What Happens When we Die? And other kid questions.

shawmutt · 18th November 2009, 07:32 AM

For my son's 1st birthday I put a fishtank in his room, and part of his nightly routine for the last year or so is feeding the fish before bed. Well, at some point yesterday the friggin' heater malfunctioned, so we had the joy of going to feed the fish and finding an unpleasant surprise. The whole tankful of fish were literally cooked and floating. He said "uh oh, fishies died!"

He also gets teary eyed when watching the beginning of Finding Nemo.

Now he's a pretty smart cookie (cognitive bias kicking in

) and I'm not looking forward to him putting two and two together about death. I'm at a point where I'm pretty much atheist, and while I see Santa Clause as a good exercise in critical thinking, I don't want to lie to him about death. I was raised with the people go to Heaven/Hell routine, and want something better for my kids.

So how do you parents handle the big questions?

Hux · 18th November 2009, 07:39 AM

When i was little I worried (I cried) that my mam and Dad would die. I already felt orphaned and desolate. My Mum told me that in all likelihood, I would be a grown man with a family of my own to look after and that when the time came, it would be upsetting but that nature would give me the strength to carry on looking after my family. It would not hurt as much as I thought it would.

Then I worried about death. She said, do you remember what happened before you were born? I of course thought it was a silly question but it did eventually dawn on me. From then on I did not fear death but it is of some interest to me on the nature of my going.

Family pets are a great way to broach the subject and you can do it in awesome ways without recourse to silly unsupported ideas. The notion that my physical bits will eventually return to the Universe in one way or another is and always was an awesome idea to me.

maddog · 18th November 2009, 07:56 AM

We had a family friend die recently, and at the wake, the MadPuppy (now 4) wanted to go see. So I went with him up to the coffin, I knelt on the kneeler next to him (standing), looking in at the body of Ms. Jo. He was curious, and looking intently. I told him about some of the great things she had done, and what a loving person she was, and how I want to be more like her in some specific ways -- and that that is how we keep alive the memory of someone special.

He hugged me, then we went back to the lobby, and he squirted hand sanitizer in his brother's hair.

CurtC · 18th November 2009, 08:07 AM

Originally Posted by shawmutt

Now he's a pretty smart cookie (cognitive bias kicking in

) and I'm not looking forward to him putting two and two together about death.

It's not a problem - kids see things die all the time. It's only a problem if someone else fills his head with ideas that there is life after death, then you have to fix what someone else has messed up.

Quote:

I'm at a point where I'm pretty much atheist, and while I see Santa Clause as a good exercise in critical thinking...

Nitpick - The Santa Clause was a movie about Santa Claus.

laca · 18th November 2009, 08:21 AM

My 4 year old started to come home from kindergarten with phrases like "Santa's watching, better be good" etc. I myself find it disgusting to screw kids over like this, so I tried to explain to him that Santa is just a man like us who dresses in red, puts on the white beard and brings presents. He doesn't have time to go around spying on kids, he just puts the dress on for those couple of days. But he's jolly, fun and does bring presents

He wasn't bummed at all, seemed to get it at first, but after a few minutes switched back to the spy Santa. I guess I'll have to counter some minor indoctrination after all

Paul C. Anagnostopoulos · 18th November 2009, 08:39 AM

We told our kids that when people die they are just dead. What lives on is our memories of them.

~~ Paul

Aurelian · 18th November 2009, 08:44 AM

Death is part of life, so it's part of the spectrum of what we talk about with the kids. With the little ones - there are dead deer on the side of the road (they forgot to look both ways) and other opportunities for questions which bring up the conversation. The only thing conversing about death at this age does is bring up "death" in pretend play. It's a new state of being to some kids. There are lots of emotions with death and the grieving process, because we will miss those we love, including pets, and remember them fondly. Pet funerals are a great conversation starter. Best wishes,

A.

