a rank amateur like me, I suspect some directors would not want a potential "director" in the screenwriter, but others may be counting on it!

:) As long as you intend the questions to be there, there's nothing wrong with that!
But you are no rank amateur, sir, your comments are terrific!

Oh boy, North by Northwest? I do Cary Grant rather decently, and it's the lines from that movie. Of course today, very few people even know who Cary Grant is anymore - or care.

"Tell me - how does a girl like you get to be a girl like you? No, I don't mean lucky. I mean naughty, devious - up to no good. Did you ever kill anybody? Because I bet you could tease a man to death without half trying. So, stop trying..."

Hitchcock - and of course he was my favorite director - was very unique in the way he made movies. Very different than the rest. The writer typically worked hand in hand with him, and of course his wife, who contributed mightily to the Hitchcock legend. Very collaborative process. And Hitch typically started with something, a book such as Psycho, for example. Whereas I, as an unknown writer, cannot start with anything. I have to be original right out of the box. Whether I wish to, or not.

Since this particular script is a murder mystery, then answers will come in fits and starts, with dead-ends and red herrings thrown in for good measure.

When you're ready for the next scene, let me know! :)

[ConspiRaider]

Here is Scene 2 of the Screenplay:


INT. BREXTON VALLEY P.D. CHIEF'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Seated at desk is DARYL HAYES, police chief, 40s, average build, neatly dressed. His desktop is clean, almost bare. TROPHY CASE against a wall, filled with polished baseball trophies. Hanging on wall behind his desk is a large, framed TEAM PHOTO of the Toledo Mud Hens. Hayes is absently rolling a BASEBALL back and forth across the desktop.

Across from him, in front of his desk is MICKI BRADWELL, detective, late 20s, attractive blonde, business clothes.

HAYES
Did you see Audrey Hepburn's footprints in the cement?

MICKI
No. I got a picture of her star on the sidewalk though. Have you been out there yet, Chief?

HAYES
(Shakes head "no")
Maybe next year. Oldest boy's looking at UCLA after graduation and we might take a trip.

Hayes clicks INTERCOM to speak with his secretary in lobby, MARGARET DALTON, early 30s, attractive.

HAYES (CONT'D)
(into intercom)
Margaret, what's the score? He really oughtta be here by now.

MARGARET (V.O.)
Nothing yet, Chief. I'll take a quick look out front.

HAYES
Thanks.
(to Micki)
Sorry about the wait. He's coming in from the lab downtown.

MICKI
You know each other pretty well?

HAYES
Uh-huh. Grew up together, played a lot of ball. And we hooked up sometimes at CPD. Oh, I wanted to mention before he gets here, he's lead. You okay with that?

MICKI
Sure, no problem.

HAYES
Good. This case isn't exactly...

MARGARET (V.O.)
Chief, he just pulled in.

HAYES
Thanks.

Voices in lobby, then Lieutenant PAUL ELLIOTT appears in open doorway, lightly knocking. He is African-American, mid 40s, medium build. Carrying BRIEFCASE. Micki and Hayes stand to greet him. Hayes tosses baseball to Paul.

HAYES (CONT'D)
Hey, c'mon in! Paul Elliott, meet your partner, Micki Bradwell.

Paul moves to empty chair in front of desk, shakes Micki's hand, tosses baseball back to Hayes and sits next to her.

PAUL
Good to meet ya, Micki. You just get in?

MICKI
Landed about an hour ago. Nice to meet you too, Lieutenant Elliott.

PAUL
Whoa! Just "Paul".

Micki smiles and nods.

PAUL (CONT'D)
So the Chief had you pad the department's frequent flyer miles?

MICKI
Uh-huh. Left here yesterday, back today. I think I'll have Margaret put me in for sky marshal pay.

HAYES
(smiles)
All right, guys. To business then. The media's biting deep. This is a foot-long hoagie with the works to them...

MICKI
Heard they're already calling these the Dead Weight Murders?

HAYES
(Nods, impatiently throws ball from one hand to other.)
Could be worse than all three Sam Sheppard cases combined. Anyway they're mine. You guys get to stay clear of 'em and detect. Okay Paul, let's see what you've got.

