My experience with god

[Humphreys]

I have gone through some severe changes in the last few years. Here is my story, and my experience with God:

God: Hello my child.

Humphreys: Hello? Who is that?

God: I am your creator. I am God. I haven't been seeing much of you, have I?

Humphreys: Errr, no sorry about that. I have been busy with...thi...

God: Liar. I have been watching you, I am all-knowing, remember? You have some questions for me. Go ahead.

Humphreys: If you really are all-knowing, don't you already kno...

God: Yes. The answer is yes, I do. Now get on with it.

Humphreys: Okay. Do we have free-will?

God: Good question. Yes. I created you, and I have an unimaginable love for my creation. As a display of my love, I have given you free-will. You are free to walk the path of your choosing.

Humphreys: That sounds great, but a little too good to be true. There must be a catch. We really are free to walk any path?

God: Yes, but you must know that only one path leads to me.

Humphreys: What happens if we take that path?

God: Eternal life and happiness.

Humphreys: And the other paths?

God: Eternal suffering.

Humphreys: We are free to make any decisions, but if we make the wrong ones you will punish us for all eternity?

God: Yup.

Humphreys: ...

God: You're lucky. A lot of people don't even know I exist. I am invisible, remember? In fact, anyone who is intellectually honest, emotionally strong and has an inquiring mind will likely come to the conclusion that I don't.

Humphreys: ...

God: I've been creating an awful lot of intelligent, skeptical minds lately...

Humphreys: ...

God: Don't look at me like that. I don't like watching people suffer. You think I enjoy this, don't you?

Humphreys: ...

Humphreys: So...why allow people suffer at all?

God: What is this? A religious lesson for dummies? I thought you knew all this?

Humphreys: Well?

God: It's free-will, innit.

Humphreys: But why create people with very skeptical minds, that are very likely to be unbelievers?

God: It would be pretty boring if everyone was alike, wouldn't it?

Humphreys: But would you at least admit that the most skeptical, logical man alive is very, very unlikely to become a believer, and therefore you - being his creator - should at least share some of the blame?

God: Next question please.

Humphreys: It has been shown that many people act in a certain way due to slightly damaged or abnormal brains. Serial killers for one. These people have very little control over their actions, some even honestly believe that they have committed atrocious acts in your name. A bang to the head can make someone a totally different person. How free are our choices really, when apparently determined completely by our brain created personality?

God: That's the same questi...

Humphreys: Why should anyone have to suffer due to circumstances that are completely under your control?

God: Next...question...please. I won't ask again. You hear those screams coming from below? That's where you're going if you don't move onto the next question. I will punish you for eternity. Just because I love you, doesn't mean I won't put you in excrutiating agony for ever and ever!

Humphreys: Hang-on. This is a dream isn't it? I am delusional. You aren't real.

God: And what makes you say that?

Humphreys: Liv Tyler doesn't really have three breasts. And that unicorn is smoking a pipe. Unicorns don't smoke pipes.

God: Does this mean I won't know you for the rest of your life?

Humphreys: I can't help it. There is no reason for me to believe you exist. This personal experience is just an hallucination and partly a product of my need to believe and feel that there is something else; something more.

God: Look, I know I gave you intelligence and the ability to reason rationally, but these tools are only there to fool you. They are there to make things more difficult. I promise you, if you read the Bible with the belief that it is the word of god, and acknowledge that anything that seems a little ridiculous or clearly false, has simply been interpreted incorrectly, or is all part of a divine plan that we cannot hope to understand, you will become an instant believer.

Humphreys: I have done so. I read the book back when I was a believer. I prayed and was full of faith for years and it brought me nothing. I now see religion for what it really is.

God: You must stop using your faulty human logic to determine truth. I know human logic and reasoning has taken mankind to a great understanding of how the laws of the universe work, and our technological advances have been phenomenal. We even managed to put a man on the moon and eventually we will be able to control the universe, populate other planets, death will be a thing of the past and we will essentially be Gods ourselves. Yes, we have acheived great things, but, you must throw all that away and become brainless in order to see the real truth.

Humphreys: Why do you keep saying 'we'? You are implying that you are human.

God: Just a slip of the tongue.

Humphreys: You act so human. You make mistakes, you have strengths, weaknesses, beliefs and needs just like us.

God: I am perfect. I am nothing like you. How dare you insult your creator in this way?

Humphreys: You are exactly like me, and I am exactly like you. You have nothing over me. We are no different.

God: I created you. I can make you vanish at the click of my fingers.

Humphreys: I can do likewise.

Humphreys: You exist only in my mind. You will be whatever I want you to be. I can make you nice, or evil. I can make you all-powerful, or all-useless. I can make you an elephant with several arms, or a snake, or even a pirate.

Humphreys: I am your god. You didn't create me, I created you.

Humphreys: I don't like what you are. I will destroy you and put you out of my mind forever.