18th November 2009, 07:32 AM	#1
shawmutt Squirrel Murderer Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: Greencastle, PA Posts: 1,209	What Happens When we Die? And other kid questions. For my son's 1st birthday I put a fishtank in his room, and part of his nightly routine for the last year or so is feeding the fish before bed. Well, at some point yesterday the friggin' heater malfunctioned, so we had the joy of going to feed the fish and finding an unpleasant surprise. The whole tankful of fish were literally cooked and floating. He said "uh oh, fishies died!" He also gets teary eyed when watching the beginning of Finding Nemo. Now he's a pretty smart cookie (cognitive bias kicking in ) and I'm not looking forward to him putting two and two together about death. I'm at a point where I'm pretty much atheist, and while I see Santa Clause as a good exercise in critical thinking, I don't want to lie to him about death. I was raised with the people go to Heaven/Hell routine, and want something better for my kids. So how do you parents handle the big questions?

18th November 2009, 07:39 AM	#2
Hux Graduate Poster Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 1,064	When i was little I worried (I cried) that my mam and Dad would die. I already felt orphaned and desolate. My Mum told me that in all likelihood, I would be a grown man with a family of my own to look after and that when the time came, it would be upsetting but that nature would give me the strength to carry on looking after my family. It would not hurt as much as I thought it would. Then I worried about death. She said, do you remember what happened before you were born? I of course thought it was a silly question but it did eventually dawn on me. From then on I did not fear death but it is of some interest to me on the nature of my going. Family pets are a great way to broach the subject and you can do it in awesome ways without recourse to silly unsupported ideas. The notion that my physical bits will eventually return to the Universe in one way or another is and always was an awesome idea to me.
Hux Graduate Poster Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 1,064	__________________ *...people of faith who are that intelligent they've only managed to fool themselves* - MARDUK

18th November 2009, 07:56 AM	#3
maddog Intimidating Terrapin Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: The People's Republic of Maryland Posts: 5,991	We had a family friend die recently, and at the wake, the MadPuppy (now 4) wanted to go see. So I went with him up to the coffin, I knelt on the kneeler next to him (standing), looking in at the body of Ms. Jo. He was curious, and looking intently. I told him about some of the great things she had done, and what a loving person she was, and how I want to be more like her in some specific ways -- and that that is how we keep alive the memory of someone special. He hugged me, then we went back to the lobby, and he squirted hand sanitizer in his brother's hair.
	__________________ Sure, I know people who don't like baseball, but I don't trust 'em. - A Maddog original I'm a JREF Folder - you should be, too! 90% of what I say is meant to be funny, and the other half doesn't mean anything at all. - Another Maddog original

18th November 2009, 08:07 AM	#4
CurtC Illuminator Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 4,248	Originally Posted by shawmutt Now he's a pretty smart cookie (cognitive bias kicking in ) and I'm not looking forward to him putting two and two together about death. It's not a problem - kids see things die all the time. It's only a problem if someone else fills his head with ideas that there is life after death, then you have to fix what someone else has messed up. Quote: I'm at a point where I'm pretty much atheist, and while I see Santa Clause as a good exercise in critical thinking... Nitpick - The Santa Clause was a movie about Santa Claus.
	__________________ Is there a God? Find the answer at The Official God FAQ.

18th November 2009, 08:21 AM	#5
laca Muse Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 739	My 4 year old started to come home from kindergarten with phrases like "Santa's watching, better be good" etc. I myself find it disgusting to screw kids over like this, so I tried to explain to him that Santa is just a man like us who dresses in red, puts on the white beard and brings presents. He doesn't have time to go around spying on kids, he just puts the dress on for those couple of days. But he's jolly, fun and does bring presents He wasn't bummed at all, seemed to get it at first, but after a few minutes switched back to the spy Santa. I guess I'll have to counter some minor indoctrination after all
laca Muse Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 739

18th November 2009, 08:39 AM	#6
Paul C. Anagnostopoulos Looking for Fountain of Smart Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: a little toolshed Posts: 17,157	We told our kids that when people die they are just dead. What lives on is our memories of them. ~~ Paul
	__________________ Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. ---Susan Ertz pi = 3.1415926...19729715941700531415926095214704122509...

18th November 2009, 08:44 AM	#7
Aurelian Tire Kicker Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Left Field Posts: 395	Death is part of life, so it's part of the spectrum of what we talk about with the kids. With the little ones - there are dead deer on the side of the road (they forgot to look both ways) and other opportunities for questions which bring up the conversation. The only thing conversing about death at this age does is bring up "death" in pretend play. It's a new state of being to some kids. There are lots of emotions with death and the grieving process, because we will miss those we love, including pets, and remember them fondly. Pet funerals are a great conversation starter. Best wishes, A.