Fixing the Bible

[Steven Howard]

You know how sometimes, some of the stories in the Bible seem to kind of have ... the wrong message? As in, if somebody really acted the way God tells people in the Bible to act, you'd think they were a dangerous loon? Well, I thought somebody should do something about that, and maybe revise some of these stories to have a more positive and pro-social theme. Like changing the guns in E.T. into walkie-talkies, only with more talking animals and less product placement.

In that vein, I present my version of Genesis 22. The best version of the original story is, of course, the first verse of Bob Dylan's song "Highway 61 Revisited", which goes:

God said to Abraham, Kill me your son
Abe said, Man you must be putting me on
God said Yo! Abe said What?
God said you can do what you want, Abe, but
The next time you see me comin', you better run
Abe said, Where you want this killin' done?
God said, Out on Highway 61

Here's how it should go:

And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am. And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.

And Abraham said unto the LORD, Get thee bent. And God was much vexed with Abraham; and waxed very wroth; and his countenance grew cloudy. And God said unto Abraham: What didst thou say? But Abraham was much angered at this evil the LORD would have him do, and said unto him, Thou heard me; get thee bent. And he cursed the name of the LORD and said unto him again, Go forth and multiply with thyself, LORD.

And so God did wax even more wroth; and his eyes did flash with anger; and steam did pour forth from his ears with a mighty whistling sound like unto forty tea kettles. And he spoke a third time unto him, Abraham, saying, Look, you man, I am the LORD your God. Dost thou not recall how I hath laid the divine smackdown on Sodom and Gomorrah, just a couple of chapters back? Did I not beset Pharaoh and the Egyptians with plagues, a chapter or two before that? Hast thou no fear of thy God? Wilt thou defy me and suffer my wrath?

But Abraham heeded not the words of God, and said unto him, What wilt thou do, O LORD? Wilt thou strike me blind, or deaf? Wilt thou visit me with plagues and boils and fevers and have me set upon by wild beasts? Wilt thou slay me as thou didst slay all of Sodom and Gomorrah who were wicked in thy sight? How wouldst thou punish me, that was worse than to make me my son's murderer?

And God saw that Abraham was resolute, and that his words were just; and further he saw that Abraham's love for his son Isaac was stronger than his fear of the LORD. And he spoke once more unto Abraham, saying Blessed are you, Abraham, whose love is stronger than fear, even fear of the LORD your God. For thou hast thought for thyself, and stood up to God, instead of just blindly following orders like some mook.

And Abraham's anger with God did abate, and he said unto him, Thou hadst me going there, O LORD. And he asked him, What wouldst thou have done if I obeyed thee? And God laughed and said unto Abraham, Verily, I would have sent an angel of the LORD to stop thee from sacrificing thy own son. What kind of God dost thou think I am? But Abraham thought it wise not to answer that, and didst change the subject, saying unto him, LORD, all who hear it are much entertained by the tale of how thou sent plagues upon the house of Pharaoh back in Chapter 19. Perhaps thou couldst do something like that again in the next book, and thou shouldst go into more detail on the nature of the plagues this time.

[Achán hiNidráne]

I have to agree with sweet little River Tam on this topic: The Bible is broken.

[Kopji]

Oops sorry, I thought this was going to be a thread on how to drill a hole and run a bolt through it.

[quixotecoyote]

Do I smell a forum project? Chapter by chapter rewrite to fix the myths into some semblance of ethics and believability?

[Mel Odious]

Hey Steve, you want to try another passage? Here is a prayer of the prophet Jeremiah that's just crying out for a rewrite:

(Jeremiah chapter 18, KJV)

19. Give heed to me, O LORD, and hearken to the voice of them that contend with me.
20. Shall evil be recompensed for good? for they have digged a pit for my soul. Remember that I stood before thee to speak good for them, and to turn away thy wrath from them.
21. Therefore deliver up their children to the famine, and pour out their blood by the force of the sword; and let their wives be bereaved of their children, and be widows; and let their men be put to death; let their young men be slain by the sword in battle.
22. Let a cry be heard from their houses, when thou shalt bring a troop suddenly upon them: for they have digged a pit to take me, and hid snares for my feet.
23. Yet, LORD, thou knowest all their counsel against me to slay me: forgive not their iniquity, neither blot out their sin from thy sight, but let them be overthrown before thee; deal thus with them in the time of thine anger.


