Paranoids have all the facts

Frank Newgent · 26th October 2002, 07:20 PM

"Did you ever notice how preoccupied and taken up by the funniest things some people get? You'd think they were Bin Laden at the premiere of Fox television's "When Jews Attack". Why is that? I never thought anyone was out to get me until I saw those kids wearing headsets in the drive through at Urger Bing. Makes me wonder just who was instructing them what exactly to put into my food to cause this paranoia.

Phyllis Schlafly found out. I mean about all those stinking Commie babies being born behind the slaves' quarters right there in the Heritage Foundation. And how about those Wackenhut pastry magnets in the white Jeep Cherokee that had me under surveillance for a while last month? Tried throwing them off by switching cars with some illegal Mexican immigrants. And now, by golly, they own that doughnut shop.

But what's up with those giant high tension power lines in the back yard? Like Nikola Tesla strafing the redwoods of Venus last night: some kind of National Missle Defense superheater generating a stream of sub-atomic particles and heli-arc plasma explosions broke all my garage windows and knocked over a birdhouse. That'll destroy the North Korean industrial base right there. Any day now some targeted missile with a surface reflecting enough undiffused light to form a virtual image of the object before it - come and get this damn thing from behind my garage - is going to be re-orienting that space bankers' voodoo right back onto us. Muhammad knows mirrors. X-ray laser ricochets off the Mothership igniting knotty pine lawn furniture fetching $750 on EBay: is this is what I get for sending fifteen per cent to the Social Security Trust Fund? How else are these kleptocrats determining what we're supposed to believe is real going to get paid for singing karaoke in a traveling shower stall, for crying out loud?

No bad idea undergoing the trouble of actually happening would be complete without a few shells from a thirty-aught-six. I spotted that goddamned superheater up there right about where Ready Kilowatt's wing nuts oughta be. If the next Defense Department CSPAN press conference on NMD doesn't bring up the unexplained detonation of one of its microwave hyper-pulse EMR mind f*@>ing Nazi death ray vaporizers, you oughta know one of those right wing nuts got me first. Hmm. Maybe I should just go ahead and write Saddam Hussein about the "Dollar Store" web site before Dick Cheney raises enough centimos to destabilize Venezuela by timesharing him mega-optics off the Hubble Space Telescope.

And who knows what's up with Bush's new diet of broccoli and too much carrot juice? Sometimes vegetarian rage - slowly built up as psychotoxic pesticides accumulate in the nervous system - can erupt without warning. Like those PETA activists running that station wagon of Dominican nuns off some bridge on the West Virginia turnpike. While at other times you might get a little more advance notice. Been reading the paper much lately? Yup, you're looking at it. Here's to hoping the Dim Bulb in Daddy's Thousand Points of Light goes back to liver mush and baked beans real soon. And Indonesia: didn't they peacefully remove a president widely viewed as incompetent? How can we sign up for that? Gluehead won't be the fourth non-Catholic inducted into the Vatican's pontifical order after Rupert Murdoch, Bob Hope and Walt Disney's brother at this rate.

Sigh. You know, a Canadian buddy of mine was bonking Jeb's wife for years. Think I'm kidding? You don't happen to have Bill McBride's phone number, do you?

I'm Larry Ki-ing."

Attrayant · 28th October 2002, 10:12 AM

You misspelled "facets".

Frank Newgent · 28th October 2002, 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Attrayant
You misspelled "facets".

Aw, c'mon now. I was hoping for, at least, an articulate
put down of some sort I might use in my signature.

28th October 2002, 04:49 PM

Who'd you steal all that rambling drivel from?

Frank Newgent · 28th October 2002, 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Magnifico
Who'd you steal all that rambling drivel from?

From a suppressed recording of Mr. Ki-ing taped shortly after his interview with Dr. Albert Hofmann in January of 2001. Believing that it would be transcribed for his column which ran at that time in "USA Today", Larry started off in the warm conversational style enthusiasts of the now defunct weekly feature may remember with fondness:

"For my money, NASCAR is right up there with baseball, jazz music and Jerry Lee Lewis when you think of America's cultural contributions to the world. Speaking of money, my wife figures we'll save almost $20 this month by crumbling those little urinal cakes into our clothing instead of using deodorant. But I had a great idea late last night in the bathroom. Make 'em in the shape of Billy Graham. Have my eyes started to dilate yet?"

