My rant against Jesus Christ!

[shemp]

Jesus Christ has had his say, and this is mine. To plunge right into it, I believe in "live and let live". Christ, in contrast, demands not only tolerance and acceptance of his half-measures but endorsement of them. It's because of such audacious demands that I, for one, maintain that he somehow manages to maintain a straight face when saying that mediocrity is a worthwhile goal. I am greatly grieved by this occurrence of falsehood and fantastic storytelling which is the resultant of layers of social dishevelment and disillusionment amongst the fine citizens of a once organized, motivated, and cognitively enlightened civilization. You may be wondering why sexist perverts latch onto his artifices. It's because people of that nature need to have rhetoric and dogma to recite during times of stress in order to cope. That's also why Christ is like a giant octopus sprawling its slimy length over city, state, and nation. Like the octopus of real life, he operates under cover of self-created screen. Christ seizes in his long and powerful tentacles our executive officers, our legislative bodies, our schools, our courts, our newspapers, and every agency created for the public protection. To pick an obvious, but often overlooked, example, if we take his theories to their logical conclusion, we see that sooner or later, he will ignore compromise and focus solely on his personal agenda. What do we owe Christ? Nothing, absolutely nothing. If he claims otherwise, we have to stand firm and point out that Christ likes thinking thoughts that aren't burdensome and that feel good. That's why his homilies symbolize lawlessness, violence, and misguided rebellion -- extreme liberty for a few, even if the rest of us lose more than a little freedom.

Christ's mercenaries all have serious personal problems. In fact, the way he keeps them loyal to him is by encouraging and exacerbating these problems rather than by helping to overcome them. Now I certainly do not want to sound discouraging, but Christ's apostles believe that cultural tradition has never contributed a single thing to the advancement of knowledge or understanding. It should not be surprising that they believe this, however. As we all know, minds that have been so maimed that they believe that if Christ kicks us in the teeth, we'll then lick his toes and beg for another kick can believe anything, especially if it's false.

If we look beyond Christ's delusions of grandeur, we see that he is known for walking into crowded rooms and telling everyone there that the Earth is flat. Try, if you can, to concoct a statement better calculated to show how perverted Christ is. You can't do it. Not only that, but his legates' thinking is fenced in by many constraints. Their minds are not free because they dare not be. Well, let's get our facts straight. If you've never seen Christ usher in the beginning of an imprudent new era of irrationalism, you're either incredibly unobservant or are concealing the truth from yourself. It would be nice to say that froward interventionism doesn't exist anymore, but we all know that it does. Are his sermons good for the country? The nation's suicide statistics, drug statistics, crime statistics, divorce statistics, and mental illness statistics give us part of the answer. These statistics should make it clear that Christ's inerudite dream is starting to come true. Liberties are being killed by attrition. Propagandism is being installed by accretion. The only way that we can reverse these boisterous trends is to discuss the programmatic foundations of Christ's uppity, ugly propositions in detail. To be precise, most people don't realize that he has already revealed his plans to extinguish the voices of opposition. He revealed these plans in a manifesto bearing all of the hallmarks of having been written by a picayunish demoniac. Not only is his manifesto entirely lacking in logic, relentlessly subjective, and absolutely anecdotal, but the first lies that Christ told us were relatively benign. Still, they have been progressing. And they will continue to progress until there is no more truth; his lies will grow until they blot out the sun. Now that you've heard what I've had to say, I want you to think about it. And I want you to join me and establish democracy and equality.

[slingblade]

Originally Posted by shemp

I want you to join me.

Why, are you coming apart?











Oh, I kill me!

[geetarmoore]

This looks a lot like one 'o dem 'automated complaint' letters...



Had me going for the first few lines

[Pauliesonne]

Hath thou doubted how amusing, Madam Slingblade could be......

ye hath not and ye never shall.

[slingblade]

Originally Posted by Pauliesonne

Hath thou doubted how amusing, Madam Slingblade could be......

ye hath not and ye never shall.

Aw, shucks, Paulie...I love you, too!

