Why do people focus on the worst?

[Luciana]

You don't remember all the times you had a good-to-very-good shopping experience. But the time you had an awful service not only you'll remember, but you'll tell everyone about it.

You encounter many nice folks during your average day. It only takes one jerk to change your mood. Example: everything has been fine so far, your day has just started, and a jerk makes a stupid move and nearly hits your car. Because of that, you arrive in your workplace irritated and jumpy, and many things nice will have to happen before you restore your good mood.

At one point in my life, I got along very well with all of my coworkers, except for my boss. When she entered the room, all my humor was gone. I have no problems with authority and would have had recognized her talents/skills/competence, etc. if there was any. But no, she was the most obnoxious and spiteful person on the face of earth. Obviously, she was my boss, so I had too much of her. But even so she was only one, out of dozens who respected my opinion and appreciated my work, and that included her own boss! Her effect on me was *not* justifiable by anything else than the fact that I was giving her too much importance and, after all, she was only a small part of my working life.

The fairy tale is over when the princess and the prince get married and live forever after. Why didn't anyone bother to describe it? And why do we think it should be boring - isn't happiness an ideal state?

Let's say person A says something controversial. Five people post to present their support. Person will not only disagree, but also find it completely disgusting. Now comes person A and gets all worked up with Person's B response and answer to it comprehensively, while only saying "thanks" to the other folks.

I understand debating someone who does not agree with you, I don't understand the focus that this is sometimes granted, which justifies ignoring other good points raised by the "supporters".

I've known people who just about sabotaged themselves by refusing to acknowledge their own strengths, accomplishments, worth. They would wallow on self-pity over an issue that was just a small part of a very fulfilling life... such an unhealthy attitude that prevented them from seeing the greater picture.

It's one thing to acknowledge undesirable aspects of your life and think on how to improve the situation. It's quite another to focus on these negative "vibes" and start from there.

Sometimes I can't seem to understand why people go out of their way to make my life difficult. But also, many times people help me for no reason whatsoever, just because. So, really, *understanding* can't be the key here.

I've seen it here on this board, I see it everyday in real life. I constantly fall prey to this nearly *irrational* concentration on all things that go wrong. What I still can't understand is why humans have this tendency. Any clue, folks?

I worked for 12 hours today on red alert. Either I start appreciating the nice things in life or I'm in for another sleepless night.

[Patricio Elicer]

I don't know anything about the psycological roots of this behavior. All I can say is that it's a matter of personality, though I know this doesn't add much to the discussion. Maybe we are genetically predisposed?

Your question is tantamount to asking, ... Why some people are optimists while others are pesimists?. Some people always see the glass half full, and others always see it half empty.

I admit I'm on the side of those who see the glass half empty, and that Murphy's laws apply to some extent to my viewpoints.

Maybe it's a combination of genetical predisposition, family education, bad experiences and low tolerance to failure and frustration.

[Doubt]

We tend to focus on the bad things since we want to fix them. The problem is that we also focus on things that we cannot fix…..

[Monketey Ghost]

I posit that the reason is because the bad things engage us more completely intellectually. Good stuff is fluff for your mind, but it doesn't involve, for example, problem solving, which negative thought can often involve.

[Luciana]

Quote:

Originally posted by Patricio Elicer
Your question is tantamount to asking, ... Why some people are optimists while others are pesimists?. Some people always see the glass half full, and others always see it half empty.

I don't see it necessarily like this. I think I'm an optimist. However, I still sweat the small things. The marketing guys say that the average person will tell one person about a good product or service, but will spread the word to ten people if the experience is negative. (is that even true to begin with?)

It looks like a bigger trend than pessimism/optimism, which would be more of long-term tendencies.

[Luciana]

Quote:

Originally posted by Doubt
We tend to focus on the bad things since we want to fix them. The problem is that we also focus on things that we cannot fix…..

So true.

We should never worry about things we can't change, that's only rational - yet we let it happen all the time.

[Luciana]

Quote:

Originally posted by No Answers
I posit that the reason is because the bad things engage us more completely intellectually. Good stuff is fluff for your mind, but it doesn't involve, for example, problem solving, which negative thought can often involve.

That would only be true if our responsed to undesirable situations were rational. But too often they're not, they're entirely emotional, if not irrational enough to be counterproductive.

[reprise]

Is it that we focus on the "worst", or do we just focus on that which isn't such a common experience to us that it's become "invisible" to us?

