The "Bad religious jokes" thread

shemp · 15th February 2003, 05:58 AM

There was this preacher who started a ministry. He had the gift of prophecy, and he sought out other prophets who also had the gift. His ministry grew large and prosperous.

One day, he became concerned after reading a story about pockets of cannibalism in Africa. He decided to do something about it. He said to his prophets, "I am sending you to Africa to convert the cannibals." He got together a planeload of them and sent them off to Africa.

Soon, word came that all his prophets had disappeared. As he was grieving over this, his accountant arrived with even more bad news. "Reverend, you have spent too much on this mission, and your church is now in the red."

The reverend replied, "Oh my lord, first I hear that all my missionaries are gone, and now my church is in deficit. How can this be?"

"Simple," the accountant replied. "The cannibals are eating up the prophets!"

15th February 2003, 08:38 AM

A massive archive of bad jokes:

http://sickjokes.miningco.com/library/blrel1.htm

Ladewig · 15th February 2003, 07:42 PM

Moses's birth marked the end of an economic depression in Egypt. It was the first time in hundreds of years that the banks of the Nile showed a prophet.

fidiot · 15th February 2003, 10:37 PM

One day the apostles were having a party, and Jesus asked Peter: "where did you get money for all of this wine you're drinking?", to which Peter replied: "Judas sold something".

thaiboxerken · 16th February 2003, 05:37 AM

Jesus walks into a hotel. He slaps 3 nails on the counter.

"Have a place to put me up for the night?"

arcticpenguin · 16th February 2003, 08:01 AM

Bad religious jokes -
you mean like Jerry Falwell?

16th February 2003, 08:22 AM

How many fundies does it take to change a light bulb?

"Why should we change a light bulb? The rapture is at hand!"

When will doomsday be imminent again for the Jehova's Witlesses?

When the debt they piled up from spending (and tithing) like there's no tomorrow for the last doomsday is sorted out enough that they can get more loans.

Ladewig · 16th February 2003, 11:24 AM

Quote:

How many fundies does it take to change a light bulb?

"Why should we change a light bulb? The rapture is at hand!"

The thread seems to be focusing on Christianity, so let's broaden the scope.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want it changed into.

How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?[take1]
Two. One to change the light bulb and one to not change the light bulb.

How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?[take2]
It is the nature of light bulbs to burn out. Why does this bother you?

How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?
For $5000 you can attend an introductory light-bulb changing seminar.
There you will learn that you have been changing light bulbs the
wrong way. Future, pricier seminars will teach you the right way.

How many Hindus does it take to change a light bulb? [take1]
None. The light bulb will reincarnate itself without outside effort.

How many Hindus does it take to change a light bulb? [take2]
None. We shall never find a bulb to burn as brightly as the first.

How many Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - because its a majical number.

How many After-Death-Communicators does it take to change a light bulb?
I can't tell you until you give me your credit card number.

Watcher · 16th February 2003, 12:12 PM

How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?
"You can't prove that the bulb needs to be changed, that's just your personal subjective belief."

Bjorn · 16th February 2003, 12:55 PM

How many redneck Christian country and western singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One two put in the new, while the other sings about the old one.

Ladewig · 16th February 2003, 09:38 PM

I surprised that nobody has thrown up the grand-daddy of them all.

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they are really one.

16th February 2003, 10:28 PM

Q: How many intolerant skeptics does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Anyone have any Taoism jokes?

MRC_Hans · 16th February 2003, 10:33 PM

What do monks get when the laundry machine breaks down?

Dirty Habits.

17th February 2003, 09:57 AM

Religious Poopy Jokes (Equal opportunity)

Moo Jokes

The Chocolate Ritual

UserGoogol · 17th February 2003, 11:36 AM

Here's a joke my programming teacher told me which is religiony in nature. Here is a retelling.

Quote:

Okay, it was the end of the world and the fate of the universe was to be decided by a programming contest between Jesus and Satan, which was to be judged by God.

So they got to work on their code. They both typed away constantly without sleep or nourishment and they both compiled programs which they thought were worth the ownership of a fresh new universe.

So God came in, and the skies shook and lightnight fell and the screens went blank. God walked over to Satan first, and Satan turned his computer back on, and the file was gone. Satan managed to scrounge up an older program, but didn't really do so good. Then God walked over to Jesus's computer, who popped in a floppy and then ran a magnificient program. It was a graphics editor, it was an e-mail program, it was a web browser, it did all sorts of stuff, but without being bloated. So Jesus won the contest.