Yep, that certainly seems to be sending the wrong message ...

[blobru]

Fix the Bible?
1 extra page, Big-Ass Gothic:
NOT!
All fix. :)

[kmortis]

Fix the Bible?
1 extra page, Big-Ass Gothic:
NOT!
All fix. :)

Or even better

Disclaimer: All characters are fictional. Any resemblance to actual people is purely by coincidence and any of their actions in actual historical events is not accurate.

[Marquis de Carabas]

Please fix the Bible before it reproduces again.

[MWare]

Didn't Jefferson already do this?

[ImaginalDisc]

Didn't Jefferson already do this?

I thought he simply edited it with a razor blade.

[Gord_in_Toronto]

When I used to work with accountants it was standard practice when one of them retired to give them a book titled The Wit and Wisdom of Accountants. It consisted of about 200-hundred completely blank pages. I suggest the same format for the Bible.

[ChristineR]

People have already fixed the Bible. The vast majority of religious have never read most of it, and what they do read is so distorted and edited and cut-and-pasted that they might as well be making it all up.

For some reason a lot of them can't get past the handful gay sex verses though, even though almost none of them take the torrent of "give all you have to the poor" verses seriously.

[Omega Man]

Do I smell a forum project? Chapter by chapter rewrite to fix the myths into some semblance of ethics and believability?

I'm up for it. Seriously.

[-Fran-]

:D

Brilliant!

And a good idea, though it would take forever, most everything would need a re-write!

[Omega Man]

:D

Brilliant!

And a good idea, though it would take forever, most everything would need a re-write!

Disagree on 'forever' and agree on 'rewrite'.

I rewrote the book in cryptic poetry, only took me 36 years. The poetry is crap but the cryptic aspect is pretty cool. Seriously. It has been my hobby since I was a kid. I am confident that I can represent key components of the text in logical terms, which simultaneously dispels the mumbo-jumbo interpretation and supports a more logical interpretation. My main focus has been Genesis, chapters 1-11, and Apocalypse. By linking those two sections I have found that the rest just crumbles into dust (metaphorically), which is where it belongs.

om

[-Fran-]

Disagree on 'forever' and agree on 'rewrite'.

I rewrote the book in cryptic poetry, only took me 36 years. The poetry is crap but the cryptic aspect is pretty cool. Seriously. It has been my hobby since I was a kid. I am confident that I can represent key components of the text in logical terms, which simultaneously dispels the mumbo-jumbo interpretation and supports a more logical interpretation. My main focus has been Genesis, chapters 1-11, and Apocalypse. By linking those two sections I have found that the rest just crumbles into dust (metaphorically), which is where it belongs.

om

OK, I'll start now I'll be finished when I'm 73 :)

[SomeGuy]

Save yourself some time, and just buy a box of matches.

[Omega Man]

OK, I'll start now I'll be finished when I'm 73 :)

I'm sorry for being facetious:-)

I guess what I'm saying is that given the overall life span of the text (perhaps at least 2700 years) 36 years is relatively short. I'm also suggesting that I have done some ground work which doesn't need to be replicated, just tested.

I am a genuine poster and if I appear to be trolling please forgive me. In a sense I probably am trolling, but if the thread dies or I get shot down in flames I walk away or concede defeat. I have been hovering over this sight for about 6 months and have read many interesting and enlightening discourses, which has been invaluable to me in terms of learning how to construct a logical arguement.

Thanks is due:-)

I am not an academic or professional and hold no allegiance to any religion or politic, so my ability to transfer information is limited and I have no home base to run to. I work independently using the same sources as academics and professionals. I work hard at keeping my subjective experiences out of rational discourses and do not seek to cause offence in regard to any one elses subjective life experiences.

Rule no. 1: No one gets hurt!

