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Old 5th November 2002, 02:36 AM   #1
De_Bunk
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Ive been forced to get a "real job"...Im back at the Coroners Office..

Upto yesterday i used to write for a living...it paid well, was easy work....but it dried up...I was reduced to writing poop for a pittance....

So, i needed to get a real job.

I heard that my old job, working for the Coroners office, was back on the market...

I re-applied and got it...beating all the other gore mongers to it..

As you can imagine, i have seen some horrific sights....and been around death at its bloodiest.....

Ive dug graves...opened crypts and tombs...dressed bodies...fired up cremators....watched autopsies...dragged bodies from railway lines, suicides, murders, collected various limbs from strange places...walked through unlit morgues, filled with bodies in the dead of night....

Have i ever seen anything remotely paranormal....no im afraid not...

If anyones got any questions about procedure or what happens when you die and are collected.., about cremations...dressing bodies, what occurs behind closed doors...how i personally can do a job like that and then come home and act like nothings happened...or anyone wants to hear some true life gore that i have seen...

There are a lot of myths floating around concerning funerals, cremations...

Id like to dispel a few and come home with the facts...

There's not much fun to be had around the subject of death...but it does have its moments....

Ask away...

(This will help me re-adjust back to the job and set myself up for what i know im going to be seeing again , because it does take a certain mindset.....)

Your mate..

De_Bunk
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Old 5th November 2002, 02:46 AM   #2
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When you get to work do you feel a little stiff ?
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Old 5th November 2002, 02:51 AM   #3
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Its a bit of a "Dead" end job....
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Old 5th November 2002, 02:52 AM   #4
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Why has is taken you so long to go back? Any skeletons in the closet ?
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Old 5th November 2002, 03:10 AM   #5
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The trillion pound question: what's the worst you experienced in your line of work?

Oh, and an important question: I have real trouble handling disgusting pictures (like the ones you get ambushed with on the net from time to time), do you have any advice on how to deal with this? Having a mental image of rotten & bloated female genitalia at lunchtime is not the funniest thing in the world.
I guess what I want to know is 'how you personally can do a job like that and then come home and act like nothings happened'.
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Old 5th November 2002, 03:17 AM   #6
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Why has is taken you so long to go back? Any skeletons in the closet ?
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Old 5th November 2002, 04:16 AM   #7
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I don't know any myths about cremation so I don't know what questions to ask, other than what are some of them? If I ever get around to writing a will, I'm tempted to request I be cremated, unless I donate my carcass to some worthy cause.


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Old 5th November 2002, 06:32 AM   #8
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Do you model yourself after Quincy?

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Old 5th November 2002, 06:34 AM   #9
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Do you model yourself after Quincy?

David
I was thinking Igor....
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Old 5th November 2002, 07:26 AM   #10
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Does one really get the ashes of loved ones back or is it usually just a bag of bonemeal from the garden centre.
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Old 5th November 2002, 07:54 AM   #11
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How do i handle it...and whats some of the gore ive seen...??

Im gonna answer two questions with one answer...

I was called out once, around 3am. I had to go to the local railway station...

When i got there, the Transport Police pointed up the line to where the body was...so me and my boss, put a body bag in a shell ( a fibreglass, leakproof coffin) and walked up...

He was laid out, chest down in the crucifix position....absolutely untouched and clean at the edge of the rails...except it was minus the head...

According to the train driver, he saw this man wait right until the train was upon him and then just lay flat down....

There was blood...a lot...but it had been a precision beheading...

We picked the body up and put it in the shell...I looked around for the head with a torch...couldnt see it...

The Police had a cursory look..but they had kinda left it to us to have a proper look...They had checked under the train..it had to be somewhere...

I walked past the train, it started to rain...I must have walked about 50 yards up infront...looking in the brush at the side of the track...something glinted...i looked again and found it...

Trouble is i'd forgotten to bring a limb bag to put it in...i called to my boss to get me a bag and some gloves...

When he got to me..he handed me a woolworths plastic bag...with no gloves..the police had walked up as well...some of them were looking a bit sick...

I picked up the head by the hair and noticed that the back of it had been smashed open....I put it in the bag and carried it back...

I took the whole lot to the morgue...

The next day i was informed that the Mother wanted to view the body and was travelling down....

One of these mortuary technicians then brought out the head in a bowl..and then began repairing the head...He removed parts of the inside, filled it with a plaster like substance and rebuilt the back of the head replacing the pieces of smashed skull...

By the evening, he had micro-stitched the head back onto the body...I helped him with the make up...brushed the hair...etc..