Afterwards, as Jesus's realm descended upon the world, Satan asked what had happened.

"Well it's very simple," God replied. "Jesus saves."

Upchurch · 17th February 2003, 11:51 AM

There once was a god-fearing old man who lived near a river. One day, while watching the news, there was a report of possible flooding in the days to come and the man prayed to the Lord to save him.

A few days later the raining began and the police went door to door, evacuating the town by the bus load, but when the police came to the old man's door, he sent them away saying, "The Lord will save me."

A few days after that, the river broke through it's banks and flooded the town in three feet of water. The sherrif came by the old man's house in a boat to evacuate him, but he sent the sherrif away saying, "The Lord will save me."

A few days after that, the dam up river broke and sent a huge wall of water towards the town. The old man was forced to climb up onto the roof of his house. The national guard came in a helecopter to evacuate him, but he sent them away saying, "The Lord will save me."

Finally, the house collapsed. The old man drowned and went to Heaven. When he got there, he asked the God, "Lord, why didn't you save me?"

With a look of disgust, God looked at him and said, "Look I sent you a bus, a boat and a helecopter. What were you waiting for?!?"

17th February 2003, 12:57 PM

Why do nuns always walk around in twos?

One nun is to see the other nun don't get none!

Did you hear about the nymphomaniac that joined the catholic church cus she heard there was a guy hung like this?

KillerBob · 17th February 2003, 01:13 PM

Might as well toss in a classic:

Q: What kind of meat does a priest eat?

A: Nun

Thanz · 17th February 2003, 01:20 PM

How many athiests does it take to change a light bulb?

What lightbulb?

Thanz · 17th February 2003, 01:24 PM

Jesus, on the cross, in his waning moments of life, calls to the crowd below, 'Peter!' The apostle Peter hears the call and moves closer to his liege. 'Yes, my Lord, he says. Jesus calls again, 'Peter!' Peter approaches the base of the cross, 'Yes my Lord, it is Peter, I am here for you what do you need?' Jesus calls, 'Come closer Peter.' Peter is beside himself, wondering what the son of God might have to say to him alone... He climbs the cross. Jesus calls 'Peter, come closer.' Peter replies that he is coming. At last, Peter reaches Jesus on the cross, and says, 'I am here my Lord, what can I do?' Jesus says 'Peter? Peter? Is that you Peter?' 'Yes my Lord, I am here for you.' Jesus says 'Peter, I can see your house from here....'

thaiboxerken · 17th February 2003, 01:41 PM

Jesus stepped on a thorn...

"GODDAMN IT!"

And god did.

whitefork · 17th February 2003, 01:44 PM

Why can't the Buddha vacuum under his sofa?
No attachments.

What did the Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

Tricky · 17th February 2003, 02:00 PM

Two nuns were walking through Central Park when two burly men grabbed them, drug them into the brush and began to ...uh... assault them.

The first nun cried out, "Father forgive him, for he knows not what he does!"

The second nun cried out, "Mine does."

Yahzi · 17th February 2003, 02:05 PM

A man is an avid golfer all his life. When he dies and goes to heaven, he is thrilled to find out that it is a billion-hole golf course.

As he and St. Peter are playing a round, he sees a golfer in the distance about to attempt an impossible shot across 400 yards of yawning abyss onto a 3 foot green.

The man exclaims, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

"He is Jesus," sadly replies St. Peter. "He thinks he's Jack Nicholaus."

Agammamon · 18th February 2003, 06:20 AM

There's a Catholic priest, Protestant preacher , and a Jewish rabbi that decided to get together socially to further enrich their understanding the specifics of each others religion. Every Saturday these three would have a picnic lunch in baot out on a nearby lake. On one of these weekend outings, while the three were out on the lake, the Catholic noticed they were out of mustard. So he hopped over the side of the boat and walked across the lake to the nearby shore, grabbed the condiment from the car and strolled back in. As the priest returns, the Protestant steps out and heads to shore to grab the other bottle of soda they forgot to bring out with them. Well as you can imagine, the rabbi is a little astonished and perplexed at all of this walking on water. Perhaps being a little stunned and not thinking too clearly he declares that they need some more sliced turkey and leaps from the boat and promptly sinks below the surface. At that point the priest looks to the preacher and says "Do you think we should of told him about the rocks?".

whitefork · 18th February 2003, 06:23 AM

Rabbi and priest about to cross the street. Rabbi steps off the curb, cab comes by and knock him down. He gets up, dusts himself off and makes what appears to be the sign of the cross.
Priest: Jacob, what's with the sign of the cross?
Rabbi: No, just taking inventory - spectacles, testicles, fountain pen, wallet.