The same dynamic often seems to apply to claims of precognition - people don't notice all the times when they have "a premonition" which doesn't come true - they remember the times when they have "an intuition" about something and an event subsequently occurs which can be interpreted as fitting within the parameters of that "intuition".

[Ove]

I has taken some psycology based lectures for my job (i work with quality management). Once we had a lecture on customer satisfaction (we make Hi-Fi, Bang & Olufsen, you may have heard about us). One of the basic rules taught there was that "It takes 11 good experiences to remove the memory of one bad".

I have often remembered that sentence since and i believe it is 100% right. Wether it is precisely 11, well that's debateable but fact is that you need a lot of good experiences to outweigh bad ones.

[Patricio Elicer]

Ove,

Nice to know that you work for Bang & Olufsen, it's a very well regarded audio brand here in Chile, one of the finests in audiophiles' opinions. Never heard of a bad experience with it.

Luciana, sorry for the hijacking

[Ove]

Quote:

Nice to know that you work for Bang & Olufsen, it's a very well regarded audio brand here in Chile, one of the finests in audiophiles' opinions. Never heard of a bad experience with it.

Well thank you. Off course we have had our problems but when you sell equipment in the absolute expensivest end of the scale you'd better make a good quality.

Now back to subject.

[HarryKeogh]

people focus on the worst because they love to whine and moan to anyone who will listen. "you wouldnt believe the lousy service i got a the gap while buying socks today"

who cares?

[CFLarsen]

Quote:

Originally posted by Luciana Nery
...and a jerk makes a stupid move and nearly hits your car.

(slides glasses down nose and looks at Luciana)

What was that you told me at TAM about your own driving habits? I believe a number was mentioned...135, I think.

Wasn't that your preferred driving speed?

[Luciana]

THANKS for demonstrating my point, Claus Larsen! I must have told you that I have never been involved in an accident, but what is it that you remember? My driving speed!

[CFLarsen]

Quote:

Originally posted by Luciana Nery
THANKS for demonstrating my point, Claus Larsen! I must have told you that I have never been involved in an accident, but what is it that you remember? My driving speed!

I don't think you told me that, no. The evidence, as you no doubt are happy to learn, is destroyed. But I distinctly remember that you told me the speed-thingie with glee.

Thereby demonstrating your own point, Luciana Nery!

[Yahweh]

I admit, I am extremely pessimistic. I can find the bad in just about any good situation. And, I can find a host of bad in any bad situation. Of course, I try to be funny at the same time. Being pessimistic is just the person I am.

While I'm a pessimistic person, most people see me as an overall "bright and happy" individual. I guess its because I try to be a really super nice guy to everyone I meet and talk to.

I work in a field where I get to be around a lot teenagers. Teenagers are a group of people who have no ability to think outside most prejudices (let alone the ability to have a single original thought on their own). Something about teenagers is the fact that quite a few of them turn their bad experiences into a funny story. Thats what I like to do, I like to use sarcasm and witty analyzations to turn my stories into an amusing anecdote. Then, there are the other group of kids, properly called "pity whores", who try to elicit sympathy from their friends by telling their "oh my god my mom was yellin' at me last night" stories. I dont like those people.

Why do people focus on the bad? Well, I think we should. Ignoring the bad doesnt make it go away, it doesnt change the fact that it has happened and most likely will happen many times in the future.

[Eos of the Eons]

I also learned in industry that people appreciate hearing about the 'bad' so it can be fixed. It's when people refuse to fix what is wrong that they deserve to go under.

I get worked up when someone does no wrong, but gets a bad rap for dumb reasons that aren't even true. Especially when it affects me too. Then I see the people making the good person look bad go on to benefit from it. That really gets my back up. They are rotten, but they are getting away with hurting someone good AND getting reaping rewards from doing it.

So, if we don't complain and draw attention to 'wrongs', then how do we ever make them right again?

When it's something that doesn't matter, or can't be changed, then it's useless. I had some ladies at my last job get worked up and stressed out about having to go with another company because of a take over. Well, it has to be done, or you can quit. Pick one or the other, and stop whining.

If you can't get your favorite shade of lipstick anymore...then boo hoo. It's not the end of the world.

Then there's that cliche...the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

So, common sense prevails here as usual I figure. Don't whine about things that can't be changed. If you can change it, then do and do don't whine. Especially, don't just point fingers without lending a hand first.

If you can change it, but only by bringing attention to the situation...then holler until something is done.

That's what I live by. I hope it makes sense.

