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|27th January 2011, 06:47 AM||#1|
Join Date: Jun 2010
Derealization, disassociative states
Since I was very little I would sometimes get this sensation I was unable to describe. Around when I was 12 years old I had a medical procedure where they sedated me enough to stick a camera down my throat on a tube to check my stomach and bowels for inflammation. I was told I would be half asleep and not remember any of it, but I would be aware enough to respond to their instructions during the procedure. Ever since then, it's like I've gotten these weird flash backs that remind me of the moments when I was regaining consciousness from that procedure. I never knew how to describe it, I would describe the sensation almost of a wheel turning, and the wheel was my consciousness, and something feels off about the rate it is turning. Like the frame rate of reality is off kilter and my thoughts seemed to be disconnected in time with my voice and the people around me.
Being on long drives on the highway would sometimes trigger it, the wheels turning on the car for instance, or if I started to contemplate existential concepts like "why is there a now?" and "what if nothing ever happened as opposed to something?"
It was a very generalized and arbitrary experience I could never really put into words to complain about.
I've also had issues with depression and anxiety/panic attacks since i was a small child, which I've learned recently are connected with this.
The most severe episode of derealization I've had was in high school after a very strange one on one conversation with my principal. He thought I was high on cannabis and called me to his office, one thing led to another, and we ended up having a very candid conversation about an event with a friend of mine who died that year and the friend's parents who were trying to blame the school in part and publicizing the event in the media.
The principal went from accusing me of being stoned, to finally addressing me as an equal and confiding in me all manner of opinions about these parents and the issues plaguing the school at the time. While I wasn't high on anything at the time, I was unusually panicked about it for some reason and ended up acting incredibly charismatic and confident, as if I was assuming another character to talk to the principal, almost an ideal self.
The strange thing was how powerful I felt at the time, almost god like, as if I could have gotten the principal of the high school to do anything I wanted by the end of the conversation.
After he let me go back to class, I suddenly felt in shock at what had just happened. We had talked for probably three hours that morning, and the principal had confided in me in things that were just bazaar compared to the relationship we'd had the prior three years of my schooling there.
As I went back to class, I couldn't shake this feeling, and suddenly I felt like I was tripping on LSD or something. I could not explain it at the time. I thought it was a flashback or something, and it seemed connected to the "act" I pulled that morning, as if my identity was all messed up at a rudimentary level of consciousness.
I actually went to the nurses office and told them I felt like I was on drugs, which I knew was going to be a "smack in the face" to the principal I had just talked to for hours, but I was beginning to panic and did not know what to do.
I called my mother and was picked up, where my therapist at the time called in a prescription of xanax which soon had the whole episode under control.
It's only now, years later, that I've learned what these sensations are after reading about mental health and altered states on the internet.
Anyways, I felt compelled to write this topic because I've been experiencing a powerful derealization upon getting out of the bath or shower lately. It seems connected to getting water in my ears.
I was actually experiencing the state as I began typing this, and it's gone now that I've dried off for the most part. And the pressure in my ears is back to normal.
Has anyone ever heard of a state of derealization connected with the inner ear or getting water in the ear canal?