Tricky · 18th February 2003, 06:37 AM

God is talking to Adam in the Garden of Eden,

God:Adam, I know you are lonely, so I am going to make you a companion. She will be beautiful and loving. She will be your intellectual equal and your sexual ideal. She will take care of you, stand by you, believe in you, and cater to your every need.

Adam:Wow! sounds great! How much is this gonna cost me?

God:An arm and a leg.

Adam: Too expensive. What can I get for a rib?

Dylab · 18th February 2003, 09:10 AM

I found this on another message board.

A guy goes to a zoo and sees a gorilla with two books. The gorilla looks confused. One of the books is the Bible, the other Darwin. The guy asks the gorilla why he looks confused. The gorilla says "I can't figure out if I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother!"

Akots · 18th February 2003, 09:44 AM

An athiest skeptic is walking along the beach (as atheist skeptics are frequently wont to do) near a vacation resort he's spending the summer at; it's approaching sunset, and he's out enjoying the salty air, and walking over the cool, sea-shell littered sand. Suddenly, and inexplicably, a loud booming voice thunders down from the heavans.

"DIG."

The man blinks. Knowing he is alone, he wonders if it's his imagination, or if he's suffering from sleep deprivation without realizing it.

The voice booms again, louder and angrier. "I SAID DIG!"

The man looks around, startled to realize he is the sole target of the voice. Whatever the source, it's very threatening. Fearful of corporeal harm, the man immediately drops to his knees, and starts scooping sand away with his bare hands. After a scant sixty seconds, he notices a hard wooden object. His curiosity piqued, he slowly excavates the object, discovering it to be a large wooden strongbox, with metal bracings and a rusty old padlock.

By now, he's almost forgotten about the voice...but it returns, as deapheningly loud as before. "THE ROCK."

The man gives a nervous shrug to no-one in particular, grabs a nearby rock, and smashes the ancient, decaying padlock open.

"OPEN."

Not having to be told twice, the atheist skeptic (still not convinced of any paranormal activity, simply assuming he is either hallucinating, or is somehow suffering a trick from his resoruceful atheist, skeptical compatriots) opens the creaky old chest. Under a layer of fetid water, rotten fungus and decomposing plant matter, the man is rendered speechless at the sight of a massive pile of gold and silver doubloons, cut jewels, and fine jewelry, apparently of spanish origin.

The voice booms once more. "ROUTE 87."

The man picks up the enormously heavy chest, and manages to lug the strongbox to the roadside.

"EAST."

By now, the man is far too curious (and to a degree, afraid) to disobey the commanding voice now. He caries the heavy box down the highway, on foot... despite his excellent health and superior physique, the gold is tremendously heavy, and he is soon approaching exhaustion. His clothes are all sweaty and unkempt, and he is covered with sand and dirt from digging, and smells like fetid seawater. By the time he finally reaches the nearest city, it is well past nightfall, and he looks likes a miserable wreck.

"TO THE CASINO!"

'...okay then!' the man thinks, and wearily heads for the largest, most glamorous casino in town. Surrounded by hob-nobbing millionaires in tuxedos and evening gowns, he rapidly gains the attention of the entire building.

"TO THE CASHIER!"

This time, when the voice booms down, everybody in the entire building immediately looks up, quite startled and mystified. The man struggles to carry the heavy box the last few feet to the change counter, his last dregs of strength quickly fading. Nobody dares approach him, but every eye in the room is fixed on him, and he is unknowingly the recipient of their undivided attention. He drops the strongbox onto the table. The banker, wide-eyed and astonished, franticaly begins weghing and appraising the huge pile of treasure, and finally gives the ragged looking man a huge pile of chips.

"TO THE ROULETTE TABLE!"

Everyone lookes up again, startled by the booming voice. By now, everyone in the casino is following the man to the roulette table, their attention completely captivated. He puts the pile of chips on the table.

"DOUBLE ZERO!"

The man attempts to put the entire pile of chips on double zero; it forms a sizable pile, and the employee at the table eventualy convinces the man to simply write a small check and place it as a placeholder. Everyone in the casino holds their breath as the wheel is spun... nobody can tear their eyes from it.

The ball lands on Red 1, missing double zero by only one slot.

The voice says "DAMN!"

Gregor · 18th February 2003, 10:23 AM

a priest, a rabbi, and a minister find a stack of gold coins beside the road. They decide they should give some money to the church/synagogue and keep the rest - but they can't decide how to divide it.

