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boooeee · 5th January 2004, 12:38 PM

Not sure if this belongs in "Literature and the Arts", or "Humor", but I thought I'd share a little known gem from Mark Twain. You may not be familiar with the term "onanism", but I think you can figure it out its maening from the context. This is the transcript of a speech Mark Twain gave to The Stomach Club in Paris.

I don't think this is copyrighted, but if this post violates forum rules, I can post a link.

Quote:

MY GIFTED PREDECESSOR HAS WARNED you against the "social evil --- adultery." In his able paper he exhausted that subject; he left absolutely nothing more to be said on it. But I will continue his good work in the cause of morality by cautioning you against that species of recreation called self-abuse to which I perceive you are much addicted. All great writers on health and morals, both ancient and modern, have struggled with this stately subject; this shows its dignity and importance. Some of these writers have taken one side, some the other.

Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine enthusiasm, "Give me masturbation or give me death." Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, "To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion." In another place this experienced observer has said, "There are times when I prefer it to sodomy."

Robinson Crusoe says, "I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art." Queen Elizabeth said, "It is the bulwark of virginity." Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, "A jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush." The immortal Franklin has said, "Masturbation is the best policy."

Michelangelo and all of the other old masters--"old masters," I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction --- have used similar language. Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, "Self-negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and tame compared with self-abuse." Mr. Brown, here, in one of his latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in an eloquent line which is destined to live to the end of time--"None knows it but to love it; none name it but to praise."

Such are the utterances of the most illustrious of the masters of this renowned science, and apologists for it. The name of those who decry it and oppose it is legion; they have made strong arguments and uttered bitter speeches against it --- but there is not room to repeat them here in much detail. Brigham Young, an expert of incontestable authority, said, "As compared with the other thing, it is the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning." Solomon said, "There is nothing to recommend it but its cheapness." Galen said, "It is shameful to degrade to such bestial uses that grand limb, that formidable member, which we votaries of Science dub the Major Maxillary --- when they dub it at all --- which is seldom, It would be better to amputate the os frontis than to put it to such use."

The great statistician Smith, in his report to Parliament, says, "In my opinion, more children have been wasted in this way than any other." It cannot be denied that the high antiquity of this art entitles it to our respect; but at the same time, I think its harmfulness demands our condemnation. Mr. Darwin was grieved to feel obliged to give up his theory that the monkey was the connecting link between man and the lower animals. I think he was too hasty. The monkey is the only animal, except man, that practices this science; hence, he is our brother; there is a bond of sympathy and relationship between us. Give this ingenuous animal an audience of the proper kind and he will straightway put aside his other affairs and take a whet; and you will see by his contortions and his ecstatic expression that he takes an intelligent and human interest in his performance.

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: a disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke and tell indelicate stories--and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures. The results of the habit are: loss of memory, loss of virility, loss of cheerfulness and loss of progeny.

Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most cultured society it has long been banished from the social board. It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence. Among the best bred, these two arts are now indulged only in private --- though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the fundamental sigh.

My illustrious predecessor has taught you that all forms of the "social evil" are bad. I would teach you that some of these forms are more to be avoided than others. So, in concluding, I say, "If you must gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much." When you feel a revolutionary uprising in your system, get your Vendome Column down some other way --- don't jerk it down.

sorgoth · 5th January 2004, 01:53 PM

Heh...That's pretty funny.

Jeff Corey · 5th January 2004, 06:40 PM

Years ago, someone changed the local movie marque from Conan The Barbarian to Onan The Barbarian.
Why did they do that?
Beats me.

Mr Manifesto · 6th January 2004, 03:56 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Jeff Corey
Years ago, someone changed the local movie marque from Conan The Barbarian to Onan The Barbarian.
Why did they do that?
Beats me.

Obviously, there's a letter shortage. It would explain why you left an 'e' off 'marquee'.

Jeff Corey · 6th January 2004, 05:44 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Mr Manifesto

Obviously, there's a letter shortage. It would explain why you left an 'e' off 'marquee'.

Sorry, I don't know why I did that. Maybe I was thinking of the Marquee De Sade.
Beats me.

phildonnia · 6th January 2004, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Jeff Corey

Sorry, I don't know why I did that. Maybe I was thinking of the Marquee De Sade.
Beats me.

Now you're just being a jerk. Someone stop this thread so I can get off.

shemp · 6th January 2004, 05:48 PM

Cum on, stop it! Go have some jerked chicken.

Underemployed · 7th January 2004, 12:22 AM

Obviously the letter was missing because someone needed to pull one off.

Tricky · 7th January 2004, 07:52 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by shemp
Cum on, stop it! Go have some jerked chicken.

Or perhaps a nice Kumquat.

scribble · 7th January 2004, 01:11 PM

You jest, but I'm a firm supporter of the practice.