Paul removes large ENVELOPE from briefcase, opens it, takes out several color 8 x 10 PHOTOS. He hands one to Micki. Micki's POV, photo of WALTER and LUCILLE TRENT at the bottom of a swimming pool.

PAUL
That's in situ.

Micki hands photo to Hayes. Paul gives Micki two more. Each shows a soaking wet body on a stretcher. Walter and Lucille Trent are in their mid 60s.

PAUL (CONT'D)
Just after we got 'em outta the pool. Weights are 25-pounders.

Micki passes these on and Paul gives her two more. Each is close-up of weight tied around neck, resting on the chest.

WRITING is scratched on black painted weights. In capitals, HIT on Lucille Trent's, TOKE on Walter Trent's.

PAUL (CONT'D)
Oughtta know by tomorrow about how recent the writing is.

MICKI
Drugs?
(Hands last two photos to Hayes.)

PAUL
Maybe. Kinda odd, though.

HAYES
The press won't get these...
(waves photos of weight close-ups, then hands them all to Paul. Picks up a report off his desk, refers to it.)
Okay, we notified the four Trent kids. Two of them are out of state and they'll be in town tomorrow. They also had a son who burned up in a car wreck in '99.
(Hands a copy of the report to Paul.)

MICKI
Five kids. Catholic?

HAYES
Bingo. Okay, Crime Scene is working through the night...
(indicates clock, ten minutes before midnight.)
...and you guys hafta hit the ground running in a few hours. Let's call the game. What's the lineup for tomorrow, Paul?

PAUL
We'll start at the scene. Micki, let's be there at around seven-thirty?

MICKI
Good with me.

Hayes stands, Paul and Micki follow suit.

HAYES
Okay then. Let's get this bastard buttoned down hard and fast. Oh, and we'll try and meet here each night for at least the next coupla days. Margaret'll follow up with you on that. Anything else?

They both indicate "No". Everyone moves into lobby. Paul and Micki say their goodbyes and continue out lobby door.

[Checkmite]

In my callow opinion, I think you should cut down on the capitalization. Sounds and props will be capitalized in the production script as directions to the appropriate departments; in a spec, they're unnecessary and can break up your reader's flow.

[ConspiRaider]

In my callow opinion, I think you should cut down on the capitalization. Sounds and props will be capitalized in the production script as directions to the appropriate departments; in a spec, they're unnecessary and can break up your reader's flow.
Hi Josh -

Definitely went back and forth on that. Again it's the deal of who to listen to (the "experts") because some - quite a few in fact - absolutely want you to do that - the capitalization. It's crazy. I'M CRAZY! There should be a single Screenplay Guru GodWoman / GodMan who makes hard and fast rules and everybody must conform.

Another was FADE IN. One entity insisted that every screenplay MUST start with FADE IN - or they wouldn't read it. But then you go ahead and comply, and sure enough, you get SLAMMED from others for looking like a newcomer / beginner for starting the script with FADE IN.

What the paid script readers do - their primary task - is to find something - ANYTHING - to use as an excuse to toss your screenplay into the dumpster.

I heard IKEA has a sale on casting couches, I may go that route...:)

[Beanbag]

Rewrite:

EXT. HIGGINS AVENUE - NIGHT

Streetlights cast dark shadows on the quiet, upscale suburban neighborhood. No cars are seen or heard. Lights show in only a few homes.

A CAT walks leisurely across the lawns, passing in and out of shadows.

EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

The cat stops at one particular house, sniffing the grass here and there. Through the closed drapes of the picture window, a light flickers inside the house. Sounds of a TELEVISION PROGRAM are heard faintly.

INT. SECOND FLOOR BEDROOM, HOUSE - NIGHT

Through the upstairs window, the cat is seen out on the lawn. Inside the room is made bed, a desk, an end table. The hallway door is closed.

A closet door opens with the sound of a TURNING KNOB. A tall, black-clad steps out, wearing long black leather gloves and a hood. His eyes glisten faintly in the gloom. The figure quietly moves to the hall door, listens, then cautiously opens it. A TELEVISION can be heard faintly below, the light from the TV flickering faintly on the walls.