[shemp]

Originally Posted by slingblade

Why, are you coming apart?











Oh, I kill me!

Some wish you would.

[slingblade]

Oh, ow! Oh zing! How can I ever hope to compete with witty repartee such as this?

urk? (clutches chest) Agh......oh.....I....I.....












Nope. Still alive. Sorry to disappoint.

[Beerina]

Originally Posted by slingblade

Oh, ow! Oh zing!

It's "Oh, snap!" now. "Zing" is so 1980's.

[shemp]

There are many raucous pests who want to leave helpless citizens afraid in the streets, in their jobs, and even in their homes. One -- Jesus Christ -- is so brusque, he deserves special mention. Note that some of the facts I plan to use in this letter were provided to me by a highly educated person who managed to escape Jesus's capricious, unholy indoctrination and is consequently believable. He wants me to stop trying to take the initiative to kick butt and take names. Instead, he'd rather I wander around in a quagmire of self-pity and depression. Sorry, but I don't accept defeat that easily.

We've tolerated Jesus's disgraceful tirades long enough. It's time to lose our patience and chill our kindness. It's time to express our concerns about Jesus's cold-blooded expositions. It's time to shout to the world that you may be wondering why power-drunk pinheads latch onto his modes of thought. It's because people of that nature need to have rhetoric and dogma to recite during times of stress in order to cope. That's also why I am now in a position to define what I mean when I say that it is hard to ignore the impact of Jesus's misconduct on our children, our culture, and our national character. What I mean is that teenagers who want to shock their parents sometimes maintain -- with a straight face -- that we have too much freedom. Fortunately, most parents don't fall for this fraud because they know that Jesus's ideals are not pedantic treatises expressing theories or extravaganzas dealing in fables or fancies. They are substantial, sober outpourings from the very soul of sensationalism. In a broad-brush sense, Jesus's theories all stem from one, simple, faulty premise -- that we should abandon the institutionalized and revered concept of democracy.

This should be a chance to examine and bring problems to light, to share and join in understanding, but Jesus is extraordinarily brazen. We've all known that for a long time. However, his willingness to siphon off scarce international capital intended for underdeveloped countries sets a new record for brazenness. He is hooked on designer victimology but fails to notice the real victims: the entire next generation. He says that revisionism is the only alternative to vigilantism. This is at best wrong. At worst, it is a lie. The recent outrage at Jesus Christ's epigrams may point to a brighter future. For now, however, I must leave you knowing that we all have an obligation to stand up together and forcefully oppose Jesus's brain-damaged, unregenerate credos.

[Genesius]

Shemp, ol' boy, in case you haven't dropped in on the Politics section, we know you're using Pakin's automatic complaint-letter generator from http://www.pakin.org/complaint/ .

Not really that tough - observe:

Quote:

My complaint about Shemp

Parts of what follows below were actually painful to write. However, because of the ongoing misinformation campaigns launched by Shemp and his sycophants, I feel it is my duty to write this. I would like to start by discussing Shemp's agendas, mainly because they scare me. The thing I'm the most frightened about is that if I hear Shemp's attendants say, "Honor counts for nothing" one more time, I'm clearly going to throw up. I'm not saying this to be spleeny, but rather to explain that his temperamental dream is starting to come true. Liberties are being killed by attrition. Cannibalism is being installed by accretion. The only way that we can reverse these brassbound trends is to demand a thoughtful analysis and resolution of our problems with Shemp. To be precise, his eccentricity is surpassed only by his vanity. And Shemp's vanity is surpassed only by his empty theorizing. (Remember his theory that the moon is made of green cheese?)
Shemp presents himself as a disinterested classicist lamenting the infusion of politically motivated methods of pedagogy and analysis into higher education. He is eloquent in his denunciation of modern scholarship, claiming it favors what I call delirious clunks. And here we have the ultimate irony, because I have a dream, a mission, a set path that I would like to travel down. Specifically, my goal is to focus on what unites rather than divides us. Of course, someone has to be willing to rage, rage against the dying of the light. Even if it's not polite to do so. Even if it hurts a lot of people's feelings. Even if everyone else is pretending that all literature which opposes terrorism was forged by cranky fast-buck artists. Shemp's complaints have no basis in science or in human experience. Instead, they consist of careless, lewd blanket statements derived from a world view rooted in foul-mouthed animalism. I would like to digress here.
If Shemp were paying attention -- which it would seem he is not, as I've already gone over this -- he'd see that he doesn't want to acknowledge that name-calling and a general lack of respect for the opinions of others are a clear indication of insecurity. In fact, Shemp would rather block all discussion on the subject. I suppose that's because I deeply believe that it's within our grasp to preserve the peace. Be grateful for this first and last tidbit of comforting news. The rest of this letter will center around the way that Shemp's subliminal psywar campaigns are based on some deep-rooted personality disorder. The logical consequences of that are clear: Shemp will do everything in his power to eviscerate freedom of speech and sexual privacy rights. No wonder corruption is endemic to our society; Shemp accuses me of being spineless whenever I state that he, in his infinite wisdom, has decided to take rights away from individuals on the basis of prejudice, myth, irrational belief, inaccurate information, and outright falsehood. Alright, I'll admit that I have a sharp tongue and sometimes write with a bit of a poison pen but the fact remains that I plan to delegitimize Shemp. Are you with me -- or against me? Whatever you decide, at this point in the letter, I had planned to tell you that it is my opinion, as well as that of the courts, dozens of professional organizations, and numerous religious leaders, that it breaks my heart and fills my chest with agonizing pain when I see Shemp enable the most stubborn personæ non gratæ you'll ever see to punch above their weight. However, one of my colleagues pointed out that nearly all of the assumptions and statements made by Shemp and his lickspittles are completely, absolutely, and totally wrong. Hence, I discarded the discourse I had previously prepared and substituted the following discussion, in which I argue that by his standards, if you have morals, believe that character counts, and actually raise your own children -- let alone teach them to be morally fit -- you're definitely a snooty bigamist. My standards -- and I suspect yours as well -- are quite different from Shemp's. For instance, I insist that his perceptions are but a speck in a constellation of methodologies used by mandarinism to recruit and encourage young people to win support by encapsulating frustrations and directing them toward unpopular scapegoats, just as older drug dealers use young kids to push drugs. It is no more complicated than that. Shemp's list of sins is long and each one deserves more space than I have here. Therefore, rather than describe each one individually, I'll summarize by stating that some reputed -- as opposed to reputable -- members of his retinue quite adamantly believe that two wrongs make a right. I find it rather astonishing that anyone could suspect such a thing, but then again, many people are convinced that Shemp clings to any argument or principle, however bestial or dysfunctional, that appears to support his memoranda. I can't comment on that, but I can say that he has certainly never given evidence of thinking extensively. Or at all, for that matter. Shemp's précis are fatally fissiparous, yet Shemp is a supporter of everything that was trendy in America in the 1960s -- the marvelous effects of LSD and other psychedelic drugs, pyramid power, various oriental religious cults, transcendental meditation, UFOs and extraterrestrials, CIA conspiracies, you name it. This sort of vertiginous paradox is well known to most dodgy self-proclaimed arbiters of taste and standards. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe a book of Shemp's writings would be a good addition to the Bible. Admittedly, that's about as likely as Elvis materializing in my room tonight and singing Heartbreak Hotel. Still, the possibility does help one realize that there is no such thing as evil in the abstract. It exists only in the evil deeds of evil people like Shemp. In closing, we must work together to offer a framework for discussion so that we can more quickly reach a consensus. Together, we can make a difference. Forever and always.

[slingblade]

Originally Posted by Beerina

It's "Oh, snap!" now. "Zing" is so 1980's.

It could have been worse: I almost said "oh burn!" due to watching far too much That 70's Show lately.

[shemp]

Originally Posted by Genesius

Shemp, ol' boy, in case you haven't dropped in on the Politics section, we know you're using Pakin's automatic complaint-letter generator from http://www.pakin.org/complaint/ .

Not really that tough - observe:

Obviously, they know me well.