When his mother came to view the body she never noticed that his head had been crushed and then sewn back on...She thought he had just been hit by the train..

How could i go home and act like nothing happened..???

Well, this is how i dealt with it...it may sound strange..but me, i generally see people with their heads attached..moving and talking...When i come across a gore and blood spattered scene..to me thats not "real"...its like the movies...not nice too look at...but just not real...I couldnt recognise them as once living, no matter who or what i picked up...Somehow my inner defence transformed the horrific scenes into fantasy...and so never bothered me...

The tombs and crypt "Re-openers" are quite good fun...

I got all that to look foward too...once again...
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Old 5th November 2002, 07:56 AM   #12
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Did you actually need a job, or are you just looking for a woman who won't turn you down?
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Old 5th November 2002, 07:57 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally posted by orwell huxley
Did you actually need a job, or are you just looking for a woman who won't turn you down?
This soooooo reminds me of a really nasty joke.

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Old 5th November 2002, 07:59 AM   #14
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Originally posted by LillyThePink


This soooooo reminds me of a really nasty joke.

C'mon, Lilly, it isn't right to leave us hanging. Do tell!
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Old 5th November 2002, 08:23 AM   #15
De_Bunk
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Max..(Good to see your still around)

UK Cremators are only large enough inside to take one body at a time...

The ashes fall through the grate to a large tray underneath..

When the body is completely gone (around 40 minutes) the cremator is switched to low...the top is scraped clean and everything falls into the shiny stainless steel tray underneath...with a few bits of bone that remain...

The whole lot is then placed into what looks like a front loading washing machine, without a door...its called a "cremulator"...

It has steel "cannonballs" of various sizes and reduces everything to fine granules...

The ashes are removed and then placed under a magnet to remove any metal...then immediately put into the chosen urn...

The metal...including gold...parts of watches...artificial hips..etc are welded together in a black mess and this is then buried in various pits around the cemetery...

Contrary to popular belief of cremating 3 or 4 bodies at once...it just dont happen...

Secondly..as for cremation staff opening coffins and removing things from the bodies...

No..from the second the curtain closes.. to the coffin in the cremator is around 5 or 6 seconds....they havent got the time to mess about...

Another myth is that the undertaker gets the coffins back and just the body is cremated...

Not true...coffins are very, very cheap to buy in...its the preparation work that costs the money...and nowadays due to the rules and regulations...thats not much...Its a very large profit for the undertaker....absolutely not worth the time to re-use coffins...

The crematorium is all high tech now...all computer controlled...fully automated...software controls the most efficient temperature...the fumes...everything...

Occasionally a coffin may have too much varnish on it...or have something that should have been removed...and the software will give a print out if the cremation exceeded the legal levels..

The offending undertaker is then reported to the local council and they issue a warning...

If something explodes in the sealed cremator...then the undertaker is reported again...the onus is on them to thoroughly check the body...and to ensure things like pacemakers are removed...

I removed dozens...Its not as hard or as gory as you think, as they are very close to the surface of the skin...and only needs a small incision and a pair of pliers...you leave the wires in and just remove the power unit...

Being cremated is very clean, quick and surgical in its operation...

It is the way to go....

Want to know why im against burial....Thats another story...

Hope this helps clear a few things up...
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Old 5th November 2002, 08:25 AM   #16
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Orwell...no i find them all a bit "cold" hearted....
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Old 5th November 2002, 08:29 AM   #17
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DavidHorman..

Quincy....Nah...

More like "Frasier" out of "Dads Army"....
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Old 5th November 2002, 08:37 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally posted by orwell huxley
C'mon, Lilly, it isn't right to leave us hanging. Do tell!
ok, well there's these two blokes in a pub, and one of them's telling a story..

man 1 :- I was on my way home last night when I met this amazing woman. As I got off the train, I saw her tied to the railway tracks, so I untied her and she came home with me. It was incredible. We made love in every position you could imagine... her on top, me on top, on the kitchen table, doggy style, swinging from the chandaliers, jumping off the top of the wardrobe... every way you could imagine.

man 2: - wow! Did you get a blow job?

Man 1: - no, sadly, I couldn't find her head.