You are gone.

You were a great comfort to me in a very difficult part of my life, but I am past that now.

Imaginary friends are security blankets for the emotionally weak.

Goodbye forever, my friend. I no longer need you.

[Andonyx]

Quote:

Originally posted by Humphreys
Humphreys: Why do you keep saying 'we'? You are implying that you are human.

God: Just a slip of the tongue.

Humphreys: You act so human. You make mistakes, you have strengths, weaknesses, beliefs and needs just like us.

God: I am perfect. I am nothing like you. How dare you insult your creator in this way?

Humphreys: You are exactly like me, and I am exactly like you. You have nothing over me. We are no different.

God: I created you. I can make you vanish at the click of my fingers.

Humphreys: I can do likewise.

Humphreys: You exist only in my mind. You will be whatever I want you to be. I can make you nice, or evil. I can make you all-powerful, or all-useless. I can make you an elephant with several arms, or a snake, or even a pirate.

Humphreys: I am your god. You didn't create me, I created you.

Humphreys: I don't like what you are. I will destroy you and put you out of my mind forever.

You are gone.

I like this part especially. I mean it's all pretty good read, but I find this exchange particularly compelling. What an entertaining read.

[sparklecat]

Not sure about entertaining...

Not really sure how I feel about it... though it was in some ways rather... sad.

[Humphreys]

Quote:

Originally posted by sparklecat
Not sure about entertaining...

Not really sure how I feel about it... though it was in some ways rather... sad.

Don't be sad for me. This was a while ago, and I feel great about it.

I'm happier than I have ever been, believe it or not.

[sparklecat]

*shrugs* The sadness is probably just a result of some projection on my part of my own situation.

I am glad you're happy though...

[frisian]

So you really had God talk to you?

Got proof of this?

[Humphreys]

Quote:

Originally posted by frisian
So you really had God talk to you?

Got proof of this?

Ummm what? Are you joking or did you simply misunderstand my post?

God was in my mind (imagination), so of course I have no proof. I came to the conclusion he didn't exist.

"It is said that men may not be the dreams of the Gods, but rather that the Gods are the dreams of men."
Carl Sagan

[frisian]

God told you to be brainless?

Interesting.

I haven't had such an experience.

Could you speak more to it?

He also told you, you would be tormented eternally?

You have this taped?

[frisian]

Quote:

Originally posted by Humphreys


Ummm what? Are you joking or did you simply misunderstand my post?

God was in my mind (imagination), so of course I have no proof. I came to the conclusion he didn't exist.

Ahh.... you are joking, I see.

Well perhaps that is the problem.

I wouldn't feel too sad for him then Sparklecat. He is just playing mind games.

[frisian]

Is this the imagination area of these boards?

Or was that satire?

[Humphreys]

Quote:

Originally posted by frisian
God told you to be brainless?

Interesting.

I haven't had such an experience.

Could you speak more to it?

He also told you, you would be tormented eternally?

You have this taped?

Ahh I see. Humour? Laugh, snigger, nudge, nudge wink wink saynomore etc.

I get ya!

God told me he would not only torture me eternally, but he would torture me internally too. He said he would remove my internal organs, torture them for a bit, and then put them back.

The proof is in the pudding.

[Humphreys]

Quote:

Originally posted by frisian


Ahh.... you are joking, I see.

Well perhaps that is the problem.

I wouldn't feel too sad for him then Sparklecat. He is just playing mind games.

I don't know what you are talking about, and I don't think you do either. I think you are quite, quite mad, sir.

[frisian]

Quote:

Originally posted by Humphreys


Ahh I see. Humour? Laugh, snigger, nudge, nudge wink wink saynomore etc.

I get ya!

God told me he would not only torture me eternally, but he would torture me internally too. He said he would remove my internal organs, torture them for a bit, and then put them back.

The proof is in the pudding.

I see we aren't talking even subjective reality, we are just drinking early?

Will join you soon then.

I have an endless supply of things that could be attributed to God as I understand him completely.

I even have some torture methods Freya uses, yes hard to believe but true.

[Andonyx]

Quote:

Originally posted by Humphreys




God told me he would not only torture me eternally, but he would torture me internally too. He said he would remove my internal organs, torture them for a bit, and then put them back.

What a cruel and capricious god you imagined. I was lucky. I read nicer bedtime stories, and as a child I imagined a nicer god.

No less fictitious....

But nicer.

[Andonyx]

Quote:

Originally posted by Humphreys


I don't know what you are talking about, and I don't think you do either. I think you are quite, quite mad, sir.

I think it's Pillory affecting a victorian air....

[frisian]

Quote:

Originally posted by Humphreys


I don't know what you are talking about, and I don't think you do either. I think you are quite, quite mad, sir.

Yet I believe I know what you are talking about.



Or what you are asserting.