The minister says "let's draw a circle on the ground, throw the gold coins in the air, what ever lands inside the circle we keep. Outside the circle we give to our churches."

The priest says "well, that sounds ok, but how about we throw the coins in the air, and everything that lands in the circle we give to the church and everything outside the circle we keep."

The rabbi says "well, that sounds ok to, but how about we throw the coins in the air, and what ever God wants - he keeps."

thaiboxerken · 18th February 2003, 10:24 AM

Two Jewish guys were walking downtown when they come across a sign that is in front of a Catholic church that says:

"Conversions garaunteed, $500 rewarded at conversion, $500 if we fail."

So one Jew looks at the other and says "Why don't you go in and get the money?"

So the other Jew goes into the church. After about 15 minutes, he comes out with a smile on his face.

"Well, how did it go?"

"I'm saved by Jesus and the Church, and I have $500."

So the Jewish fella says, "Well, since it was my idea for you to go in, you should give me half."

A scowl comes across the newly converted Catholic's face.

"I've been Catholic for 5 minutes and I already hate you *********** Jews."

Blue Monk · 18th February 2003, 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by MRC_Hans
What do monks get when the laundry machine breaks down?

Dirty Habits.

Hey, Hey, HEY!

Layoff the monk jokes!

Blue Monk · 18th February 2003, 10:32 AM

Q: Why did Jesus cross the road?
A: Somebody nailed him to a chicken.

Tricky · 18th February 2003, 10:36 AM

Okay, I just wrote this one. Feel free to improve on it.
******************
Logical Deist: If I flip this coin I say it will land heads up because I am an optimist.

Taoist: The two sides of the coin are actually one.

Buddhist: Karmicly, you will be able to flip the coin many times.

Christian: It depends on whether or not the coin has accepted Jesus.

Moslem: If it a good coin, it will land among 43 uncirculated coins of the opposite side.

Athiest: Just flip the damn coin and find out.

Upchurch · 18th February 2003, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Tricky
Feel free to improve on it.

Matrix: There is no coin.

Blue Monk · 18th February 2003, 10:50 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Tricky
Okay, I just wrote this one. Feel free to improve on it.

Dr. Phil: But the coin has to really want to flip.

Soubrette · 18th February 2003, 10:52 AM

Shemp: Rather than toss the coin I'd like to do a quick poll

Sou

Q-Source · 18th February 2003, 11:00 AM

Mental monist: Everything is mental, I can choose the outcome.

Upchurch · 18th February 2003, 11:04 AM

Troll: Anyone who believes in the coin is a lying m***** f*****!!!

Upchurch · 18th February 2003, 11:11 AM

Tacoist: You've got a coin? Let's go buy some tacos!

15th February 2003, 05:58 AM	#1
shemp Timothy, Timothy, where on earth did you go? Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: trapped in a cave-in with Joe Posts: 12,953	The "Bad religious jokes" thread There was this preacher who started a ministry. He had the gift of prophecy, and he sought out other prophets who also had the gift. His ministry grew large and prosperous. One day, he became concerned after reading a story about pockets of cannibalism in Africa. He decided to do something about it. He said to his prophets, "I am sending you to Africa to convert the cannibals." He got together a planeload of them and sent them off to Africa. Soon, word came that all his prophets had disappeared. As he was grieving over this, his accountant arrived with even more bad news. "Reverend, you have spent too much on this mission, and your church is now in the red." The reverend replied, "Oh my lord, first I hear that all my missionaries are gone, and now my church is in deficit. How can this be?" "Simple," the accountant replied. "The cannibals are eating up the prophets!"
	__________________ Church on Sunday, sleep and nod Tryin' to duck the wrath of God Preacher's fillin' us with fright Tryin' to tell us what he thinks is right He really got to be some kind of nut (I can't use it!) Tryin' to make it real - compared to what?

15th February 2003, 08:38 AM	#2
evildave Guest Posts: n/a	A massive archive of bad jokes: http://sickjokes.miningco.com/library/blrel1.htm
evildave Guest Posts: n/a

15th February 2003, 07:42 PM	#3
Ladewig Hipster alien Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: not measurable Posts: 16,929	Moses's birth marked the end of an economic depression in Egypt. It was the first time in hundreds of years that the banks of the Nile showed a prophet.
	__________________ Is the JREF message board training wheels for people who hope to one day troll other message boards? It is not that hard to get us to believe you. We are not the major leagues or even the minor leagues. We are Pee-Wee baseball. If you love striking out 10-year-olds, then you'll love trolling our board.