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
The figure moves towards the stairs. A long knife shows in his belt. The figure quietly moves down the stairs.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A television plays unwatched in the far corner. Two figures lie asleep in recliners in front of the TV, an OLDER MAN and an OLDER WOMAN, their heads on pillows and covered with blankets.

The figure draws the knife and hefts it, then takes it by the blade. Moving to the older man, the figure raises the knife, hesitates, then strikes the older man across the left temple with the handle of the knife. The handle strikes with a THUD, but there is no sound from the man. Shifting hands, the figure strikes the older man again, this time on the right temple. The older man lays silent.

The figure moves to the still-sleeping woman. Moving quickly and decisively, the figure strikes her across the left temple, then on the right temple in a backhand return.

The figure pauses for an instant, BREATHING QUIETLY but HEAVILY. After several seconds, the figure carefully takes the remote control from the table and turns off the television. The room falls silent.

EXT. HIGGINS AVENUE - LATE NIGHT

The flickering light goes dark around the picture window. The cat looks up at the change and sniffs. After a pause, the cat continues along the street.

FADE OUT.

End Rewrite


Good scenes, but I had to re-read your version about three times to get the action sequence. Especially how he was using the knife.

It may have something to do with whatever script style you're using, but CHARACTERS are capitalized the first time they appear in the script. Sounds such as PHONE RINGING or THUNDER are capitalized each and every time they occur. Items such as end table or bed are not capitalized UNLESS they are an active character in the screenplay (like the living furniture in Beauty and The Beast).

Also, a technical issue. It's hard as heck to use a knife as a club while holding the blade. Either the attacker cuts their hand on the sharp edge(s) (you didn't specify single or double edged), or the knife goes flying across the room after the first impact. If you're going to use a fighting knife to strike someone, you hold it by the handle as usual and strike them with the butt. More force concentrated on a smaller impact area. Does more damage.

Beanbag

[Beanbag]

There should be a single Screenplay Guru GodWoman / GodMan who makes hard and fast rules and everybody must conform.
There is -- it's whoever gets handed the script first to read it. If the first reader doesn't like it, they chunk it, and it goes no further.

Beanbag

[Beanbag]

Oh, BTW, you might want to try CeltX for screenwriting.

http://www.celtx.com/

I've tried a lot of the free and shareware script software like Cinergy, and have fiddled with the commercial stuff. I even wrote my own macros for a MS Word screenplay template. CeltX works as good as the commercial stuff and my own, plus it has a spell-checker, is free, and is cross-platform (windows, linux, mac).

Beanbag

[quixotecoyote]

Oh, BTW, you might want to try CeltX for screenwriting.

http://www.celtx.com/

I've tried a lot of the free and shareware script software like Cinergy, and have fiddled with the commercial stuff. I even wrote my own macros for a MS Word screenplay template. CeltX works as good as the commercial stuff and my own, plus it has a spell-checker, is free, and is cross-platform (windows, linux, mac).

Beanbag

That's a fun looking tool. I'm not doing screenplays, but I'm going to steal it for some other projects I've got on the back burner.

[ConspiRaider]

Rewrite:

EXT. HIGGINS AVENUE - NIGHT

Streetlights cast dark shadows on the quiet, upscale suburban neighborhood. No cars are seen or heard. Lights show in only a few homes.

A CAT walks leisurely across the lawns, passing in and out of shadows.

EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT

The cat stops at one particular house, sniffing the grass here and there. Through the closed drapes of the picture window, a light flickers inside the house. Sounds of a TELEVISION PROGRAM are heard faintly.

INT. SECOND FLOOR BEDROOM, HOUSE - NIGHT

Through the upstairs window, the cat is seen out on the lawn. Inside the room is made bed, a desk, an end table. The hallway door is closed.

A closet door opens with the sound of a TURNING KNOB. A tall, black-clad steps out, wearing long black leather gloves and a hood. His eyes glisten faintly in the gloom. The figure quietly moves to the hall door, listens, then cautiously opens it. A TELEVISION can be heard faintly below, the light from the TV flickering faintly on the walls.

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
The figure moves towards the stairs. A long knife shows in his belt. The figure quietly moves down the stairs.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A television plays unwatched in the far corner. Two figures lie asleep in recliners in front of the TV, an OLDER MAN and an OLDER WOMAN, their heads on pillows and covered with blankets.