I quoted earlier from what followed. The column never ran.

ceo_esq · 29th October 2002, 02:38 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Attrayant
You misspelled "facets".

And, I think, "magnates".

Frank Newgent · 29th October 2002, 05:43 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Attrayant
You misspelled "facets".

Quote:

Originally posted by ceo_esq

And, I think, "magnates".

Though I've heard that a good realtime closed captioner can work to an accuracy level of better than 99%, misstrokes must happen still somewhere, sometime. Since there are none here, perhaps CNN?

Soapy Sam · 29th October 2002, 08:39 PM

Frank! Give me more. Give me more. But wait while I find some dry underwear.

subgenius · 30th October 2002, 02:53 AM

Frank rules!

8th May 2003, 11:04 PM

If I'm not completely missing the joke here, and forgive me if I am, if this column never ran, where did you get it from, and is there an existing link I may access it at?

Frank Newgent · 9th May 2003, 04:48 AM

This is the only link I know.

Thanks for your inquiry.

9th May 2003, 12:36 PM

Ok, so the rambling drivel is yours!

Thanks.

26th October 2002, 07:20 PM	#1
Frank Newgent Illuminator Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 4,675	Paranoids have all the facts "Did you ever notice how preoccupied and taken up by the funniest things some people get? You'd think they were Bin Laden at the premiere of Fox television's "When Jews Attack". Why is that? I never thought anyone was out to get me until I saw those kids wearing headsets in the drive through at Urger Bing. Makes me wonder just who was instructing them what exactly to put into my food to cause this paranoia. Phyllis Schlafly found out. I mean about all those stinking Commie babies being born behind the slaves' quarters right there in the Heritage Foundation. And how about those Wackenhut pastry magnets in the white Jeep Cherokee that had me under surveillance for a while last month? Tried throwing them off by switching cars with some illegal Mexican immigrants. And now, by golly, they own that doughnut shop. But what's up with those giant high tension power lines in the back yard? Like Nikola Tesla strafing the redwoods of Venus last night: some kind of National Missle Defense superheater generating a stream of sub-atomic particles and heli-arc plasma explosions broke all my garage windows and knocked over a birdhouse. That'll destroy the North Korean industrial base right there. Any day now some targeted missile with a surface reflecting enough undiffused light to form a virtual image of the object before it - come and get this damn thing from behind my garage - is going to be re-orienting that space bankers' voodoo right back onto us. Muhammad knows mirrors. X-ray laser ricochets off the Mothership igniting knotty pine lawn furniture fetching $750 on EBay: is this is what I get for sending fifteen per cent to the Social Security Trust Fund? How else are these kleptocrats determining what we're supposed to believe is real going to get paid for singing karaoke in a traveling shower stall, for crying out loud? No bad idea undergoing the trouble of actually happening would be complete without a few shells from a thirty-aught-six. I spotted that goddamned superheater up there right about where Ready Kilowatt's wing nuts oughta be. If the next Defense Department CSPAN press conference on NMD doesn't bring up the unexplained detonation of one of its microwave hyper-pulse EMR mind f*@>ing Nazi death ray vaporizers, you oughta know one of those right wing nuts got me first. Hmm. Maybe I should just go ahead and write Saddam Hussein about the "Dollar Store" web site before Dick Cheney raises enough centimos to destabilize Venezuela by timesharing him mega-optics off the Hubble Space Telescope. And who knows what's up with Bush's new diet of broccoli and too much carrot juice? Sometimes vegetarian rage - slowly built up as psychotoxic pesticides accumulate in the nervous system - can erupt without warning. Like those PETA activists running that station wagon of Dominican nuns off some bridge on the West Virginia turnpike. While at other times you might get a little more advance notice. Been reading the paper much lately? Yup, you're looking at it. Here's to hoping the Dim Bulb in Daddy's Thousand Points of Light goes back to liver mush and baked beans real soon. And Indonesia: didn't they peacefully remove a president widely viewed as incompetent? How can we sign up for that? Gluehead won't be the fourth non-Catholic inducted into the Vatican's pontifical order after Rupert Murdoch, Bob Hope and Walt Disney's brother at this rate. Sigh. You know, a Canadian buddy of mine was bonking Jeb's wife for years. Think I'm kidding? You don't happen to have Bill McBride's phone number, do you? I'm Larry Ki-ing."