15th February 2003, 10:37 PM	#4
fidiot Thinker Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 181	One day the apostles were having a party, and Jesus asked Peter: "where did you get money for all of this wine you're drinking?", to which Peter replied: "Judas sold something".
fidiot Thinker Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 181	__________________ "If the book the Bible and my brain are both the work of the same Infinite God, whose fault is it that the book and my brain do not agree?" - Robert Ingersoll "No rational argument will have a rational effect on a man who does not want to adopt a rational attitude." - Karl Popper

16th February 2003, 05:37 AM	#5
thaiboxerken Penultimate Amazing Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Portland, Oregon Posts: 21,059	Jesus walks into a hotel. He slaps 3 nails on the counter. "Have a place to put me up for the night?"
	__________________ All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power & profit - Thomas Paine

16th February 2003, 08:01 AM	#6
arcticpenguin woo ban clan Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 5,717	Bad religious jokes - you mean like Jerry Falwell?
	__________________ The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it. - George Bernard Shaw

16th February 2003, 08:22 AM	#7
evildave Guest Posts: n/a	How many fundies does it take to change a light bulb? "Why should we change a light bulb? The rapture is at hand!" When will doomsday be imminent again for the Jehova's Witlesses? When the debt they piled up from spending (and tithing) like there's no tomorrow for the last doomsday is sorted out enough that they can get more loans.
evildave Guest Posts: n/a

16th February 2003, 11:24 AM	#8
Ladewig Hipster alien Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: not measurable Posts: 16,929	Quote: How many fundies does it take to change a light bulb? "Why should we change a light bulb? The rapture is at hand!" The thread seems to be focusing on Christianity, so let's broaden the scope. How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on what you want it changed into. How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?[take1] Two. One to change the light bulb and one to not change the light bulb. How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?[take2] It is the nature of light bulbs to burn out. Why does this bother you? How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb? For $5000 you can attend an introductory light-bulb changing seminar. There you will learn that you have been changing light bulbs the wrong way. Future, pricier seminars will teach you the right way. How many Hindus does it take to change a light bulb? [take1] None. The light bulb will reincarnate itself without outside effort. How many Hindus does it take to change a light bulb? [take2] None. We shall never find a bulb to burn as brightly as the first. How many Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb? Three - because its a majical number. How many After-Death-Communicators does it take to change a light bulb? I can't tell you until you give me your credit card number.
	__________________ Is the JREF message board training wheels for people who hope to one day troll other message boards? It is not that hard to get us to believe you. We are not the major leagues or even the minor leagues. We are Pee-Wee baseball. If you love striking out 10-year-olds, then you'll love trolling our board.

16th February 2003, 12:12 PM	#9
Watcher New Blood Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 23	How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb? "You can't prove that the bulb needs to be changed, that's just your personal subjective belief."
Watcher New Blood Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 23

16th February 2003, 12:55 PM	#10
Bjorn Off Topic Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: San Diego, CA Posts: 2,974	How many redneck Christian country and western singers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One two put in the new, while the other sings about the old one.
	__________________ Little did I know, that all those days that came and went, were my life ....

16th February 2003, 09:38 PM	#11
Ladewig Hipster alien Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: not measurable Posts: 16,929	I surprised that nobody has thrown up the grand-daddy of them all. How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Three, but they are really one.
	__________________ Is the JREF message board training wheels for people who hope to one day troll other message boards? It is not that hard to get us to believe you. We are not the major leagues or even the minor leagues. We are Pee-Wee baseball. If you love striking out 10-year-olds, then you'll love trolling our board.

16th February 2003, 10:28 PM	#12
Guest Posts: n/a	Q: How many intolerant skeptics does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Anyone have any Taoism jokes?
Guest Posts: n/a

16th February 2003, 10:33 PM	#13
MRC_Hans Penultimate Amazing Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Whithin earshot of the North Sea Posts: 16,603	What do monks get when the laundry machine breaks down? Dirty Habits.
	__________________ Don't. Just don't.

