Wheezebucket
5th November 2007, 04:42 AM
So this church in Shoreline sends me garbage from time to time, and a week ago I got a mailer for 'EXPLORE PROPHECY!!! Our Day In Bible Prophecy', a billion week seminar at a church not too far from where I live. I missed the first two nights, 'Our Day in Bible Prophecy' and 'Will There Ever Be A Lasting World Peace?' but I did manage to make it to last night's 'The Truth About The After Life' and it was awesome.
Just in case you were on the fence, I should probably tell you right out the gate that yes, there is in fact a Heaven, and from what I heard last night, it's wicked awesome. It's bigger than America, you get to live in a house on a golf course and you get a pool (with heated hot tub) - it's gonna be pretty killer. Also, apparently you only get to eat fruit off one type of tree, BUT, here's the kicker, it's got TWELVE different kinds of fruit on it. I guess you're SOL if you're not big into fruit, but the dude also said that animals won't attack you anymore or, I assume, fight back if you try to clobber one with a branch and devour it raw (no more disease either - score). I wish I had made that up...
Anyways, the point of last night's seminar was that Heaven kicks ass, and it's gonna have twelve gates made out of a pearl each. Tomorrow night's is 'How Near Is The End?!?!?!' (I added a couple of those exclamations and question marks, I think they undersell it a little on the pamphlet) and I'm gonna hit it up. If I attend 5 or 12 or a million of these (I can't remember the exact amount) I get a sweet bible. Seriously, it's amazing the stuff that comes out of this guy's face.
If anyone else lives around the Seattle/Shoreline area and wants to go, the address is -
17424 5th Ave NE
Shoreline, WA 98155
(on the corner of 5th and 175th)
They have **** going on most nights of the week until December 14th (they all start at 7:30). Not sold yet? Check out some of these titles -
God's Answer To Evolution - Nov. 16
Discovered: The World's Greatest Cover Up - Nov. 17
Armageddon: The Middle East Crisis - Nov. 18
How God Treats Rebellious Sinners - Nov. 20
How to Have Lasting Financial Security - Dec. 2
The Miraculous, Fantastic Second Coming of Jesus - Dec. 14
And many, many more...
Plus there's a raffle at the end of each one, but I left before they did it last night. The lady asked me if I wanted to stay for it as I was leaving, but I said 'no, thank you, I don't gamble' - burn!
See you there, Holy Washingtonites (Washingtonians? Washingtonocusi?)!
Just in case you were on the fence, I should probably tell you right out the gate that yes, there is in fact a Heaven, and from what I heard last night, it's wicked awesome. It's bigger than America, you get to live in a house on a golf course and you get a pool (with heated hot tub) - it's gonna be pretty killer. Also, apparently you only get to eat fruit off one type of tree, BUT, here's the kicker, it's got TWELVE different kinds of fruit on it. I guess you're SOL if you're not big into fruit, but the dude also said that animals won't attack you anymore or, I assume, fight back if you try to clobber one with a branch and devour it raw (no more disease either - score). I wish I had made that up...
Anyways, the point of last night's seminar was that Heaven kicks ass, and it's gonna have twelve gates made out of a pearl each. Tomorrow night's is 'How Near Is The End?!?!?!' (I added a couple of those exclamations and question marks, I think they undersell it a little on the pamphlet) and I'm gonna hit it up. If I attend 5 or 12 or a million of these (I can't remember the exact amount) I get a sweet bible. Seriously, it's amazing the stuff that comes out of this guy's face.
If anyone else lives around the Seattle/Shoreline area and wants to go, the address is -
17424 5th Ave NE
Shoreline, WA 98155
(on the corner of 5th and 175th)
They have **** going on most nights of the week until December 14th (they all start at 7:30). Not sold yet? Check out some of these titles -
God's Answer To Evolution - Nov. 16
Discovered: The World's Greatest Cover Up - Nov. 17
Armageddon: The Middle East Crisis - Nov. 18
How God Treats Rebellious Sinners - Nov. 20
How to Have Lasting Financial Security - Dec. 2
The Miraculous, Fantastic Second Coming of Jesus - Dec. 14
And many, many more...
Plus there's a raffle at the end of each one, but I left before they did it last night. The lady asked me if I wanted to stay for it as I was leaving, but I said 'no, thank you, I don't gamble' - burn!
See you there, Holy Washingtonites (Washingtonians? Washingtonocusi?)!