My crazy idea for a solution to the problem of Jerusalem

[Wat Tyler]

OK, so I admit that this will be popular with nobody, but...

The adherents of all three Abrahamic religions each claim Jerusalem as 'their' Holy City, and wish to claim unique ownership of it.

Despite the claims of each of the Religions to be about peace, harmony, universal brotherhood etc, over the last two thousand years each group has shown itself utterly incapable of behaving like civilised adults when it comes to the issue of this city.

My (sophomoric?) solution to this perennial problem is as follows:

1) The freehold ownership of the whole city of Jerusalem to be given over in perpetuity to UN ownership - all current landowners to receive compensation at current market value, and in future to lease-back their property from the UN should they wish to.

2) ALL groups to be allowed to attend the 'Holy Sites' of their sect, and to be allowed to live anywhere in the city as long as they rent their dwellings/place of business from the UN - subject to rules 5) and 6) below.

3) absolutely ALL weapons to be banned from the city of Jerusalem - the only exceptions being those carried by the UN Security Force for Jerusalem - who will be allowed to use Morning Stars, Kukri knives, DU rounds, nerve gas, siberian tigers, rabid wolverines or Colossal Squid to quell any disturbance of the peace, as they see fit.

4) the said Security Force must be seen to be impartial, and therefore may not be made up of recruits from any of the three Abrahamic religions - I suggest the Nepalese Ghurkas; who are not only Buddhists, but are also outstanding soldiers and ferocious warriors.

5) any individual convicted of 'disturbing the peace' of Jerusalem (by rioting etc) to be banned from it for the rest of his or her life - WITH NO EXCEPTIONS, OR TIME REMITTED FROM SENTENCE FOR LATER 'GOOD BEHAVIOUR'. 'Normal' criminal offences (theft, mugging, non-racially motivated murder) will still be tried in a UN civilian criminal court, staffed by Nepalese Judges;

6) any action by any soi-disant 'religious' terrorist group that 'disturbs the peace of Jerusalem' will result in the temporary banning from Jerusalem of its co-religionists -
for one year on the first offence (by any group belonging to that religion); seven years on the second offence (by any group belonging to that religion); forty-nine years on the third offence (by any group belonging to that religion) - you get the picture - the length of the ban escalates by a factor of seven at each offence.

6) should the members of all three religions be barred at any one time, then the whole city is to be comprehensively destroyed, as follows:
first - the city to be thoroughly burnt, and all buildings to be razed to the ground;
second - use of many deliberately-sited buried low-yield nuclear weapons in order to destroy all foundations, sewers etc and render the city uninhabitable;
third - the city to be buried under an enormous quantity of municipal waste, radioactive waste, human sewage and the waste materials from pig slaughterhouses;
fourth - the whole area to be topped-off with a thin layer of inert soil; fifth - the erection of a large physical barrier topped with razorwire and manned by the UN Security Force to prevent access to the site of the former city.

The hotheads among the adherents of these three 'great Religions' have shown themselves incapable of behaving like adults when it comes to Jerusalem - with effects that are 'negatively impactful' on the security of the rest of us.


So; I say that it's time the rest of us start treating them like children - if you behave well and 'play nice' with each other, then everyone's happy - but if you're naughty, we'll take away your 'toy' for good.


The less-flippant idea behind it is that, if everyone understands that NONE of them will ever own the city, or decide who gets to go into it etc, then maybe the pointless fighting over it can stop.


So, apart from the obvious flaw that no-one would ever agree to implement this plan, what else is wrong with it?

Go on - 'Have At' me....

[webfusion]

Define "Jerusalem" ===

[TobiasTheViking]

i like it

[Alt+F4]

Originally Posted by Wat Tyler

the said Security Force must be seen to be impartial, and therefore may not be made up of recruits from any of the three Abrahamic religions - I suggest the Nepalese Ghurkas; who are not only Buddhists, but are also outstanding soldiers and ferocious warriors.

I doubt most other countries would be willing to sacrifice their troops defending a city that does nothing to serve their national interests.

Add to that my belief that the UN isn't up for the job. Other than these two points, not such a bad idea after all.

[Darth Rotor]

Originally Posted by Wat Tyler

1) The freehold ownership of the whole city of Jerusalem to be given over in perpetuity to UN ownership - all current landowners to receive compensation at current market value, and in future to lease-back their property from the UN should they wish to.