17th February 2003, 09:57 AM	#14
evildave Guest Posts: n/a	Religious Poopy Jokes (Equal opportunity) Moo Jokes The Chocolate Ritual
evildave Guest Posts: n/a

17th February 2003, 11:36 AM	#15
UserGoogol Master Poster Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 2,074	Here's a joke my programming teacher told me which is religiony in nature. Here is a retelling. Quote: Okay, it was the end of the world and the fate of the universe was to be decided by a programming contest between Jesus and Satan, which was to be judged by God. So they got to work on their code. They both typed away constantly without sleep or nourishment and they both compiled programs which they thought were worth the ownership of a fresh new universe. So God came in, and the skies shook and lightnight fell and the screens went blank. God walked over to Satan first, and Satan turned his computer back on, and the file was gone. Satan managed to scrounge up an older program, but didn't really do so good. Then God walked over to Jesus's computer, who popped in a floppy and then ran a magnificient program. It was a graphics editor, it was an e-mail program, it was a web browser, it did all sorts of stuff, but without being bloated. So Jesus won the contest. Afterwards, as Jesus's realm descended upon the world, Satan asked what had happened. "Well it's very simple," God replied. "Jesus saves."

17th February 2003, 11:51 AM	#16
Upchurch Papa Funkosophy Join Date: May 2002 Location: Funky Town (STL, MO) Posts: 23,472	There once was a god-fearing old man who lived near a river. One day, while watching the news, there was a report of possible flooding in the days to come and the man prayed to the Lord to save him. A few days later the raining began and the police went door to door, evacuating the town by the bus load, but when the police came to the old man's door, he sent them away saying, "The Lord will save me." A few days after that, the river broke through it's banks and flooded the town in three feet of water. The sherrif came by the old man's house in a boat to evacuate him, but he sent the sherrif away saying, "The Lord will save me." A few days after that, the dam up river broke and sent a huge wall of water towards the town. The old man was forced to climb up onto the roof of his house. The national guard came in a helecopter to evacuate him, but he sent them away saying, "The Lord will save me." Finally, the house collapsed. The old man drowned and went to Heaven. When he got there, he asked the God, "Lord, why didn't you save me?" With a look of disgust, God looked at him and said, "Look I sent you a bus, a boat and a helecopter. What were you waiting for?!?"

17th February 2003, 12:57 PM	#17
Guest Posts: n/a	Why do nuns always walk around in twos? One nun is to see the other nun don't get none! Did you hear about the nymphomaniac that joined the catholic church cus she heard there was a guy hung like this?
Guest Posts: n/a

17th February 2003, 01:13 PM	#18
KillerBob Muse Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Near the Gulf of Yoo-Hoo Posts: 607	Might as well toss in a classic: Q: What kind of meat does a priest eat? A: Nun
	__________________ "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." - Jack Handy

17th February 2003, 01:20 PM	#19
Thanz Fuzzy Thinker Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Centre of the Universe Posts: 3,850	How many athiests does it take to change a light bulb? What lightbulb?
	__________________ "I am totally with Thanz on this one." -- Yahzi

17th February 2003, 01:24 PM	#20
Thanz Fuzzy Thinker Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Centre of the Universe Posts: 3,850	Jesus, on the cross, in his waning moments of life, calls to the crowd below, 'Peter!' The apostle Peter hears the call and moves closer to his liege. 'Yes, my Lord, he says. Jesus calls again, 'Peter!' Peter approaches the base of the cross, 'Yes my Lord, it is Peter, I am here for you what do you need?' Jesus calls, 'Come closer Peter.' Peter is beside himself, wondering what the son of God might have to say to him alone... He climbs the cross. Jesus calls 'Peter, come closer.' Peter replies that he is coming. At last, Peter reaches Jesus on the cross, and says, 'I am here my Lord, what can I do?' Jesus says 'Peter? Peter? Is that you Peter?' 'Yes my Lord, I am here for you.' Jesus says 'Peter, I can see your house from here....'
	__________________ "I am totally with Thanz on this one." -- Yahzi

17th February 2003, 01:41 PM	#21
thaiboxerken Penultimate Amazing Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Portland, Oregon Posts: 21,059	Jesus stepped on a thorn... "GODDAMN IT!" And god did.
	__________________ All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power & profit - Thomas Paine

17th February 2003, 01:44 PM	#22
whitefork None of the above Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: aka kullervo Posts: 2,339	Why can't the Buddha vacuum under his sofa? No attachments. What did the Buddha say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
	__________________ Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies - Nietzsche

17th February 2003, 02:00 PM	#23
Tricky Briefly immortal Moderator Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: The Group W bench Posts: 42,399	Two nuns were walking through Central Park when two burly men grabbed them, drug them into the brush and began to ...uh... assault them. The first nun cried out, "Father forgive him, for he knows not what he does!" The second nun cried out, "Mine does."

17th February 2003, 02:05 PM	#24
Yahzi Master Poster Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: AZ Posts: 2,672	A man is an avid golfer all his life. When he dies and goes to heaven, he is thrilled to find out that it is a billion-hole golf course. As he and St. Peter are playing a round, he sees a golfer in the distance about to attempt an impossible shot across 400 yards of yawning abyss onto a 3 foot green. The man exclaims, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" "He is Jesus," sadly replies St. Peter. "He thinks he's Jack Nicholaus."

