Bad Jesus Jokes

Jesus and Moses were sitting on a bench in heaven, remembering the good old days. They talked about what they used to be able to do and wondered if they still had their old tricks in them.
So, they decided to go see if they still had extra-wordly powers like they had so many years before. The pair went to the Red Sea and Moses raised his hands and parted the sea just like he had when he was much much younger.
Jesus, clearly amazed, asked Moses, "There's so much that I did, but what could I do now to see if I still have the power?"
"Walk on water like the good old days," replied Moses.
So Jesus kicked off his sandals and stepped into the water. He took three steps on the surface and then sank under the murky waters of the Red Sea. Dumbfounded, he looked at Moses and wondered what was the matter.
"Must be those damn holes in your feet," Moses responded.



Jesus, Moses and Paul were playing golf, and Jesus found himself in a sand trap.He looked at the position of the ball, and decided to use a nine-iron.Moses quickly rebuked Jesus and said "What the heck are you doing? If you use a nine-iron, you're going to land that ball in the drink!"

Jesus answered "No, no, I saw Jack Nicholas do this on T.V. the other day.I'm sure I can do this." Well, he hit the ball, and right on with Moses' prediction, the ball landed in the lake; so Moses parted the water so Jesus could get the ball.When Jesus insisted trying from the same spot again with a nine-iron, Moses repeated his objection, but Jesus again replied "I saw Jack Nicholas do this on T.V." Again, the ball landed in the drink, again Moses parted the water for Jesus to go get the ball.

When Jesus insisted on one more try, Moses retorted "O.K. smarty, but WHEN it lands in the water, I'm not parting it this time!" To this Jesus replied "I saw Jack do this on T.V.", and again, the ball landed in the drink. Moses, true to his word refused to part the water, so Jesus walked out on the water to try and find his ball. A couple of guys walked up and saw a man walking on water, and turned to Moses asking "who is this guy, Jesus Christ?", to which Moses snaps "Yeah, but he thinks he's Jack Nicholas."

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang a painting!


Jesus walks into motel and throws three nails on the counter and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"

[Lord Kenneth]

Why did Jesus cross the road? He saw some small young prepubescent boys,

[Shroud of Akron]

what do jesus and sex have in common?

the second coming!


why can't jesus eat m&m's?

they fall through the holes in his hands!

[neutrino_cannon]

Jesus walks into a bar, and orders some holy spirit.

Ok, that was bad, but better than DarK Cobra's.

Why did Jesus drag a cross across the road?

Because he was nailed to it.


(Hold hand in front of face and make biting motion) What's this?

Jesus biting his nails.


Jesus and Satan had a programming contest. Satan knew he was going to kick Jesus's ass, but at the last minute the power blacked out and he lost all his work. God judged the results, and Jesus's program clearly won over Satan's last-minute "Hello World".

"It's no fair, the power went out! Why's he still have his work?", raged Satan.

"Jesus saves."

[Jethro]

So the Catholic church has just started to embrace instant messaging. Well, one day a priest looks out the window of the rectory and he sees Jesus himself coming down the driveway. Well, the priest fires off an IM to the Bishop explaining that the lord has returned and asking for guidance. The Bishop replies with the Pope's screenname, d4 \/4+i(4|\|, saying he should send his question right to the top. Well, the priest sends an IM explaining the situation to the Pope. After a few minutes the Pope replies with "Look busy"

[Jethro]

Quote:

Originally posted by Dark Cobra
Why did Jesus cross the road? He saw some small young prepubescent boys,

Did you grow up Catholic in Boston or something?

[BillyJoe]

Jesus, I love those jokes.

Why didn't Jesus replace the stone from the tomb when he rose from the dead?

Well, he was born in a barn.


What did Jesus say as he was being crucified?

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh...!"



What did Jesus say when he was up on the cross?

"This was one Hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation."



GOD'S EMAIL
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good." God said this was not good.

So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that e-mail said?

---

---

---

---

Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer.



Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.

He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.

He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.



Why is Jesus lucky?
a. He got nailed three times in one night


What's the difference between a porn star and Jesus?
a. Jesus only came twice


Why is Jesus unlucky?
a. He got nailed three times in one night...by guys!