I never said it was funny.
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Old 5th November 2002, 09:01 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally posted by De_Bunk
Well, this is how i dealt with it...it may sound strange..but me, i generally see people with their heads attached..moving and talking...When i come across a gore and blood spattered scene..to me thats not "real"...its like the movies...not nice too look at...but just not real...I couldnt recognise them as once living, no matter who or what i picked up...Somehow my inner defence transformed the horrific scenes into fantasy...and so never bothered me...
When you think about it, people are just machines -- robots. I don't get grossed out when robots get torn apart, why is it gross when people get torn apart? I mean when I had to dissect grasshoppers, frogs and pigs in Biology class, I didn't get grossed out, but show me a frog getting smooshed by a truck or something, and I think its disgusting. Wierd.
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Old 5th November 2002, 09:35 AM   #20
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I once had to exhume a body...

It had been buried in 1969....

The grave did not have a headstone but someone had checked the records and had marked the grave....

We couldnt get a mechanical digger in so we dug down by hand...

(Re-opening any grave is a whole lot easier than digging a fresh one...the soil is never as compacted)....anyway...

We dug down...it was getting late....i climbed out of the pit to have a rest, and sat on the side of the open grave...suddenly the side gave way and i fell in...collapsing the supports...

Thats not all...the grave next to it had just been dug...the gap between the two was about 6inches of soil...when it should much further apart...

The coffin from the adjoining grave had been buried about 3 weeks...and had fallen through with the collapse of my pit..it had bust open and i found my self sitting on a 3 week old corpse....

and, in my surprise at falling..i had put my hand into its rotting face...The smell was surprise...it hits you like an ice pick up the nostrils....

How lovely for me...

and to add insult to injury...The wrong grave had been marked out in the first place...

So we had to fill it all in...and re-dig the correct one...right through the night...

Well...someones gotta do it...

This thread is becoming like "Tales from the Crypt"...
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Old 5th November 2002, 09:38 AM   #21
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Re: Ive been forced to get a "real job"...Im back at the Coroners Office..

Quote:
Originally posted by De_Bunk
how i personally can do a job like that and then come home and act like nothings happened...
Did the heavy drinking start before or after you did this kind of work?
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Old 5th November 2002, 10:00 AM   #22
Girl 6
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Hey, De_Bunk! How about I become your assistant and type all of these stories out and we come out with a best seller called, "Real Coroners Don't Dig That!"

Seriously, though, have you considered writing about some your experiences? (Besides writing about them here? )

G6
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Old 5th November 2002, 10:33 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally posted by De_Bunk
I once had to exhume a body...
.. When my father was a student, one of the summer jobs he had was as a gravedigger. One day they were digging down in a family grave, to prepare it for the next incumbent to join the others. The bloke he was with hopped down into the grave to finish the digging - and crunched right through the top of the coffin underneath. Apparently he sank in about up to his knees, with a wail that still makes my father giggle to this day. Oh, and he came back out of the grave as though he were jet propelled. As you would
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Old 5th November 2002, 10:35 AM   #24
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My drinking started years before...Its a throwback from the newspaper...

I have to cut right back now...im got to drive at a moments notice...so ive been sober for a few days now...not a real problem...theres always my days off....

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

G6..

Its a thought...there have been some real funny moments...ie watching an undertaker fall into the grave...watching the pall bearers drop the coffin as they walked it to the grave and the body coming out...etc...

Funny now..but not at the time...as you can imagine...

I could write about all the gore and the senseless way people commit suicide over the most stupid things...

Unusual deaths...the unusual finds when you have to dig...

Not much fun in death though...

I'd like to know...who put the "Fun" in "Funeral"...

I'll still write...and as soon as i get another good deal going i'll return to it full time, as before...

I had to get some more money coming in...i just bought a new car..its being delivered Monday...and i suddenly realised that i wouldnt be left with much after i paid for it...

A bit silly really...

Alcohol and Mercedes brouchures...Yes thats right...i just bought a new Mercedes.....

I could pull out of the deal..i suppose..i dont know...but i'd lose a lot of money ive already paid....

So im stuck with it..The Coroners work pays well...its been a few years since i worked there...

Some of the new faces there think im a newbie to it all....they are in for a bit of a shock...

I havent gone back at the same grade i was before...but the old boss said he'd work it around somehow...He was happy i was back...

The children are not too happy...but i do get a very expensive fitted 3 piece suit...and a nice new dayglo jacket...just like the local PD wear...oh yes...and a clipboard...various pagers and mobile phones...and a very flash ID card....and get to go under the stripey "POLICE..DO NOT CROSS" tape...

Was on TV once...removing a transexuals body from the sea...It appears i was the only one that could tell it was a man from the second i saw it...all the others thought it was a woman....it was only when the autopsy took place that they realised...

Anyway..not a bad idea...