The figure draws the knife and hefts it, then takes it by the blade. Moving to the older man, the figure raises the knife, hesitates, then strikes the older man across the left temple with the handle of the knife. The handle strikes with a THUD, but there is no sound from the man. Shifting hands, the figure strikes the older man again, this time on the right temple. The older man lays silent.

The figure moves to the still-sleeping woman. Moving quickly and decisively, the figure strikes her across the left temple, then on the right temple in a backhand return.

The figure pauses for an instant, BREATHING QUIETLY but HEAVILY. After several seconds, the figure carefully takes the remote control from the table and turns off the television. The room falls silent.

EXT. HIGGINS AVENUE - LATE NIGHT

The flickering light goes dark around the picture window. The cat looks up at the change and sniffs. After a pause, the cat continues along the street.

FADE OUT.

End Rewrite


Good scenes, but I had to re-read your version about three times to get the action sequence. Especially how he was using the knife.

It may have something to do with whatever script style you're using, but CHARACTERS are capitalized the first time they appear in the script. Sounds such as PHONE RINGING or THUNDER are capitalized each and every time they occur. Items such as end table or bed are not capitalized UNLESS they are an active character in the screenplay (like the living furniture in Beauty and The Beast).

Also, a technical issue. It's hard as heck to use a knife as a club while holding the blade. Either the attacker cuts their hand on the sharp edge(s) (you didn't specify single or double edged), or the knife goes flying across the room after the first impact. If you're going to use a fighting knife to strike someone, you hold it by the handle as usual and strike them with the butt. More force concentrated on a smaller impact area. Does more damage.

Beanbag
Cool beans, Beanbag! :)

Now then. Perhaps you're inferring too much meaning from this very first scene? It is designed to be a bit vague - that is exactly my intent. It should raise questions in the mind of the theater patron. This is a 106-page screenplay, and that roughly equates to a one-hour forty-five minute movie. And - it's a murder mystery. It has to play out. You're not necessarily going to get what you want, when you expect it. In fact you won't even get what you expect. :)

Essentially this scene is just supposed to get you into the setting - very late at night, assume everybody has gone to beddy-bye, it's a residential street in a handsome suburb. Something nasty happens inside one of those houses. Some guy is hidden in a room of the house, emerges, and whacks a sleeping couple in the living room.

The cat is not terribly necessary - just a way to direct us into the house. Now when a director shoots this, she or he may do it differently. Maybe no cat. Maybe a telling piece of trash paper blowing across the lawns, and gets caught up on the target lawn. Maybe we have the figure entering the house. Maybe we start from within the blackness of the closet.

Guaranteed - a director WILL change things, if for no other reason than to put his or her marks upon the film. In fact this scene might get cut - or moved. But I have to give them something to start with.

Your way of doing this scene may work just as well. Or better. Or not?

Good stuff and thanks.

[ConspiRaider]

Oh, BTW, you might want to try CeltX for screenwriting.

http://www.celtx.com/

I've tried a lot of the free and shareware script software like Cinergy, and have fiddled with the commercial stuff. I even wrote my own macros for a MS Word screenplay template. CeltX works as good as the commercial stuff and my own, plus it has a spell-checker, is free, and is cross-platform (windows, linux, mac).

Beanbag
Thanks BB, although I'm basically set in that area. I'd first used Hollywood Screenplay, it was halfway decent. Then I tried Final Draft and that was the one. I also had to find out the hard way that Final Draft is kind of a standard in the industry. Very important when you are emailing scripts to industry folks or to contests or agents or whomever. I'd written the above in Hollywood Screenplay and then decided to convert it to Final Draft. Took a weekend. :) But worth it. What you are seeing here is not quite how the formatting goes in Final Draft, or indeed in any script. The dialogue, as you may know, is ALWAYS centered, the action is ALWAYS left-justified.

[Beanbag]

You --really-- don't want the first scene to be vague and unreadable to the all-important First Reader. I like the action sequence, think the cat is an excellent visual tool to show the street and then move the action inside the house. What caused the problem was that I had to read and re-read the sequence in the living room to be able to visualize what was happening. As my agent explained it to me, use short, direct sentences, with clear visual exposition.