18th February 2003, 06:20 AM	#25
Agammamon Graduate Poster Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 1,385	There's a Catholic priest, Protestant preacher , and a Jewish rabbi that decided to get together socially to further enrich their understanding the specifics of each others religion. Every Saturday these three would have a picnic lunch in baot out on a nearby lake. On one of these weekend outings, while the three were out on the lake, the Catholic noticed they were out of mustard. So he hopped over the side of the boat and walked across the lake to the nearby shore, grabbed the condiment from the car and strolled back in. As the priest returns, the Protestant steps out and heads to shore to grab the other bottle of soda they forgot to bring out with them. Well as you can imagine, the rabbi is a little astonished and perplexed at all of this walking on water. Perhaps being a little stunned and not thinking too clearly he declares that they need some more sliced turkey and leaps from the boat and promptly sinks below the surface. At that point the priest looks to the preacher and says "Do you think we should of told him about the rocks?".
	__________________ It will be a great day when the US Air Force has all the bombs it needs and the NEA has to hold a bake sale in order to pay its lobbyists.

18th February 2003, 06:23 AM	#26
whitefork None of the above Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: aka kullervo Posts: 2,339	Rabbi and priest about to cross the street. Rabbi steps off the curb, cab comes by and knock him down. He gets up, dusts himself off and makes what appears to be the sign of the cross. Priest: Jacob, what's with the sign of the cross? Rabbi: No, just taking inventory - spectacles, testicles, fountain pen, wallet.
	__________________ Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies - Nietzsche

18th February 2003, 06:37 AM	#27
Tricky Briefly immortal Moderator Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: The Group W bench Posts: 42,399	God is talking to Adam in the Garden of Eden, God:Adam, I know you are lonely, so I am going to make you a companion. She will be beautiful and loving. She will be your intellectual equal and your sexual ideal. She will take care of you, stand by you, believe in you, and cater to your every need. Adam:Wow! sounds great! How much is this gonna cost me? God:An arm and a leg. Adam: Too expensive. What can I get for a rib?

18th February 2003, 09:10 AM	#28
Dylab Critical Thinker Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 313	I found this on another message board. A guy goes to a zoo and sees a gorilla with two books. The gorilla looks confused. One of the books is the Bible, the other Darwin. The guy asks the gorilla why he looks confused. The gorilla says "I can't figure out if I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother!"
Dylab Critical Thinker Join Date: Nov 2002 Posts: 313

18th February 2003, 09:44 AM	#29
Akots Critical Thinker Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 494	An athiest skeptic is walking along the beach (as atheist skeptics are frequently wont to do) near a vacation resort he's spending the summer at; it's approaching sunset, and he's out enjoying the salty air, and walking over the cool, sea-shell littered sand. Suddenly, and inexplicably, a loud booming voice thunders down from the heavans. "DIG." The man blinks. Knowing he is alone, he wonders if it's his imagination, or if he's suffering from sleep deprivation without realizing it. The voice booms again, louder and angrier. "I SAID DIG!" The man looks around, startled to realize he is the sole target of the voice. Whatever the source, it's very threatening. Fearful of corporeal harm, the man immediately drops to his knees, and starts scooping sand away with his bare hands. After a scant sixty seconds, he notices a hard wooden object. His curiosity piqued, he slowly excavates the object, discovering it to be a large wooden strongbox, with metal bracings and a rusty old padlock. By now, he's almost forgotten about the voice...but it returns, as deapheningly loud as before. "THE ROCK." The man gives a nervous shrug to no-one in particular, grabs a nearby rock, and smashes the ancient, decaying padlock open. "OPEN." Not having to be told twice, the atheist skeptic (still not convinced of any paranormal activity, simply assuming he is either hallucinating, or is somehow suffering a trick from his resoruceful atheist, skeptical compatriots) opens the creaky old chest. Under a layer of fetid water, rotten fungus and decomposing plant matter, the man is rendered speechless at the sight of a massive pile of gold and silver doubloons, cut jewels, and fine jewelry, apparently of spanish origin. The voice booms once more. "ROUTE 87." The man picks up the enormously heavy chest, and manages to lug the strongbox to the roadside. "EAST." By now, the man is far too curious (and to a degree, afraid) to disobey the commanding voice now. He caries the heavy box down the highway, on foot... despite his excellent health and superior physique, the gold is tremendously heavy, and he is soon approaching exhaustion. His clothes are all sweaty and unkempt, and he is covered with sand and dirt from digging, and smells like fetid seawater. By the time he finally reaches the nearest city, it is well past nightfall, and he looks likes a miserable wreck. "TO THE CASINO!" '...okay then!' the man thinks, and wearily heads for the largest, most glamorous casino in town. Surrounded by hob-nobbing millionaires in tuxedos and evening gowns, he rapidly gains the attention of the entire building. "TO THE CASHIER!" This time, when the voice booms down, everybody in the entire building immediately looks up, quite startled and mystified. The man struggles to carry the heavy box the last few feet to the change counter, his last dregs of strength quickly fading. Nobody dares approach him, but every eye in the room is fixed on him, and he is unknowingly the recipient of their undivided attention. He drops the strongbox onto the table. The banker, wide-eyed and astonished, franticaly begins weghing and appraising the huge pile of treasure, and finally gives the ragged looking man a huge pile of chips. "TO THE ROULETTE TABLE!" Everyone lookes up again, startled by the booming voice. By now, everyone in the casino is following the man to the roulette table, their attention completely captivated. He puts the pile of chips on the table. "DOUBLE ZERO!" The man attempts to put the entire pile of chips on double zero; it forms a sizable pile, and the employee at the table eventualy convinces the man to simply write a small check and place it as a placeholder. Everyone in the casino holds their breath as the wheel is spun... nobody can tear their eyes from it. The ball lands on Red 1, missing double zero by only one slot. The voice says "DAMN!"
Akots Critical Thinker Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 494	__________________ I can't drink POSSIBLE beers! I need ACTUAL beers! Damn you, quantum mechanics!