I suppose the point of all this is...is that even though ive been around death..the deceased...bodies....graveyards...old churches...ive never seen jack squat that could be classed as paranormal...

oh well....
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Old 5th November 2002, 10:43 AM   #25
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Quote:
Originally posted by De_Bunk
watching the pall bearers drop the coffin as they walked it to the grave and the body coming out...etc...
Reminds me of the funeral procession for the Ayatollah Khomeini! The coffin was passed around in the crowd, everyone wanted to touch it, and the body fell out a few times.

I believe someone even made a simple computer game out of it...
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Old 5th November 2002, 10:48 AM   #26
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De Bunk -- thanks for an interesting thread. When you decide to get "serious", you kick @$$!

Question: Are you at all involved in the forensic analysis that goes on at a crime scene, or is that a different department?
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Old 5th November 2002, 10:59 AM   #27
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Esqeul...

Its a different dept...but i am around it..and i will have to follow the same protocols as they do when around a crime scene...and when a body is picked up and removed to the morgue...there usually is a discussion on how the person died...

As in "Hanging" suicides....there are certain things that can point to murder...or suicide...

It can be pretty interesting...

I have to be involved because the bodies are signed over to me...

So i get to wear those disposable overalls and shoe covers....

The Coroner (not coroners officer) is a good man and i got on well with him...and thats what swung the job in my favor ...he remembered me from before...

I also have fell into a tomb and landed square on the coffins...busting them open in the process and ending up sitting amongst the water and floating mummified bodies... thats through being lazy though....

( PS..id love a copy of that game with the Ayatollah...I might make a flash version... )
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Old 5th November 2002, 11:04 AM   #28
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Very interesting stuff, DB! Thanks for sharing...
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Old 5th November 2002, 11:27 AM   #29
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Malaka..

I thought id start a thread on this subject because most of the sensible death websites gloss over the truth...and the Gore websites are a bit over the top in what really occurs...

Here, i give it how it really is....what ive actually seen and know to have taken place....

One of the best times was when me and few others discovered a victorian embalming room...still full of the original equipment...it had been unused and the entrance bricked over, for at least 80 years...

Now that was interesting....i was allowed to keep some of the embalming tools...

Ive also seen facial reconstruction in bodies that have severe head injuries...seen embalming being done...removed pacemakers from bodies....

Ive seen a lot...

It is an interesting subject...not to everyones taste...but still there is an awful lot to it...and a lot of myth's...

See you on here....

De_Quincy_Bunk
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Old 5th November 2002, 12:11 PM   #30
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Congrats on your new position at the Coroners office. I've heard that people are just dieing to get in that place.
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Old 5th November 2002, 12:21 PM   #31
MRC_Hans
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How I love when the real people show through in this virtual babble world, hehehe.

Hans
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Old 5th November 2002, 12:47 PM   #32
De_Bunk
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Once again.. if anyone wants to know any part of the process...

Ive always said to people..."Theres no dignity in death...The diginity only starts when you reach the Chapel Of Rest at the Funeral home..."

In all honesty ive never seen a Undertakers treat a body with disrespect...

Ive seen them make mistakes...

Ive made a couple...

At one of the Funeral directors i visited...he asked me to help him dress and prepare a body for a viewing

Not a problem...

I brushed the hair....put a bit of make up on the womans face to bring back a bit of color...

I put her glasses on but they wouldnt sit right...so i superglued them on to the bridge of her nose and to her ears...

The people came and went in...i was standing outside and i heard one of them burst into tears...not unusual....then the man came out holding these glasses...with the immortal words..

"My Mother never wore glasses...and when i took them off ive pulled some skin off"...

I looked at the glasses and there was large pieces of skin attached to them...

(When a person dies...especially older people...they get something called "Skin slip".......If you grab an arm to move a body..sometimes you can pull off a load of skin..Like a snake, sloughing its skin..and thats what had happened...)

I went in and looked...it wasnt pretty...

The glasses were there....i just assumed they were hers...and i must admit i had gone a bit over the top with the glue...I wanted to make sure they didnt fall down again...didnt i...

Or

Like the jokers who put a pager in a jacket of their deceased friend..and then set it off during a quiet moment in the service...

It made everyone laugh...and it the Vicar just turned his mic up...to drown out the constant beeping, coming from the coffin...

When it went through the curtains we had to open the coffin and remove it...

If a battery or disposable lighter explodes in a cremator...because of the heat and pressures involved..it can crack the brickwork and put a cremator out of commission...