Not sure you get it though.

Tis fine though.

Better to assume than know, eh?

[sparklecat]

He's not quite mad...

Just being somewhat odd apparently.

On the plus side, my sadness seems to have disappeared during that little... interlude.

[frisian]

Quote:

Originally posted by Andonyx


What a cruel and capricious god you imagined. I was lucky. I read nicer bedtime stories, and as a child I imagined a nicer god.

No less fictitious....

But nicer.

Tell me about them.

This thread has me captivated.

Some true insight here.

[Humphreys]

Quote:

Originally posted by frisian


I see we aren't talking even subjective reality, we are just drinking early?

Will join you soon then.

I have an endless supply of things that could be attributed to God as I understand him completely.

I even have some torture methods Freya uses, yes hard to believe but true.

Nope, still don't have any idea where you are coming from

You are playing mind games with me, right? Either you are playing mind games, or one of us is insane.

I know for a fact I am no longer insane, so this must be your fault.

[frisian]

Quote:

Originally posted by sparklecat
He's not quite mad...

Just being somewhat odd apparently.

On the plus side, my sadness seems to have disappeared during that little... interlude.

Shhhhh....I am trying to stick to the script.

[frisian]

Quote:

Originally posted by Humphreys


Nope, still don't have any idea where you are coming from

You are playing mind games with me, right? Either you are playing mind games, or one of us is insane.

I know for a fact I am no longer insane, so this must be your fault.

Mind games? How would we know someone has won?

You stated through implication this was mere folly, and I decided to join you as I have tired of serious thought.

[sparklecat]

What script?

Are you just trying to get an abnormally high post count within your first week? Leave poor Humphrey's thread alone.

[Humphreys]

Right, that's it. This thread has become far too silly. Someone has to assert some authoity here, and stop this generating into a farce.

I will be that person:

So, what is your position on fishcakes? Pro-choice?

[sparklecat]

Bah, yall deserve each other. See if I pass out anymore sympathy

[Andonyx]

Quote:

Originally posted by sparklecat


On the plus side, my sadness seems to have disappeared during that little... interlude.

Whew, nobody wanted it to come to this:

[frisian]

Poor Humphrey?

I don't even know the lad yet.

[Humphreys]

What on earth happened to my thread?

[sparklecat]

Quote:

Originally posted by Andonyx


Whew, nobody wanted it to come to this:

LOL... lovely job there.


Humphreys- frisian happened. I apologize to everyone for ever showing him the site

[frisian]

Quote:

Originally posted by Humphreys
Right, that's it. This thread has become far too silly. Someone has to assert some authoity here, and stop this generating into a farce.

I will be that person:

So, what is your position on fishcakes? Pro-choice?

I believe one should have the choice to have them with potatoes.

[frisian]

Quote:

Originally posted by Humphreys
What on earth happened to my thread?

Look at the OP.

[frisian]

From what I gathered from the OP, you are the creator of this thread. Thus you are responsible for what occurs.

[lifegazer]

I have no idea whether you guys know this, but that was exceptionally funny. Thankyou.

[Dancing David]

the lastv tiem i talked to god it was sort of entertaining but he was drunk and threw up all over my shoes...turned them to gold he did, bet you didn't know that huh, god's vomit turns things to gold.

[frisian]

Quote:

Originally posted by Dancing David
the lastv tiem i talked to god it was sort of entertaining but he was drunk and threw up all over my shoes...turned them to gold he did, bet you didn't know that huh, god's vomit turns things to gold.

Good lord, what did you do to him?

[Humphreys]

Quote:

Originally posted by Dancing David
the lastv tiem i talked to god it was sort of entertaining but he was drunk and threw up all over my shoes...turned them to gold he did, bet you didn't know that huh, god's vomit turns things to gold.

No, no, no. That was Bob. Your friend Bob was sick on your shoes.

Remember?

Ahh you must remember. Bob was sick on your shoes, and you was like: "Well jeez Bob, my shoes are ruined, I hope you are going to buy me new shoes Bob. My shoes have turned orange Bob.' And Bob was real drunk and he was like:

"David, hic, you are my bets..betsst..bestest friend in the world.I'll make sure you get new shoes Dave,. I'll get you the bets..betsst..bestest damn shoes in the world!".

You must remember. Surely?

[Humphreys]

Sod it. I'm not even going to try to rescue this thread now.

It's all very silly. Sigh.

[hammegk]

Perhaps the Devil made you do it?

[RussDill]

Quote:

Originally posted by sparklecat
Not sure about entertaining...

Not really sure how I feel about it... though it was in some ways rather... sad.

Reminds me a lot of "Drop Dead Fred"

[Schizobunny]

Humphry, why were you talking to me?

[frisian]

Quote:

Originally posted by Schizobunny
Humphry, why were you talking to me?

Must have been your confused hair.