18th February 2003, 10:23 AM	#30
Gregor Critical Thinker Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 355	a priest, a rabbi, and a minister find a stack of gold coins beside the road. They decide they should give some money to the church/synagogue and keep the rest - but they can't decide how to divide it. The minister says "let's draw a circle on the ground, throw the gold coins in the air, what ever lands inside the circle we keep. Outside the circle we give to our churches." The priest says "well, that sounds ok, but how about we throw the coins in the air, and everything that lands in the circle we give to the church and everything outside the circle we keep." The rabbi says "well, that sounds ok to, but how about we throw the coins in the air, and what ever God wants - he keeps."
Gregor Critical Thinker Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 355	__________________ "Just because ignorance is organized and given a name doesn't change the fact that it's make-believe." Lord Kenneth

18th February 2003, 10:24 AM	#31
thaiboxerken Penultimate Amazing Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: Portland, Oregon Posts: 21,059	Two Jewish guys were walking downtown when they come across a sign that is in front of a Catholic church that says: "Conversions garaunteed, $500 rewarded at conversion, $500 if we fail." So one Jew looks at the other and says "Why don't you go in and get the money?" So the other Jew goes into the church. After about 15 minutes, he comes out with a smile on his face. "Well, how did it go?" "I'm saved by Jesus and the Church, and I have $500." So the Jewish fella says, "Well, since it was my idea for you to go in, you should give me half." A scowl comes across the newly converted Catholic's face. "I've been Catholic for 5 minutes and I already hate you *********** Jews."
	__________________ All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power & profit - Thomas Paine

18th February 2003, 10:28 AM	#32
Blue Monk Graduate Poster Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 1,772	Quote: Originally posted by MRC_Hans What do monks get when the laundry machine breaks down? Dirty Habits. Hey, Hey, HEY! Layoff the monk jokes!

18th February 2003, 10:32 AM	#33
Blue Monk Graduate Poster Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 1,772	Q: Why did Jesus cross the road? A: Somebody nailed him to a chicken.

18th February 2003, 10:36 AM	#34
Tricky Briefly immortal Moderator Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: The Group W bench Posts: 42,399	Okay, I just wrote this one. Feel free to improve on it. ****************** Logical Deist: If I flip this coin I say it will land heads up because I am an optimist. Taoist: The two sides of the coin are actually one. Buddhist: Karmicly, you will be able to flip the coin many times. Christian: It depends on whether or not the coin has accepted Jesus. Moslem: If it a good coin, it will land among 43 uncirculated coins of the opposite side. Athiest: Just flip the damn coin and find out.

18th February 2003, 10:46 AM	#35
Upchurch Papa Funkosophy Join Date: May 2002 Location: Funky Town (STL, MO) Posts: 23,472	Quote: Originally posted by Tricky Feel free to improve on it. Matrix: There is no coin.