Overweight people can create real problems as well...due to the fat content...There should always be an extra large cremator at most crematoriums...

Most crematoriums have three or four cremators working all day...and funerals are usually scheduled for every 40 minutes...

It can be pretty hard going...as one's going in...ones coming out of another burner...

The only problems are when a burner breaks down...then you get a backlog of deceased...and the remaining burners are pushed to the limits...and thats when you might get a bit of smoke from the chimneys...and the occasional strange smell...

Not nice when people are waiting outside for a funeral to commence... they know exactly what the smell is....

Not good practice....

( This is just therapy for myself...i got to re-adjust and get my self prepared again...Its all coming back to me now...oh well..someones got to do it...it might as well be me...)
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Old 5th November 2002, 01:06 PM   #33
arcticpenguin
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De_Bunk,

Did you ever run across one of these cases?

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmp...germany_dog_dc

"Dog eats owner after death in apartment"
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Old 5th November 2002, 01:12 PM   #34
Luciana
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De_Bunk: I say, go for it. But keep an eye on the market, shop for a new job as if you were unemployed... someday you'll get to find a work that will make you feel more comfortable. You will never find it if you stop making an effort. Have in my mind that this must be temporary!

Being morbidly curious here...

But have you ever met a weirdo, someone that got actually turned on by a corpse? Not only an undertaker, but a family member? Any kind of unusual religious ritual? Or a certain... delight at the situation?

Is it true that most part of the ashes consist of wood from the coffin? That the "human" ashes would be minimum if not for the extra material?
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Old 5th November 2002, 01:15 PM   #35
Girl 6
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De_Bunk, you have a treasure trove of stories here! I'm quite fascinated by all of this. Some of it is humorous, yes, but, it's still fascinating.

G6
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Old 5th November 2002, 01:16 PM   #36
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Remarkable, DB. You are far more than you let on.
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Old 5th November 2002, 01:17 PM   #37
Luciana
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Quote:
Originally posted by arcticpenguin
De_Bunk,

Did you ever run across one of these cases?

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmp...germany_dog_dc

"Dog eats owner after death in apartment"
Many times have I heard of these stories, and I always get to hear that this quite a common occurence. But are they? I'm pretty skeptical of that. It might happen once in a while, but I doubt that it's "common". It seems to be one of those "fascinating" facts that people use to shock buddies over a bar. But I might be wrong.
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Old 5th November 2002, 01:40 PM   #38
Girl 6
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small interruption...

Quote:
Originally posted by bidlack
Remarkable, DB. You are far more than you let on.
Not to chide you too badly, but I've always thought that De_Bunk was more than what his online personality has led us to believe. I am not surprised, in the least.

I still think he should write a book about this, though.

G6
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Old 5th November 2002, 02:35 PM   #39
De_Bunk
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Inery...

Necrophiliacs...No...ive not met any...

We had a Nigerian die....and they held some kind of weird ceremony...went on for about 4 hours in the chapel of rest...

I picked up a woman that her husband had sealed in a room upstairs...she'd been there for about 6 months...

They were both elderly and the husband couldnt be assed...so he just drew the curtains...closed the door and sealed it with electrical tape....

Then a man who had been dead about 3 or 4 months...sitting infront of his TV...which was still on....Christmas tree still up, in April...still flashing...You would have thought one of his neighbours would have noticed him sitting there...it took them until April...when someone decided to have a look through the window....

The most memorable funerals are the old soldiers....flags...The last post being played....full turn out of the old soldiers with all their medals....

As for animals eating their owners...well it totally possible...

But i have picked up an elderly man who died in his kitchen and his dog, which was also dead, in its basket....

Then there is the Freemasons....they are buried with all the masonic icons and regalia...

Suicides are the worst...always messy..

Picked up a husband and wife....he nearly cut her in half with a shoutgun on the stairs and then climbed into a cupboard and blew his head off....It was his children returning from school who discovered them..

Dug up a coffin only to find there was nothing there...no bones whatsoever...

I think the highlight of the job is when there is a crowd gathered...and i can walk up to the stripey "POLICE LINE>>DO NOT CROSS" tape and duck under and get right in with action...then give all the girls gathered a macho, manly "Im in charge" look....
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Old 5th November 2002, 02:57 PM   #40
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I can't help feeling you are missing out on a lot of tremendous material for a book. Sympathetically handled, it would be humorous and enlightening. Pretty sure it's the sort of thing I would buy. (Especially autographed by the author).
Get your notes in order. That Merc gets through a lot of fuel.
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