Anyway, I reiterate, I'm up for it:-)

om

[-Fran-]

Anyway, I reiterate, I'm up for it:-)

om

Shoot! :)

Any chance of seeing some example of that poetry? I am genuinly curious about how that could look. I can't really imagine.

[Omega Man]

Save yourself some time, and just buy a box of matches.

Tried that. Got rid of it but didn't solve it. Nailed it to a tree once, nice feeling, but didn't solve it. Wrote poetry about it, nice construct, but didn't solve it.

If we burned all the copies in existence what impact would that have on global warming? Maybe we should convert the paper to insulation for houses, hang it in the toilet and wipe our butts with it, do origami with it. Could be a whole new craze, interesting things to do with redudndant books, but none of these things will solve it.

om

[Omega Man]

Shoot! :)

Any chance of seeing some example of that poetry? I am genuinly curious about how that could look. I can't really imagine.

Sure, but it is really important to keep in mind that one persons poetic ramblings are invalid in a logical discussion on ancient texts, and is merely personal subjective reflection. I may be able to justify the inclusion on the grounds that it is a useful tool for bringing to attention certain points, but that is all it can do, IMHO.

The following was my first serious attempt at rhyme, about three years ago.

SPEECHLESS

Consider the gift of speech‚
art of man and god alone.
By it did our parents breach
safety of our primal home.

Amidst the forest of all trees
there came a creature strange‚
with tongue prepared to tease
whoever was in range.

And then the question posed‚
the answer sure to bind.
Dost thou see thorn, or rose?
Look! Thou art not blind.

Why good sir ‘tis plain as day,
such beauty to behold‚
no more can I say‚
exceeds all weight of gold.

This speech was overheard
by one who stood nearby.
Hearken well to my word,
touch it not lest ye die!

To this day the forest rings
with voices all affray,
of wonders do some sing‚
while others rue the day.

So learn the lesson worn
and be not led astray,
the rose becomes the thorn.
And what more can I say?

Apologies to real poets;-)

om

[-Fran-]

Sure, but it is really important to keep in mind that one persons poetic ramblings are invalid in a logical discussion on ancient texts, and is merely personal subjective reflection. I may be able to justify the inclusion on the grounds that it is a useful tool for bringing to attention certain points, but that is all it can do, IMHO.

The following was my first serious attempt at rhyme, about three years ago.

SPEECHLESS

Consider the gift of speech‚
art of man and god alone.
By it did our parents breach
safety of our primal home.

Amidst the forest of all trees
there came a creature strange‚
with tongue prepared to tease
whoever was in range.

And then the question posed‚
the answer sure to bind.
Dost thou see thorn, or rose?
Look! Thou art not blind.

Why good sir ‘tis plain as day,
such beauty to behold‚
no more can I say‚
exceeds all weight of gold.

This speech was overheard
by one who stood nearby.
Hearken well to my word,
touch it not lest ye die!

To this day the forest rings
with voices all affray,
of wonders do some sing‚
while others rue the day.

So learn the lesson worn
and be not led astray,
the rose becomes the thorn.
And what more can I say?

Apologies to real poets;-)

om

Ahhh, OK, but now I see better what you were up to.

[Omega Man]

The first step in fixing the book is to translate it properly. The opening sentence is still not translated correctly in any existing reproduction that I know of. There is no definite article before the word ‘beginning’ in Gen1:1. It is not about the beginning, just a beginning. And ‘elohim’ does not mean ‘god’ but ‘mighty ones, strong ones, fat ones, pregnant ones’, in plural form. I like ‘evolutionary survivors’ for ‘elohim’. ‘The heavens’ and ‘the earth’ are ‘the sky (night and day)’ and ‘the field’ respectively, poetic metaphor for ‘everything you can see’; note the omission of ocean. The seven days are a poetic construct which supplies a hierarchy of symbolic sources for the remainder of the myth. Important to note in this section which character does the creating.