I'd say it has to be administered by Hindi or Shinto or Taoists, who have no dog in the fight.

Quote:

2) ALL groups to be allowed to attend the 'Holy Sites' of their sect, and to be allowed to live anywhere in the city as long as they rent their dwellings/place of business from the UN - subject to rules 5) and 6) below.

Nope, they have to buy passes, like Disney World, or you can't fund the administration of the armed Hindi thugs security forces.

Quote:

3) absolutely ALL weapons to be banned from the city of Jerusalem - the only exceptions being those carried by the UN Security Force for Jerusalem - who will be allowed to use Morning Stars, Kukri knives, DU rounds, nerve gas, siberian tigers, rabid wolverines or Colossal Squid to quell any disturbance of the peace, as they see fit.

Negative. Let any and all bring their personal firearms. It will add to the tourist attraction to have the occasional shoot out between bickering Abrahamic sects. Pistols only. We need to sell this idea as a theme park, or it won't work. Yahweh Disney, or words to that effect.

Quote:

4) the said Security Force must be seen to be impartial, and therefore may not be made up of recruits from any of the three Abrahamic religions - I suggest the Nepalese Ghurkas; who are not only Buddhists, but are also outstanding soldiers and ferocious warriors.

OK, scratch the Hindi, I'll take the Ghurkas due to their rep as professionals, and their well known cultural baseline of honor.

Quote:

5) any individual convicted of 'disturbing the peace' of Jerusalem (by rioting etc) to be banned from it for the rest of his or her life - WITH NO EXCEPTIONS, OR TIME REMITTED FROM SENTENCE FOR LATER 'GOOD BEHAVIOUR'. 'Normal' criminal offences (theft, mugging, non-racially motivated murder) will still be tried in a UN civilian criminal court, staffed by Nepalese Judges;

Nope, you are violating the KISS principle. Anyone caught breaking a rule has to get out of the city alive before the Ghurkas find and kill them. If they get out, fine, they win a free play. They get to come back. Let's not screw around here, and let's keep the costs down. Also, think of the children, FFS: they need the entertainment value of the high speed chase.

Quote:

6) any action by any soi-disant 'religious' terrorist group that 'disturbs the peace of Jerusalem' will result in the temporary banning from Jerusalem of its co-religionists -

Nope. The RoE for tear gas use by the Ghurkas is to be permissive, and at the discretion of the Ghurka commander. Escalation to use of deadly force is to be within the discretion of the on scene commander. Wyatt Earp would suggest that this is how you bring law and order into a town. He was successful. Follow a successful model.

Quote:

So, apart from the obvious flaw that no-one would ever agree to implement this plan, what else is wrong with it?

If you accept my revisions, I think we take out a lot of the down side, reduce overhead expenses, increase entertainment value, streamline the decision making process, and have a possible starter.

Also, anyone caught screwing with the archeologists who are doing no-kidding digs, and research, are to be shot on sight.

As to armaments, you forgot the pointed sticks.

DR

[Darth Rotor]

Originally Posted by Alt+F4

I doubt most other countries would be willing to sacrifice their troops defending a city that does nothing to serve their national interests.

Yes, so you have to hire mercs. Ghurkas make fine mercs. Paid for by the admission fees.

DR

[webfusion]

DR, you've put waaayyy too much thought into this.

[Darth Rotor]

Originally Posted by webfusion

DR, you've put waaayyy too much thought into this.

The Brits sometimes call my brand of mind "eccentric." Most Americans use the term "nucking futz."

DR

[steverino]

The UN has no teeth for such a mission, plus the UN is made up of over 190 nations, most of whom have a pro-Palestinian bias.

I say Israel should consider a move to Baja California. Hey, they'd be building a wall on their California border to prevent illegals and potenetial terrorists from entering southbound, while America would be building a wall along the California border to prevent them coming north. This could become the "one-wall solution."

PS- DR- You put way too much energy into this.

[WildCat]

Wat Tyler, the UN would run away at the first suicide bombing if this were to happen. It's a no-go from the start.

Good luck with the weapons ban too.

[fuelair]

1) That's DPU (DePleted Uranium)
2) Per above, somebody fires a cap pistol, UN runs away to mommy.