What's the difference between yo momma and Jesus?
a. Jesus doesn't give handjobs behind the Circle K every night!

[thatguywhojuggles]

My favorite Easter joke:

Three Japanese men die in a horrible bus accident and go to the gates of heaven. St. Peter stops them at the gate and says, "I'm sorry boys, but you can't come in. Didn't you see the sign on the way up that reads 'Christians Only'? We don't accept buddist, or whatever the heck you guys are."

Hearing this news, the three Japanese men are distraught. Their whole lives they have lived as good, loving, honest men. They have always given to charity, and never broken a single law. Explaining this to St. Peter, St. Peter starts to feel bad about sending them to hell. So St. Peter says to them, "Hold on a second, let me look in the BIG manual, and see if there is some way I can work the system and get you guys in."

After several minutes of browsing the big dusty book, St. Peter puts the book down, smiling, "I have found a way to sneak you into heaven. All I have to do is ask you one question. If you get the one question correct, you will get to go into heaven. Granted you won't be living with the Southern Baptists or anything, you will be living in the projects, but the important thing is you will be inside the gates."

Excited about not going to Hell, the three Japanese men agree to the test.

Calling over the first Japanese man, St. Peter says to him, "Okay, here is your question. It's an easy question, you should have no problem answering it, and you will be able to go right into heaven. Here is your question. What is Easter?"

The first Japanese man, looking slightly confused, in a heavy accent replies, "Ahhh... Easter... Easter is American holiday. Fat man in red suit comes down chimney, give toys to all boys and girls... everyone happy!"

Looking annoyed at the man, St. Peter pulls a lever opening a trap door and the first Japanese man falls down to Hell.

Calling over the second Japanese man, who looks a bit nervous having seen his friend fall down to Hell. "Okay, I'm going to ask you the same question I asked your friend. It's not a hard question, but your friend was an idiot. Here is your question. What is Easter?"

Stroking his chin for a few seconds, and thinking about the question, he slowly responds in a thick accent, "Easter is American holiday... family get together eat turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce, everyone fat and happy."

Looking annoyed at the man, St. Peter pulls a lever opening a trap door and the second Japanese man falls down to Hell.

St. Peter then calls the third Japanese man over, who is just about to pee in his pants from fear of going to Hell. "All you have to do is answer this ONE simple question, and you can go into Heaven. What is Easter."

Hearing the question, the third Japanese gets a huge, confident smile on his face, and in a thick accent he replies, "Ahh... Easter celebrate Jesus Christ die on cross."

"Yes... go on." Says St. Peter.

"They take him down from cross, and put Jesus in big cave.... cover cave with big rock."

"That's right... go on!" Says St. Peter, excitedly.

"Jesus there for three days"

"Go on!"

"After three days, Jesus stand up, move big rock to the side, come out, and look for shadow!"

[rustypouch]

Why was the blonde interested in meeting Jesus?

Because she heard he was hung (outstretch arms) like this.


(edited to delete redundant joke)

I don't know any good jokes like everyone else. But I do remember a Sam Kinison routine about the crucifiction. Sam talking like he was at the bottom of the cross at calvary "It's such a shame that our lord Jesus has to die for our sins " Sam talking, yelling like he's Jesus " WELL MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO DIE IF SOMEONE HAD A LADDER AND A HAMMER TO GET ME OFF OF THIS THING!"

[Dancing David]

...'back before Jesus was a spark in a dove's eye'...

Jesus is talking to the crowd about forgiveness and says 'Let ye who is without sin cast the first stone.", this little old lady totters up under a heavy rock and throws it.
Jesus says "Gee mom I hate it when you do that!"

Jesus is hanging on the cross and looks down upon his beloved disciple James, he whispers "Come here, I gotta tella ya something", James approaches the cross and gets beat up by the Roman soldiers.
Jesus again askes James"Come here, I gotta tell ya something." James endures much abuse at the hands of the gaurds but eventually climbs the cross with just his teeth, since his arms and legs are cut off.
James mumbles with the cross in his mouth ,"Yes Lord what did you want to tell me?"
"James, I can see your house from up here."

Peace
dancing David