28th October 2002, 10:12 AM	#2
Attrayant Scholar Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Bangkok, Thailand Posts: 93	You misspelled "facets".
	__________________ "The president of the United States and the secretary of defense would not assert as plainly and vocally as they have that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction if it was not true and if they did not have a solid basis for saying it." - Ari Fleischer (Dec. 5, 2002)

28th October 2002, 04:49 PM	#4
Guest Posts: n/a	Who'd you steal all that rambling drivel from?
Guest Posts: n/a

29th October 2002, 02:38 AM	#6
ceo_esq Illuminator Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 4,940	Quote: Originally posted by Attrayant You misspelled "facets". And, I think, "magnates".
ceo_esq Illuminator Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 4,940

29th October 2002, 08:39 PM	#8
Soapy Sam NLH Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 25,885	Frank! Give me more. Give me more. But wait while I find some dry underwear.
Soapy Sam NLH Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 25,885

28th October 2002, 03:31 PM	#3
Frank Newgent Illuminator Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 4,675	Quote: Originally posted by Attrayant You misspelled "facets". Aw, c'mon now. I was hoping for, at least, an articulate put down of some sort I might use in my signature.

28th October 2002, 07:39 PM	#5
Frank Newgent Illuminator Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 4,675	Quote: Originally posted by Magnifico Who'd you steal all that rambling drivel from? From a suppressed recording of Mr. Ki-ing taped shortly after his interview with Dr. Albert Hofmann in January of 2001. Believing that it would be transcribed for his column which ran at that time in "USA Today", Larry started off in the warm conversational style enthusiasts of the now defunct weekly feature may remember with fondness: "For my money, NASCAR is right up there with baseball, jazz music and Jerry Lee Lewis when you think of America's cultural contributions to the world. Speaking of money, my wife figures we'll save almost $20 this month by crumbling those little urinal cakes into our clothing instead of using deodorant. But I had a great idea late last night in the bathroom. Make 'em in the shape of Billy Graham. Have my eyes started to dilate yet?" I quoted earlier from what followed. The column never ran.

29th October 2002, 05:43 AM	#7
Frank Newgent Illuminator Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 4,675	Quote: Originally posted by Attrayant You misspelled "facets". Quote: Originally posted by ceo_esq And, I think, "magnates". Though I've heard that a good realtime closed captioner can work to an accuracy level of better than 99%, misstrokes must happen still somewhere, sometime. Since there are none here, perhaps CNN?

30th October 2002, 02:53 AM	#9
subgenius Illuminator Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 4,788	Frank rules!
subgenius Illuminator Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 4,788	__________________ "The liberty of a democracy is not safe if the people tolerate the growth of private power to a point where it becomes stronger than their democratic state itself. That, in its essence, is Fascism--ownership of government by an individual, by a group, or by any controlling private power."---Franklin D. Roosevelt Proud to be Liberal

8th May 2003, 11:04 PM	#10
Jesse Guest Posts: n/a	"Ki-ing"? If I'm not completely missing the joke here, and forgive me if I am, if this column never ran, where did you get it from, and is there an existing link I may access it at?
Jesse Guest Posts: n/a

9th May 2003, 04:48 AM	#11
Frank Newgent Illuminator Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 4,675	This is the only link I know. Thanks for your inquiry.
	__________________ Disturbances of the semantic reactions in connection with faulty education and ignorance must be considered as sub-microscopic colloidal lesions - Alfred O. Korzybski

9th May 2003, 12:36 PM	#12
Jesse Guest Posts: n/a	Rambling Drivel Ok, so the rambling drivel is yours! Thanks.
Jesse Guest Posts: n/a