[TragicMonkey]

It would be more fun to simply build exact copies of Jerusalem, so everyone who wants one can have one. There can be one next to Mecca, for convenience, and one in the US for tourism, and maybe a Disney one, and one made of Lego, and how about one made out of blocks of ice in Russia? Oooh, and a Mini-Jerusalem, made to half-scale, and midgets and dwarves could live in it! And Aqua-Jerusalem under the sea, and a floating Jerusalem for luxury cruises. Eventually, an orbiting Jerusalem in space! And a Robo-Jerusalem for robots! "Which Jerusalem did you spend your vacation at, Cindy?" "I went to Mecha Jerusalem. While there, I visited the Museum of Jerusalems and looked through a microscope at Micro Mini Jerusalem. There were amoeba at the Dome of the Rock!" "That sounds cool. I spent two weeks in Choco Jerusalem and gained thirteen pounds."

[SezMe]

Originally Posted by TragicMonkey

... and one made of Lego, and how about one made out of blocks of ice in Russia?

Or one made of sand. Check out these incredible creations.

[webfusion]

The Israelis already have it covered, TragicMonkey:

mini jerusalem
http://www.inisrael.com/myland/index.html

and

MINI ISRAEL PARK
http://www.minisrael.co.il/

[TragicMonkey]

OMG! Giants are threatening Jerusalem! Gamera, where are you?!

eta: Gamera is really neat, he is full of turtle meat, I believe in Gam-er-a!

[Thunder]

The Old City of Jerusalem is a special place and should have special status. Perhaps it should be ruled by the UN with people's of all faiths allowed to go wherever they want.

[TragicMonkey]

I think the UN is too corrupt and ineffectual to be trusted with something like that.

Instead, Jerusalem should be put under the control of the Girl Scouts. As the modern-day spiritual descendents of the Teutonic Knights, they are stern and capable warriors who will tolerate no nonsense from the non-cookie-buying public.

[webfusion]

Originally Posted by parky76

The Old City of Jerusalem is a special place and should have special status. Perhaps it should be ruled by the UN with people's of all faiths allowed to go wherever they want.

That is already the case, as people of all faiths already have access.

I asked you once before, and didn't get an answer ---- have you ever been to Jerusalem?

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TragicMonkey, are Girl Scout cookies certified Kosher? Otherwise, it wouldn't work.

[burrahobbit]

Good idea. However, it would be simpler to go direct to stage six. You would get there anyhow and think of the time and money you would save..


BTW Gurkhas are mostly Hindu not Buddhist. Fantastic soldiers in any case.

[geni]

Originally Posted by Wat Tyler

1) The freehold ownership of the whole city of Jerusalem to be given over in perpetuity to UN ownership - all current landowners to receive compensation at current market value, and in future to lease-back their property from the UN should they wish to.

While this was what was originaly planned the UN isn't going to go near that one.

[The Painter]

Nuke the city and turn it into dust. No Holy City, nothing to fight over. Problem solved.

[frank462]

Originally Posted by The Painter

Nuke the city and turn it into dust. No Holy City, nothing to fight over. Problem solved.

I totally, completely, 100% agree with this solution.

[TragicMonkey]

Originally Posted by The Painter

Nuke the city and turn it into dust. No Holy City, nothing to fight over. Problem solved.

You really don't know people, do you?

They'd fight over the holy dust.

[webfusion]

Holy Land Dust --- available now $20.

http://www.holylandearth.com/index.asp

[The Painter]

Originally Posted by TragicMonkey

You really don't know people, do you?

They'd fight over the holy dust.

Damn, the old Holy Dust routine. If you clean up all the dust and dispose of it, than there would be the Holy Longitude and Latitude. Oh well. No hope until there are no religions and nothing is sacred.

[The Painter]

Originally Posted by webfusion

Holy Land Dust --- available now $20.

http://www.holylandearth.com/index.asp

WOW, unbelievable. If I plant flowers in it, would it be the same as “Miracle-Gro”.

[webfusion]

Better, because it's got the Holy Energies and Magnificence Powers in there.

[frank462]

Originally Posted by webfusion

Better, because it's got the Holy Energies and Magnificence Powers in there.

And because manure is a great fertilizer. The "Big Three" religions have been spreading it around for centuries.