5th January 2004, 12:38 PM	#1
boooeee Dart Fener Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: The Lando System Posts: 2,403	The Science of Onanism Not sure if this belongs in "Literature and the Arts", or "Humor", but I thought I'd share a little known gem from Mark Twain. You may not be familiar with the term "onanism", but I think you can figure it out its maening from the context. This is the transcript of a speech Mark Twain gave to The Stomach Club in Paris. I don't think this is copyrighted, but if this post violates forum rules, I can post a link. Quote: MY GIFTED PREDECESSOR HAS WARNED you against the "social evil --- adultery." In his able paper he exhausted that subject; he left absolutely nothing more to be said on it. But I will continue his good work in the cause of morality by cautioning you against that species of recreation called self-abuse to which I perceive you are much addicted. All great writers on health and morals, both ancient and modern, have struggled with this stately subject; this shows its dignity and importance. Some of these writers have taken one side, some the other. Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine enthusiasm, "Give me masturbation or give me death." Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, "To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion." In another place this experienced observer has said, "There are times when I prefer it to sodomy." Robinson Crusoe says, "I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art." Queen Elizabeth said, "It is the bulwark of virginity." Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, "A jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush." The immortal Franklin has said, "Masturbation is the best policy." Michelangelo and all of the other old masters--"old masters," I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction --- have used similar language. Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, "Self-negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and tame compared with self-abuse." Mr. Brown, here, in one of his latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in an eloquent line which is destined to live to the end of time--"None knows it but to love it; none name it but to praise." Such are the utterances of the most illustrious of the masters of this renowned science, and apologists for it. The name of those who decry it and oppose it is legion; they have made strong arguments and uttered bitter speeches against it --- but there is not room to repeat them here in much detail. Brigham Young, an expert of incontestable authority, said, "As compared with the other thing, it is the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning." Solomon said, "There is nothing to recommend it but its cheapness." Galen said, "It is shameful to degrade to such bestial uses that grand limb, that formidable member, which we votaries of Science dub the Major Maxillary --- when they dub it at all --- which is seldom, It would be better to amputate the os frontis than to put it to such use." The great statistician Smith, in his report to Parliament, says, "In my opinion, more children have been wasted in this way than any other." It cannot be denied that the high antiquity of this art entitles it to our respect; but at the same time, I think its harmfulness demands our condemnation. Mr. Darwin was grieved to feel obliged to give up his theory that the monkey was the connecting link between man and the lower animals. I think he was too hasty. The monkey is the only animal, except man, that practices this science; hence, he is our brother; there is a bond of sympathy and relationship between us. Give this ingenuous animal an audience of the proper kind and he will straightway put aside his other affairs and take a whet; and you will see by his contortions and his ecstatic expression that he takes an intelligent and human interest in his performance. The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: a disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke and tell indelicate stories--and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures. The results of the habit are: loss of memory, loss of virility, loss of cheerfulness and loss of progeny. Of all the various kinds of sexual intercourse, this has the least to recommend it. As an amusement, it is too fleeting; as an occupation, it is too wearing; as a public exhibition, there is no money in it. It is unsuited to the drawing room, and in the most cultured society it has long been banished from the social board. It has at last, in our day of progress and improvement, been degraded to brotherhood with flatulence. Among the best bred, these two arts are now indulged only in private --- though by consent of the whole company, when only males are present, it is still permissible, in good society, to remove the embargo on the fundamental sigh. My illustrious predecessor has taught you that all forms of the "social evil" are bad. I would teach you that some of these forms are more to be avoided than others. So, in concluding, I say, "If you must gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much." When you feel a revolutionary uprising in your system, get your Vendome Column down some other way --- don't jerk it down.
	__________________ my nerdy sports blog: betting market analytics

5th January 2004, 01:53 PM	#2
sorgoth Muse Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 977	Heh...That's pretty funny.
sorgoth Muse Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 977	__________________ L'univers et moi, nous sommes seuls ensemble.

6th January 2004, 05:48 PM	#7
shemp Timothy, Timothy, where on earth did you go? Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: trapped in a cave-in with Joe Posts: 12,968	Cum on, stop it! Go have some jerked chicken.
	__________________ Church on Sunday, sleep and nod Tryin' to duck the wrath of God Preacher's fillin' us with fright Tryin' to tell us what he thinks is right He really got to be some kind of nut (I can't use it!) Tryin' to make it real - compared to what?

7th January 2004, 12:22 AM	#8
Underemployed Muse Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 764	Obviously the letter was missing because someone needed to pull one off.
Underemployed Muse Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 764	__________________ There is no punchy, conclusive final sentence for this post.

7th January 2004, 01:11 PM	#10
scribble Master Poster Join Date: Nov 2001 Posts: 2,696	You jest, but I'm a firm supporter of the practice.
scribble Master Poster Join Date: Nov 2001 Posts: 2,696	__________________ "Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true." - Homer Simpson "I was thinking about painting my house, but I was worried about how well the latex paint we bought would bond to the existing siding. So I got on the Interweb and searched for latex bondage."

5th January 2004, 06:40 PM	#3
Jeff Corey New York Skeptic Join Date: Aug 2001 Posts: 13,797	Years ago, someone changed the local movie marque from Conan The Barbarian to Onan The Barbarian. Why did they do that? Beats me.

6th January 2004, 03:56 AM	#4
Mr Manifesto Hierophant Walrus of the Secret Clique Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 4,824	Quote: Originally posted by Jeff Corey Years ago, someone changed the local movie marque from Conan The Barbarian to Onan The Barbarian. Why did they do that? Beats me. Obviously, there's a letter shortage. It would explain why you left an 'e' off 'marquee'.

6th January 2004, 05:44 AM	#5
Jeff Corey New York Skeptic Join Date: Aug 2001 Posts: 13,797	Quote: Originally posted by Mr Manifesto Obviously, there's a letter shortage. It would explain why you left an 'e' off 'marquee'. Sorry, I don't know why I did that. Maybe I was thinking of the Marquee De Sade. Beats me.

6th January 2004, 05:29 PM	#6
phildonnia Master Poster Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Sac'to CA Posts: 2,339	Quote: Originally posted by Jeff Corey Sorry, I don't know why I did that. Maybe I was thinking of the Marquee De Sade. Beats me. Now you're just being a jerk. Someone stop this thread so I can get off.

7th January 2004, 07:52 AM	#9
Tricky Briefly immortal Moderator Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: The Group W bench Posts: 42,404	Quote: Originally posted by shemp Cum on, stop it! Go have some jerked chicken. Or perhaps a nice Kumquat.