[juryjone]

Quote:

Originally posted by Luciana Nery
The fairy tale is over when the princess and the prince get married and live forever after. Why didn't anyone bother to describe it? And why do we think it should be boring - isn't happiness an ideal state?

We think it's boring because it is.

Let me tell you about my morning. I went downstairs in the dark, as I usually do. When I got into the kitchen, I noticed one of the cabinet doors was slightly ajar. I opened the door and there it was...

the box of cereal.

Great story, huh? But nobody wants to listen to that. The essence of drama is conflict - the tension between the way things "ought" to be and the way they really are. The essence of comedy is pain - watching someone correctly use a blender is not funny, but watching him get his necktie caught in one is.

From the beginning man has told stories to entertain, to feel interesting. Were stories told about the time that it rained, and the fire DIDN'T go out? No, of course not. No conflict between the expected and the actual, so no drama, no interest.

A little later, when people started acting out stories instead of just telling them, it was even more dramatic. You could actually see the conflict as it "happened"!

Everyone gets caught up in this - it's human nature. There are many times, when bad things are happening, that I find myself thinking of how great a story this will be (if I'm around to tell it).

So I guess I'm not answering the question of WHY this is. It's just the way humans are, and always have been. It might have nothing to do with whining, or pessimism, or trying to fix things - we humans like to hear about dramatic occurrences. And we think we're more interesting when we tell about dramatic occurrences.

[Eos of the Eons]

That's an interesting outlook. Some whiners aren't interesting though. They wallow in their self pity and hate the world (I used to do that). People are more interesting when they don't talk about themselves so much. I stopped whining when I saw someone else doing the same thing. It was annoying, not interesting. I felt like saying that life doesn't suck all the time, and there is such a thing as problem solving.

I guess stories are all that more interesting when the character overcomes the conflict and there is some change to the situation or the character. It's not always a positive change. Most people I know like happy endings better than sad ones.

Stories that make you think, like "The Lottery" by Shirley Jackson, have a horrid ending, but there is a good point or objective to the story. It's not just "the world sucks".

[scarlet_35]

one day I realized that I was only complaining about the bad service I get at stores or when I go out to eat and never really thought about the good service that I get sometimes. Then one day I had an excellent waitress and she made me think "hmm there are some people out there that go out of their way to do their job good" and do they ever get any credit for it?

so you know what I did? I told the manager what an excellent employee he had and that he should give her a raise that made me feel ten times better than an complaint I ever gave

[Dragonrock]

I kinda figure that as animals, we need to do what keeps us alive. A good situation is nice and will provide benefit in the long term. However, a bad situation can present immediate danger to life or limb, therefore it's important that we learn quickly to avoid it.

This example is gross, but it does show my point. If you vomit, regardless of the reason for the emesis, whatever you taste as you puke will permanently cause nausea when you smell or taste it in the future. The theory goes that we are probably barfing due to what we ate, so it is VERY important that we learn to not eat it in the future.

My theory is that we are simply programmed to have stronger reactions to negative stimuli as their damaging effect can be a bit more far reaching than possitive stimuli.

[CFLarsen]

Quote:

Originally posted by juryjone
Let me tell you about my morning. I went downstairs in the dark, as I usually do. When I got into the kitchen, I noticed one of the cabinet doors was slightly ajar. I opened the door and there it was...

the box of cereal.

Great story, huh?

Yeah, you're a real cereal killer!

[juryjone]

Quote:

Originally posted by CFLarsen


Yeah, you're a real cereal killer!

Shouldn't you be out badgering someone? Surely you haven't run out of questions?!?!?

[Luciana]

Quote:

Originally posted by scarlet_35
so you know what I did? I told the manager what an excellent employee he had and that he should give her a raise that made me feel ten times better than an complaint I ever gave

I do it frequently. Many times we see people going out of their way to help us, even going beyond their duty, or just being extremely helpful. Sometimes it's not a complicated matter - but what about those people who never move a finger unless they're paid to do it.

In those cases, I always find a way of praising this person to a manager, or in front of the colleagues. And, normally, they are very surprised. First, because they did it without expecting anything in return, and second, because it's rare. Yep, it does feel good for me. But more than that, I'd like the whole world to know that being nice is worth it, and while some people are worthless ingrates, some people are not.

[CFLarsen]

Quote:

Originally posted by juryjone
Shouldn't you be out badgering someone? Surely you haven't run out of questions?!?!?

I don't "badger" people. I am just very persistent!