‘Yahweh’ = ‘to be, to exist, I am’ is a completely different character from ‘elohim’, but at particular points they merge. The word ‘yahweh’ was not coined by the writer of this text as it pre-existed it (see: Theological Dictionary of the Old Testament under the appropriate head word). Consider that it is ‘elohim’ who tells Abraham to kill his son but ‘yahweh’ who tells him not to. The implication is that the plural ‘elohim’ is ‘the voices of the past’ or ‘ways of the fathers’ or ‘primal memories’ or ‘voices in my head’, but the singular ‘yahweh’ is the ‘voice of myself in the here and now’ or the ‘voice of reason’, or, if you like, ‘self cognisance’. This character interacts with three other characters in a dance around a pole within an ‘enclosure of delight’. Adam = ‘red, red clay, mankind’, masculine, and Eve = ‘breath, life’, feminine, from a root with the same meaning as the root of ‘yahweh’. ‘Talking serpent’ is actually ‘nachash’ = ‘polished copper’, or ‘self reflective device’, or, metaphorically, ‘self reflection’. ‘Talking serpent’ quotes ‘elohim’, not ‘yahweh’. Eve and ‘yahweh’ are related linguistically, Adam and polished copper are related in colour. Female and male, both fully exposed, meet self reflection and self cognisance - together.

The pole is in the middle of the enclosure and is the literary representation of not only the knowledge of good and evil but of life also. The pole is a symbol for the erect phallus; as the pole of life, one of the necessary implements to create babies, and as the pole of knowledge of good and evil, the knowledge that some babies grow up to be good and others evil. This notion is followed through in the twin brothers, Cain and Abel. Implication of the text is that the two ideas of life and knowing good and evil are inseparable, and it all depends on how you see life as to what it looks like. This notion of duality of perception is carried forward into the ‘ark of the covenant’ or ‘box of dead things’. This box contained symbols of the verbal elements of the myth, i.e. food, tree and law, or manna, Aaron’s rod and the tables of the law. Consider that from one view could be seen the statement ‘Thou shall not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil...’, and from another view ‘ ..good for food, pleasing to the eye and desirable to make one wise’.

It is important to note carefully who says what to whom in the discourses while keeping in mind the metaphorical value of the devices and characters. This myth is the foundation of the rest of the law and prophets, right up to Apocalypse, which is solved against this allegorical framework.

The phallus becomes a focal point in terms of circumcision, which is no more than a symbolic reference to the ‘uncovering of the heart of Adam’. The common love heart symbol is the underside view of an exposed, or circumcised, glans. The heart and glans share a physical characteristic in that they pulse in a common rhythm, which would have been blatantly obvious to even the most primal observer.

By myth I do not mean ‘lie’ but a constructed literary device designed to transfer information. The original myth was probably used as a sex education tool for adolescents.

For all Semitic word meanings I use the following:

Theological Dictionary of the Old Testament Edited by. G. Botterweck, H. Ringren, H. Fabry. Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1979

Gesenius, H. W. F. Gesenius’ Hebrew and Chaldee Lexicon to the Old Testament Translated by S. P. Tregelles. Bellingham, WA: Logos Research Systems, Inc.

For Greek word meanings I use Perseus/Tufts online (can't post URLs yet).

I use Interlinear Scripture Analyzer v1.2.0 for the texts. This program contains BHS and the Westcott-Hort text with Nestle-Aland 26th and 27th edition variants

Anyway, there’s a start;-)

om

[Beerina]

Just leave the part where the tramps love gettin' plowed by guys with donkey-sized wangs. That's fine, as-is.

[Robin]

Do I smell a forum project? Chapter by chapter rewrite to fix the myths into some semblance of ethics and believability?
Sounds like a good idea to me. We could start a Wiki Bible, freely editable by all and of course no need for editorial control, since God would prevent Error from creeping into it.

[GreNME]

How is replacing one dogma with another not simply another attempt at religion?

[cnorman18]

Very funny OP. Even as a believer, I can think of no reason why it couldn't have happened in just that way.

Of course, toward the end of Genesis 18, Abraham pretty much does just that...

"Shall the Judge of all the earth not be just?"

[Cosmo]

I have to agree with sweet little River Tam on this topic: The Bible is broken.

That is exactly what I thought of when I saw the thread title. :)

[Kopji]

I can recommend Nietzsche's 'Thus Spoke Zarathustra'. humm, maybe time better spent.