The rest of my comments are mere nit-picking. :)

Beanbag

[Checkmite]

I haven't bought Final Draft yet; right now, I use Sophocles (http://www.sophocles.net/).

[The_Fire]

I personally use ScriptMaker (http://www.freefilmsoftware.co.uk/ )
Excellent little piece of software and the version without the spellcheck is freeware. Somehow the freeware thing was extremely important when I started and now I can't see myself using anything else.......[/end shameless plug]

As for the script, you've already gotten some good advice.
Remember the KISS also when you write up: Keep It Simple.....I'm going to stop there before I'm insulting someone, but you get the gist.

Aside from the advice already given, I'm not to sure about including the character descriptions. Personally I don't use them as I see them as limiting to the castselection, but that's probably just me (hold up a PAX-sign for the other writers).

[ConspiRaider]

I personally use ScriptMaker (http://www.freefilmsoftware.co.uk/)
Excellent little piece of software and the version without the spellcheck is freeware. Somehow the freeware thing was extremely important when I started and now I can't see myself using anything else.......[/end shameless plug]

As for the script, you've already gotten some good advice.
Remember the KISS also when you write up: Keep It Simple.....I'm going to stop there before I'm insulting someone, but you get the gist.

Aside from the advice already given, I'm not to sure about including the character descriptions. Personally I don't use them as I see them as limiting to the castselection, but that's probably just me (hold up a PAX-sign for the other writers).
Actually I'll be drawing this experiment to a close. I really didn't know what to expect. The commentary is very fine, terrific. The REWRITE was a shock, totally unanticipated, and now we're starting to get into copyright issues and so forth. Best not to go further.

Character descriptions: Necessary in the 2nd scene, for those 3. They are majors. Now in other scenes? My descriptions are more general, more non-specific. But these 3 folks - how they are briefly drawn in the 2nd scene is eventually brought out as the script unfolds. Casting people need to know.

My habit in drawing characters is to shade non-specificity, because as an actor I know that a conscientious one has to do his/her homework for the character. The director, also, is going to have a huge influence on how characters are drawn and played.

In this particular script: I need to point out specific traits of the police chief. I need to specifically mention the appearance of the lady cop - it's critical. And I chose to draw the lead detective as black because - I just did. It fits with how I wanted to draw my characters. And the little baseball interaction between the chief and the black detective? It's important - not accidental. There's a reason for it, a reason why I specifiy it.

This movie is not quite what you think it's going to be. It is actually more character-driven, character-based. It is not about exploding heads and buildings blowing up and car chases and helicopter gunships shooting into swimming pools or other such nonsense. I realize people - especially younger people - expect most movies to be just that. But I'm not interested in making forgettable, shallow films. Plenty of other screenwriters around to dish out that swill...

[Beanbag]

I wouldn't really call it a rewrite: more of a reformatting, as I cut-and-pasted chunks of the original, and condensed a few sentences together. If there's a copyright problem, then I'm the one in trouble, 'cause I used your original material:D.

Actually, I recreated the usual give-and-take from a writers' get-together, where one person reads their work and the others give (hopefully) useful suggestions.

And, no, I'm not submitting a copy to my agent for possible future development. Wouldn't dream of it.

Regards;
Beanbag

[ConspiRaider]

I wouldn't really call it a rewrite: more of a reformatting, as I cut-and-pasted chunks of the original, and condensed a few sentences together. If there's a copyright problem, then I'm the one in trouble, 'cause I used your original material:D.

Actually, I recreated the usual give-and-take from a writers' get-together, where one person reads their work and the others give (hopefully) useful suggestions.

And, no, I'm not submitting a copy to my agent for possible future development. Wouldn't dream of it.

Regards;
Beanbag
Cool, BB. :) No, you're not in trouble.

I am finding a consistency: Readers (as in non-writers) have been giving me accurate feedback on my screenplays. The potential sitter-in-the-chairer-at-the-theaterer person. They have tended to like, and dislike, aspects of the scripts that tend to all line up. Kind of amazing, the consistency. They are looking at the script as it hits them, without preconceptions.

Writers, on the other hand, basically rip each other's work to absolute shreds. Constantly critical, sometimes brutally so. I'm that way too, as a writer. We're pretty ruthless. Not sure why.